My husband died today

[NarcSis]

My sister just called me from work. She had texts on her phone from my brother telling her to call me because I was "in a bad way".

Like, seriously!? Pass the buck!? She's not my problem, tag you're it!!!?

So my sister, who can't just drop her job and run to my side, and also can't take her phone into her jobsite, calls me just now flipping out. "What's going on!?" So I tell her about the insurance thing and she's going off the deep end getting angry, jumping to conclusions, assuming they were demanding his life insurance back!!! Just raging on without paying attention. This is typical of my family. It's not about caring for me, it's about the situation.

I explained to her that it was the car insurance and she said angrily into the phone, "Oh! Oh, well here I thought they were trying to take all your money back! Oh so it's nothing then....I knew you weren't going to get anything out of the car insurance anyway."

Oh thanks those words are so comforting, nice to know everyone cares about ME!!!

I'm not crying about money, I could care less about the stupid money!!!! I'm crying because of the coroners report!! No one can even guess that I'm upset about the coroners report!!??? You know, the details of how my f'ing husband shot himself!!!

She had me crying so hard again. My family is just so f*cking emotionally dense!!! I'm terrified of that coroners report! I'm terrified of it, it's a huge reminder of the worst day of my life! Everything about that day just came flooding back!

I told her that I told the insurance lady that I was all alone, that he left me all alone. You know what my sister said to that? "Yeah, join the crowd."

Join the crowd!!??? Join the crowd! She's NEVER had anyone in her life, she CHOSE to be alone. I DIDN'T CHOOSE TO BE ALONE!!!

She asked if anyone came to be with me - why would they? They already tagged her in, they're no longer responsible! I'm someone else's problem. I just got angry and said, "I don't need anyone coming here to awkwardly stare at me while I cry."

She offered to come tomorrow but I just said, "No don't bother. I'm fine. I don't need anyone."

Her reply? "Oh okay. Oh well, you'll have your doggy to look after you soon."

Yep. I won't be her problem anymore.

People wonder how I could have ever wanted to die!? When I need people most there is no one here!! They always just expect me to toughen up. This is what my husband left me to! This is what's left for me. Nothing. No one.

I'll never get another hug for the rest of my life. No one is ever going to tell me it's going to be okay. I'm always just going to be made to feel stupid for their misunderstanding of my emotional meltdowns.

I probably would have gotten more understanding from a stranger!

I need my hubby. I miss him so much!

 

[Sighs]

I know a virtual hug doesn't even come close Medic but we're sending them anyway.

Is the coroner's report going to include an autopsy report? If so, maybe don't read it - at least not just yet. I've read a few. And every time I've had to advise the deceased's family I've told them to think long and hard before they read it. Some feel the need to know every detail - others don't.

I wish there was more we could do to help you.

 

[scout86]

Your husband sure had your family pegged, didn't he? It's so sad that you don't have a family that's more supportive! This would be hard enough if they were.

Don't let that report assume more importance than it deserves. It's just a bunch of papers. It describes a horrible event, but you already know what happened. Knowing more details won't change anything.I think Sighs makes a good point about reading it.

I'm going to predict a day in the future where there are more hugs. The 2 of you had a special relationship and that can't be duplicated, but it doesn't mean that there will never be any more special relationships. You could have a hug right now, if the miles didn't get in the way. Sorry! (Can't wait to hear more about the dog. BTW I have 2. Can't imagine life without them, even though, once in awhile, they require special arrangements. Usually they don't and they're totally worth the trouble.)

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I also think it is far better not to read the papers for your own sanity sakes. Here is some hugs for you.:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

 

[NarcSis]

@Sighs, yes, the report will include the coroner's observations at scene and the autopsy report. I don't want to read it, I never want to think of that day ever again but I think it might be prudent to have it here with me, stored in the house in a sealed envelope. I don't know, a reminder? A "cautionary tale"? I don't know why, maybe even just a finality to this thing. A reminder that he IS dead and these delusions of this being a cruel joke or his having gone on some secret mission somewhere are NOT real. A reminder that my mind is just placating my heart to try to ease the pain.

