My husband died today

[Deleted member 37085]

Okay so my husband committed suicide just over a year ago. Another woman I've met online lost her husband...

Medic72, I hope you will allow me to post to you this moment for I so want to tell you that I do care so much for how you are falling apart over the suicide of your so beloved by you husband. Oh, hurting and aching-hearted precious Medic72. I so believe as you just posted that if your husband had been given a do-over after he shot himself, that he would not have pulled that trigger on that gun. He was not able to see his losses after he chose to pull the trigger, only you see them. I am only able to brush lightly to speak further down in the body of this post of my specific experiences on the horrible subject of suicide (attempts) and suicidal ideation.

For so long now, I have been reading your posts and so wanting (crying now) to comfort you any way I can. I never lost a husband or a friend to suicide. No, I have not. Tears streaming down my face now @Medic72. Your pain coming from your posts is for me nearly palpable pain that I can almost feel emanating from you as you post and share about your beloved husband and your lives together prior to his death @Medic72. .

You love this man not loved him, you love him! Continue to grieve at your own pace, and not allow anyone to persuade you otherwise! And what is good and right for one woman (the one you spoke of who also lost her husband to suicide a year ago and is dating) may or may not be what you and any other woman in your position may need, as you expressed. Only you know where you stand in your love and in your grieving for your so missed by you husband. As you know from your background in medicine, we all grieve at a different pace, in a different way, and some women who have been married and have lost their spouse seemingly cannot live alone, and re-marry because of this fact. And some women like yourself for where you are at this moment in time strongly believe and know that no other man would be able to fill your beloved husband's place in your life. Your life @Medic72 is so rich with beautiful and even funny memories that you continue to share with all of us here!

You are struggling without your husband. Being alone after being with him for 20 years or so, that's hard now to be alone without him. Even sitting alone with all of your beautiful memories that you are sharing with us here, you violently at times ache for his presence and companionship, and his love. And when you have been going out into the forest in the clearing of the meadow and envisioning seeing him only for a moment.is your mind trying to wrap itself around this horrific death of your sweetie. You can picture him in the forest in that clearing where he loved to go. Your heart wants to see him so badly and your soul aches for your beloved husband. You are grieving and please do continue to share and grieve. We are all listening, caring, and some of us are crying alongside you, you just can't see us or touch us. Can you sense us? For we are here Medic72. We are here.

Briefly, I will touch on the subject of my near successful tries at ending my life; but only briefly so as not to take away from you, and your post and your pain. After hearing over and over again, following several suicide attempts that - suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem (this was prior to being diagnosed with prolonged complex ptsd and major depressive disorder) @Medic72, I still could not understand why I wanted so desperately to leave? How come I could not and still at times cannot just snap out of it and why do I need help? I had been hanging on by any and all means, and life for me was Hell on earth! What was wrong with me? Now, again this was before I was correctly diagnosed in March, 2012. After corrected diagnosis, Medic72 I began to read about pcptsd and mdd and Oh my God! Now I was beginning to get the full picture on why my brain was so screwed up to the point it was telling me over and over and over and over and over again to kill myself, and my brain had lied to me! For I do not want to die, and I do not believe your husband wanted to either. Ptsd pain is agony and HELL and makes living HELL!

Then post diagnoses, and the more reading I did on subject of ptsd (and I have prolonged complex ptsd and major depressive disorder) the pieces of my puzzle of why my brain wanted me dead, began to make perfect sense to me. Crazy sense, but still perfect sense after what I had been put through in my past history. You see, as you already know @Medic72, I did NOT want to die, nor to kill myself, I simply wanted (as you already know) my agonizing extreme mental and emotional anguishing pain to STOP! I was not crazy! The multiple events which caused the pcptsd was crazy and cruel and hideous. I was not insane. And I surviving some days moment to moment with traumatic events and pcptsd and mdd and I am grateful some moments to be here, and I will not lie here to you - and some moments my brain lies to me over and over and tells me that I want out of here! Period, so my magical whacked out mind tells me lies, lies, lies. I am intelligent yet my trauma has changed my brain to where it lies to me and tells me it's time to go. Bullsh**! As horrible as the pain gets at times, I tell my brain to take a long walk off a short ocean dock! And when I can't do that, I come here. I also come here to support beloved people who support other beloved people. A circle of love. Oh yes, indeed. A circle of love!

