My Boyfriend With Ptsd Nightmares About Me.

[toomuchlovetoletgo]

My boyfriend of a month is having nightmares. He told me that I've been the one who is the antagonist but will not tell me the context. Any help would be appreciated.

 

[Friday]

Huge upheaval... You moved cross country to be with him recently, yes?... Will do that. Past and present kind of smash together in a really nasty train wreck under stress.

 

[toomuchlovetoletgo]

I need help understanding why this is happening. He went into the service 8 years ago and I've always been in live with him. I finally have the chance to be with him and now he's pushing me away and I feel like it could possibly be a result of these dreams?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

A month? Whoa. His stress cup is EXPLODING. I know you're very worried that its you, but I assure you that much of it is not. (I'm not saying that none of it is as I don't know your situation, but yes, your boyfriend is under a lot of stress right now.) One thing you should understand is that dreams are an expression of our subconscious. His mind is acting out the stress in your relationship and it is coming forward in the dreams. That is, he's not pushing you away because of the dreams. The dreams aren't so much the issue as is the stress.

 

[toomuchlovetoletgo]

When he finished his service, he got a divorce, lost his house, suffered a traumatic brain injury, and had just ended a long term relationship before we reconnected. He will do things like call me lazy for forgetting to change the toilet paper roll. Or lose it when I don't do things that are expected of me when I don't know what he expected in the first place.

 

[Momofthree]

I agree that it is stress, my current boyfriend has replaced my abusive ex's face in my nightmares, my subconscious loves to tell me that all relationships will end in death (since my psychotic ex tired to kill me). It is hard for me to tell myself they are just dreams even though in reality my boyfriend is the most supportive partner I have ever had. I know it hurts to be told that 'you' are hurting him in his dreams, but it isn't you it's his stress.

 

[toomuchlovetoletgo]

Is there anything I can do to help him? I feel like it it's starting to effect our relationship in his waking life.

 

[Momofthree]

No, there is nothing you can do. He has to work it out on his own, he has to choose whether or not he will let it effect the way he sees you when he's awake. You trying to do anything to change his view of you (being kinder or more appealing to him) in real life will more then likely make it worse. The best thing you can do for him be yourself and take care of yourself, he will either accept you for you or he won't but you can't change him or mold to him and loose yourself.

 

[toomuchlovetoletgo]

I am trying so hard to be myself. But I feel as if I'm losing sight if who that is. I am so worried about his reactions and dislikes that I feel like I am walking on eggshells.

 

[Momofthree]

You are loosing sight of who you are because he is basically a leach attached to your soul. I'm sorry this is harsh and you probably don't want to hear it, but it is the truth. You can't be yourself and be with him.

 

[toomuchlovetoletgo]

I appreciate your honesty. I've done a lot of research into this. But have never had anyone to talk to that understands.

 

[Sighs]

He is ex-military right? So, in his world forgetting small things gets people killed. My vet expects me to remember every minor task and carry out each perfectly. If the loo paper runs out that is completely unacceptable. If you can't get the small stuff right how can you be trusted with the big stuff etc. This is not (IMHO) PTSD - just military. You can deal with it 2 ways - try to get him to accept a little slack in the system or step up to running your home to military standards. Which of these you go with depends on your natural inclinations for neatness and order and his ability to civvy up. My man spent about 25 years as an infantry soldier. His ability to civvy up is almost non-existent.

As far as the dreams go, my partner has been having a recurring nightmare that I am stabbing him. I found this really hard to get my head around. I posted about it here and a few people pointed out that if he is feeling close to me then he is vulnerable to me. All I could do was reassure him that I love him and would never intentionally hurt him.

You're only a month in. There will be some bumps in the road ahead. Hang in there.