Yesterday was the worst day I've had in a very long time. tomorrow my life changes, I get a dog. I bought both a brush and a grooming mitt, new parent issues. I bought three items from the pet store and spent just as much as the other day when I got 5 items from a discount chain! Lesson: Pet Stores are Expensive.

I'm taking a huge financial risk with this dog. It has me anxious. Tomorrow is the sixth month anniversary of my husband's death. I still cannot believe he is dead. He was just smiling at me. I was just holding his hand. How can six months have passed already? I don't know whether or not to try to do something to mark the occasion, just in an effort to ease the pain and appease his memory.

I dreamed of him on Thursday night. I didn't get a chance to write about it because the insurance company called first thing in the morning and ruined my entire day. It was a good dream. He was with me. We were walking in a park, near a beach by a lake and we were holding hands. I remember we sat together on a bench and he was asking me if I was okay and I told him that I couldn't wait for him to come home again because I was so lonely. I guess in the dream he was away on some training course or in the military or something. He told me he'd be home soon but he had to complete his course first, so it wouldn't be right away. We just continued walking together and I woke up.

I passed his car today. Silver 4 door Pontiac Grand Prix with winter rims on. Who has winter rims still on in the middle of summer? It scares me when I see this car. I know what I see is not his car, my family assured me that his car was reduced to scrap metal but the resemblance is just uncanny, so much so that I look at it in my rear view mirror hoping to see if there is a scrape on the rear right bumper. I think he and I saw this car before he died though. It's just unsettling that its here in our town and sits so close to where he died.

I still don't willingly go by that roadway. I take the long way out of my neighborhood when I'm heading hiking so that I don't have to pass the street. If my friend comes to pick me up, I don't ask her to take another route when we go hiking but I do not look out the window toward that street when we pass, it makes my skin crawl. The one image that won't leave my mind is his car sitting there on the shoulder of that roadway. I can't see him in it and that disturbs me. I can't see the top of his head over the driver's headrest which means he wasn't sitting up, he was probably slouched over.

How could he die that way? What evil came and took him from me that morning? Why was I just a half hour too late? Why did he have to die? I want to do those 20 hours over. I want to hug him and be understanding and think of solutions to his problems, I want to hear him and acknowledge his fears and I want him to feel like he can open up to me about wanting to die and I want to tell him the same thing he told me one time, "My life is better with you in it. I don't want anything to ever happen to you. You are the best thing that's ever happened to me. Please don't hurt my lovey." Please don't hurt my Tinny.

It kills me inside to think he hurt himself so badly. It makes no sense for him to have killed himself. That gun haunts me. I know it's not even here anymore but I think of it every time I go to the basement. I think of it each time I see any gun. I hear it discharging even though I never heard it that day, I've fired a shotgun before, I know how loud it is. I know the incessant PING!!! that deafens you once it discharges. I know the buck against your arm. My brother took us shooting once when I was a teenager, I shot double odd buck from a shotgun and it went clean through the hood of a car we were using as a target. I don't even really know what double odd buck means, other than it is the "most dangerous" shot??? I don't know anything about spread or distance or other things that my husband used to chat on about as he sat watching his youtube videos. He knew his weapons, especially the guns. When I looked through his youtube history there were many military weapon feeds that he routinely watched, all guns - automatic weapons, tactical shotguns, modified weapons. It was all very unnerving.

It's echoing through my head over and over, "He must have bled out into the seat." That was the report my brother gave to my sister and she just repeated it aloud - no discretion, no thought to what would get embedded in my head. Those words bother me. They run on repeat in my mind sometimes. I think the worst, like how he must have still been alive for a while, because a heart beat is what causes continued bleeding, or did he struggle for breath or was he conscious of what was happening to him. What did he go through in those moments?

Not even a coroners report could ever answer those questions. Only he can answer those questions for me.

I just wish I could talk to him. I just need to hear him again. I just need to touch him again. I wasn't ready for him to leave. I wasn't ready.

 

[NarcSis]

Today started out very sad and extremely anxious. Today is exactly six months since my husbands suicide. I woke up crying and wasn't sure I'd be in any shape to receive my dog.

I called my sister and asked her to come. She said she would.

