Relationship Moving on

dcb2410

Not Active
So paraphrasing her words

- we were the same
- We has the same values
- we had the same sense of gunour
- she had waited her whole life for someone who understood her, laughed with her and wanted the same things in life
- she had found that in me
- she knew I was the one for her

Her best friend has obviously come piling in. Understandable when my ex had been through emotional abuse in the past from in my ex’s words a partner who wouldn’t let her call her friends or family. My ex is estranged from all of her family apart from her mother with whom she has little contact. So her friend is her family. Her friend may want the best for my ex. I have no doubt about that. But she knows very little I’m sure about the messages my ex and I shared about hopes for the future or about my ex’s insecurities and why I tried to reassure my ex that I was there for her and her daughter.

It really is sad that relationships can fall apart so so quickly. Had there being raised voices, constant arguments etc it would be much easier to comprehend.

She didn’t once say she wanted different things. We did share a similar sense of humour, outlook on life, values when it came to family etc. she had done an amazing job before Christmas organising a toy drive for a charity. She knew the charity work I did was important. She wasn’t selfish when it came to material things.

It is just really really difficult to comprehend how genuinely wanting to be a positive part of their lives as they were very much so to mine could be twisted in this way. It has really left me utterly shattered. My boss contacted me last night thanking me for all my efforts in recent weeks to deal with so much while he was also dealing with a tragic circumstance involving a close family friend. I could really only say that at the moment I don’t know which way is up.
 

Butterfly64

Confident
It may be PTSD related, but that doesn’t make it any easier for the other partner who got blindsided. One minute happy, the next minute *poof* done. No matter what caused it, that’s still a pretty shitty way to treat somebody. It’s easier to process if the relationship was deteriorating before. It makes sense. This does not make sense to people outside PTSD world. There is a grieving process to all break ups... the confusion makes it harder to get that process going.

Him venting here is part of the process. He’s not playing a victim, he is pissed off and heartbroken. He’s working through that. This is the supporter section. That is what we do here.
I agree....especially the confusion part. They want a relationship and a few weeks later they don’t. They are in love and and few weeks later, they don’t know if they are in love....huh?! I spend close to three years in that Limbo....the push/pull....until May last year when I found this site and that made me realize that it was time to end it...that he really can’t be in a relationship. I know he likes the idea of being in a relationship with me, that he cares deeply for me, that he still tries to get back with me, that he gets frustrated when I tell him that being exclusive simply isn’t enough for me...that I need the whole deal...intimacy inside and outside the bedroom....which scares him because then he is in a full blown relationship and he just can’t.
So yeah...I have been bitter and angry with him a lot...pissed off that the closer he felt I got to him the more he pulled away...us spending less and less time together...him seeing everybody but me for weeks, when we used to see each other with just a couple of days apart.
He knows that I can’t do us anymore and he still tries to get me back so we can be exclusive but with no intimacy outside the bedroom and I just don’t get it...I frustrate him, I stress him out when I say no over and over again....why doesn’t he just get a friend with benefits...he is super attractive and charming and could easily find someone without the messy history we have...but he doesn’t want that...he wants me...confusing!
I totally get supporters and ex supporters get confused! I know a lot about CPTSD now, and still I am confused and hurt. Not as much as I used to be....it gets better over time...but it takes longer to get over a ptsd relationship because it is simply just so confusing....
 

dcb2410

Not Active
That’s awful. I didn’t get all the push pull. Had been in a relationship previously which was just years of lies on her part. Push/pull/push/pull. Every time I tried to walk away it got worse. She overdosed, cut herself. I tried to understand. Doubled down in trying to be there.

I did read back through messages the other week from my recent ex and read messages from her about her triggers. She has been through a lot. I’m not angry. I’m sad it ended. We had a really lovely connection and I loved her and her daughter. I will continue to care for them both and hope with all that is going on that they stay well and my ex is able to keep her job. She doesn’t have much support. I reached out and said if she got sick or ran into financial problems I wanted her to know that neither I or my family were abandoning her. I have other things to focus on. Had my salary slashed by 40% and God knows whether I will have a job in near future. My brother has had a huge health scare and been in hospital on other side of the world with no support network. In a place where coronavirus is running rampant and been alone in emergency department. Need to put my efforts into those people whose love I know is genuine. Not saying hers wasn’t but she ended the relationship completely blew a small misunderstanding out of all proportions. One thing I’ve learnt this year through thousands of hours of pro bono work for victims of a scammer, spending a lot of time and money trying to help a really nice bloke who fell on hard times, get off the street, is that I can’t fix everyone’s problems and need to spend some time on looking after myself. Not in selfish way. Will never be that. But just need to recognise my own needs and not sacrifice myself constantly.
 
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