Moving Into A Different Stage

[mytai]

I feel like lately I've been moving into a different stage with my T, not a bad thing at all, I think it's good in fact. I've finally found my voice with her, I don't need to rely on emails before therapy sessions, I don't need to pass her letters in session, and I don't sit there just nodding/shaking my head in response (at least not all the time). I've tried to break away from emailing her in-between sessions, I was using it so I didn't have to verbalize what was in my head, instead I save emailing her in-between sessions to confirm appointment times if I forget, or to give her a heads up about important stuff in case I forget to bring it up (which I frequently do).

Our last few sessions I've not dissociated at all, even though there were times when I came close, and I've pretty much talked the entire time. I haven't made eye contact with my T since I started seeing her (I don't remember it anyways), eye contact is hard for me, I find it scary and threatening a lot of the time, but last week I made brief eye contact with my T right before I left her office. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Still uncomfortable for me, but it wasn't scary, and definitely not threatening.

Tomorrow is a rough day emotionally for me. I have counselling with the social worker at the hospital treatment centre, followed immediately by blood work with the SA nurse, then I have to go to the other hospital and pick up my official diagnosis that I need before I report to the police next Thursday, and then I see my T in the evening. Long day, stressful because even though I've been officially diagnosed with PTSD, it's never been given to me in writing, nor have I ever had an "official" dissociation diagnosis. For some reason I have anxiety surrounding receiving this letter. This is also the last therapy and counselling sessions I will have before I make my police report next week.

I'm very stressed out by this, it's been showing in the way I talk on the phone, the way I act, the closer the day gets to reporting, the more agitated I become. I have a feeling that tomorrow isn't going to be one of my greatest days.

 

[HelenB]

I had been wondering how you are doing and am so glad to hear that the trust is building up so much more with you therapist.

You are doing so well with everything you are going through, and it is no wonder that you are feeling anxiety and stress from it, and I am praying you can really feel and find safety even more within it all and am so glad to hear it is building up so much more with your therapist

God bless
Helen x

 

[Echo]

You are making such progress. These are big steps forward. And all that processing underneath it all. The same is happening to me. I am exhausted, too, but I think there is a rightness about it and that we will both be ready when the time comes. I'm trying to distract myself during the day and especially trying to avoid draining negative people. I'm sure Chelsea and your cat are holding you up, too. My cats won't leave my side. I send my letter next week, probably Thursday, too. I'll be thinking of you. Let's break free and regain our power!

 

[mytai]

Ok, so not so happy right now. In fact if I knew how to get angry then I would probably be furious right now. But all I'm feeling at the moment is utterly let down. The psychiatrist wrote down one sentence as my "diagnosis", which was "so and so has PTSD". No sh*t sherlock. I've only had that diagnosis for 9 or 10 years now. Considering I told you that another psychiatrist already diagnosed me with that, you didn't provide me with anything.

I seriously blame this on his secretary though. I called her almost 2 weeks ago trying to schedule an official diagnosis appointment, and she got back to me yesterday, which means what? Oh that the psych doctor didn't have any available appointments before I report to the police. The whole reason for booking an appointment for this and not having you type out a quick note was because you can't properly diagnose someone in one 20 minute meeting (first time you meet them), and a 5 minute appointment to give them a new drug card.

Oh and to top it off I called in my refill a week ago, because I had 10 pills left of my Cipralex and guess what still hasn't been filled yet, my prescription. What does that mean? Well it means that I run out of meds on Sunday, and start going through withdrawal symptoms before I report. I cannot handle withdrawal symptoms, the anxiety and fear I already have, AND reporting to the police all at once.

I'm not doing so well. Pray for my poor T this afternoon because I see her in 3 hours.

 

[Echo]

@mytai - can you insist on getting your meds tomorrow as an emergency? This is unacceptable.

Re the PTSD diagnosis, when your therapist meets the police, maybe she can expand on the diagnosis along with her explanation about dissociation, since it is part of it, and this will be enough. Let her help you now. I'm sure she will want to do everything to make sure this is a success for you. Don't panic; don't give up.

 

[mytai]

I'm calling the pharmacy again today to see if they were filled, if they aren't I'm calling my other contact at the hospital to get involved in this. It is unacceptable. I hope if they can't help me that the pharmacy will give me enough to get by on. I can't go through withdrawal on this medication, I've done it before and it knocked me on my butt.

I know I can rely on my T. This was just to back up what she was saying, make it official, because legally she can't diagnose me.

 

[Echo]

Wishing you success and CALM.

 

[HelenB]

Sorry to hear it has all been so hard for you. I am so glad that your therapist is so supportive and that you have at least got the official diagnosis of PTSD on paper now and will continue to pray for you during all this and hope your appointment with your therapist goes well.

God bless
Helen

 

[mytai]

I didn't do so hot today with my T. I talked about how frustrated I was with the note, and the whole medication thing. Then we talked about getting angry. Then we ended up talking about the stress I feel reporting, fears I have.

I told her that I was struggling with trying not to cut myself, so we discussed that some more, about what it does for me, what I can do to help diminish those feelings. I know we talked about more, but I started to check out. I dissociated at the end.

Before I left, my T asked if I was feeling sad, because I looked really sad. I'm a mess right now. A huge mess.

 

[Echo]

@mytai, you are doing so well. It is not surprising that you dissociate; it is such an overwhelming thing. And sadness that you've been brought to this, through no fault of your own, is only natural. I do hope you feel some relief once it's all over. What a thing to have to do in life! But in doing so you are claiming your power and reclaiming your life. I am rising for justice today with One Billion Rising by getting my letter ready to send. I am drawing a lot of strength from that movement just now (their videos and talks). You are rising for justice, too. There are a lot of women on your side worldwide.

 

[HelenB]

I also agree that you are doing so well. I also agree that it is no surprise that you disassiciate, but you are still conecting so much, and I really hope you can give yoursef the time to just feel the sadness and all the other emotions which are not surprisingly coming up for you and am praying that you can be comforted within that and really find the safety and peace within it all which you deserve so much.

God Bless
Helen