My husband died today

[Deleted member 12723]

I think that managing with the contractors about the roof is very overwhelming at this time in your life.

You can always change your mind and put it on hold if you need to.

Being so raw and vulnerable in your grief is a lot to face each day. I am glad that you are at the point where you feel some peace about the choice to kill himself and you could not mind read what he was planning.

I think that you are doing the very best that you can right now and it is good. I remember being so vulnerable and feeling so odd when in mixed company I was the single one having lost my other half.

I found it to be a very lonely journey the first year. The foundations have collapsed and you are left in the rubble of the aftermath. It is not time to do clean up of the rubble alone

Please focus on self care right now and face each day that is so different the best you are able and your husband would want you to take really good care of yourself tight now in my opinion.

I think that the search for a dog companion is a very good goal for you and you can take all of the time you need before you find one that needs you and chooses you. I hope this makes sense. Great big hugs.

 

[NarcSis]

Thank you @gizmo, I am doing basic care, making sure to eat meals hungry or not, drinking plenty of liquids, simple exercises like stretching and squats. taking breaks through my days as needed, journaling and trying to get adequate sleep. None of it ever truly relieves the depression within me but it keeps me going and establishes a routine.

My sister left today and almost the second the door closed and I stood just inside the house, I was highly aware of the emptiness of it again. It was silent. There was no other presence inside and I felt suddenly so alone again. I was crying in no time. I tried not to but the loneliness was just so overwhelming. I was sort of hard on myself because I had a contractor scheduled to come over to give me an estimate on the roofing but it worked so that I wasn't bawling my eyes out anymore. I was brave and he came and went, leaving me a reasonable estimate. My next hurdle is to get through the next three visits required to collect my information and make my informed decision. This is a huge accomplishment for me. I did this all by myself. I would really love to be able to put this off for a while longer however the longer I delay the more risk I place of not being able to get the job done this year and I'm not sure if the shingles can last another year without incurring damage.

Once I schedule in the roof repair, only then can I start to focus on the other things that still need to be done - tackling his final tax return and fighting with his final RRSP company to try to move his funds into my RRSP; this one in particular puts the fear of God in me, I hate fighting for things. I just wish life would be easy. I wrote yesterday that I wished everything would just fall into place and be easy because the longer things drag out the longer I delay fully being able to process this whole ordeal. I just want a time to rest. That's all. I just want some time to be me and not a caretaker of his affairs.

I spoke briefly with his mother who has told me that she discovered that his father had died close to a decade ago. I'm not sure of the truth of that but either way, it makes no difference to me. I was not looking for the man; after having heard the stories of how my husband was treated when he was younger, I wasn't very concerned whether the man was alive or not. I did feel that he should at minimum know of the death of his son but I wasn't taking on that responsibility. I've never met him so I felt it was up to my husband's family to make that move.

I spoke at length today with my therapist about the night he died. The guilt I am struggling with about how I behaved while he was ruminating, how confused I was about whether to go to him and coddle him or stay away like he usually wanted me too when he was upset. The guilt I harbor because I was triggered by his obsession with thoughts of his having a heart attack and I just wanted him to snap out of it. I told her about his coming to bed after me and saying, "I got scared." How looking back at that I realize now that he'd changed his mind about killing himself and then at some point during the night or after he woke up that morning he changed his mind back again. It's a What If that bothers me, we were so close to him surviving.

And his death. His being dead. I still struggle with comprehending what death even is. Logically I know what it is, what it means but from a conceptual standpoint? I don't understand how he's gone, how he doesn't exist as a person anymore and whether he even exists in any form right now. Where did he go? Where is he? How is he just gone? How is it that he will never speak again or be able to interact with me at all?

I never went through any of that with the deaths of my brother, my dad or my mom, to me they were just dead and that was that. This is just a totally different type of relationship to have lost. I keep saying I miss him, so much so that the words are almost meaningless now and they don't even convey the depth of what I truly feel.

