Moving on

[katz]

My family is foreign to me. No one wants to understand or even acknowledge what happened. I thought I found a supportive family...I have been married to him for 16 years. There is no one in his family either. I had hopes. Now even he is telling me to "just move on". I feel so alone- again, with no one to love me. I had dreamed that someday I would find a spouse to understand and support me. I really thought I had. Even his family seemed to like me. Now no one wants to be my friend. I feel like I'm right back to where I started so many years ago. Alone. To deal with this.

Is there a correct "time" to just "let it go"? To move on? Leave it behind it me? Or are they just not understanding? I don't even know how to. This "way of life" started so long ago...I was so young when it began, that this way is all I know.

I hurt so much and no one is going to be there for me.

 

[Sideways]

Is there a correct "time" to just "let it go"? To move on? Leave it behind it me? Or are they just not understanding?

For me? I had to accept that most people in my life were not equipped to deal with my past. Asking them to know it (never mind understand it!) in any kind of detail more specific than “my childhood was traumatic”, was asking them to navigate something that they didn’t know how to cope with. And tbh, don’t want to know how to cope with.

That’s okay. I don’t need my friends to support my past. I need my friends to support me as I am now. And, they’re willing to do that.

It’s very important, with new, present relationships, to base those fundamentally on who we are, and what our lives are, today. While it is incredibly painful for us, and instrumental to how we experience the present, we are the only person in the room who is living life with one foot still stuck in the past. And other people? Typically can’t understand that, let alone join us there.

People not being able to provide that kind of support doesn’t mean that they can’t be supportive. I think we have to allow people who care about us to offer caring on their terms - just like we have our limits, so do the people around us.

 

[Friday]

. I had dreamed that someday I would find a spouse to understand and support me.

What does that mean to you / what would that look like?

Now no one wants to be my friend.

Have they said so &/or said why?

If not, and it’s a rational judgement based off of them failing to meet your minimum standards of what a friend is? Where are they falling short / what are those standards / what would someone wanting to be your friend look like?

Is there a correct "time" to just "let it go"? To move on? Leave it behind it me? Or are they just not understanding?

It sounds like there’s a definite disconnect going on, between you & them, but without more information? I couldn’t even begin to lay odds on the dozen or so different possibilities.