My abuser contacted my therapist - considering seeing a new therapist

[hithere]

I just read this whole thread and I really admire your strength in this situation to do what is right for yourself. I really hope you do find the right therapist. I know that medicaid pays for therapy in my state with the university therapists. Or I should say, the university takes medicaid. We have centers in my city that specifically address domestic violence/abuse victims. Perhaps your city or area has one of these type centers. I have a friend using one and they directed her to an excellent therapist. I have seen so much improvement and new strength in my friend. I believe her sessions are all free through the center. Best Wishes.

 

[Freida]

I am so very proud of you!!! This goes far beyond just sending an email. This is about you recognizing you are in a situation you don't like, for whatever reason, and taking a stand for you. That is huge!!!

 

[Sweetleaf]

She replied. Just been kind of emotional today, myself, because this all is becoming more real lol. I just feel bad whenever I say something to someone, that makes them feel bad and apologize to me and stuff.

Basically she apologized for making me feel unsafe, for sharing the email in the first place, and said normally she would not do that, and she was hoping it would make me feel safer, but she promised that she will learn from the experience.

She reassured me that when she did see my abuser as a patient, him and her worked on issues that had nothing to do with the relationship between my abuser and me. I trust her on that one because he did have a lot of issues that had nothing to do with the fact that he abused the f*cking shit out of me. (she never disclosed what - so, that's good from an ethics viewpoint) He was a CSA victim. Much worse case than what I dealt with - he got woken up every single morning with sexual assault from his grandfather, until the age of 17. Also was neglected. Hmm, guess being a sadistic motherf*cker runs in his family. He may have been abused, but I think there's something f*cking wrong with him, and that the abuse is not the reason he's so abusive himself. Some brain defect or genetic defect or something, that makes him a f*cking psycho.

Anyway. Back to the email she sent lol.

She gave me some advice as to where I could look for other therapists who would take medicaid, and thanked me for letting her know how I was affected by her telling me that stuff.

She also wants to know if I'm okay with her helping my mother quit being such an asshole about LGBT related stuff - a major source of interpersonal conflict between me and her - she thinks I'm into men and just confused - despite me having had girlfriends in the past, and being super open about it. This has been a problem for years - my mom is very republican and goes to an anti-gay church. It's not really related to my PTSD, and it's not a huge problem for me like my PTSD - so I don't really talk about it here, from that and because I have a hard time feeling safe enough to talk about it - but it's still a problem and I have a hard time being myself, living with her. I haven't gotten to really be myself in f*cking years. And now it gets to continue.

But anyway. I think I am okay with her still helping me with that stuff, in that it's just going to be her talking to my mom, and other people talking to my mom, not me talking to her. I can't get my mom to accept it myself, I've tried for years - it's not going to happen. I have to get other people to try to do it, I'm maxed out on the issue, and I already have enough on my plate.

So, I think I will take her up on her offer for that, because it basically has nothing to do with me directly, and just has to do with trying to swing my mom towards not being so heartless and mean towards me about that shit, because if she can be swayed, then my living environment will become safer feeling and more comfortable.

 

[littleoc]

He may have been abused, but I think there's something f*cking wrong with him

Absolutely

she thinks I'm into men and just confused - despite me having had girlfriends in the past, and being super open about it.

My twin brother is like this. On the two-hour ride to my university he kept mentioning how good of a wife I'd be to a husband. My ex, also a woman, ironically told me I was confused often. So, I understand how you feel

because if she can be swayed, then my living environment will become safer feeling and more comfortable.

That would be awesome! Some people are really set in their ways, and I have stopped trying with some people -- but it's definitely hopeful :) Good luck!

 

[Sweetleaf]

Some people are really set in their ways, and I have stopped trying with some people -- but it's definitely hopeful

Something that is really irritating to me is that, nowadays she is totally okay with -other- people being LGBT. Anyone who isn't me, can be any of those letters, and my mom is like totally fine with them. She doesn't doubt them, or push them to not be like that, and act in complete denial that they're like that. So basically she's stopped being so homophobic outwardly, since it isn't as socially acceptable anymore - but towards me she hasn't changed and is really bad about it.

 

[Freida]

I wonder if she is really ok with it in others or is she is saying that because it is becoming less and less acceptable to no be ok with it? Basically faking it so people don't think badly of her?

 

[mumstheword]

Something that is really irritating to me is that, nowadays she is totally okay with -other- people b...

That must hurt. I really hope your T can support her to be more accepting of you.
I tell my kids that we can't help who we are attracted to or who we fall in love with. I just want them to be treated well, by whoever that is.
For what's it's worth I'm hetero but my mum doesn't treat me well either. I've finally cut the cord properly at 44, last year (properly, no contact), and that was after trying to get away by moving a long way away at 16.
Anyway, it would be great if your mum just accepted you and loved you for you, I reckon, it shouldn't matter who you want to be with, as long as they are kind, loving, honest and good for you.
You've been through enough crap, I hope this works out for you.