This moment, I will not act on my brain's impulses that tell me to kill myself. NO! Am I stronger than your husband? No! Emphatically, NO! I found this community we are in right now and it was not by mistake, that is all I will say about my spiritual background. I am unable to do this alone - this meaning survive with these horrible illnesses without such battle buddies as I now have here (crying now AGAIN!) in this forum! There are men and women here like yourself that are walking through fire, We are a community of givers and receivers of love, truth, and our mutually shared traumatic experiences. We are surviving together as a community! I am also struggling (surviving too) in emdr therapy and this is HELL. I will for this moment not give in I will not give up. I live alone. No dog no cat. No lover, no husband. Just me alone with my prayers. I do have a really super good friend that when I need her (she has a huge family and has been married 50+ years and lots of grandchildren, and plenty of life experiences (like yourself) for me to learn and draw upon. I am not alone, and neither are you. I have lost so many people that I loved (one recently) and time changes things. You know this to be true. You have only been grieving for a year, and losing the love of your life is probably the most difficult thing to have to experience outside of the loss of a child. So @Medic72 continue to love and grieve over the excruciating pain-filled loss of your beloved husband. We are here. We are listening. And we care about you, and you, as you have heard so many times before - ARE NOT ALONE! With great sadness over the loss of your precious husband, I am here. JJ

 

[ms spock]

:hug: @Medic72

 

[NarcSis]

@JadesJewel, thank you for your kind words and sharing with me your struggles. I know those struggles well too, no one ever truly wants to die, we just don't know how to live anymore. I was trying in those final weeks to make him feel life again. I didn't know how. I could see him disconnecting more every day. I couldn't make him feel it enough to save him.

I bought a book about grieving the loss of a soulmate yesterday. It's a cheesy concept that I was skeptical of but as I read it I found myself identifying with so many of the qualities of "soulmate love" and it's loss. The profound grief I'm experiencing, there's just no other way to capture it fully - our souls were intertwined, connected by a love so beyond both of us. Anything that reminds me of his death sends me shaking and rocking and just torn at the very core of my being. I've never felt anything like this in my life. It's completely frightening and I worry about having a heart attack some nights.

The week after he died I was so afraid that I'd be next that I went into overdrive survival mode, I started doing exercises in the shower every morning because I could practically feel death breathing down my neck. I needed to stay alive. I needed to survive.

Here I am a year later, still struggling to survive this on a whole other level. My emotions still rise up and threaten to take my life from me. The well is so deep it's frightening.

I went to the movies tonight with my sister and nieces, in one scene a gunshot rang out defeaningly loud. I was immediately reminded of the day he died. I started to shift uncomfortably in my seat, I stopped breathing, tears started pouring out of my eyes and I just felt like I needed to run out of there. I forced myself to stay but it was a massive struggle.

I came home and all I wanted was to come to bed and melt in hubby's arms. :(

In the book I'm reading the author describes his patients who are experiencing the profound grief he calls soulmate grief, as imagining their loved one still alive somewhere in the world. They're grief is so intense they concoct denial stories or are stuck in a search phase seeking out their loved one in crowds, on trips, in strangers faces. It's apparently not a common belief by all bereaved that their loved one is still alive, only a select few, hence the reason he called the distinction "soulmate grief".

I do that! Still, a year later I still can't get my mind and heart on the same page to truly accept him as dead. I imagine it was a coverup for a witness protection thing - even though I saw him in his casket and I touched his cold finger, my mind explains all that conveniently away. The author says these ideas are very common in "soulmate " loss.

We finished each other's sentences. We touched several times every day. We texted when we were away from one another. We went and did everything together and we isolated because there were no other people we could connect with as strongly as we did with each other. He was my best friend. My confidante. My only trusted one. The love of my life.

I lost that. It was all just suddenly ripped away. My loss may appear to be singular but it's not, I also lost all of that, everything that defined who I was in life. I was in a partnership that no longer exists.

I miss him so intensely. I wish I could just hold him.

