Relationship My BF has C-PTSD and wants two weeks no contact to process and see if he wants to break up

[Girl In Love]

I hope it's okay that I joined this group as I don't have c-ptsd.

I've (25) been dating the love of my life (29) (who has c-ptsd) for over a year now and everything was going just as a normal relationship goes after this amount of time together. Of course, we've had a few arguments (which I've realized over the last couple days could have been aided by more research and support on my part), but he seemed to be handling his symptoms very well. He wakes up a few times a night, sweating, and sometimes I wake up to find him smoking a bowl (the only thing that relaxes him enough to sleep). He will sometimes sit events out, and is super adamant about doing his morning routine in order to regulate himself, but he hasn't (at least haven't seen) anything major. He has never been violent towards me or doubted our relationship, always tells me he loves me and when he's feeling triggered, and we are intimate and supportive of one another. .

When he had his accident a few years ago, he broke up with his then-girlfriend because the physically-traumatic event had brought up old childhood memories and he said he couldn't handle it and it wasn't fair to her that he couldn't be the man he thought she needed. He started experiencing c-ptsd stemming from his childhood and being the oldest sibling and needing to drop school and everything and take care of his younger siblings and his mom. He had assured me multiple times that he would not break up with me if he were in another accident and I believed him.

He fell off his bike a few weeks ago and hurt his arm and has not been able to work out (which is usually his go-to method of re-setting himself) and I think that may have been the point where things started to fall out of place for him.

A few weeks after he hurt his arm, he got triggered and I could see his eyes go blank and he took up the flight or fight reflexes and started crying, and saying that he couldn't be with me and we needed to break up. I held him and let him cry and told him he was safe and let him know I was there for him and he calmed down. We said that we would talk about the incident later because he was still pretty triggered and we didn't talk about it for a week. I told him I wanted to talk because I was insecure about him wanting to break us up and I wanted to know how to make it better. We agreed that we would talk about it soon and that everything was okay.

Because he was handling his symptoms so well, I've been inattentive to what he deals with internally on a daily bases and I haven't been there for him in the capacity that he needs me to be. I've been smoking to much and haven't been truly present when we've seen each other and had been thinking about why he would want to break up with me and how I could help him feel heard. I realized my lack of effort and made a point to show him that I was back to myself when he came over one day and started crying and said, "I want to break up, I don't see us together." I broke down crying, but then told him that I understand that he's going through a lot and I love him and respect what he needs. We smoked a bowl together so that we both could calm down and sat together for a while before we cried by the door and waved at each other through the window while he drove away.

When we were snapchatting later, and I was asking him what triggered this and what about our relationship wasn't working for him, he said, "I can't handle the pressure of being your rock, and everyone in my family's rock..." and I realized that I had been putting too much pressure on him. I had let him see me compare myself to girls on instagram with babies and husbands and houses (when he already feels like he is behind in life because of the time it took to recover from his first accident) and was asking for his support too much. and not being fully there for him. I wasn't handling my shit and he couldn't take the pressure of needing to be there for me and every other person in his family. I told him that I understood that I wasn't being the best I could be and I thanked him for calling me out (even though it took some requesting on my part for him to tell me). I told him that now that I realized the situation and how much I was affecting him that I could change my behavior now and I would be there for him 100%. I told him I' completely happy with our relationship and living by myself and just wanted to love him. He had been masking his trauma and I took it at face value that he didn't need extra support. He replied saying he was grateful that I said all of this but he still needed time to think.

I understand that c-ptsd is hard to handle and he need to spend a lot of time recovering from interactions, so I didn't take offense. He has asked me for two weeks of no contact so that he can process. He texted me the first night saying goodnight and I'm sorry. He sent me a heart and said he'll be in touch. I'm hoping it's the c-ptsd that it causing him to isolate and he just needs some time to process. I know he loves me and we have been solid for over a year so I really didn't see this coming- I would have snapped into it if I had any inclination he was suffering more than usual and considering a break up outside of being triggered.

I appreciate any advice you can give me, I love this man and I don't want to see him in pain. I've already watched (today) about five hours of videos on the topic so that I can be the best support I can be for him. I'm also scared that I'll put in all this effort and at the end of the two weeks he'll say that he's decided he doesn't want to be with me.

It's the end of day one and I could really use some advice. I'm hoping he wanted to break up because he couldn't see our relationship changing in a way that could support him. Now that he knows that I am owning the fact that I haven't been my best self and am already working on fixing that (I quit smoking and have gone on two runs and two gym sessions), do you think he will change his mind?

