My husband died today

[scout86]

A dog who is thirsty and has access to water will drink. Trust me on that! You might have a problem with a sick dog, but this dog will drink when he's thirsty. Dogs don't expect much from us, really. Food, water, and love. On the car sickness, talk to your vet. The same drugs that treat motion sickness in people, the over the counter stuff, might work. Don't worry that you have to rearrange your life for him. He will learn to adjust to you, as long as his basic needs are met. And don't worry about putting on a front for him. He can know that you're sad. I suppose getting to wild might scare him, until he learns he's safe with you, but they are pretty resilient creatures.

What kind of dog is he? You mentioned, I think that he was a rescue? Do you know anything about his background?

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I think that a really good idea would be for you to find @City Slicker thread about finding rescue dog and it would give you some hope and guidance. I think it is called Found by a rescue dog who initially had been very abused and how she was able to help heal her dog Hank.

I am glad you named your dog and as for me, I had a dog named Mysty who had seperation anxiety and was the best dog I ever had. She was always near me and her presence comforted me.

The way I see it is that you are in the midst of deep mourning and it is stressful for you to be responsible for another life, but I encourage you to hang onto him and let things develop naturally as they unfold.

It will be okay, and you will be okay. Please be patient with yourself as you continue to go through your grieving process.

 

[City Slicker]

@Medic72
I hear how overwhelmed you are feeling right now. If there's anything I can tell you that might help from my experience so far with Hank I would be honoured.

I don't know too much about Angus' history but one thing I do with Hank is, I have a bandana I keep in the fridge in a jar of water. When it's really hot I tie the bandanna loosely around his neck and sit in the room with him and read etc.

It cools him and seems to calm him when he's restless. When I leave I make sure to take the bandanna off so it doesn't get caught in anything. Some dogs might not like that depending on what's happened to them in the past. I also am looking into a cooling blanket for Hank so he can be more comfortable in the heat.

Dogs adapt exceptionally well - much better than we do.

 

[NarcSis]

@scout86 @City Slicker Angus is a rescue, he's a beagle mix and looks very beagle but his stance looks terrier or bulldog, he definitely has a beagle temperament, he was taken from a hoarding situation is all I was told but whether it was animal or material hoarding I don't know. He's been passed through a lot of fosters in the last month, so I don't think he expects to stay, hence the depressed worried look when I put him in the car today.

I desensitized him to the car. We sat together in it. I gave him lots of praise and reassurance. I opened all the windows. I had the ac on high. I backed down the driveway. I left him for a minute then came back and I drove for 5 minutes to a nearby trail. He flat out refused to go into the woods, so I let him sniff around for a bit encouraging his natural instincts (a weird guy stopped to talk to us, I was a bit creeped out by it) and I brought him home. No Vomitting!

I'm teaching him to search the house for treats. He's very smart, after two sessions already knows what SEARCH means. I've taught him several new words already - EASY for the stairs because he went too fast and came falling down them once already; BABY for the stuffed puppy I bought for him, BONE for his chew toy. He picks things up so fast but we're still having trouble with walks. Walks is what scares me. He stopped in the middle of crossing the street today and refused to move, when I saw a car coming had to grab his collar and force him to walk off the road. Then I placed him by my side and said STAY. He didn't seem to resent me for it, like he does when I make him get off the couch and he was fine crossing after that.

The dog has PTSD; he startles at loud noises and sudden movements, he has nightmares, he is very afraid of black things (garage doors, darkly sealed driveways, cars), he's just not comfortable walking far from the house and the doorbell almost erased all of our trust work today. It's very trying on me but I can't give up, he needs me.

Once he trusts me more I'm going to introduce him to my hubby's scent and play Search the house with his boot. He's really good at finding treats I've hidden. Hubby would have loved that, he always wanted a search dog.

I cried on hubbys shirt last night and suddenly his scent was so strong. I can smell the dog but this was definitely my hubby I was smelling. I just hugged his shirt and told him how upset and afraid I was. We used to have a code phrase for my having a trigger "I need hugs" if I said I need hugs he knew I was feeling triggered and he'd go into active calming mode. I've been triggered almost constantly since I got the dog so last night I whispered through my tears, "I need hugs" that's when his scent became so strong on his shirt. He was with me.

I wished he was actually here. It's unfair that this is all I get for the rest of my life, just a "virtual" visit. Why can't he just transform and hold me when I need it? I could really use his touch. His smile. His eyes beaming at me.