I miss him so intensely.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

@Medic72 thank you for claryfing the roof needing to be done. I understand the urgency to do it now. It is so hard to do the handling of his affairs while being in the depths of grief and loss and missing him so intensely.

I am really proud of you for having a routine of self care, good for you.

Yeah the silence is deafening.I am so glad that you are in therapy at this fragile time in your life. The pain of being left alone is so hard to face and to cope with every day. I was in shock and burned out and exhausted. It was so very hard to go family gatherings at that time in my life. I missed my partner. I did not know me on my own yet.

I think that the loneliness was so intense that I was so desperate for support and human contact. I had hated living where we had to move to so much. I am so glad that you are still at home and okay with this.

It was so difficult to sleep alone in my bed. I would hug his pillow at night. I am so happy that you have your teddy bears. I think that you are very brave in going into the basement and sorting through your husbands things. Slowly but surely you are accomplishing a great deal.:hug:

 

[ms spock]

Thinking of you @Medic72. I don't know what to say, but I do think of you each day. I look at that little kitten of your avatar and I know that avatar well - I look for it. I send you my very best wishes, and my heart does hurt for you. I wish I could say something more. You are doing so well in such a complex and difficult situation.

 

[NarcSis]

I wrote a blog post today about the things we've been enduring over the past two years since I was fired. The many times I wanted to give up. How suddenly it would hit me if my husband got even the slightest bit angry with me. How I always convinced myself that he would have a better life without me and that all of this stress would just go away and leave him alone if I was just gone from the world. I wrote about how each time he said or did something to change my mind and how many times I came close to just dying. I talked about how my employer was treating me how even after they fired me we were still dragged through the mud and I was made to feel completely worthless and destroyed. I talked about how that impacted him. How he hated seeing me so trampled on and so destroyed. How what they did to me had a huge impact on him too and just added to the stress that he was already under. How ultimately that job was responsible for his death.

At first he hated not having a steady partner - our managers don't realize just how f'ing stressful it is to go from a permanent partner to a revolving door of different people every shift, never knowing what is going to walk through that door. He always said that he felt they were doing it to him on purpose to try to break him. He was paranoid because of what I was being put through, he felt he was being targeted. When he finally did get a permanent temp, he hated his partner. He hated him so much that he was texting me every other night saying "if I die at work it'll be because this idiot got me killed." He was so afraid that this new guy was going to screw up and get him killed or seriously injured. He had even asked around to see if it was just him who had a low opinion of the guy but the feeling was shared by everyone who'd worked with this guy before. I know I'd told him on several occasions to put in for a new partner, to just file a complaint and get the kid moved. He didn't want to look like a whiner and he didn't want to give them more ammunition to use against him.

Remembering this stuff gets me so upset and angry. I hate being upset and angry. There is no point in even remembering any of that because it's too late to do anything about it now, he's dead. He killed himself because the stress of everything was just too much for him to endure anymore. I didn't publish the post. I may publish it later but I'm not sure about how close it is to "revealing" anything about the lawsuit and jeopardizing everything. I hate being silenced. I just want to scream to the world what we've been put through these past few years.

I'm finding blame. I'm so angry I just wish their family members would all kill themselves too, or better yet, one of their own shoot themselves right in front of all of them. I want each one of them to know what PTSD is and never be able to feel like a normal person ever again in their lives.

I fear now that he's gone, they will come back at me harder. This is supposed to be a settlement of our case but if their dick of a lawyer feels stalling will result in me not surviving the outcome, he will stall endlessly. I won't die until after this is all done. That is my promise right now. I have to see this to the end and then, then I will have to find another reason to keep living.

Big deep breath. I need to let that go. It doesn't help me.

I sat in his computer room today talking to his ashes, crying and asking him why he would have ever thought I would be okay all by myself. I told him just how much pain I am struggling to deal with all on my own now and how the house is so alone now, that I can't sense him here and I begged him just to let me sense him with me. I think it's the pain from not being able to get a sense of him that day too. That disconnectedness that was getting in the way of my feeling him even before he died. I would look at him some days and try to feel my love for him, to feel something for him and not feel like I was looking at a stranger. I knew I loved him, I loved every single thing about him but I sometimes found it so hard to connect with the feeling that should have been there - the sense of that love.

It really bothered me that I could not sense him that day. I sensed that my mom was going to die the day she coded, that is why I sent my sister out of the room. I sensed my brother when he died. I sensed my dad when he died. I sensed the "leaving" but after PTSD I lost that ability to sense people on that kind of level. It was very disturbing. Today I was just sitting there staring at his urn and begging him to let me feel something, to feel him near. I hate feeling nothing.

My sister just sent me a picture that our brother sent to her. "He didn't want to send it to you because he knew it would make you cry." It's a picture I've never seen before of my husband and I in uniform at a Remembrance Day ceremony; we're standing with my brother and my nephew both in their uniforms (police and sea cadet). It was obviously a long time ago because my brother is no longer a cop and hasn't been for a while.

I cried. I bawled my eyes out. But that also makes me upset, why would you withhold a picture of my husband from me because you'd think it would upset me? He's dead, there's nothing more upsetting than that. Uggh, my family.

God I miss him so damned much. I just don't know how to stop that. I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing to get me through this. How do I do this alone? How do I survive this alone? I'm so unbelievably lonely.

 

[scout86]

I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing to get me through this.

I think you're doing it. You're doing the day to day stuff that needs to be done, even if it's hard and you're lonely and feel like you might not be up to the tasks. One step at a time, you're making it through the days and meeting obligations. You're sharing, at least with us, you thoughts and feelings. You're thinking and remembering and processing. You're moving ahead and trying to make sense out of the new version of reality.

I wish I could fix this for you!!!!!!!! :hug:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

:hug:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Remember to breathe and take it a moment at a time if need be. You seem to be in the transitional phase that I went through. There is so little information that I have found on going from an us to a me. Yet loss is a huge part of life and we struggle so with loss.

 

[NarcSis]

My chest feels like there is a constant pressure in it. It takes me hours to settle it and release the tension that builds in the muscles and relieve the pain that lingers. There are moments in my days where it feels like my heart could just stop beating. It thuds and shudders in my chest feeling like it's just flopping over lazily. It takes breathing practice to make it all feel better again.

Today I laid down on the couch and closed my eyes and concentrated on relaxing my body. I focused fully on my breathing and I allowed my body to let go. It only works for a short while and then my mind circles back to thinking about him and my heart starts to thud again, shaking my entire body. I did my basic stuff today and nothing more. Shower, stretches, eat, dishes, write (or attempt too), eat again, try to write more, chatted briefly with a friend, spoke to my sister on the phone and tried to write again. Watched a movie. Ate again, watched some television and then was finally able to write something worth publishing.

It's hard to not think of him. I try to write and I end up heading into gloom and doom and death. So instead I try to write about him and I end up speaking as if to him. Always, always end up in those circular questions that cannot be answered. It's a complete exercise in frustration.

I just ended up writing to him today. I spent over an hour just "talking" to him on the page. You know I've said I miss you so many times that it is almost meaningless now. Those words don't even convey what I feel. It's not even just missing him, it's feeling so absolutely shattered inside, so betrayed, so lost, so amputated. My days are pointless now because the things I did I mostly did for him. Meals etc. Now I just don't care what I eat. Cereal for dinner. Toast for lunch. I'm just not into cooking this week.

I've got another contractor coming tomorrow and I just don't want to deal with it. Maybe I'll feel better after a night of sleep.

I will never understand how a man who never once indicated a wish for self harm could just up and kill himself. I'll never get how he could fall prey to that panic. How he could get so caught up in it so fast and act on it. After everything I'd already been through, he acted on that panic. He went through with it.

He's never coming back. He's never going to be able to tell me why. I could live another 20 years - alone! How could he leave me?

 

[Deleted member 12723]

:hug: @Medic72 Everything is going to be okay for you although it takes time. You have so many things to face and deal with at the same time. It sounds like you had a much better day today. Every feeling and question and thought is valid.

