He's a combat vet and has been out of the Army for about 6 years now. We've been married for nine. We have two daughters, 16 and 5 years old. Our marriage, love, was good, so great, for a long time. And we still have good times, but fewer and fewer over the last few years.
My reaction to his withdrawing have become more and more critical. I didn't realize it at the time. The best I can describe it is like I went from trying to love the guy behind a brick wall in hope it would crack open, to pounding on it hoping to tear it down. And one day he just left. Said we needed to separate and just took off. And all my words and mistakes just flooded over me. I felt like I was drowning in everything I had done "wrong".
Finally I came to a place where I recognized that it wasn't just me, that he had the responsibility to communicate to me how he had been feeling and what his needs were of me. Left alone to guess, I have tried everything from a-z to connect with him... "Respond to my love? No... Sex? No. Joking? No. Coldness? No. Fine, will you react to anger, then?" And react he did, by leaving. And I very quickly realized I had been fighting HIM and not fighting his PTSD WITH him. Core mistake. One I am now trying to remedy by learning everything I can about communication, fair expectations, etc.
He became suicidal after he left and he quit going to work. I helped find a treatment center that he's going to in about a week that is supposed to be really helpful. Fingers crossed. I think right now he's so depressed he can't see any hope for our marriage, where I see this as being a catalyst for a major shift in how we relate and choose to love each other. I've spent a lot of time evaluating my commitment to this man and our marriage, looking at all the good, bad and ugly and asked myself "even if he doesn't change at all, do I still want to be his wife?"
And the answer is a solid YES. Because HE is still in there, broken maybe, feeling smaller than the monster he feels he has become, definitely... But there none the less, is the lighthearted, deeply loving, slightly crass, adventurous, brave goofball that swept me off my feet and opened my heart to life and love and family with a man that I adore. And I love him fiercely. And I'm committed to walking, sometimes wading, through this life with him and his PTSD.
I only can hope and pray he finds it in himself to come back home and give us an honest go, with all the cards on the table. And this is where fear sets in. And frustration. I feel cheated and betrayed by him, even though I recognize it's the PTSD that caused him to not open up about how he was feeling. But now that we've recognized that, I can't help feeling like he OWES it to his family to come home and go about this together, as a whole. In battle, he would never leave his buddy no matter what... So why is he leaving us? That hurts, it hurts so badly. I feel so worthless to him. Day and night, I long to hear him say "I am here, be here with me. We are going to do this together."
And he did say that, a few weeks ago, but then flip flopped and changed his mind. And it crushed me all over again. Then he came over and we had a date night, a great time together and he stayed over and we went as a family to a Veterans Day parade. Then he said he felt like he was using me. Ugh. I just wish he could accept where he's at and know it's okay... But commit to our family and to me to be in it together. I'm so confused.
My reaction to his withdrawing have become more and more critical. I didn't realize it at the time. The best I can describe it is like I went from trying to love the guy behind a brick wall in hope it would crack open, to pounding on it hoping to tear it down. And one day he just left. Said we needed to separate and just took off. And all my words and mistakes just flooded over me. I felt like I was drowning in everything I had done "wrong".
Finally I came to a place where I recognized that it wasn't just me, that he had the responsibility to communicate to me how he had been feeling and what his needs were of me. Left alone to guess, I have tried everything from a-z to connect with him... "Respond to my love? No... Sex? No. Joking? No. Coldness? No. Fine, will you react to anger, then?" And react he did, by leaving. And I very quickly realized I had been fighting HIM and not fighting his PTSD WITH him. Core mistake. One I am now trying to remedy by learning everything I can about communication, fair expectations, etc.
He became suicidal after he left and he quit going to work. I helped find a treatment center that he's going to in about a week that is supposed to be really helpful. Fingers crossed. I think right now he's so depressed he can't see any hope for our marriage, where I see this as being a catalyst for a major shift in how we relate and choose to love each other. I've spent a lot of time evaluating my commitment to this man and our marriage, looking at all the good, bad and ugly and asked myself "even if he doesn't change at all, do I still want to be his wife?"
And the answer is a solid YES. Because HE is still in there, broken maybe, feeling smaller than the monster he feels he has become, definitely... But there none the less, is the lighthearted, deeply loving, slightly crass, adventurous, brave goofball that swept me off my feet and opened my heart to life and love and family with a man that I adore. And I love him fiercely. And I'm committed to walking, sometimes wading, through this life with him and his PTSD.
I only can hope and pray he finds it in himself to come back home and give us an honest go, with all the cards on the table. And this is where fear sets in. And frustration. I feel cheated and betrayed by him, even though I recognize it's the PTSD that caused him to not open up about how he was feeling. But now that we've recognized that, I can't help feeling like he OWES it to his family to come home and go about this together, as a whole. In battle, he would never leave his buddy no matter what... So why is he leaving us? That hurts, it hurts so badly. I feel so worthless to him. Day and night, I long to hear him say "I am here, be here with me. We are going to do this together."
And he did say that, a few weeks ago, but then flip flopped and changed his mind. And it crushed me all over again. Then he came over and we had a date night, a great time together and he stayed over and we went as a family to a Veterans Day parade. Then he said he felt like he was using me. Ugh. I just wish he could accept where he's at and know it's okay... But commit to our family and to me to be in it together. I'm so confused.
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