My nephew commented on my FB post today, "Aww don't be sad auntie, you have Angus now, soon you two will be inseparable like you and uncle." I almost cried. He's not a replacement, he'll never be what my husband was, I will still grieve, the dog won't prevent or cure that.

I will always miss my husband and I will never fully heal from how he died. That's what I carry with me the rest of my days on earth; that's the scar that will keep ripping open.

I could use his hugs and his reassurance that I'm doing okay. I miss him every minute.

 

[Sighs]

I'm sure your nephew meant well but sheessh! Sometimes people say the MOST dumb arse things! Of course Angus can't replace Tin. No-one will ever replace Tin. Angus will be Angus and you and he will form a close relationship. But he's not Tin.

Hugs to you Medic.

 

[City Slicker]

Thank you @Medic72 for sharing the details of how Angus came into your life and what you experienced with your husband's scent. Angus sounds beautiful.

I think you are doing an awesome job with Angus. Yes, he needs you. Thank you for doing so much for this little guy and for all those 'small' things you are doing for him that are actually pretty huge things.

I know that dogs need their alpha. Just like when we were little, we would have needed a 'parent' who was strong, firm, fair, loving, consistent, understanding.... And when we didn't have that we could settle for 'good enough' (if it was good enough)

Dogs are similar - so it makes sense that when Angus was possibly 'triggered' crossing the road, he would appreciate your clarity and leadership when you told him to stay beside you.

Hank is very activated when he sees dogs approaching us off leash. He will also stop in the middle of the street while cars are coming if he sees an off leash dog approaching us. One of my hobbies is body building but this boy can still pull me off my feet when I least expect it and this is usually when cars are coming and off-leash dogs are approaching.

To help me with that I got a body harness for Hank. It has a place where I can attach the leash to both his collar and his harness or choose just his collar or just his harness. Now when I take Hank out for walks, I clip the leash to his harness. Just that change has made it easier for me to actually drag Hank out of traffic if I had to in an emergency and it can't slip off over his head. I haven't used it in oncoming traffic but I have had to use it on the city streets twice and both times it was a blessing as it allowed me to move Hank's entire body quickly.

At first I didn't want to cry in front of Hank. And then after reading responses here and studying, I realized it was ok to cry in front of him. But when I was crying I had to figure out a way to let Hank know he didn't need to do anything and he was safe. Mostly I was crying because of how vulnerable he was and how in many ways he reminded me of that vulnerable child I was.

All I needed to do was to touch him gently and then move away from him so he knew this wasn't anything he needed to look after. It has taken a while and now I see how far we have come.

There were times initially with Hank I found myself thinking about the people I had lost in my life and under horrible circumstances. I came to believe that grief and loss and 'birth' (birth through rescuing a dog) are hugely intertwined.

Just like you mentioned, quitting on the boy wasn't an option for me although I knew it was, it really wasn't ... I knew I needed to take the best care of Hank and that meant taking the best care of me so that I could fulfill my promise to him.

You are doing such a fabulous job. If it helps to know, I am sending you a huge emotional hug right now.

 

[scout86]

Angus sounds wonderful! I'm impressed at all you've been able to teach him in such a short time.

I also have a rescue dog. The tribal police caught him running loose on a reservation near here earlier this year. They think he was about 6 months old when I got him, back in Feb, and that he'd probably never belonged to anyone, just run loose his whole life. He also has some "PTSD ish" traits. He was terrified of my car to start out with. Turned into a canine pancake when I tried to get him in the car. It took a few days, but now he likes the car. There are some things that seem to have a different meaning to him than they do to most people. We took a "canine good citizen" class" back in June. The woman who teaches it uses clicker training. My dog was terrified of the clicker. :( He also get afraid when you call him for some reason. Kind of a big problem! I can't let him off the leash outside. Yet anyway. But, he's making progress. There are a few other things he has odd reactions to as well, but we don't really know much about his early life either.

It sounds like you and Angus are making progress anyway, and that's what counts. I'm glad The way I look at it, none of those very special bonds we make can ever replace another. Not exactly. But, what ever good spirits we bring into our lives, come with gifts. Sometimes those gifts are similar. My veterinarian set me up with this new dog because I'd lost my old Bulldog to cancer back in Jan. She knew how attached I'd been to Winnie and how much I was going to miss her. Chip is nothing like Winnie, But he helps fill a hole in my life. (And he needed a home.) Angus can, in no way, replace Tinny. But he can bring some companionship that you've been lacking, as well as his own brand of devotion. Dogs don't judge, they accept us as we are with no questions. There are similarities to human relationships, bit differences was well.. I hope, in time, you feel less alone. You'll have someone on your side, without question, even if it's just a dog.

I think you'll be surprised to find, in a few weeks, how Angus has fit into your life and no longer seems like a problem or a source of stress. :hug:

 

[NarcSis]

My sister is visiting for a week. I've had to take some deep breaths, especially when she said, "I wasn't sure if you wanted me here, I stress you out." Ummm!? When have I ever said that to her - true - but I've never said that to her! Arrgh, it just reminded me of the types of things my husband was saying in those last few months, mind reading statements. Making assumptions about how I was feeling..."I didn't want to X because you're mad." I wasn't mad, I was just sitting reading quietly!!!! He was the one who had something bothering him!!! Just such a trigger.

The dog is improving and by that I mean I think I've created a monster! He's like a puppy now, tonight he was so damned proud of himself for going pee he took off like a rocket around the backyard! He ran in circles then ran to the door wanting to be let in. I opened the door and he took off like a rocket through the house running in circles, tearing up the stairs, running up and down the hallway, hopping in the air! I grabbed him and he flipped over and we wrestled around, I'd never seen that much energy from a dog his age ever. I couldn't help but laugh, he was just such a silly boy! Of course, it took quite a while to settle him again. I'm now afraid of what I'm getting into for different reasons. He was like adhd dog!

I could just imagine my husband running around playing with this dog. Then I got sad realizing he'll never know this dog. He won't be a part of our life.

The dog tried to jump on the bed last night on Tinnys side, I put my arm up instinctively to protect his shirt/blanket and I frightened the dog. He tried again tonight and I said NO! So he laid on the floor on that side staring sadly up at me. Suddenly he just got up and went straight to his own bed, the first thing in my mind was, "Tin just told him to go lay down." I felt teary after that.

Maybe hubby has met him. Maybe he's still here.

I wish.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am so happy for you and Angus and know that you are still in deep mourning over the loss of your husband. But in a way it seems to me that in your own way you are sharing Angus with your husband. You sound like a very good pet owner and I think that the rewards of this relationship will really be such a huge source of comfort for you.:hug::hug:

 

[NarcSis]

I burst into tears over dinner today. Sometimes everything just gets so overwhelming and it's not because my sisters here, it's not just the dog and it's not just because Martin is dead; it's everything. It's life. It's all just more than I can take sometimes.

In that instant I realized just how exhausted I really was. My life went from caring for me and putting me first to the hell with me there's a dog I've got to care for now. I'm tired. I don't get me time anymore.

I wake up earlier to take him on walks. I am almost tied to this house because I'm afraid to leave him and he can't come with me..yet anyway. So far I've got him used to 5 minute drives. Tomorrow we may try a 15 minute drive. I can't just pack up and go like I had been doing before the dog. It's not the dogs fault he came from a bad situation, he's just a lot more work than I'd anticipated. It's a Big change.

I'm tired. I still have PTSD, it didn't suddenly disappear when my husband died. I still have emotional limitations...and I'm still grieving. Some days are still worse than others and I can't keep pretending they're not. Everyone says don't be afraid to cry in front of the dog, well after my sister volunteered to do clean up and I laid on the couch crying, the dog came over, looked at me, backed away, gave me a fearful look and laid down facing away from me and pushing his face under the coffee table to hide. I'm no behavioral expert but he was very uncomfortable with my being upset and he didn't know how to handle it.

I can't do that to him.

I miss my husband. I could have used a hug today. Our anniversary is coming up in two weeks, do I treat it like a regular day? Do I do something special? Do I just curl up and be a burrito for the day?

I've never spent an anniversary alone. He always took the day off work. We always went to dinner. We were always together on that day. We didn't make 12 years as a married couple!! We didn't get our happily ever after! My brother celebrated 27 years of marriage today - he married his wife because he got her pregnant! Why do they get a happily ever after & I don't?

Was that my mistake? I didn't accidentally bear children so our life together was pointless in the grander scheme of the universe? Why did my husband have to kill himself? I could think of a handful of other paramedics who that fate would have better suited - why him? Why not them?

What goes through your mind when you're sitting in your car with a shotgun!? What was he thinking!?

I'm NOT "better off without him", in fact, my life is going to hurt until the day I take my last breath....when will that be? Even if it's tomorrow it's still an eternity without him.

Tin, why did you leave me here!? :(

 

[Deleted member 12723]

:hug:

 

[Chincho]

@Medic72, sending you gentle :hug: if that's okay.