 

[Deleted member 37085]

@Medic72 your hubby's passing was not your fault. No. You could not save him. He could not save himself. He chose to leave. He chose. Not you. You did not choose. Free will. Hubby had free will and chose to leave. And the pain was so unbearable within him that he could not bear one more second of pain. His pain that he felt so intensely that not even your love could save him. Nothing could save him but himself. I speak from my past. I pray this is not too much for you to hear Medic72. I understand this type of pain, that your husband was experiencing when he chose to leave everything behind. I all to well know this time of emptiness, darkness, blackness, hopelessness, utter despair and no way out suffocating pain. I understand your hubby's decision Medic72. And you, since he chose to give up on himself and leave, have been dealing with insurmountable and nearly unbearable grief. Why and who could do such a thing? I tried so many times, I just could not complete. Does not take away the mindblowing fact that I hurt so badly that I could not stand another second here. Or so I thought at each moment in time when I attempted suicide. I wanted the pain to stop. For it to stop. I did not want to die I wanted pain to end. And it wouldn't, and it still hasn't, I am learning coping skills now. That's the difference in me then, and me now. Still have S/I. Coping skills on board and this wonderful forum full of people like me. Oh my gosh, I am the lucky one! To be a member of this forum! Oh, it is saving so many lives each day! Medic72.

The many times I had attempted suicide and there was one time I nearly succeeded when I slit both wrists, while on phone with dad (slit left wrist) then on phone with guy I was dating a well-respected dentist who had a serious drinking problem (slit the right wrist). Medic72, I had already drank nearly an entire bottle of Very Old Barton bourbon and had already ingested quite a number of blue valium, had smoked an unknown quantity of weed (was too blasted to remember), and was bleeding out and unconscious when paramedics knocked door down with axe because dad and boyfriend had called them (which I paid $350+ to have door replaced). And no one made this decision to do what I did but me! Only me. I did this. Free will. And it has been very difficult taking full responsibility looking back on all the innocent people I hurt who have distanced themselves from me because of these free will choices that only I made. During one suicide attempt while en route to hospital this paramedic/firefighter became so angry with me for almost succeeding in taking my life, (don't remember if it was a male or female) this person said something to the effect is that we are out here trying our damnedest to save lives and you're out here trying your damndest to end yours! Don't you have any idea how precious life is? And I will never forget that paramedic. Never.

And at the time this was said to me, I was dead inside Medic72 dead. I was breathing, yet not living. I was done, had no more fight in me (at that moment in time). I was so beyond anyone's reach to pull me back from blackness and wanting to die. Am I making sense to you? I care about you. I know about suicide attempts. I could write a short story book about this subject. Don't want to. While volunteering in hospital emergency room for 7 yrs. down the street, a young man in corporate attire was brought by ambulance into our e.r. with slit wrists, and I was able to show him mine (wrists) and talk with him and he said I helped him. You have your story and now have the ability here and anywhere to help so many women who have also lost their husbands to suicide. There are groups, there are books that need to be written. There are hospitals with suicide attempts almost every day that may need someone who has been where you have been to shine a light in - on a dark place. Just sharin' my thoughts. No judgment. Just sharin' and carin' Medic72. I care so much about you and your grief state you are in and you are doing everything right. Grieving is the order of the day. You also through your posts are celebrating all of your fabulous memories too! So many marvelous memories! Grieving and celebrating, grieving and celebrating! Both. You are walking through hell on earth and I am so very proud of you, may I say that? I believe you are so much stronger than you could ever give yourself any credit for being.

I do want to share with you one more time that no one could save me but my own will to live. No one. There's no one for me to blame for me almost succeeding in taking my own life. No one. I live now one day, one minute, one moment at a time now. I am not healed, nor recovered from S/I. I don't talk about it much here, at all. Except now with you because it has it's purpose now to be talked about (my attempts) and that no one could stop me but me. Only I could stop me. No one else.

I scared people who loved me and I scared them so badly, and now most do not want to be around me anymore, and they do not understand and that's another story. The point is I chose and took this route all by myself to repeatedly physically hurt myself so many times Medic72. I hope you understand this. He spent I believe over two decades with you loving you, and also in so much pain outside of his love for you. He loved you when he left. He left the pain that no one could make stop, not himself, so cerftainly not you, as well. No one could stop his pain. I speak from my past. I hope you understand what I'm saying. I care so about you Medic72. With great respect and love, I have shared the above with you. JJ

And you are grieving and there is not time frame nor limit on grieving the loss of someone whom you loved as much as life and time itself precious Medic72. You are hurting and breaking into and still breathing while breaking into. And this is "soulmate grief". I'm hoping this book will help you as you continue to walk through your pain over losing the love of your life. I am praying for you.

 

[NarcSis]

The dog and I went out hiking today, two hours into the woods. We ate lunch at the spot he and I had our last picnic lunch together. The sun was out, I shed my coat, it was a miraculous day and all I could think of was, "I wish you were here for this, this would have made you feel better." I wanted to spend all day there.

My sister is gone home now, I have "me" (and doggy) time. I can cry if I want to. I can bitch about how irritated I get at her little things and no one can judge me.

I thought about something she said that made me angry ("wow, someone's testy, did you not sleep well?") And I think back on it - no I'm not sleeping well, I'm more irritated than normal, ummm I've got the trauma anniversary coming up!! I'm not crazy! I'm not just being a bitch for the sake of being a bitch, I'm triggered!!

Oh and shed also said something about a guy she knows being "f*cked up in the head" and would probably shoot himself because he's suffering from stress!!!! Yeah, no wonder I was bitchy! I'm "f*cked ip in the head" too!!!! Oh yeah, my husband also shot himself, so I guess he was f*cked up in the head too!

It really angers me that I write about stigma and how it needs to stop and people need to think before they speak - meanwhile I'm struggling under it in My Own Family!!! She will just never get it!

I don't like hearing that someone is the "type" who would "blow their head off or something"!!! What f'ing type was My Husband!? You know, the man I LOVED and MARRIED and CARED deeply for and DEDICATED my whole life too!?

She will never know love the way I did; never!

She always has the gall to compare her grief over the loss of our mom or brother or dad to my grief over losing my husband as if I have no right because hers was worse!

I was talking about soulmate loss and she says, "Yeah, well that's how I felt when brother died." It's not the words, it's the tone of voice...defensive, like my grief over the suicide of my husband is no different than any other grief.

As any suicide widow, this grief IS different. I mean, I suffered complicated grief when my mother died but this is still different!

I am always so devalued. I'm made to feel repeatedly like I have no right to my emotions. Hubby wasn't like that except near the end. Hubby always validated and acknowledged how I was feeling. He was such a calm, reasonable and optimistic person.

And he shot himself!???

I'm not alive without him. I'm not me without him. I'm completely vulnerable and seemingly under constant attack.

God, I just need him here with me again. :(

 

[ladee]

I have been reading you for a long while @Medic72.

Most of my post was dropped. So will try again.
I have no idea what you are going thru. I have lost friends to suicide. Not anywhere the same.
My hope for you is..that at least once a day..you tell yourself..."I am incredibly strong". You don't have to believe it..Just say it.
You are putting one foot in front of the other. Every single day.
You are rebuilding your life without Tin.
No one can tell you how to do this. But you have so many present for you.
You are incredibly strong.
I have deep respect for you.
Hope you are able to look back one day..and truly appreciate how strong you are.
Gentle hugs if you accept.

 

[NarcSis]

I dreamed about him last night. He was young and in uniform and he was smiling walking toward me. He didn't get to me, I woke up before he could reach me. I tired to go back to sleep and dream about him again, but it didn't work.

In the grief book I bought they tell you to "dose" your grief, that is, schedule times when you are just going to sit in the grief and feel it for a limited time, they even suggest setting a timer so you know when to pop back out and re-connect with your environment and current reality. I realized as I read it that I'd already been doing that on my own. I know how much it hurt and how scared I was that it was going to completely overtake me and I would have a heart attack or a stroke, so I'd been allowing myself to feel it in sort of metered doses, limiting the length I allowed it to overtake me. It just felt safer to me. There is just something inside of me that knows things. It's always been that way. My therapist said I have such a great grasp of 'the bigger picture' of everything and just such a keen sense about the reality of things. It was how we attacked my exposure therapy before they started calling the method "titrated exposure therapy". My mind and body just knew what it needed on some level.

@ladee, your words made me cry. Maybe one day I will give myself permission to acknowledge my strength but I don't think the time has quite come yet. I still have so much yet to survive in the upcoming years, I'm afraid of being too self assured about it.

