Relationship My Husband Has Ptsd And Wants Me To "move On"

[cPTSDwife]

My husband has been suffering with PTSD for 6 years now. Today was a hard day in our home...

He told me that he wants me to just 'move on' and find someone else that can love me the way I deserve. I love my husband, I don't want our relationship to end. We have been married for almost 7 years. He told me today that he knows that he loves me but he is incapable to be 'in-love' with me and I don't deserve that. This is the first time that he has ever opened up to me about his PTSD. He seeks no help, doesn't want to. He takes no medicine, doesn't want to. He said that it doesn't help him...

My heart is broken.. hearing that he isn't "in-love" with me really hurts. I am trying to understand where he is coming from. I will not let his PTSD win, I am willing to stand my ground and fight for him but I am worried that I will end up growing bitter about the hurtful things he says to me.. he also told me for the first time that he doesn't know if we wants kids, we've always planned on having kids when we felt like it was a right time, that is really hard for me to deal with because I want kids, I want a family.. I just feel like a ton of bricks were dumped on me today, almost like I do not even know who he is now..

How can I cope with this and help him? I feel less than a person and have felt that way for a few years now.. I know he is dealing with something that I cannot understand but my self esteem is beaten down, I hate leaving the house and I am just not the same person anymore..

 

[Healing Reins]

I've never been married, or even close to being in your shoes, (I'm only 18) However, with that said, I am sorry for what you are going through. It's no fun when someones PTSD takes over them, and molds them into this whole other person, or when Someones PTSD gets too hard for them to bare, and then they take it out on those they love the most. Which ever the case, I'm sorry that you are going through this.

In my honest opinion, I believe that you should seek counseling for this. (Again I'm only 18, so please take my advice with a grain of salt if you feel like that is the best choice!) :) Is your husband in counseling? Counseling has done wonders for me, my relationships and my struggle with PTSD. I believe that if you seek counseling, not only will your relationship with your husband turn out for the better, his relationship with his PTSD may diminish.

I also believe that you should think to yourself that he is probably going through a hard time, lets be honest here, How many of us are completely honest and heartfelt when we go through hard times? I know I'm not. I know I like to say the most hurtful thing on my mind to mask how hurt I am. Maybe your husbands PTSD is getting too hard for him to handle on his own so he is saying things that will hurt.

I admire your willingness to stick with him, through the good and the bad. It's really great to see.

I hope this helped a little, and if not I hope you know that I care about whats going on for you! I really do!
I wish you the best of luck!

 

[cPTSDwife]

I would love counseling, I even mentioned maybe a couples session sometimes but he is just against it all together. He will not get help as of yet but I am not done with trying.. After the things he said to me today, I just don't know how to act because I just feel so unwanted by him. I know he probably doesn't mean it, I know he loves me, that keeps me holding on. I am so proud of him, I admire him a lot and I made sure to send him to work tonight with a note, telling him all of those things.

I told him that he wasn't the only one that stood on our wedding day and said our vows and he cannot make the decision for both of us, I wasn't ready and I wasn't leaving.. I said for sickness and in health and he is sick right now and I intend on being there.

I appreciate you replying so soon and your help on chat as well. I just needed to hear that I wasn't alone and I am not fighting for nothing. I needed to know I am trying to do the right thing.. I will work on therapy for him and even my self. I am more open than he is but maybe he will come around.

 

[Sweetpea76]

So sorry @0311Wife.. what a heartbreaking day. Do you think maybe he is just having a rough patch?

 

[Jezanna]

I've been married for 24 yrs and I'm the ptsd sufferer. I've said some thing similiar to my spouse. It was depression talking. I strongly reccomend you going to therapy alone if needed. Let him know why and that you hope he joins you. As far as the possibly not wanting kids well I have to say please don't force him. The last thing the world needs is another fatherless child(ren) my husband is a product of one spouse wanting kids and the other didn't. He was so hurt by his dad's inability to parent that at 50 it still hurts. I wish the best of luck to you and my hope is that you will make sure your needs are met too.

 

[Sighs]

My partner has told me many times that I would be better off without him and that I should find someone else. I always tell him that if he decides he is better off without me then I will respect his choice to end the relationship but he does not have the right to decide that I am better off without him - that's my choice! And then reassure him that I choose to be with him and will continue to choose to be with him.

I think this comes from the feelings of self-loathing that PTSD brings. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you and doesn't mean he really wants to end things.

I agree that counselling for you would be very helpful. You can't support him if you have no support yourself. Its very hard to take the constant rejection from someone you love - even when your head knows its not him its the PTSD your heart still bruises.

As to kids... well... that's really hard. Having kids is one of the most stressful things you will ever do. Your husband probably can't cope with any more stress. He may never be well enough to cope with kids. You have to decide whether having kids is so important to you that you are prepared to leave him and seek another relationship. Or you hang in there with him accepting that the consequence is that you may not have kids. Don't bring a child into a bad situation. I say that as a child born into a PTSD household. Now in a relationship with a PTSD sufferer - feels familiar I guess!

 

[Dee Morris]

Definitely get counseling for yourself. His unwillingness to help himself WILL have a negative impact on you. I understand you love him but your responsibility is to yourself first. As a sufferer, it doesn't benefit me to have an unhealthy partner and sometimes that's the situation I create for myself. As much as you love him, you cannot save him. Counseling for YOU will help you find clarity in your specific situation.