 

[Sweetleaf]

BTW having a hard time even typing responses today, because there are very strong, house-shaking, window-rattling winds going on. It's making it really hard to focus or do things. First real wind storm with PTSD. I've been like drenched in sweat in anxiety all day long. Both from this -and- everything else going on in my life right now. Kinda coming unglued. Had to stop a panic attack earlier, like, a bad one, where I felt like I couldn't breathe and it felt like I was dying, but I got through it and was basically just like "it's okay it's -just- panic nothing bad is happening you're fine you're safe" etc. to myself, breathed through it, calmed down enough to feel like I could breathe again.

f*ck though I am like having a -HARD- time today.

Basically faking it so people don't think badly of her?

I think that this is basically what's going on, but I think she also has cognitive dissonance going on about it all. She fiercely denies being homophobic or anything like that, despite having some pretty intolerant opinions, and despite the way she treats me.

That must hurt.

It does :(

I have been no-contact with my father for about 9 years. He was a really shitty parent. Sexually abused me, was an alcoholic, eventually a belligerent alcoholic. No good for anyone.

I don't want to cut ties with my mother, but I definitely don't want to be living with her. I just don't really have a choice right now. I am too messed up to work for the time being, and it's not like I had the capital sitting around to have moved into my own place after leaving my abuser. My options were living with her, or homelessness - maybe being in a shelter or some shit, I don't even know. I'm living with her only because I don't have the means to go live on my own.

I want to say more but these winds are f*cking with me too much, I'm going to go shower and see if that helps distract me.

 

[TruthSeeker]

I recently took a therapy break and standing back, giving myself room to think about the therapy relationship and clean up loose drama ends without her input has been strategically helpful on my part. If I do this....the decisions are mine....the outcome I own and if it fails, I know I can get another appointment. This required no explanation other than the world is spinning too fast, I have a lot going on, and I need to climb off and stand on firm ground, and look back-and unload some things that are exacerbating the situation....and that includes counseling. Sometimes, life just get's too overwhelming and taking a "trauma vacation" can really help. I sent my counselor an e-mail, didn't even talk to her and explained. She responded like she was cool with it. She has gone the mile for me.....but I don't think there are too many people I do trust. I'm trusting her more....after 9 months....but still, once in a while doubt creeps back in....she's done nothing wrong...maybe worn the wrong shoes and I wonder about her.......in my case, it is clearly me. The first week not going was hard, and this week....not quite as challenging but I did e-mail her.....to update briefly..... and I'll go back in a couple of weeks....I think drama will be lessened and I can actually talk about therapy stuff and not just spend the session update her on the new drama and ways my family makes my life challenging.

 

[Justmehere]

Kudos to you for handling this the way you have!

She reassured me that when she did see my abuser as a patient, him and her worked on issues that had nothing to do with the relationship between my abuser and me. I trust her on that one because he did have a lot of issues that had nothing to do with the fact that he abused the f*cking shit out of me. (she never disclosed what - so, that's good from an ethics viewpoint)

Actually it’s not. Just like she should not be sharing that email with you... she shouldn’t be sharing this either unless he signed a release form giving permission. The very fact he was even ever a client is protected confidential info. Even though he shared it with you, without a signed consent form from him, she should not even confirm or deny she’s ever even seen him as a client, let alone what material they did or did not cover in session. That’s between him and her.

Just like your sessions with her should not be shared with your parents without your signed consent.

In my opinion, she doesn’t yet have her ethics sorted out and there remains the risk that her triangulation of the relationships may have lead to more harm down the road if you had stayed. If I was in your shoes, and I’m not, I might consider emphasizing what privacy you need and want about your sessions with her. You shouldn’t have to do this, but I’d still be clear.

I hope you find a better therapist soon!

 

[TruthSeeker]

I think Sweetleaf is right about the ethics of sharing the letter. Humanness, on her part, might have lead her to read the e-mail since it was in her box....but she could have deleted it, and it wouldn't have been an issue. No response to him would have been more appropriate. If you are uncomfortable when you ask "Can I trust my therapist" then go find someone else. You could use that scenario to get reactions from the therapists you interview.....What would you do if......then find one who clicks and responds the way you would have liked.

 

[Sweetleaf]

@Justmehere I'm not going to have any more dealings with her myself. She pretty much just wants to set up a talk between my mom and someone who has been in her position before but who now is very accepting. I don't have any problems with that. In the email she also said she wouldn't share any information I've talked with her about.

I don't really mind if she tries helping my mom a little bit. Trauma therapy though? Nope. Lol.