My father is a jerk, christmas edition, 2017

[Justmehere]

It’s the holidays and I’m very predictably struggling with family.

My mother told me recently that my father is threatening to divorce her if she invites me to Christmas dinner. I do not know his issue with me. This is a long post, but it explains the backstory: https://www.myptsd.com/threads/fami...-reconcile-with-my-family.66527/#post-1096422 It may not actually matter though what the backstory is, because it doesn’t make sense to anyone. Not my therapist or anyone. The physical abuse by him as a child is one thing, but this mess, it just undoes me.

I know, I know, many will say and have said before, I should cut ties. For several years, my mother is the only one I have any communication with at all. It’s complex as to why I haven’t cut ties with her yet. It is what it is.

My mother wants to again come to my place for Christmas to try and do something with me, minus any other family. She also says she hates the holidays.

Should I be ok with her coming over? When other family members do not come up and are not involved, my mother and I get along wonderfully. But throw in family dynamics and it is all very hard to get along. She hosted for Christmas the past 3 years and they have been nice visits, but sad for me. Probably for her too.

I told her I want to be included in the family. (This might be stupid.) Her response is to tell me I should want to have Christmas with people I actually have a relationship with. “You don’t have any relationship with your father and brother jmh.”

Uh, yeah, I’d like to change that mom. Which is probably impossible and stupid, and I’ve quickly let go of any hope of ever being included. I can only control me and my family is probably beyond repair short of a miracle of God.

I’m in a funk. I can’t shake that father will divorce my mother if she invites me for Christmas and I don’t know why. What even is that?

I can’t shake this. I need to shake it off. She wants to be here at my place. How do I just keep being ok with that? I’m trying to see it from her viewpoint that she’s trying to make the best of a bad situation. But I just see her there as a symbol that I’m broken. Rejected. For existing.

She tells me to find my own family. I have tried. I think if I had a family of my own, and wasn’t so freaking lonely and lost this holiday, it wouldn’t be such a big deal. I know this is the real issue and no amount of connection or lack of connection with my family of origin will solve that.

I still do have to decide if I’m going to say yes or no to the request of my mother to come visit for Christmas. Any thoughts?

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Justmehere While I hear you that you “want” a relationship with the rest of your family. You know that this isn’t going to happen. Yes, it hurts, but as you say, it is what it is. You can’t change other people or how they react to you, but you can change how you react to them and their behavior.

I suggest that you and your mother spend Christmas together and make the best of a miserable situation. At least you have her. There are many of us that are totally alone, myself included.

 

[Neverthesame]

Would any other family members go to your place if invited?

Maybe your mum could come over early and help get the place ready, so the stress of hosting several guests doesn't fall solely on your shoulders?
I know it's not the same as being there for the official family dinner, but it would let you spend time with some of them at least.

 

[LuckiLee]

Your mother shouldn't have shared that information with you. That should have been kept between her and your father. It only caused you more pain.

Maybe you could share a meal with her before Christmas? Or do some shopping together?

Start a new tradition with her. I'm sorry you're going through this. Families should be supportive not destructive. Best of luck to you both.

Merry Christmas to you and your Mom!

 

[Justmehere]

Would any other family members go to your place if invited?

No. They live 1,000 miles away. They have said they won’t be around me until my father accepts me back. They are clear they feel as though he has set it up as a choice of him or me, and they have to choose. They choose him.

For several years it had been all of us together and it went wonderfully. I still can’t figure out why that stopped even.

My mother said that if I fly her where they all live, she will “make sure” I can’t spend time with others. Ugh. Mom. Stop. Let everyone manage themselves. I asked her why and what she would do and she started screaming and hung up.

No one else will return my calls due to the “male your father happy” first requirement. .

Merry Christmas to you and your Mom!

Thank you!

I do think maybe a trip another time of year or before / after Christmas would be better and yet it just all stinks.

 

[digger]

She wants to be here at my place. How do I just keep being ok with that? I’m trying to see it from her viewpoint that she’s trying to make the best of a bad situation. But I just see her there as a symbol that I’m broken. Rejected. For existing.

Are you able to reframe this at all to her choosing to spend Christmas with you over them could actually be sending a stronger message that what's broken is at their end, not yours.

Is it quite a big statement that in the face of your father telling her he will divorce her if she invites you there, she chooses to spend the time with you anyway?

My worry is will she actually follow through on it if you do invite her, or is she likely to change her mind/have her mind changed and cause you further upset in the process?

 

[MyWillow]

Families. Who’d have them.

I can’t think of anything worse than spending time, particularly Christmas, with my father and brother. Yet all they want to do is play happy families. And continue to treat me like the scapegoat they always have. My Mum is coming over this week. On her own. She’s very enabling and I can’t have much of a relationship with her when she’s under my father’s thumb. I’m not sure it’s the best idea as she’s already started the placating, disingenuous BS. But my therapist gently reminded me to focus on what is rather than what isn’t. Mum listened when I said I needed some 1:1 time with her. And she booked a flight. I’ve been doing an awful lot of grieving lately for what wasn’t, isn’t and never will be.

 

[EveHarrington]

First I’m going to give you the biggest hug in the world. HUGGGGGGGGG

And now I’m going to get real with you.

My dear, you are not the broken one in this situation. The reason it’s so chaotic is because you’re getting healthy and it no longer fits in with that world of dysfunction. There will be tons of chaos as these two worlds are in conflict with one another.

And FWIW, even though I’m just a stranger on the internet, I think you’re hella-cool and I’d want you in my family.

Yesterday I said goodbye to my abusive father. My wounded inner child parts couldn’t handle it anymore. My duty is to them and nobody else. So my advice to you is to listen to your wounded child parts. Take care of them. Protect them. Defend them. They are you and deserve the best.

:hug:

 

[Justmehere]

Are you able to reframe this at all to her choosing to spend Christmas with you over them could actually be sending a stronger message that what's broken is at their end, not yours.

That’s what I think I have to see this as in order to do it. It’s a very adult perspective and probably more accurate than how I see it now.

She could just write me off.

She’s spent Christmas with just me a handful of times, and it’s unlikely he will divorce her if she comes here. He apparently has no objection to that. He is terribly clear that if I go there, that’s the line. I don’t honestly much care if they divorce or not. If they did divorce, I don’t think I’d be upset. Is that selfish of me?

The way I look at it now, I feel like a horrible person. I’m not sure why, but it seems to be distorted and just making me feel like crap. That’s how I saw it as a child.

I want to frame it differently. In a more adult manner.

 

[Neverthesame]

No. They live 1,000 miles away. They have said they won’t be around me until my father accepts me back.

Dang. That's a bugger.
I'm not sure what else to suggest. I like the idea of starting a new tradition.