Sighs made an excellent point about not bringing a child into a bad situation. I have two children, 25 and 17, and I can tell you that they have both been severely impacted by not just my PTSD but the negative dynamic in my marriage. They both struggle with depression and anxiety today as a direct result. You need to figure out if you can live without children or if having that life event stripped from you will cause you to be resentful towards your partner. The "noble" thing is to stay but that doesn't mean it's the right thing to do.

 

[Meadowsweet]

He told me today that he knows that he loves me but he is incapable to be 'in-love' with me and I don't deserve that.

Do you know what he means by this? I ask, because to me, to love someone is the deep/never ending kind of love, and to be 'in love' with someone is kind of to enjoy the everyday things you do together. I wouldn't want you to think that he doesn't love you, he wouldn't have said that if he didn't - but his illness may stop him being able to participate in the everyday things, so it's not you he doesn't love, it's life.

I think @Sighs gives some really good advice. But also, sometimes it is the best thing to walk away, even though it must hurt to do so.

 

[cPTSDwife]

My husband doesn't talk about his feelings with me, ever. He told me that he has just been "faking" his way through out relationship to make me feel better.. I would never force him to have children, he has always told me that he wanted to and now he said he didn't, as you can understand, that was a huge shock to me. I just don't know what is a lie and what the truth is anymore and I feel terribly lost.

When I call him, apparently it bothers him, he's never told me that before until yesterday. So now, am I just not suppose to call my own husband? It just doesn't make sense to keep everything from me and then load it all on me at once and then want me to leave him without even really giving us a chance to work through things. I feel like he has just lost all hope..

This may be a dumb question but since I don't have PTSD, I don't understand what it is like.. does it ever go away or will he have this forever?[DOUBLEPOST=1400178165,1400177921][/DOUBLEPOST]Also, we have 4 dogs.. we decided that I would take 2 if I left and he would keep 2... I don't want to leave them.. since I do not have kids, my dogs are my entire life and I love them so much and the thought of not seeing them just rips me apart. I would not only lose him, I would lose them as well.. :cry: the thought of that really just makes me sick. & I know that may seem silly to some but they are so important to me..

 

[catdog]

That could be his way of saying "I don't think I'm good enough for you" which is all in his own mind (as long as he for the most part treats you correctly). It's a long process, but him evening mentioning something is a good start. He's probably going to say a lot of things that he doesn't necessarily believe or think. He will continue to grow and learn and heal and get better. You must be patient with him. If you believe in him and love him then you can help him through this. There will be times when you are hurt by the things he says but he doesn't mean them. Keep your head up and stand with him - you'll get through it together.

 

[cPTSDwife]

@catdog Thank you for that reassurance. I am so thankful that I found this forum. I joined last night, made this post and you all have already started to give me some hope. I really do feel like that was his way of saying he isn't good enough. He also said, "You are more than anyone could ever want and you deserve someone that will be able to love you the way you deserve." So, one minute it was harmful words but then I could catch a glimpse of himself in there so that gives me a lot of hope.

I decided I need to do somethings for myself and maybe give us a little bit of a breather since I work from home. I filled out my college application today, I am 25 so it is a late start but I am looking forward to it. Maybe if I am not under his nose all of the time it will help him relax, me as well. I am going to try therapy and maybe he will decide to join me one day. I really really want him to go to therapy and be able to talk to someone..

 

[Meadowsweet]

This may be a dumb question but since I don't have PTSD, I don't understand what it is like.. does it ever go away or will he have this forever?

People who develop PTSD have no better idea of how to manage it than anyone else, in this way diagnosis and psychological education is the thing that helps, whether you are have PTSD or come across it in a loved one.

It sounds like he has handled this in the worst way possible. I'm speaking as a person with PTSD, and I'm only saying this because you said you want to understand. But understanding doesn't mean you shouldn't be upset. An illness in the family, doesn't just effect the person with the illness, it effects everybody. But, in the early stages of PTSD, people quite often try to keep everything in and try to act like nothings wrong. It is the worst possible way to handle it, but if it's any consolation, it is done out of love and trying to not put all that mess onto others. It's also denial, trying to be the person you once were, trying to be the person you want to be and trying to be the person that will make loved ones happy. But it's a bit like coiling a spring up tightly, eventually, the pressure gives and the spring uncoils in an uncontrolled explosion.

In answer to your question, no it doesn't ever go away. But, a person with PTSD can learn how to manage what they go through. So yes, it is an illness, that like any illness, the person with it, as well as their family will need to learn how to adjust to it, so that they can live with it. So, it will always be part of your lives, but if he can learn to be honest always in his feelings, then the coiled spring/explosion can stop. That is what managing PTSD is all about.

From what you've said here, it sounds like he has lied to protect you, it's genuinely a noble intent, but also a demonstration that he doesn't understand that his mind is very ill. It takes that exploding point for someone to recognise that this isn't something they can handle by themselves and that they need help. But he needs to realise that for himself

the explanation I've given you is to help you not take it so personally, and to understand that it is an illness and he has seemingly tried his best. But he can't live in denial that something has gone wrong with his mind.

But you need to be a little bit selfish and think of you right now. like Sighs said, it's not his place to decide whether you are better off without him. But it is perfectly ok for you to decide now, that you are better off for this split. He will cope. If you decide to stay, then it has to be because you find some fulfillment in learning to live with someone with this disorder.