Im so sorry, I send my love xxxxxxxxxxx
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My husband died today
- Post starter NarcSis
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D
Deleted member 37085
Saying prayers for you @Medic72 and I think of you often here in KY. Loving Thoughts. JJ
- Post starter
- #1,119
I'm feeling the pain again but they're more like grief attacks; brief episodes of intense pain and sadness where I end up loudly crying.
I went to the basement today to look for some scrap leather I had there. I was glancing around, looked at the area where he'd moved the fan that morning and was just overcome with grief. I was standing in my basement just howling and screaming, "You didn't have to die! You know? you didn't have to die!"
I must've cried hysterically for about 5 minutes or so and then miraculously it was gone.
It was very much like my drive home the other day, I burst into tears, cried for a couple of minutes, felt sorrow and then poof, I crossed into home territory and it was gone.
I almost had it happen again while I was treating myself to a fast food lunch. The place was busy, I was in cue and I started to get super nervous. As I got closer to the counter my eyes kept watering and I had to choke back sobs by pretending I was clearing my throat. I cried when I got back into my car - it was a restaurant hubby and I had gone to in the weeks before he died.
I also had a man in an oncoming vehicle making a left turn in front of me do a double-take as he passed. For a split second I thought it was him but then realized how stupid a thought it was. I was sad and disappointed after that.
My dog and I were watching a movie, in it was an Elvis song hubby sang to me once - he loved Elvis - I was suddenly shaking and bawling my eyes out curled in a ball on the couch. It lasted two or three minutes then poof, all better.
Sometimes it feels like I swing from drowning in emotion to being completely numb just like that.
My sister is coming to visit again tomorrow. We're going to my nieces basketball game on Saturday. I'm hoping the numb sticks around until she's gone. I don't like crying "in public", especially around a Shusher. I'm also hoping none of these kids get hurt at the game otherwise there'll be a spectator losing it over some kid she doesn't even know.
I was talking to him today, telling him I wish he didn't have to go, wishing he could just come back then saying I hoped he could stay with me forever if he's here. There were no signs but he has to be near me. I don't think he could ever truly leave me. We loved each other.
I went to the basement today to look for some scrap leather I had there. I was glancing around, looked at the area where he'd moved the fan that morning and was just overcome with grief. I was standing in my basement just howling and screaming, "You didn't have to die! You know? you didn't have to die!"
I must've cried hysterically for about 5 minutes or so and then miraculously it was gone.
It was very much like my drive home the other day, I burst into tears, cried for a couple of minutes, felt sorrow and then poof, I crossed into home territory and it was gone.
I almost had it happen again while I was treating myself to a fast food lunch. The place was busy, I was in cue and I started to get super nervous. As I got closer to the counter my eyes kept watering and I had to choke back sobs by pretending I was clearing my throat. I cried when I got back into my car - it was a restaurant hubby and I had gone to in the weeks before he died.
I also had a man in an oncoming vehicle making a left turn in front of me do a double-take as he passed. For a split second I thought it was him but then realized how stupid a thought it was. I was sad and disappointed after that.
My dog and I were watching a movie, in it was an Elvis song hubby sang to me once - he loved Elvis - I was suddenly shaking and bawling my eyes out curled in a ball on the couch. It lasted two or three minutes then poof, all better.
Sometimes it feels like I swing from drowning in emotion to being completely numb just like that.
My sister is coming to visit again tomorrow. We're going to my nieces basketball game on Saturday. I'm hoping the numb sticks around until she's gone. I don't like crying "in public", especially around a Shusher. I'm also hoping none of these kids get hurt at the game otherwise there'll be a spectator losing it over some kid she doesn't even know.
I was talking to him today, telling him I wish he didn't have to go, wishing he could just come back then saying I hoped he could stay with me forever if he's here. There were no signs but he has to be near me. I don't think he could ever truly leave me. We loved each other.
