My Family Is Intent On Breaking Me.

[HëllaBubz]

About an hour ago, I had this conversation out of the blue, with my mother on facebook. First my heart rate went up, and I couldn't bring it down. Then my anxiety peaked really high, my breathing changed and I started feeling shaky. Then my body temperature went through the roof like I had a massive temperature and migraine.

My family is so intent on catering to my emotionally selfish, manipulative and lying father that they do not seem to care about what it does to me.

One thing I do know, my family's bullshit is not mine to own, and I want far, far, far away from them. I am not responsible for their bad choices, but I refuse to be made responsible.

Mum
Was just told u don't want dad at party. I'd so I won't be there either. Sorry, can't split us uo like that. He is making huge efforts to be a new person and I will support him. You have to give everyone a chance to grow.

Me
You may have noticed that I haven't asked him NOT to come. So well done for jumping the gun and making shit that wasn't there. Who was the bigmouth that can't mind their own business?

Mum
(Sister) Said u told her that u and (brother) didn't want him there and she told him.

Me
For f*ck's sake. I am so sick of this goddamned family jumping to conclusions and half quoting me. Goddamned bullshit. Not even what I said.

Mum
Well its what he believes and since u dumped him from fb he thinks u don't want him around.

Me
Listen, doesn't matter what shit I try to explain to the lot of you, you jump to your own conclusions and half quote me. f*ck it, I'm so tired of justifying myself when no one even listens to what is being said. Think whatever the hell you want, I'm sick of this.

Mum
Speak to (sister). I find thus painful too. U just seem to love telling Me how much people can't stand dad and tell (cousin) on fb how u hate him what am I supposed to tjink, god knows what u said to (friend), so things get around and I try to hope its not true but thought I would tell u what was said and how I feel, if that's jumping to conclusions , sorry. U laid the foundations with ur own actions...

Me
You know what, if you really believe this bullshit, and don't bother to find out what I've really said, and why if I've said anything at all, and why I've cut off Dad, then don't bother with anything. I'm not responsible for the shit you believe, and I"m not getting sucked into the emotional bullshit this family is so good at starting. It's unhealthy, and I for one could not give a flying f*ck about how dad feels if it means I'm healthy, happy and able to sleep at night. And when I'm anywhere near him, I'm none of those things.

Me
This isn't about how his emotions, this is about my health, my baby's health, and being able to live a somewhat healthy and normal life. I have to live with the past every single day, and if you or he can't respect that, that's your problem, not mine, and I choose to withdraw so I can stay sane.

Mum
I was actually trying to find out what u said, ii thought (sister) would tell I truly. ..I won't say more...I don't know what to tell him.

Me
I'm so over this. If I choose to stay away from him because he's unhealthy for me, then that's my choice, respect it. My heart rate is through the roof, my anxiety is up, and I'm triggered really badly now, and you wonder why the f*ck I stay away from him and anything to do with him. I have nightmares so f*cking bad about that man that I woke up this morning in a pool of my own urine from pure rage, terror and frustration. You have to live with the man, but I don't, so stop trying to force me to deal with your bad choices in life. If you can deal with him, that's great and I wish you all the best, but the damage has been done to me, and I'll choose to deal with it in the healthiest way for me, not anyone else.

Mum
So be it. I wish u peace and forgiveness.

Me
And to you.

 

[shell]

Enablers will always support the abuser, it's what they do.

Good on you for setting clear boundaries, sometimes we have to make tough choices to move on.

Take a deep breath, and remember you have a choice now, to have a healthy and happy future for you and your new family, and that means that we can't have the same relationship with either parent.

 

[HëllaBubz]

Thank you Shell. I'm still pretty stressed about it, however it needed to be said. It is a horrible thing when you realise that the parent you've wanted to protect from the abusive parent, shows complicit and enabling behaviour for the abuser.

It's truly, completely awful, and I'm really struggling with it. The letter I'm currently drafting to cut of my father pales in comparison to how this is making me feel right now.

But if they're both unhealthy, then I will do what I must to make this work.
I'll be putting on my armour this one last time.

 

[ms spock]

Negotiating family is really tricky.

Limit what you say to anyone who will repeat stuff to other family members.

Be clear and take care of yourself Bubzilla.

Short and timed interactions are the way to go with families like this - that way you don't cut off and lose your family but you also protect yourself. So a cup of tea, in a cafe for 30 minutes and take hubby as a bolster.

Endlessly discussing what you might or might not have said is not productive so perhaps keep it short, sharp and sweet.

I didn't manage with my family so these are just suggestions.

 

[HëllaBubz]

Thanks Ms Spock.

Mum completely twisted what I said to a cousin, and what the hell my mother said that my sister said....ye gods, not even going to go there. I was actually trying to explain to my sister how my PTSD works, and why I don't talk to dad much anymore.