I lost interest in everything when my husband died and felt and thought I was going to be stuck like that forever, not true. It will be three years this month for me. I cannot believe how much better I am today but I had to go through the baptism of fire to get here.

I am slowly coming back to life and I am now a me alone. I am comfortable being a me now. It is a process of self discovery for me. I am getting ideas of things that never occured to me while my husband was alive. I am also gaining back lost interests and hobbies.

The first year is a living hell but I want to encourage you that there are stages to grieving and you are exactly where you are supposed to be at this time in my opinion. I quit cooking the first year and was a basket case. It seems that you are made of stronger stuff inside of you.

You will come out of this whole. You will most likely always miss him. But the scars and wounds will heal. I really am trying to give you some hope and something to hang onto.

 

[NarcSis]

I survived contractor number two! He didn't want to come in the house, so that actually made me feel a lot safer. His quote was way over what I was given by the fast talker on Friday but sadly, I seem to trust him more. He gave me more choice and assured me that his company has been around since 1974, so....tough decision, pay more for quality or pay less for quick and possibly future headache...how long will I even be in this house in reality?

I woke up crying this morning. I rolled over and "smelled" my hubby so I reached out for him and remembered it's just his t-shirt. It made me cry and just not want to get out of bed today. I lay there crying and just begging for him to show me a sign that he's still with me, no signs. I forced myself to get up because I had the contractor coming and one of my friends sent me a picture of the view he woke up to this morning - he's on vacation overlooking a beautiful bay. One of these days I'm going to spend an entire day in bed just watching movies - romantic comedies or animated ones - and eating pure junk food.

I feel sorry for my friend. Guys don't know what to say when you say you're sad, instead he usually just stops interacting with me and of course, that makes me feel worse. Why do people even ask you how you're doing when they don't really want to know? I just wish I had someone to talk to who cares how I'm feeling. The only reason my sister deals with it is because she usually has no choice, it usually breaks into our day and makes its presence known.

I did get out today. After the contractor came (an hour late) and left, I went out to get some groceries and when I came back I needed an excuse to stay out of the house so I went out in the backyard. I pulled some weeds in my garden, planted some pretty tulips that my sister gave to me and cut my grass. At one point I was pulling weeds and thought about how hubby always hated looking after the lawn, then I started to cry - with no way to wipe my face because my hands were covered in black dirt. My husbands old partner is supposed to come help me aerate, topdress and overseed the lawn at some point this month but I might end up doing it myself this week. The front lawn looks like a field of dandelions and need a lot of work...it was hubby's responsibility.

It's these evenings that get me really depressed. I made myself a treat for dessert, I had a banana split but as I was bringing it to the livingroom to eat, I said aloud, "Tin, remember when I made these for us? It was the week before you died." My banana split didn't taste so wonderful after that. I mean, it's not like we used to have the most exciting evenings together, mostly we'd be on the couch watching tv and he'd be on his laptop playing a game - but I think the fact that we were together was enough, y'know? I had company. I wasn't alone. If I wanted to talk I could and if he wanted to talk, he could and we often did. I had a companion.

I'm avoiding doing any more tidying of his things. I think that plays a part in how intense my symptoms get from time to time. I need to pace myself in doing those things. I also have to start making some rough decisions soon, what to keep and what to start letting go of, especially his clothes. But not now. Now I need to just push through this week and work on calming myself and resetting this body.

Just breathe. Take things minute by minute and go easy on myself. It's like starting trauma therapy all over again.

 

[scout86]

Congratulations on surviving contractor # 2! Are you getting a third bid, or just the two? (I'm sure the thought of dealing with ANOTHER contractor sounds horrible!) But, a third bid might give you an better idea of what a reasonable price is. I've never had to hire a roof repair but know several people who have. Sometimes you really are better off not going with the cheapest bid. If it sounds too good to be true... And, I'd bet you're a good judge of character so I think your feelings about the two of them probably count for something.

But not now. Now I need to just push through this week and work on calming myself and resetting this body.

That right there is an example of your wisdom. I think it's safe to trust your judgement. :hug: