Ah, ok. Still a very serious and tough situation. Verbal abuse is not ok. Your reaction and struggle with the way he is treating you sounds really normal, and not your fault at all.
No one ever deserves to be treated this way. His hurtful words probably do stick, as they would for anyone. It's not your fault.
But I know it's obvious life since I'm with a war vet. I just wish I felt he was trying harder
Right now, he has no reason to try harder. What he is doing is "working" for him.
If he is on disability, and helping to support two kids, how is he affording the alcohol?
It seems like some boundaries may be in order. You say you "have to" swallow his cruel treatment of you, but you have to and it's not good for him for you to do so. You get to say no. You even get to say that this needs to change or the relationship is over. If he knew his drinking and being a real a--hole meant losing you, that might be his rock bottom to finally get the help he needs to get better and be the kind of boyfriend and dad you and your kids need him to be. Not doing that may be unintentionally enabling him to continue on just as he is.
I know you don't want to break up your family. You can't break up a family that he is already destroying. Frankly, the best way to save the family and bring it back together may be for you to break up for awhile. Things need to change, and may take you making some changes. Not because any of this is your fault, because it isn't, but you may need to change what you do because that's the only person you can control, and it sounds like something has to change.
It doesn't have to be forever, but you may have to not live with him for a little while until he gets help. You putting up that kind of strong boundary may be what motivates him to get more treatment and help and to finally deal with his stuff so he can be the father he probably wants to be.
Not only is it important for you to stand up and draw some tough boundaries for your sake, his sake, but also for your kids.They deserve a sober dad.
This is tough stuff to be dealing with. Do you have a good supportive therapist? Do you have any other support like al-anon or any other healthy support? Making changes like this while in a relationship with an alcoholic is really hard, but so worth it.