But I give up, there was no point explaining it to her, because she just doesn't listen, justifies my father, or tries to convince me that none of it happened, or I have a warped memory.

I decided 2 weeks ago to cut my father off permanently, and started drafting a letter, I'll post it up on here for some thoughts before I hand it over to him, family and friends but I'm feeling really confident as my psych read it, said it was really long but said she wouldn't change a word of it, and thought it was perfect.

I think that I now have my family which is my partner, brother and baby, I will be fine with that.

 

[ms spock]

Playing broken record.

"I didn't say that." or some such can work over time.

Good luck with it all Bubzilla.

I regret cutting some of the people out of my life now, though it was the best I could do at the time. Can you go for really time limited activities with your family. An hour in a bowling alley? Just a thought. I don't know all the details so this suggestion might not be relevant.

 

[ms spock]

I don't think your family is intent on breaking you but on maintaining the status quo is more like it. Just a thought.

 

[HëllaBubz]

I agree Ms Spock, I don't think they are intent on breaking me, at least not intentionally. However it is worth noting that my father would do whatever was necessary earlier in my childhood to 'make his children submit to his God given will as a father.'

Just a thought.

Keeping ties with my father is not an option, he is pure poison for me, and the lack of supportive or understanding attitudes from him or other family member's makes it even more imperative for me to stay away so that I can heal.

I cannot be healthy, happy, untriggered or healing from trauma when I have any contact with him, unfortunately that is not something based on opinion, but rather the constant triggering effect, trauma, nightmares, family manipulation and pure lies.

As a result, I cannot be the optimal mother when I am in that state, so I need to remove myself from this situation.

 

[rightkindofme]

I don't have a relationship with anyone in my family because they still want a relationship with my sister even though she has raped a large number of children in my family. They can have her instead of me. Apparently they all deserve her.

I'm sorry your family is this way. I didn't completely go no contact until after my children were born. I wish I had done so during pregnancy. They made pregnancy and early parenthood hard. My sister came to my baby shower (when I was still trying to make things work and before I had heard about the three children she raped) and threatened to beat me up. The whole thing was horrible.

I'm really sorry.

 

[HëllaBubz]

I didn't completely go no contact until after my children were born. I wish I had done so during pregnancy. They made pregnancy and early parenthood hard.

Yeah, it's something I wished I'd done a while ago. You make a really fair point.

My brother made a really valid point the other day when he said that my sister cannot ever understand the truth of my PTSD or what my father did/is because dad has her ear and always will, as a result, nothing I ever say will ever sink in.

I'm really sorry about your sister and family RightKindOfMe, but at the same time I'm glad you're free and safe now, and hopefully much happier without the constant shit.

 

[DMerish]

Bubzilla,

I'm sorry you're going through this. We wish, we hope, that our family is "there for us" - that we can depend on them for love, support and understanding, but sometimes it is not so. Letting go of one's illusions is hard. You're making the transition with strength and resolve.

It sounds like the primary issue is the relationship with your father. Writing him a letter may be good. If it were me, I'd make my letter short and to the point - simply stating my position. There is no need to justify, defend, or even outline your excuses (reasoning).

Enablers will always support the abuser, it's what they do.

You don't need to explain anything to enablers either, whether it's your reason(s) for not having contact or to describe the affects of PTSD. Most people just "don't get it" and sometimes think they know the remedy you need. They'll say things (consciously or unconsciously) that you don't need to hear. Not fun. You already explained some things with your mother. I'm glad the conversation with her ended as it did.

Playing broken record. "I didn't say that." or some such can work over time.

Other things to have up your sleeve might include:
"Hmmm, that's not how I remember it. But it's not important anymore." (Then switch the subject fast)
"Well, if you're interested, you can look up ______ on the internet and maybe find some info." (to nosey folks)
"Gosh, it's not my business. I wish you/them well." (when told/made to feel you made someone feel a certain way)
"Thanks for the invite, but I/we already have a commitment, sorry." (To invites, etc. . . repeat broken record as necessary)
The commitment is to you/your health/your family's health - again, you don't need to justify, argue, defend or explain.

You can't stop the triggering of unhappy memories, negative self-talk or judgmental ways others think--but what you can stop is what happens next. You can stop the vicious circle from feeding off itself and triggering the next downward spiral by viewing yourself as if on a high unclouded mountain top - a vantage point - from which you can see every thing for miles away. From that vantage point you can see activities going on below in which you want to partake and others that you simply just let be.

Big hugs (((Bubzilla))) I know being in this place isn't easy or comfortable.

Drew

 

[rightkindofme]

I am much happier. :) My life is pretty good now.