D
Deleted member 37085
Praying @Medic72 that your sister's visit lifts your spirits. and I am continuing to pray for your grieving over the loss of your beloved husband, Tin. (hugs). JJ
- Post starter
- #1,121
He's been on my mind a lot today. Every little thing, how he never finished the dishes when he'd wash, always left the cutlery. How he and I used to have snowball fights; how we used to love walking hand in hand, how I wish so badly I could tell him about a show he would've loved on Netflix.
My sister is good company but her agenda always wins out - she lost a coworker the other day to a heart attack, so of course, I'm talking about my hubby and getting sad so she immediately shifts focus to her loss. I hate to say it but I wasn't connected to her loss in any way, it just makes me feel like mine is such old news.
I miss my hubby. I miss his love. I miss his arms around me. I miss how he made the world a less scary place for me.
I was talking today about me a year ago; I was not sleeping, I was afraid of the dark, I was experiencing repeated unexpected nose bleeds, headaches and stomach aches. I thought I was going to die, not by my own doing but it felt like my body was giving up on life.
I don't know how I'm still here. I can't imagine life without my dog in it now. I'm sorry hubby didn't get to meet him. He would have loved him like a son.
We loved each other. He still killed himself. I still suffer because of it. I needed him. :(
My sister is good company but her agenda always wins out - she lost a coworker the other day to a heart attack, so of course, I'm talking about my hubby and getting sad so she immediately shifts focus to her loss. I hate to say it but I wasn't connected to her loss in any way, it just makes me feel like mine is such old news.
I miss my hubby. I miss his love. I miss his arms around me. I miss how he made the world a less scary place for me.
I was talking today about me a year ago; I was not sleeping, I was afraid of the dark, I was experiencing repeated unexpected nose bleeds, headaches and stomach aches. I thought I was going to die, not by my own doing but it felt like my body was giving up on life.
I don't know how I'm still here. I can't imagine life without my dog in it now. I'm sorry hubby didn't get to meet him. He would have loved him like a son.
We loved each other. He still killed himself. I still suffer because of it. I needed him. :(
AngelKeeperJ
Sponsor
((( :hug: )))
Medic I am so sorry. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I am so glad that you are able to have all the fond memories of him, and it sounds as though he was really comforting for you. When my sister died last year, I discovered the containers of cards and daily letters that he wrote her...I know how much he loved her and he showed it in every way....but the letters and cards were beyond my imagination. I have never experienced the kind of love and support that my sister had, and you have had...to loose it has to be incredibly painful. (((hugs)))
- Post starter
- #1,124
My sister left today. I thought I was okay with it because she was starting to get on my nerves but now I'm sitting here afraid to go to bed, afraid to be alone and saying to my empty house, "Tin, please be here. Please protect me."
It's a trigger isn't it? Every time she leaves here I have to go through "a loss" all over again. It's a reminder of precisely how alone I really am now that he's dead...it's a constant reminder to his death.
All year I couldn't put my finger on why exactly I was always so afraid after she'd leave but at the same time so relieved. Relieved because we're oil and water, if we're around each other for too long one wants to overtake the other and we just butt heads but afraid because I'm going through an endless sense of loss. Even with the dog here I still feel the fear.
The dog is great, don't get me wrong. I love that he's now cautiously wanting to cuddle up with me on the floor but he's not human, his presence feels different...not as "thick"??? I don't know how to describe the sense of animal vs. human, it's not as large as the other.
He's way cuter, I'll give him that.
Today I woke up early, made heart shaped Valentine's cupcakes and a heart shaped cake for my sister and I, but mostly for her. It's a lot for me to do, especially since my daily routine now involves letting the dog out and napping for two hours. Today, I got up, made cake/cupcakes, went out in a snowstorm to get icing, made pancakes & bacon for breakfast, took the dog for a walk, washed dishes, decorated the cake, made special zombie cookies for the Walking Dead premiere and was near exhausted all before noon. I was agitated, snappy and short. It was a HUGE difference from my routine - PTSD means routine is important.