Does it sound to you like I adjusted to his needs and said the right thing and he'll come back to me?

Thank you for reading <3

EDIT: he goes to therapy and meditates and does yoga consistently (has a 2 hour routine in the morning to help him reset and prepare for the day) does research, and generally maintains his composure and symptoms- this is the first time I’ve seen him display more intense symptoms and I think it has something to do with his recent injury.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

do you think he will change his mind?

Maybe. Maybe not.

Does it sound to you like I adjusted to his needs and said the right thing and he'll come back to me?

Maybe. Maybe not.

There is no way to know what any one sufferer will do. I bolt from any added pressure in a relationship. No questions asked. I am gone and gone for good. Goodbye. "Block my name from your phone" gone. But not everyone is that way. It is a spectrum and everyone fits into that spectrum somewhere. He may come running back and he may bolt forever. There is no way to tell.

 

[Butterfly64]

I hope it's okay that I joined this group as I don't have c-ptsd.

I've (25) been dating the love of my life (29) (who has c-ptsd) for over a year now and everything was going just as a normal relationship goes after this amount of time together. Of course, we've had a few arguments (which I've realized over the last couple days could have been aided by more research and support on my part), but he seemed to be handling his symptoms very well. He wakes up a few times a night, sweating, and sometimes I wake up to find him smoking a bowl (the only thing that relaxes him enough to sleep). He will sometimes sit events out, and is super adamant about doing his morning routine in order to regulate himself, but he hasn't (at least haven't seen) anything major. He has never been violent towards me or doubted our relationship, always tells me he loves me and when he's feeling triggered, and we are intimate and supportive of one another. .

When he had his accident a few years ago, he broke up with his then-girlfriend because the physically-traumatic event had brought up old childhood memories and he said he couldn't handle it and it wasn't fair to her that he couldn't be the man he thought she needed. He started experiencing c-ptsd stemming from his childhood and being the oldest sibling and needing to drop school and everything and take care of his younger siblings and his mom. He had assured me multiple times that he would not break up with me if he were in another accident and I believed him.

He fell off his bike a few weeks ago and hurt his arm and has not been able to work out (which is usually his go-to method of re-setting himself) and I think that may have been the point where things started to fall out of place for him.

A few weeks after he hurt his arm, he got triggered and I could see his eyes go blank and he took up the flight or fight reflexes and started crying, and saying that he couldn't be with me and we needed to break up. I held him and let him cry and told him he was safe and let him know I was there for him and he calmed down. We said that we would talk about the incident later because he was still pretty triggered and we didn't talk about it for a week. I told him I wanted to talk because I was insecure about him wanting to break us up and I wanted to know how to make it better. We agreed that we would talk about it soon and that everything was okay.

Because he was handling his symptoms so well, I've been inattentive to what he deals with internally on a daily bases and I haven't been there for him in the capacity that he needs me to be. I've been smoking to much and haven't been truly present when we've seen each other and had been thinking about why he would want to break up with me and how I could help him feel heard. I realized my lack of effort and made a point to show him that I was back to myself when he came over one day and started crying and said, "I want to break up, I don't see us together." I broke down crying, but then told him that I understand that he's going through a lot and I love him and respect what he needs. We smoked a bowl together so that we both could calm down and sat together for a while before we cried by the door and waved at each other through the window while he drove away.

When we were snapchatting later, and I was asking him what triggered this and what about our relationship wasn't working for him, he said, "I can't handle the pressure of being your rock, and everyone in my family's rock..." and I realized that I had been putting too much pressure on him. I had let him see me compare myself to girls on instagram with babies and husbands and houses (when he already feels like he is behind in life because of the time it took to recover from his first accident) and was asking for his support too much. and not being fully there for him. I wasn't handling my shit and he couldn't take the pressure of needing to be there for me and every other person in his family. I told him that I understood that I wasn't being the best I could be and I thanked him for calling me out (even though it took some requesting on my part for him to tell me). I told him that now that I realized the situation and how much I was affecting him that I could change my behavior now and I would be there for him 100%. I told him I' completely happy with our relationship and living by myself and just wanted to love him. He had been masking his trauma and I took it at face value that he didn't need extra support. He replied saying he was grateful that I said all of this but he still needed time to think.

I understand that c-ptsd is hard to handle and he need to spend a lot of time recovering from interactions, so I didn't take offense. He has asked me for two weeks of no contact so that he can process. He texted me the first night saying goodnight and I'm sorry. He sent me a heart and said he'll be in touch. I'm hoping it's the c-ptsd that it causing him to isolate and he just needs some time to process. I know he loves me and we have been solid for over a year so I really didn't see this coming- I would have snapped into it if I had any inclination he was suffering more than usual and considering a break up outside of being triggered.

I appreciate any advice you can give me, I love this man and I don't want to see him in pain. I've already watched (today) about five hours of videos on the topic so that I can be the best support I can be for him. I'm also scared that I'll put in all this effort and at the end of the two weeks he'll say that he's decided he doesn't want to be with me.

It's the end of day one and I could really use some advice. I'm hoping he wanted to break up because he couldn't see our relationship changing in a way that could support him. Now that he knows that I am owning the fact that I haven't been my best self and am already working on fixing that (I quit smoking and have gone on two runs and two gym sessions), do you think he will change his mind?

Does it sound to you like I adjusted to his needs and said the right thing and he'll come back to me?

Thank you for reading <3

EDIT: he goes to therapy and meditates and does yoga consistently (has a 2 hour routine in the morning to help him reset and prepare for the day) does research, and generally maintains his composure and symptoms- this is the first time I’ve seen him display more intense symptoms and I think it has something to do with his recent injury.

I am an ex supporter and the only advice I can offer is to give him space. It is hard, I know! You feel the urge to contact him all the time probably....I know I did! But that is likely to just put more pressure on him!

You know, the thing I admire most about the sufferers in here is the fact, that even though almost daily new supporters pop up with similar stories.....I love this man/woman with PTSD and he/she is pulling away or wants us to break up.... sufferers in here give such excellent advice. I think it is pretty awesome how they manage to help us supporters...give us an insight into their lives...their suffering...an insight I wish my ex had given me before I broke it off with him in May. Had I found this Forum a lot sooner, I would have known what I was dealing with and now it is too late. I pushed my ex too far for too long because I was desperate to know where we were going...I refused to believe that he “ couldn’t do relationship”....and know I know that he really couldn’t. It would be so easy to go back to my ex and just “be casual but exclusive” as he wants us to be so that he does not feel pressured...he would take me back in a heartbeat...but I can’t do that any more.
You guy is different than mine....he can be in a relationship....so give him space, take a deep breath and wait it out. All my best wishes ?

 

[Justmehere]

Damn, so sorry he had another accident and is in a rough spot.

Kudos to you for giving up smoking! That’s huge! How has it been navigating withdrawals and missing him at the same time? That’s big.

As a sufferer, my advice is to respect his boundaries, period, and to seek support for yourself. You mentioned in a couple of ways struggling with insecurities. If you two get back together, chances are that as time goes on, there will be more bumps in the road and more times he will want to run and does so, or expresses doubt and a desire to run. Habit of running and isolating due to cPTSD usually don’t stop in a two week period. He might be able to reset, might not, not even if he does, the underlying cPTSD is still there. More crap could happen and lead to maxing out his ability to cope with stress again.

It is ok that you sought support from. That’s healthy. It will help you to find other rocks that will be there when he isn’t able to support you, one way or another. You have to find what helps you be steady. That may mean an awesome network of friends, hobbies, faith, etc - whatever tools work for you. It may also mean working through the insecurities, especially if they were there before this relationship. It may also mean not doing this as a way to get him back, but because it’s good for you. As a sufferer, if/when someone is leaning on me in ways I can’t be there for them, and they make changes to try to get me back, it’s not less stress... I feel worse and guilty. But when someone says oh, wake up call, you are right, I’m going to make changes for ME... that feels more doable when their well being isn’t depending as much on me.

The good thing is that he is in counseling and hopefully he can figure out tools other than bolting entirely when stress levels peak and realize he doesn’t need to be all ok all the time to stay in the relationship. There is reason to hope and wait this out for the two weeks. I do hope it all works out.

 

[LovingH]

It's been 2 weeks..just wondering how it all worked out?

 

[grit]

Honestly the only way to live and care with a person suffering acute cptsd is you have your own therapist. This is my opinion and it worked for me. At the height of my recovery journey a year ago, I demanded my husband to get his own therapist so he had other support. It worked for us so that is where I am coming from. Get your own therapist.