I watched a program last night on tv about body language and in it they explained how connected our body is to our mind and that using the body to combat the effects of PTSD is something that they hope will happen soon in the future. For example, teaching people to sit up, open their chest and hold their chin up when they talk about their trauma memory. Essentially the researcher said if your posture is inward and small, your thoughts and reactions will be "inward" and small. You will react with fear and cower. The idea is that if your posture is strong, you will react in with a stronger mind. It seems too simple to me but oddly this was one of the things I repeatedly said in therapy - that I needed to do some kind of confidence building exercises or team building activities where I could re-connect to my pride and confidence. I felt that I was not very confident in myself anymore.

I saw that happening to my husband. He was starting to slouch. He would sit on the couch with his shoulders curled forward, his head low and his chin down. He would shut out the world and retreat into his video games. When we were out, his face was always sad or angry, his eyes looked haunted and dull, and he'd be almost constantly staring into his ipod. I felt more and more alone. It was like our roles were reversing. He was getting weak and I was having to be stronger. There was still some of him in there though. He still laughed and smiled but I also noticed that his topics for conversation were almost always negative now. He talked almost constantly about work, about people screwing up, about managers being stupid, about how dumb his partner was. His facial expression was an almost constant scowl, even when it was in a resting position his forehead was always furrowed, his mouth was pulled downward. Sometimes he'd look at me and his eyes would be completely blank - it looked like no one even lived inside of them anymore.

I was getting scared. When i get scared i get angry. I don't like being afraid. My mom was that way, she would yell at us first before she came over to see what happened if we cried when we were little. When I was growing up, I'd get hurt, I'd cry and I'd get yelled at BEFORE I'd get hugged or stood back up and brushed off. I was like that with him, our whole relationship actually. Every time he got sick, I'd react angrily. I'd start slamming dishes and acting in an agitated manner even though the things I was doing were FOR him, like getting a wet washcloth for his head, or making him a bowl of soup or bringing him water, I would behave like it was such a great inconvenience to me, when I was actually doing things to CARE for him and because I didn't want anything to seriously be wrong with him. I was afraid.

I was always afraid to lose him. It's like my mind somehow knew he would one day be gone and I would be alone. He would get sick or injured and this wall would pop up inside of me that used anger to get through it. I think back on it now and I wonder if he ever felt like I loved him in those times or if he felt he was just an inconvenience to me. I mean, I would try to lay down with him when he was sick and he'd just push me away! So I'd get angrier. I'd shut him out, like a reflex - you shut me out, I'll shut you out.

I did that back to him in the last few months. He was sullen and withdrawn and angry and shutting down, so I reacted the same way. I pulled physically away from him on the couch. I kept to myself. I didn't drone on about the "minutia" of my days - he said that to me once, "you go on and on about the minutia of your day, you can't just get to the point of a conversation." I finally stopped bothering him with the boring details of my days of laundry and tv watching. It was the wrong thing to do but he wouldn't hear me if I spoke to him anyway. Overall, despite the happy times in between, he was essentially gone from me already by the time he shot himself.

I didn't know how to stop it. I didn't know how to pull him back out of his own mind. How do you do that? I think that's what suicide prevention programs need to focus on, recognizing when someone is pulling away and withdrawing into their own head but most importantly how to pull them back out! I couldn't reach him anymore. I couldn't pull him back to me, to life, to being just content with life as it was.

There's not much you can do about life, It's going to go the way it goes. You have to find a way to survive it. You have too. And no matter what we do in life, after we die, all of the physical things we collected, adored and valued all become moot - I never realized the true nature of Things until after he died. In life we become so attached to things but none of them have any true value after we die, they're just "things". And, another reason that we have to be content with the life we have? Because after we die, 90% of the population has not made any significant contribution to the advancement of the human race other than simply living their life as it was. I don't need to be famous. No one needs to be more than they are. My life is going to be fine if I never win a nobel prize or become a doctor, or save another life or write a bestseller. I will be just the same as any other human that lived and died without me ever knowing their name. A vast majority of people die without having their name known to the world. It doesn't mean they were of any less value than others.

My hubby wanted to be more. He wanted to be a superintendent. His whole life he worked hard to be more than he was. At any given moment in his life, he was never good enough for himself. I'm finding that I'm struggling to be good enough for myself now and it's not acceptable to my sister or my family, they keep sending me job postings or suggesting I do something - my sister is now subtly hinting about how she can't understand how "able bodied people" can be sitting around doing nothing. It's not us who make ourselves feel bad, it is actually society that makes us feel bad about ourselves - we're all just good enough. No one is ever going to be exceptional a good majority of the world is just good enough.