I probably could've used some quiet time but I didn't get too. Instead, I got, "Did you take your medication this morning?"
Yes, when her diabetes is out of whack she becomes a monster but the way I was feeling, it had nothing to do with my diabetes. Every nerve was active. I wanted to fall on the floor and just be a puddle. Instead I practically screamed, "You don't get what this is like. My body is overwhelmed. I get overwhelmed so easily. You don't understand!"
There should be no retort - don't poke the bear!!! My sister likes to poke bears. :(
I went to lay on the couch for the first time in 6 hours and then the dog came over and demanded attention by whining.
It was an exhausting day....and now, I'm afraid to go to bed!!
(Tears hair out)
I need a break. I need hubby here to help me feel safe again. He always had my back. :(
It's a trigger isn't it? Every time she leaves here I have to go through "a loss" all over again. It's a reminder of precisely how alone I really am now that he's dead...it's a constant reminder to his death.
All year I couldn't put my finger on why exactly I was always so afraid after she'd leave but at the same time so relieved. Relieved because we're oil and water, if we're around each other for too long one wants to overtake the other and we just butt heads but afraid because I'm going through an endless sense of loss. Even with the dog here I still feel the fear.
The dog is great, don't get me wrong. I love that he's now cautiously wanting to cuddle up with me on the floor but he's not human, his presence feels different...not as "thick"??? I don't know how to describe the sense of animal vs. human, it's not as large as the other.
He's way cuter, I'll give him that.
Today I woke up early, made heart shaped Valentine's cupcakes and a heart shaped cake for my sister and I, but mostly for her. It's a lot for me to do, especially since my daily routine now involves letting the dog out and napping for two hours. Today, I got up, made cake/cupcakes, went out in a snowstorm to get icing, made pancakes & bacon for breakfast, took the dog for a walk, washed dishes, decorated the cake, made special zombie cookies for the Walking Dead premiere and was near exhausted all before noon. I was agitated, snappy and short. It was a HUGE difference from my routine - PTSD means routine is important.
I probably could've used some quiet time but I didn't get too. Instead, I got, "Did you take your medication this morning?"
Yes, when her diabetes is out of whack she becomes a monster but the way I was feeling, it had nothing to do with my diabetes. Every nerve was active. I wanted to fall on the floor and just be a puddle. Instead I practically screamed, "You don't get what this is like. My body is overwhelmed. I get overwhelmed so easily. You don't understand!"
There should be no retort - don't poke the bear!!! My sister likes to poke bears. :(
I went to lay on the couch for the first time in 6 hours and then the dog came over and demanded attention by whining.
It was an exhausting day....and now, I'm afraid to go to bed!!
(Tears hair out)
I need a break. I need hubby here to help me feel safe again. He always had my back. :(
D
Deleted member 37085
@Medic72 So glad your dog is such a good comfort to you; praying for you. JJ
- Post starter
- #1,126
Today was "mommy" and doggy day. Although cold, I took him out for a good long hike into the woods down near the river. In total we hiked at least an hour but while we were out there, I stopped at one point and looked around at the surrounding trees and into the distances - no, I did not see my husband there as I always seem to expect. I don't know if today I decided to let go of that scant ridiculous hope. He's not there in the forest. He's not there by the river. Even if he is, I will never see him. He has no form anymore. He has no impact on this earth.
But I still wish I was the one exception to the rule.
Just as I'm sure every widow wishes she was the one exception, that their love was strong enough to transcend the bounds of death itself. Sigh. It's all magical thinking, delusions built on childhood fairytales and folklore.
Our love still exists. It exists because I'm still alive. I carry it now for the both of us. I carry his pain for him now too. Is it really our lot to suffer in life? I mean, I was writing earlier, just snippets I want to compile into a book some day but I wrote about how, if we're paying in this life for things we'd done in a past life, then I must have been a truly horrible person in another life. My brother died in a car accident. I witnessed another brother running over a 2 year old. I had to listen to my dad dying over the course of 4 months from cancer, he was in so much pain. My mom dies right in front of me and I couldn't do crap to stop it. My husband kills himself...the piece de resistance I guess. Or is there more to come?
