My Boyfriend Is Living In A Long Term Traumatic Situation

[Justmehere]

He sounds very unable or unwilling to deal with other's pain - which is sometimes so naturally expressed through tears.

How does he respond when you are stressed or in pain?

 

[EJBJane]

He looks completely blank. He doesn't even raise an eyebrow. He just stands there and stares at me.

 

[Sighs]

I realise that the plural of anecdote is not data - my friend's experience with her Italian husband is not representative of ALL Italians but from what I've seen of Italian families there are ties/obligations/expectations that are different from British/American cultural norms. You either love the closeness of extended families or you don't.

 

[Justmehere]

I agree that other cultures do often value spending time with extended family more than American culture does. I can see that some of the difficulty is probably due to a cultural difference – like about how they don’t have much food in the house or etc. Some of this seems like something else though.

It does seem like he isn’t very emotionally available when people around him are in pain. It sounds like it'ss a very hard thing for him to tolerate. Whether it is his mother, his father, the older couple at the hospital, or you, it sounds like a pretty well established behavioral pattern for him to not have much of an outward reaction. It could be due to culture, defense mechanisms, personality, possible pathology - or a mix of all of it.

It also seems clear that his lack of response, empathy, and ability to be emotionally intimate when things are rough – this is routinely scares you, again and again. But you stay.

There must be reason you stay even when you get scared by this well established pattern? Is it because you don’t know if you can find someone better, or because the good times outweigh the problems? or because you are hoping things will change when he gets into therapy in September? I would probably struggle with leaving, or wonder how I could help change things, and feel scared at times...

For people with trauma, my therapist says we will often subconsciously look for and be drawn to people who can’t be very emotionally intimate for two possible reasons: 1.) it echos the trauma of the past – we find someone who will abandon us once again, and the person tries to subconsciously solve it through solving problems in the new relationship 2.) because on some level, it is “safer” than people who can be more emotionally available.

It might be worth talking with a therapist about this relationship and how to sort it all out. It does not negate any of the good work and healing you have already done. It just might be worth looking at this relationship with someone who can give a professional perspective, especially if you plan to stick it out for the long haul with him.

I’m not sure if any of that is applicable for you and this situation. Just some thoughts to consider. If I'm off the map, just disregard.

 

[EJBJane]

I have heard about the attraction part before. It honestly didn't look like it in the beginning. Things just started happening and I couldn't control these from happening. I would just stand there a bit dazed and think. Did that really just happen? Did he really just do or say that? It used to look as if he had everything under control and he was so confident. The day I took a stand on how he talked about his mother, I mean it went on all dinner, how she was so annoying, the problems started. He thinks I am not on his side anymore. You have made me join the dots about the dissociation pattern, I'm concerned only that this pattern will lead him to straightout infidelity. He would probably come home and say something like he didn't it was bad because he felt nothing. I wish it easier to explain these fears to him. It's so complex, I have to speak about hurting, emotions and love with him and that not his favourite subject, nor does he connect with my pain. My fears are probably nothing compared to his in reality. I will discuss this in therapy this weekend.

 

[ThereseAnon]

I can related to your situation more than you can possibly know. I think there's some merit to patterns of attachment mentioned above, but I don't necessarily think that a compassionate/caring personality and desire to help is a bad trait, unless others take advantage of your giving nature. I am living through someone extremely similar right now, in a situation where my emotions don't matter because he feels so overwhelmed by his own emotions that he isn't capable of dealing with, or being compassionate toward anything I go through. It is great that you are engaged in therapy. I have been less concerned with infidelity because in my case, I think he's battling with his own insecurities, and just isn't able to have a close relationship right now. Just keep in mind that sometimes, it's really just about him, not you.

As someone who is now the permanent caregiver to a retreating personality, I would strongly suggest that if you are already seeing signs of this type of passive aggressive reaction to everything, please don't move in with him. He will find ways to rely on you further, and the caregiving - and be completely unappreciative of it. I went through something very similar and can just say that until he's in a place to support himself and be a good partner, maybe a supportive friend is what he needs more than a life partner who he is not prepared to treat like a partner.

 

[EJBJane]

Yes I know it's that or this I am in now. I feel like I have abandoned a puppy in the middle of a field and he doesn't know how to get home. Between a rock and a hard place. It hurts so much to leave and he doesn't really even feel it.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

If I were in your place I would cut my losses and just walk away as fast as you can. This situation is out of your control and if you are having to be a mom to him now it would get so much worse over time. I know this is asking so much of you.