I'm good enough. Hubby was good enough. If I never help another person in this life, it will be good enough for me. I don't have to be more than I am.

He didn't need to be a superintendent to be a better person. I loved him the way he was. I loved HIM, the man at the core of all of that swirling chaos that overtook his smiling face. He was still in there, I saw him every day and I tried to get him to come out to play with me but he refused. He got trapped inside that poisoned mind. He was good enough as he was. I loved who he was. I loved the man who loved me and that was enough for this life.

I couldn't love him out of it. He couldn't love me out of PTSD. I couldn't love him out of wanting to die. Love doesn't seem like enough but it should be. It's good enough in life, it has to be.

 

[Deleted member 37085]

@Medic72 You are absolutely 100% correct! You are good enough as you are this moment! I profusely and deeply apologize for suggesting anything in my earlier post that may have caused you to feel further anxiety and stress @Medic72. You are a wonderfully loving woman who is mourning your loss of Tin.

I know that my intentions when posting to you are true blue good solid intentions. I hope I have not caused you to believe that I think or feel you should do anything, more of this or less of that, for my sole reason for coming on this thread and posting to you, was to hug on you, love on you, and show you that I care. And of course, there is no comparison as @ladee shared to losing a friend vs. what you are going through losing your husband, Tin, to suicide. No comparison. Apples and oranges. Caring deeply, JJ

 

[joeylittle]

I didn't know how to pull him back out of his own mind. How do you do that? I think that's what suicide prevention programs need to focus on, recognizing when someone is pulling away and withdrawing into their own head but most importantly how to pull them back out!

I just wanted to say, @Medic72 - I don't think anyone actually knows really how to do this, yet. There are a lot of ideas...but nothing concrete and reliable and permanent. It's not a failing in you, that you did not know how to do more than you were doing. There's a larger failing currently in science/medicine, that they still do not understand all the factors that combine in a person, to create the crisis that ends in suicide. I hope that someday, they will. I know that won't take away any of the pain you still feel, in not being able to stop him, somehow.

Your ability to write so openly about what you are living with, how it shifts, the things you struggle with - it's just beyond brave, and beyond strong. I wouldn't expect you to be able to feel that way, but I want to echo @ladee's post in expressing it anyway.

 

[NarcSis]

I'm struggling to get some rest, it's not working. I was awake until 130 in the morning, awake several times through the night, finally got out of bed at 6am for the dog and now trying to nap.

The dog is currently fast asleep and snoring.

I was trying to imagine my blanket as hubby's arm. I used to curl up against him on the couch during the days I hardly slept and rest my head either on his arm or his leg. It usually made me feel so safe and protected that I'd fall asleep, sometimes for hours. I remember once, he had to wake me up, he was whispering, "Hey sweetie. Medic...sweetie...wake up..." I opened my eyes to look up at him wiping the drool from my cheek and he apologized as he pushed me out of the way, "Sorry, I've needed to pee for over an hour already." I'd slept for almost three whole hours against him!

I just used to feel so safe. He used to make me feel safe. I trusted him implicitly. I was able to let my guard down when he was here. Now when the bouts of insomnia hit, it's so difficult for my brain to trust that I'm safe enough to let me fall asleep during the day. It also doesn't help that my "guard dog" is essentially a marshmallow that doesn't know how to hurt a flea. The worst he'd do is snork in his sleep and frighten someone or accidentally beat them to death with his eagerly wagging tail. I love that little monster.

I held hubby's "hand" / sleeve last night and whispered to him. With my eyes closed I could imagine his face looking back at me and I reached up like I always used too and traced lines around his face. I used to play this game with him sometimes when we were lying there; I'd trace letters on his forehead and make him guess what I'd spelled. Usually it started with I Luv U but he'd always say something silly to pretend he didn't understand it, "I look up? What's that supposed to mean?" And he'd laugh.

He was good at silly, my older little boy. He bought me this tiny stuffed lion once from the zoo and we were lying in bed, I was hugging it when he looked at it, took it from me and made it walk up my chest, talking like Sean Connery! I laughed so hard, I'd wondered what it's face had reminded me of and yep, for some reason that was it, Sean Connery! We were always on the same wavelength in our thinking it was uncanny.