I look back on me and my life and I only see a person trying to be good, trying to do good by others, trying to be the best they can be under some pretty trying times - smart but not smart enough, accepted but not fully, constantly at odds with situations for reasons unknown. Why do things always seem to go so badly for me? At this point in life, the most I can hope for is a settlement to my comp case and to die in my sleep. I can't face any more than that. I'm broken. I'm tired and I've had enough. God or whoever you are, just please let me live out the rest of my existence in peace, please.
When we got back from our walk today, I closed the door behind me and thought I heard the chair upstairs, I called out, "Tin, we're hoooome!" and promptly heard my echo. I don't know why I fully expected him to come bounding down the stairs. I keep expecting to have the old happy him back. The one who greeted me with a smile, a kiss, a hug, or jumped up and down when I came around, not the guy who sat on the couch absorbed in a computer never noticing the life that went on around him anymore.
I even went so far as to come upstairs to look for him. Okay, really it was to change out of my sweaty clothes but I checked the rooms, I looked at the bed and tried to wish him into existence there. I just wanted to see him once again, you know? I didn't get to say goodbye to him. I didn't get to take note of the little things like his face, his eyes, his smile, his smell, the feel of him under my hands. I didn't get to appreciate him just one last time. I didn't get to say to him that I loved him.
I love him. I wish he could have believed it. I wish he never once doubted it. He once asked me, "Why do you say that so often?" I said it because I always wanted him to know and I never wanted to have the situation where I never got to say I loved him - it happened anyway.
I wish he could just come home.
But I still wish I was the one exception to the rule.
Just as I'm sure every widow wishes she was the one exception, that their love was strong enough to transcend the bounds of death itself. Sigh. It's all magical thinking, delusions built on childhood fairytales and folklore.
Our love still exists. It exists because I'm still alive. I carry it now for the both of us. I carry his pain for him now too. Is it really our lot to suffer in life? I mean, I was writing earlier, just snippets I want to compile into a book some day but I wrote about how, if we're paying in this life for things we'd done in a past life, then I must have been a truly horrible person in another life. My brother died in a car accident. I witnessed another brother running over a 2 year old. I had to listen to my dad dying over the course of 4 months from cancer, he was in so much pain. My mom dies right in front of me and I couldn't do crap to stop it. My husband kills himself...the piece de resistance I guess. Or is there more to come?
I look back on me and my life and I only see a person trying to be good, trying to do good by others, trying to be the best they can be under some pretty trying times - smart but not smart enough, accepted but not fully, constantly at odds with situations for reasons unknown. Why do things always seem to go so badly for me? At this point in life, the most I can hope for is a settlement to my comp case and to die in my sleep. I can't face any more than that. I'm broken. I'm tired and I've had enough. God or whoever you are, just please let me live out the rest of my existence in peace, please.
When we got back from our walk today, I closed the door behind me and thought I heard the chair upstairs, I called out, "Tin, we're hoooome!" and promptly heard my echo. I don't know why I fully expected him to come bounding down the stairs. I keep expecting to have the old happy him back. The one who greeted me with a smile, a kiss, a hug, or jumped up and down when I came around, not the guy who sat on the couch absorbed in a computer never noticing the life that went on around him anymore.
I even went so far as to come upstairs to look for him. Okay, really it was to change out of my sweaty clothes but I checked the rooms, I looked at the bed and tried to wish him into existence there. I just wanted to see him once again, you know? I didn't get to say goodbye to him. I didn't get to take note of the little things like his face, his eyes, his smile, his smell, the feel of him under my hands. I didn't get to appreciate him just one last time. I didn't get to say to him that I loved him.
I love him. I wish he could have believed it. I wish he never once doubted it. He once asked me, "Why do you say that so often?" I said it because I always wanted him to know and I never wanted to have the situation where I never got to say I loved him - it happened anyway.
I wish he could just come home.
- Post starter
- #1,127
What started out as a happy day to celebrate the love I shared with my husband turned into a sobbing "I needed you" afternoon.
The battery on my vehicle died while I was out getting groceries. I was in the parking lot screaming. There was no one around but a few elderly women - where are the men when you need them!?
I pulled out my phone because my first instinct was to call hubby he'd know what to do - then I wanted to throw the phone through the windshield. I have no one I can even call for help anymore.
I ended up walking to an oil change place but they didn't have a booster pack or cables so I had to BUY a portable booster pack!!! $130!!! I felt like a moron - I have hubby's here at the house! I had cables, here in the garage!
The oil change guy helped boost me but still, that was a lot of money for me to drop on a booster.
I came home and cried helplessly for almost an hour. I needed him and he's not here anymore! I couldn't even call anyone for help, no one I know even lives here!
I felt so alone. I felt so stupid. I needed him so badly.
He's dead. I can't contact him if I wanted too. If my life was on the line, I still couldn't contact him. When I die, he's not going to be there for me. I'll be alone when I die.
I'm alone in this life.
The battery on my vehicle died while I was out getting groceries. I was in the parking lot screaming. There was no one around but a few elderly women - where are the men when you need them!?
I pulled out my phone because my first instinct was to call hubby he'd know what to do - then I wanted to throw the phone through the windshield. I have no one I can even call for help anymore.
I ended up walking to an oil change place but they didn't have a booster pack or cables so I had to BUY a portable booster pack!!! $130!!! I felt like a moron - I have hubby's here at the house! I had cables, here in the garage!
The oil change guy helped boost me but still, that was a lot of money for me to drop on a booster.
I came home and cried helplessly for almost an hour. I needed him and he's not here anymore! I couldn't even call anyone for help, no one I know even lives here!
I felt so alone. I felt so stupid. I needed him so badly.
He's dead. I can't contact him if I wanted too. If my life was on the line, I still couldn't contact him. When I die, he's not going to be there for me. I'll be alone when I die.
I'm alone in this life.
- Post starter
- #1,128
Okay so my husband committed suicide just over a year ago. Another woman I've met online lost her husband to suicide just over a year ago too and she is thinking of starting to date! I mean, I can't even imagine looking at another man at this point and I'm not sure I ever will want to be with another man and here this woman is considering dating!?
Of course, my sister pipes up and says, "Well, I wouldn't stand in your way, you know, if you ever wanted to do that too..." I almost fell off my chair and I said angrily, "Why would I want to date anyone - I wouldn't want to put anyone else through that!" Oddly what I meant was that it would be unfair of me, with the anger/frustration issues of PTSD to even consider subjecting another human being to that kind of unappreciated, scolded like a child existence. Besides, anyone new would never be him, we were too much alike, no one else could ever even come close.
I'm not even done grieving his loss too! I'm not just going to toss him aside like yesterday's meatloaf! He was my husband, my best friend, my only love for 20 years of my life! I'm not ready to even think about betraying the vows I made to him....till death do us part doesn't say consider that a divorce! In my head I'm still married and I will be until my death. Widows are in a weird spot, we never got divorced, it's confusing to try to define who you are after that. Toss in suicide and it takes on a whole new spin - guilt.
I loved him. He still left me. I'm still devoted to him. He's no longer here, but I'm sure he would be if he could chose again. I can't just walk away from that, it wasn't and never will be finished until I die.
I think it's funny that my sister also thinks that I would need her approval. I'm a grown woman who can do as she pleases without supervision or oversight from anyone. If I wanted to date, I sure as heck would not go to her to ask permission, she has no dominion over me. I'm an adult and so is she. Each can do as they please without having to involve the other - I know because I've just lived 20 years of an entire life "away" from her! I also do not need her permission to be friends with the people I want to be friends with either. So not a child anymore - almost going on 50 for crying out loud!!
I'm sure he'd want to come back if he could. I'd hope he'd want to come back to me but again, I still carry blame because of the PTSD. I couldn't support him the way he needed me too anymore. He just slipped away from me. I thought we could get through anything...sure, if we were together but PTSD took that balance away. It made me more dependent upon him to support me and tipped the balance. It put too much on his shoulders.
My sister keeps talking about women being inherently stronger than men and although I'd like to agree with her, that would mean calling my poor hubby weak and judging him. He wasn't any weaker than me or her or anyone in that same situation!
People get lost in their minds - it's a fact! Once you're in that maze of thinking error landmines it's really hard to get back out alive. Some of us don't come back from war.
He wasn't weaker, he was in a moment of weakness; something that can touch everyone. It doesn't mean we're any less because of it. If anything it's the ultimate equalizer.
I miss him so much today. There's no one to talk things out with anymore. No one to curl up with in bed and seek counsel with. No one to tell me I'm doing things right or thinking about something the right/wrong way. There's just my perspective, my jaded opinions and sadness because my trusted one is gone forever.
I still needed him in my life.
Of course, my sister pipes up and says, "Well, I wouldn't stand in your way, you know, if you ever wanted to do that too..." I almost fell off my chair and I said angrily, "Why would I want to date anyone - I wouldn't want to put anyone else through that!" Oddly what I meant was that it would be unfair of me, with the anger/frustration issues of PTSD to even consider subjecting another human being to that kind of unappreciated, scolded like a child existence. Besides, anyone new would never be him, we were too much alike, no one else could ever even come close.
I'm not even done grieving his loss too! I'm not just going to toss him aside like yesterday's meatloaf! He was my husband, my best friend, my only love for 20 years of my life! I'm not ready to even think about betraying the vows I made to him....till death do us part doesn't say consider that a divorce! In my head I'm still married and I will be until my death. Widows are in a weird spot, we never got divorced, it's confusing to try to define who you are after that. Toss in suicide and it takes on a whole new spin - guilt.
I loved him. He still left me. I'm still devoted to him. He's no longer here, but I'm sure he would be if he could chose again. I can't just walk away from that, it wasn't and never will be finished until I die.
I think it's funny that my sister also thinks that I would need her approval. I'm a grown woman who can do as she pleases without supervision or oversight from anyone. If I wanted to date, I sure as heck would not go to her to ask permission, she has no dominion over me. I'm an adult and so is she. Each can do as they please without having to involve the other - I know because I've just lived 20 years of an entire life "away" from her! I also do not need her permission to be friends with the people I want to be friends with either. So not a child anymore - almost going on 50 for crying out loud!!
I'm sure he'd want to come back if he could. I'd hope he'd want to come back to me but again, I still carry blame because of the PTSD. I couldn't support him the way he needed me too anymore. He just slipped away from me. I thought we could get through anything...sure, if we were together but PTSD took that balance away. It made me more dependent upon him to support me and tipped the balance. It put too much on his shoulders.
My sister keeps talking about women being inherently stronger than men and although I'd like to agree with her, that would mean calling my poor hubby weak and judging him. He wasn't any weaker than me or her or anyone in that same situation!
People get lost in their minds - it's a fact! Once you're in that maze of thinking error landmines it's really hard to get back out alive. Some of us don't come back from war.
He wasn't weaker, he was in a moment of weakness; something that can touch everyone. It doesn't mean we're any less because of it. If anything it's the ultimate equalizer.
I miss him so much today. There's no one to talk things out with anymore. No one to curl up with in bed and seek counsel with. No one to tell me I'm doing things right or thinking about something the right/wrong way. There's just my perspective, my jaded opinions and sadness because my trusted one is gone forever.
I still needed him in my life.
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