My dog arrived at around 130. By 230 I had him responding to his new name and we were playing search. He was following me everywhere I went. He is the sweetest most adorable dog. By 330 I was realizing just how allergic I was to him. My face was swollen, my heart was racing and I was all stuffed up. He on the other hand was snoozing on the floor.

My sister brought allergy meds thank heaven and a crisis was averted but it looks like I'm living on allergy Meds the rest of my life.

My sister is loud and constantly talking she makes your head spin. The dog got so anxious around her he practically chewed a nail off. I was almost crying not knowing what to do so I called the rescue and they told me to put a sock on him. He was afraid of me after that, poor little guy.

They told me not to expect him to toilet for 24 hours but with a lot of rewarding and calming, I got him in the yard and toileting by 8pm. I was so proud of him.

He's fast asleep and snoring on his new little bed. I think this is going to be okay. He is the sweetest dog. My husband would have loved him. There were a few times when we were alone where he stood up and looked at the stairs as if he'd been called; I smiled and said, "Is Daddy saying hi?"

I think my husband would have loved this dog. I don't know why we didn't get a dog years ago.

I'm still anxious but I think this might work out. I'm worried for his now injured foot, but the rescue said they'll pay for a vet visit if he needs one. I'll have to check his foot tomorrow, I pray he's okay and hasn't hurt himself too badly.

I miss my hubby and I wish he could have met our new doggy. Sending big hugs and love up to heaven today.

 

[NarcSis]

I'm anxious and exhausted. I almost burst into tears after my sister left. I'm worrying constantly about the dog.

I also think it's left over sorrow that has been suppressed since yesterday. I miss my hubby, having the dog only distracts from facing that.

I'm not complaining but he's following me everywhere. He sleeps in my room and basically I no longer have "me time". I need to cry and right now I'm afraid to because I don't want to stress the dog out more than he already is.

I trial walked him today just to see how he was - he was great for about a few hundred feet then he turned and pulled all the way back home. We did this three times today. He's still adjusting. He also didn't eat this morning and he doesn't like the backyard now, so no #2 today. He's so hard to figure out. Good thing though, he and I were so exhausted today we napped for a full hour this afternoon- I don't nap!!

I feel like I'm trying to forget my husband. I feel like I'm letting go of his memory and that makes me feel guilty. I just want to scream and cry again. Before the dog I spent my days on the couch talking to my dead husband, now? Now I sit on the couch trying to be quiet so the dog can relax and settle - he sleeps a lot. He also snores - like my husband!

Sigh. Having this dog reminds me that my hubby will never know him. I miss my hubby today. I miss him a lot.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

:hug::hug::hug:

 

[NarcSis]

So today I'm tearing up. The dog is a distraction from confronting the grief but I don't think it's a good distraction. I'm not releasing as I should be. I was grinding my teeth again last night, that hasn't happened in quite a while and I know it's a sign of stress. I'm wondering if its from the responsibility element. I am now responsible for another life. Huge stressor for me.

I left the house today for the first time. I had to go get his license. He can't come because he throws up in the car, so much for getting out a lot with this dog, he can't even ride to the trail heads! He was anxious for the rest of the day, following me around and not letting me out of his sight. Great. He fell asleep a half hour ago and I sneaked into the backyard to check my garden - dog doesn't like the grass now for some reason - when I looked toward the house he was staring out the door at me. Then he was anxious again, laying so he could see me. Uggh. I love this dog but he's putting a lot of pressure on me and I don't know how much longer I'll be coping okay.

I went upstairs to close a window and he was right on my heels. I feel like I can't breathe. I went into the computer room and hugged on my hubby's urn and cried on him. I said, "Tin. I don't know if I can do this. This is a huge responsibility and I'm scared I won't be able to do it. I miss you, I wish you were here to help me with him. I need you, Tin." I just stood there hugging that urn and crying for a bit. The dog was lying at my feet staring up at me the whole time! I don't know what he wants and he doesn't know what I want - it's really tough on me.

My sister posted something about a female hunting group this morning on FB, they're having an Open Range event at a nearby gun club - Ummm, I am not comfortable with guns, I never was even when I took my gun course and after what my husband did, I refuse to ever be comfortable around the killing machines ever again! If she even suggests going there I'm going to freak out. Why can't anyone just accept that my husband shot himself and it's actually OKAY for me to be afraid of the things now!? This is not a "trigger" that I have to confront and overcome. This is the most horrific memory of my life and one I'd just like to avoid.

I feel constant pressure in my throat. I want to just scream and cry hysterically but I have an already anxious dog sleeping in front of me. He doesn't need to see me "weak" when I'm trying to establish myself as dominant. There's one thing I've not been good at since I developed PTSD, I'm not a pack leader anymore so this is just tough on me. My husband was pack leader, I don't know how to do it. The dog and I walked a little this afternoon, it was hot, he obviously realized his mistake in wanting to go out so halfway back to the house he just stopped walking and stood there staring at someone else's house. I gave commands. I tugged the leash. I grabbed his collar and pulled him, he just got more stubborn and stood his ground. In the end I had to walk 5 feet, kneel down to coax him to me and do this the rest of the way to our driveway - it was exhausting!

I could really use my husband right now. I can't believe he's dead. It just hurts to think of that reality. I just want to turn back time and save him from the fate that befell him. I want him to come walking down the stairs, sit here on the couch with me and just be with one another like we always were - even if I felt ignored. I miss him so much today. I miss him so so much today. I'm so tired. I need someone to reassure me that I'm going to be okay. I still needed him. :(

 

[DBEST]

Please go talk to someone they can help you. I am so sorry I understand how hard dealing with suicide is

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Every thing is going to be allright. You are going to be all right. This is a fact. It just takes a long time to heal from the loss of your soul mate in this situation.

I think that the dog will settle down eventually once he gets your routine. He is like a little abused kid, and is waiting to be led. You can do this.:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

 

[NarcSis]

I had a meltdown on the phone with my sister today. I was crying about how I can't do this and how hard it is on me and how triggered I am trying to deal with this dog. No one ever believed me when i used to say that I am no longer good with "added responsibility", everyone, my therapist included always said, "You'll never know until you try." Well, I've been trying and it is trying! I just want to throw myself on the floor and cry. It is like having a kid...a kid who challenges your every wish...and I can't just scream at him like I want so badly to do.

I can't leave the house. I feel trapped. I'd love more than anything to just pack up and go to the park but he can't come with me and I would worry constantly about him if I left him alone. He's an anxious dog and he should not be left alone - he's been left alone so many times this poor dog's separation anxiety is insane. I went out for 10 minutes and he's on my heels almost constantly when I get back in.

I need my hubby. I just need him so much. I emailed my therapist and told her that I was "fine" because I didn't want to talk to her too soon. I don't want this dog to see me when I'm a mess and when I talk to her, I'm going to be a mess. She thinks I'm upset over the money, just like everyone else but nope, it was the six month anniversary and I did not need to be reminded of the gory details (which I didn't even hear/read) of how he died. I think that coroner's report is a finality. Up until that point, he was just imaginary dead, off somewhere enjoying his life on some adventure and he'd eventually just walk back into my life. Now there is a doctor's report that says how he died, what his injuries were and how long he was dead before he was found. It's like a dagger in my heart. All of my hope just died that day the insurance lady called.

Can you believe that I have his ashes - HIS ASHES! - in the other room and I still held out hope that this was all some elaborate fabrication!? I prayed and prayed and prayed that this was all still some mistake - there was a funeral, a body, a bill, an urn and ashes and I still could not fully accept his death. I am not willing to let go of him and having this dog just reinforces that he's not here. I have a dog BECAUSE he's not here. We can't ever share the dog. I have a dog because I don't want to be lonely anymore. I have a dog to try to reduce the pain I feel but he's overwhelming my PTSD! I can't win this can I?

All I want is peace in my life. All I want is for my life to take some shape and just ease off. I just want to live out the rest of my days in peace.

I was crying today because I don't have central air and Angus was in the livingroom panting and he wouldn't drink water and he wouldn't take ice and I was beside myself with worry because I know how quickly some dogs go into renal failure and just die without warning. My PTSD is flipping out over being responsible for his life. My sister says, "Don't think like that." Ummm, can't help it. I was a medic. I've seen it happen in people and i know dogs are more fragile. Grrrrrr. I just want some peace in my life.

Tin, why did you leave me to do all this on my own???