My thoughts are happy about him today but even those happy thoughts have a pang of pain associated with them; an echo of sadness, loss, loneliness and missing what used to be. I miss how he made me feel.

Comforted, safe, happy, joyful, warm inside and just loved. His smile touched my heart. His eyes fascinated me. I always had to touch him, whether it was purposely running my fingers across his face or just allowing my arm to touch his, or my foot subtly against his leg, I was just so drawn to being in physical contact with him. We weren't about sex, we were about intimacy and love; I hate to say it but the sex wasn't earth shattering or anything, sometimes it was kinda frustrating. It wasn't my favorite thing about him, he had issues there but his tenderness outside of the bedroom, his attentive manner, his love of engaging with me...

That's why it was so hard when he started to pull away from me and shut me out; we were always so connected. I suffered too.

I wonder if he thought I was pulling away from him. Sometimes the insomnia was so bad I'd get up and go into the spare room so that he could continue to sleep - we started sleeping apart a lot. He once told me that he didn't mind if I had to wake him or turn on the lights to read, he said he'd rather have me near him but I knew I couldn't do that to him, he had to sleep for work. It wouldn't have been fair to him. He probably would have spiraled downward quicker if I'd deprived him of his sleep.

Sigh gotta go hug my pup, he's being a whiny face.

I miss my hubby.

 

[Deleted member 37085]

@Medic72 for some reason last night did not sleep so well either. Happy thoughts (celebratory) thoughts of your Tin? Sounds like you have been having them? Hope so. Read your above post. So glad you have your pup with whiney face this morning to draw you to your puppy. Yes. I don't want to say anything to hurt you. I want you to know I am reading your posts and continuing to seek out words of comfort to and for you Medic72. I know about pain, and I am drawn to wanting to comfort you in your pain.

So love your sharing your story of Tin getting you your stuffed lion animal and his emulating Sean Connery's voice. So special to you this memory. Love when you share your memories, heartache, all of you @Medic72. Caringly, JJ

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear @Medic72 , have you ever read 'A Grief Observed" by C.S. Lewis. ? He said,

“I once read the sentence 'I lay awake all night with a toothache, thinking about the toothache and about lying awake.' That's true to life. Part of every misery is, so to speak, the misery's shadow or reflection: the fact that you don't merely suffer but have to keep on thinking about the fact that you suffer. I not only live each endless day in grief, but live each day thinking about living each day in grief...

And rightly so:

“Her absence is like the sky, spread over everything.
But no, that is not quite accurate. There is one place where her absence comes locally home to me, and it is a place I can't avoid. I mean my own body. It had such a different importance while it was the body of H.'s lover. Now it's like an empty house.”

..The death of a beloved is an amputation..Getting over it so soon? But the words are ambiguous. To say the patient is getting over it after an operation for appendicitis is one thing; after he’s had his leg off is quite another. After that operation either the wounded stump heals or the man dies. If it heals, the fierce, continuous pain will stop. Presently he’ll get back his strength and be able to stump about on his wooden leg. He has ‘got over it.’ But he will probably have recurrent pains in the stump all his life, and perhaps pretty bad ones; and he will always be a one-legged man. There will be hardly any moment when he forgets it. Bathing, dressing, sitting down and getting up again, even lying in bed, will all be different. His whole way of life will be changed. All sorts of pleasures and activities that he once took for granted will have to be simply written off. Duties too. At present I am learning to get about on crutches. Perhaps I shall presently be given a wooden leg. But I shall never be a biped again.”

But,

“The most precious gift that marriage gave me was the constant impact of something very close and intimate, yet all the time unmistakably other, resistant - in a word, real..

“Slowly, quietly, like snow-flakes—like the small flakes that come when it is going to snow all night
—little flakes of me, my impressions, my selections, are settling down on the image of her. The real shape will be quite hidden in the end.” ..

“Once very near the end I said, 'If you can -- if it is allowed -- come to me when I too am on my death bed.' 'Allowed!' she said. 'Heaven would have a job to hold me; and as for Hell, I'd break it into bits.' "

Be very very very kind to yourself. Tin would want that for you.Xoxoxox :notworthy: :hug::hug::hug: