multiple parts scared of sexual abuse from female therapist

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

dissociative disorder stuff. this is an issue that keeps on coming up, multiple parts falling somewhere on the spectrum of being anxious to straight up convinced that my therapist has ulterior sexual motives ranging from more existential "wants to manipulate me into beliefs that will make me vulnerable to sexual abuse" to "wants to have sex with me and I am in danger". all seems very relevant to her being a woman, but I don't have any memory of any female-oriented abuse, despite it being a common theme in my inner world. majority of me feels comfortable or safer with her being female but then there are outliers who become almost physically ill with anxiety about her and actively avoid or dread / are very distrustful in therapy. and minor things like her weight, color of lipstick, way of gesturing can bring on intense feeling of not being safe and that she is going to molest me / has predatory intention. and Ive had the same criteria apply to people I know and trust.

there is a lot of "I do not have free will here" feelings that I keep having to get over when it comes to my T. exercising self advocacy seems very hard for me and she has been mentioning recently how I seem to "test" whether I can have boundaries with her or not. I think a common belief of mine is that she says I have agency but will ultimately force me to do/talk about/whatever something I don't want to and I won't be able to say no to her (partly because her ability to argue and reason is so much better than mine). even though I have, but it is a very consistent feeling.


just looking for similar experience or any advice/intel on what this kind of thing is about, in your experience.
these kind of feelings seem especially strong in a couple of parts that envision themselves to be animals and trauma through that particularly helpless lense.

I've been reluctant to see it this way because I don't necessarily understand it and feel the urge to avoid it; but it is undeniable that her being female is relevant to whats happening. and when she mentions sex I often get anxious because my mind conflates her being open/positive minded about it to the potential of being sexually groomed or coerced.



distrust is something that has come up with her and some parts are quite open about telling her that but I don't think I've ever had a conversation about it being a sexual fear with her because that doesn't feel safe yet either and I avoid it. but she is aware of my trust for her being poor sometimes

 

[Riley Jones]

Hey Dark.Green.Feathers, I really hear you on this—the way those parts swing from feeling mostly okay with your therapist being a woman to that intense, gut-level distrust and fear of hidden motives. It sounds exhausting and confusing, especially when little triggers like her gestures or lipstick color set off those alarms about not being safe. And layering in the animal lenses for some parts? That helpless vibe makes total sense why self-advocacy feels so slippery, like you're testing boundaries but bracing for them to get bulldozed anyway, even if you've pushed back before.

I've been in spaces where similar stuff bubbles up with my own T—parts getting convinced of predatory vibes that don't match the bigger picture, and the free will thing hits hard too, like no matter what she says about agency, it feels like it'll evaporate if push comes to shove. The female aspect sneaking in there, even without clear memories tying to it, yeah, that inner world theme can scream louder than the outer facts sometimes. It's brave you're noticing it all, even when avoidance pulls strong, and dipping a toe into naming the distrust with her.

In my experience, those fears often tie back to old protections kicking in super hard, guarding against vulnerabilities they "know" too well, even if the story's fuzzy. Sharing the sexual angle might feel impossible right now, but just airing it here is a step—maybe when a part feels a tiny bit steadier, it could open a door without forcing it. You're already holding space for all these voices, which is huge.

Hoping some others chime in with their takes too—sending you a gentle hug if it's okay, and here if you want to unpack more. Take care.

 

[Sideways]

distrust is something that has come up with her and some parts are quite open about telling her that but I don't think I've ever had a conversation about it being a sexual fear with her because that doesn't feel safe yet either and I avoid it.

I think the conversation will be worth it. Talking through where you’re at, if there’s particular triggers that are firing off, and if there’s some ways that you can work together to get you grounded again when you’re in session. Having anchors within the therapy space can be helpful for some folks as well.

 

[Movingforward10]

wants to manipulate me into beliefs that will make me vulnerable to sexual abuse" to "wants to have sex with me and I am in danger".

Oh I reasonate with everything you wrote. I had this at the beginning of my therapy too. Those thoughts you outlined, I had them too. I felt I would be compelled to comply to whatever she wanted because that's just what happens. It made moving to online therapy in the pandemic and never returning to in person, feel safer.

all seems very relevant to her being a woman, but I don't have any memory of any female-oriented abuse

I don't think it's about gender in this situation but the authority and power that she has in the relationship and the vulnerability we as clients have. It mirrors abusive dynamics in some ways? If that makes sense.

how I seem to "test" whether I can have boundaries with her or not. I think a common belief of mine is that she says I have agency but will ultimately force me to do/talk about/whatever something I don't want to and I won't be able to say no to her

Yeah, totally get this too. I did this and thought this too.

It's good to talk about it. I said to my T that if she was inclined to abuse me, I was worried I would allow it to happen and stay in the dynamic. It felt very real to me that this might happen. Even though she had zero intention.
I think it's really great you recognise some parts feel like that.
I think for me, it was parts that only knew this behaviour, or knew there was a level of attention to get from that sort of abuse, or felt that to have someone's undivided attention like that I needed to give them something and being abused was the logical thing to 'give', if that also makes any sense at all.

Being aware of this. Talking it though. Learning that she is actually safe. Learning that this isn't an abusive transactional situation. It all builds to feeling safe, learning to trust and ultimately healing.

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

I think the conversation will be worth it. Talking through where you’re at, if there’s particular triggers that are firing off, and if there’s some ways that you can work together to get you grounded again when you’re in session. Having anchors within the therapy space can be helpful for some folks as well.

I feel like it has come up, I don't know how explicitly but I know she's gone over with me how I could for example put a complaint in about her and I think that did help for a while. it would be good to have conversation about it but I think at the moment it's just kind of tricking through and being looked at in little bits as opposed to how I actually feel about it. my perception of therapy is still warped and Im learning what proper therapy environment is still.

Those thoughts you outlined, I had them too. I felt I would be compelled to comply to whatever she wanted because that's just what happens.

yes, this. also my history of therapy (especially as a kid) is to be forced, and that is just how it is. so I've told her stuff before on the assumption she will then bring it up and we will *have* to confront it because that's how therapy works. but obviously not. come out with it right now or therapy stops is what Ive grown up with. and I unconsciously carry that with me as something Im scared of but is also "just how it is" so I still sometimes act on the assumption that that's a fact, and she will effectively do the work of dragging it out for me instead of us together making an environment where it can gradually and more comfortably be explored and I do that myself.
I think I sitll have a childlike view on therapy where I am simultaneously wary of her and also feel I shouldn't keep secrets, but should simultaneously make it out that Im ok in certain circumstances because thats "what she wants" which Im not constantly operating under but consistently is coming up.

It's good to talk about it. I said to my T that if she was inclined to abuse me, I was worried I would allow it to happen and stay in the dynamic. It felt very real to me that this might happen. Even though she had zero intention.
I think it's really great you recognise some parts feel like that.
I think for me, it was parts that only knew this behaviour, or knew there was a level of attention to get from that sort of abuse, or felt that to have someone's undivided attention like that I needed to give them something and being abused was the logical thing to 'give', if that also makes any sense at all.

yeah that does make sense. might be similar for me. I think some of me also sees the undivided attention as perverse and inherently unsafe. some have definitely expressed that the more she learns about me = the more she can get into my head and trap me in a dynamic, so it's all nefariously motivated.

but the authority and power that she has in the relationship and the vulnerability we as clients have. It mirrors abusive dynamics in some ways? If that makes sense.

I agree, it is a difficult vulnerable place to be in. her admitting she could be wrong once has helped, I have this innate sense that she is always right / can always successfully argue that she is right so I am then powerless, because in my head boundaries/choices/objections/whatever are always up for debate and have to be won to be successful/not be overruled.

I think there is still a gendered element to it though, women make me (sexually) anxious in a different way that men do, and the stressors(?) I get with her have extended to people Im friends with and typically trust, who just share a similar criteria to her. and sexualised women in general I can ger very anxious. there's stuff to unpack there, I never felt like that pre-trauma-awareness. but I think you make a good point, it's probably especially bad with her because of wht the theraputic relationship comes with.



thanks for responding both

 

[arfie]

at 71, after more than a half a century of therapy work, i still run into this phenom from time to time in quite a few different settings. at present i am foster parenting 3 children, ages 12, 10 and 7. i see abuse scenarios everywhere. teachers. friends. parents of friends. etc., etc., all the way to my sister and my husband. i am not currently in formal therapy, so the that angle is not currently in play, but i have experienced it there, as well.

i attribute it to hyper vigilance. my therapy tool for it is to check my immediate surroundings for clear and present danger. if i find none, i begin calming exercises.

another place i have experienced the phenom is with sexual attraction. i am afraid of my own sex drive and have been known to project that fear onto the people i am attracted to.

but that is me and every case is unique.

steadying support while you sort your own case.

 

[Movingforward10]

yes, this. also my history of therapy (especially as a kid) is to be forced, and that is just how it is. so I've told her stuff before on the assumption she will then bring it up and we will *have* to confront it because that's how therapy works. but obviously not. come out with it right now or therapy stops is what Ive grown up with. and I unconsciously carry that with me as something Im scared of but is also "just how it is" so I still sometimes act on the assumption that that's a fact, and she will effectively do the work of dragging it out for me instead of us together making an environment where it can gradually and more comfortably be explored and I do that myself.
I think I sitll have a childlike view on therapy where I am simultaneously wary of her and also feel I shouldn't keep secrets, but should simultaneously make it out that Im ok in certain circumstances because thats "what she wants" which Im not constantly operating under but consistently is coming up.

That's a lot of carry. It's no wonder parts are struggling with this.

think some of me also sees the undivided attention as perverse and inherently unsafe.

Yeah, I understand that.

the more she can get into my head and trap me in a dynamic, so it's all nefariously motivated.

Also get this. It's taking a risk to trust her because of that vulnerability.

her admitting she could be wrong once has helped, I have this innate sense that she is always right / can always successfully argue that she is right so I am then powerless,

Also reasonates with me. That's great that seeing she got something wrong and owned it helped.

I think there is still a gendered element to it

It's good you recognise that too.

Awareness is half the battle.
And you've got that in spades.