So I went out today and I thought it'd be a good idea to describe how I felt while it's still fresh in my mind. My brain will bury it by tomorrow morning.
It took me over two hours to get ready. Fussing over everything and putting on every piece of clothes in my closet. I had a panic attack but got myself ready and left. By this time I'm already feeling miserable and don't want to go anywhere.
Then, I'm driving down the highway and about halfway towards my destination I realize my gas tank is almost empty. More panic as I remind myself where the next exit is. Now I'm going to be late and make my friend wait for me. I have to exit and go down the street so I'm going to be a good 15 minutes behind. I feel extraordinarily guilty and text her.
I get to the cafe and apologize several times to my friend. I feel like a child who has "done something terribly wrong" and wonder if one day she'll get tired of me. On the plus side, a Korean friend I haven't seen for awhile is working and I get to have a conversation with him since the place is not busy. My heart is pounding and I'm so nervous I stumble over my words, but I'm glad I could see him. And we made plans for a Korean group get together which was supposed to happen a couple months back. I'm pleased that will be able to get back in touch with cultural things.
My friend brought a card game, but I can't even think enough to play. I do my best to fake it, though. I feel like sleeping at this point. She tells me about her awesome promotion and I tell her how sincerely happy I am for her. She works so hard and deserves it. She's a wonderful person. I'm so glad her hard work is paying off. I always had faith in her. I know my path does not follow a traditional career, but I'll find my place someday.
I'm frustrated and uncomfortable the rest of the evening because it's dinner time and I need food. My friend already ate and didn't really inform me before we met. She wants to go several places to shop but I'm really hungry at this point so my mood isn't that good. But I find a really good medical book I need for studying so another plus. It's very cheap and I buy it even though I'm agonizing about money (no income). I spend 20 minutes deciding on what to eat. I have huge anxiety issues over eating because I've been poor my whole life and now without income, I'm ultra paranoid about it. Food stamps should be coming soon, though so I'm trying to be patient. I remind myself of this. My brain associates food with money nowdays and I've developed a dislike of eating. I can hardly recognize hunger anymore until I really REALLY need to eat.
I finally settle on a place where I can get soup and salad for $5. I make sure I have enough protein and fruit for dessert. My friend watches me eat and I feel guilty even though she seems to enjoy herself. Stress stress stress. I'm uncomfortable in my surroundings, definitely over sensitized, exhausted, uncomfortable in my clothes, and not feeling like myself at all. I just want go home.
Finally back at the Asian market, I get the groceries I need. I probably forgot half of them since my nerves where so bad, I couldn't even think. The entire evening, my conversation is so erratic going from one thing to another, not able to complete thoughts, my entire body shaking. It's time to drive home and I'm dissociating so badly by now. My mind is trying to escape because I hate my surroundings so much. I'm nauseated and to make things worse, I have very bad vision and anxiety makes it worse.
I'm always sure to drive home by nightfall since I can't see in the dark. I have my radio on very loudly and my mind fades into it, into a comfortable place, a favorite artist, and drifts off to a world where I am comfortable, where I belong. The drive home goes by fast - incredibly faster than the drive out there.
I've been home for an hour and still not grounded yet. I just need to retreat to my fantasy world. Wishing I was still together with my ex; our home was the the only place I ever felt comfortable in this world. I want to find a place like that again someday.
I can't analyze my experience until tomorrow. My brain can't process it yet. I though dumping it here would help someone understand what some people like me feel and think. I know I left out a lot, but this is a start.
But, this is how life is for me. I'm rarely comfortable. The only places I feel comfortable are in my room, living with my ex, at the Taoist temple, at our Asia town (when I'm alone, friends stress me out), in sensei's tea room. I don't feel comfortable anywhere else.
Countless people say I'm an ancient soul. It's true, and then I have PTSD on top of it.
I feel embarrassed to make this post, but I'm leaving it here because it might help someone.
Misul
It took me over two hours to get ready. Fussing over everything and putting on every piece of clothes in my closet. I had a panic attack but got myself ready and left. By this time I'm already feeling miserable and don't want to go anywhere.
Then, I'm driving down the highway and about halfway towards my destination I realize my gas tank is almost empty. More panic as I remind myself where the next exit is. Now I'm going to be late and make my friend wait for me. I have to exit and go down the street so I'm going to be a good 15 minutes behind. I feel extraordinarily guilty and text her.
I get to the cafe and apologize several times to my friend. I feel like a child who has "done something terribly wrong" and wonder if one day she'll get tired of me. On the plus side, a Korean friend I haven't seen for awhile is working and I get to have a conversation with him since the place is not busy. My heart is pounding and I'm so nervous I stumble over my words, but I'm glad I could see him. And we made plans for a Korean group get together which was supposed to happen a couple months back. I'm pleased that will be able to get back in touch with cultural things.
My friend brought a card game, but I can't even think enough to play. I do my best to fake it, though. I feel like sleeping at this point. She tells me about her awesome promotion and I tell her how sincerely happy I am for her. She works so hard and deserves it. She's a wonderful person. I'm so glad her hard work is paying off. I always had faith in her. I know my path does not follow a traditional career, but I'll find my place someday.
I'm frustrated and uncomfortable the rest of the evening because it's dinner time and I need food. My friend already ate and didn't really inform me before we met. She wants to go several places to shop but I'm really hungry at this point so my mood isn't that good. But I find a really good medical book I need for studying so another plus. It's very cheap and I buy it even though I'm agonizing about money (no income). I spend 20 minutes deciding on what to eat. I have huge anxiety issues over eating because I've been poor my whole life and now without income, I'm ultra paranoid about it. Food stamps should be coming soon, though so I'm trying to be patient. I remind myself of this. My brain associates food with money nowdays and I've developed a dislike of eating. I can hardly recognize hunger anymore until I really REALLY need to eat.
I finally settle on a place where I can get soup and salad for $5. I make sure I have enough protein and fruit for dessert. My friend watches me eat and I feel guilty even though she seems to enjoy herself. Stress stress stress. I'm uncomfortable in my surroundings, definitely over sensitized, exhausted, uncomfortable in my clothes, and not feeling like myself at all. I just want go home.
Finally back at the Asian market, I get the groceries I need. I probably forgot half of them since my nerves where so bad, I couldn't even think. The entire evening, my conversation is so erratic going from one thing to another, not able to complete thoughts, my entire body shaking. It's time to drive home and I'm dissociating so badly by now. My mind is trying to escape because I hate my surroundings so much. I'm nauseated and to make things worse, I have very bad vision and anxiety makes it worse.
I'm always sure to drive home by nightfall since I can't see in the dark. I have my radio on very loudly and my mind fades into it, into a comfortable place, a favorite artist, and drifts off to a world where I am comfortable, where I belong. The drive home goes by fast - incredibly faster than the drive out there.
I've been home for an hour and still not grounded yet. I just need to retreat to my fantasy world. Wishing I was still together with my ex; our home was the the only place I ever felt comfortable in this world. I want to find a place like that again someday.
I can't analyze my experience until tomorrow. My brain can't process it yet. I though dumping it here would help someone understand what some people like me feel and think. I know I left out a lot, but this is a start.
But, this is how life is for me. I'm rarely comfortable. The only places I feel comfortable are in my room, living with my ex, at the Taoist temple, at our Asia town (when I'm alone, friends stress me out), in sensei's tea room. I don't feel comfortable anywhere else.
Countless people say I'm an ancient soul. It's true, and then I have PTSD on top of it.
I feel embarrassed to make this post, but I'm leaving it here because it might help someone.
Misul
