Relationship My husband left

Sweetpea76

Moderator
Honestly, I’d wait to give him the letter... Have you been telling him how much you love him and how much you want to save the marriage? If so, how’s he been reacting to that?

If he cannot handle his own emotions right now, he cannot handle yours.

What I would do is be suuuuuuuuuper calm around him. No dramatic letters or declarations of love. At the most I’d verbally tell him you love him, and you love him so much that you’re going to be chill and respect his boundaries/give him space. Then actually do that...

My bet is he’ll come back around. You can’t just move your ex into base housing and let her live there without you if you’re the sponsor. That’s not his decision... he’ll get his ass ripped. If he wasn’t planning on coming back he would turn down the housing, send you home, and go live in the Bs.

However, if in a few weeks he seems serious about the divorce, I’d start looking for a new place, because you’re not going to be able to stay in that house.

You’ve tried the hysterical reaction... give calm a try. It’s better for both your mental health.
 
Honestly, I’d wait to give him the letter... Have you been telling him how much you love him and how much you want to save the marriage? If so, how’s he been reacting to that?

If he cannot handle his own emotions right now, he cannot handle yours.

What I would do is be suuuuuuuuuper calm around him. No dramatic letters or declarations of love. At the most I’d verbally tell him you love him, and you love him so much that you’re going to be chill and respect his boundaries/give him space. Then actually do that...

My bet is he’ll come back around. You can’t just move your ex into base housing and let her live there without you if you’re the sponsor. That’s not his decision... he’ll get his ass ripped. If he wasn’t planning on coming back he would turn down the housing, send you home, and go live in the Bs.

However, if in a few weeks he seems serious about the divorce, I’d start looking for a new place, because you’re not going to be able to stay in that house.

You’ve tried the hysterical reaction... give calm a try. It’s better for both your mental health.
I haven’t talked to him about anything other than the move since he left two weeks ago. I haven’t told him I loved him or was here for him or anything. He didn’t care if I left. I just started a new job when this happened and I think he’s offering the house so I can stay here and keep working. He told me that he’s going to be staying with a friend off base who’s wife left him but they’re still married so he has a house and that my husband could live with him. He assured me there was no way they’d find out that he wasn’t living in the house with me.

how long should I wait with the letter? Should I even give him a letter or wait a few weeks and see if he’s willing to talk in person?
 

woodsy1

MyPTSD Pro
I haven’t talked to him about anything other than the move since he left two weeks ago. I haven’t told him I loved him or was here for him or anything. He didn’t care if I left. I just started a new job when this happened and I think he’s offering the house so I can stay here and keep working. He told me that he’s going to be staying with a friend off base who’s wife left him but they’re still married so he has a house and that my husband could live with him. He assured me there was no way they’d find out that he wasn’t living in the house with me.

how long should I wait with the letter? Should I even give him a letter or wait a few weeks and see if he’s willing to talk in person?
This sounds possibly a little different than just PTSD avoidance issues. I'm no mental health experts, but at least from my experience, this sounds a little different.

Personally, I'd wait to see him in person. Find out what's really going on. Time generally brings to light much more of the story.

I'm sure bummed that you are in this cruddy situation.

While you are waiting for the next development, try to occupy yourself and make the most of every day.

Rooting for you,
Woodsy1
 

Sweetpea76

Moderator
I don’t know your husband, so I can’t say if the heartfelt letter is a good idea or not.

My partner has combat PTSD, and if I gave him a letter like that when he was symptomatic it’d be like trying to cuddle a pissed off honey badger who’s dragging a hemorrhoid. He wouldn’t react well. My emotional outpouring would send him over the edge. I cannot be the least bit needy around him when he’s sick. Is it fair? Nope, but that’s how it goes.

I don’t know if the emotional comfort would be different with somebody who has PTSD from CSA? It’s hard to say... it’s a learning curve. Is this the first time he’s been really symptomatic around you?


He assured me there was no way they’d find out that he wasn’t living in the house with me.

I’d have a back up plan... because these are famous last words. They always find out. You’ll have an inspection, or a neighbor will rat you out. It may take awhile for that to happen, but I’d be prepared with a deposit for an apartment just in case he doesn’t end up moving in. Just because he isn’t living in the real world right now doesn’t mean you have to live there too.
 
Last edited:
I don’t know your husband, so I can’t say if the heartfelt letter is a good idea or not.

My partner has combat PTSD, and if I gave him a letter like that when he was symptomatic it’d be like trying to cuddle a pissed off honey badger who’s dragging a hemorrhoid. He wouldn’t react well. My emotional outpouring would send him over the edge. I cannot be the least bit needy around him when he’s sick. Is it fair? Nope, but that’s how it goes.

I don’t know if the emotional comfort would be different with somebody who has PTSD from CSA? It’s hard to say... it’s a learning curve. Over the years yoo Is this the first time he’s been really symptomatic around you?




I’d have a back up plan... because these are famous last words. They always find out. You’ll have an inspection, or a neighbor will rat you out. It may take awhile for that to happen, but I’d be prepared with a deposit for an apartment just in case he doesn’t end up moving in. Just because he isn’t living in the real world right now doesn’t mean you have to live there too.
Yes this is the first time he’s ever acted this way. He’s had little outburst in the past about me not knowing what he’s been through or what goes on in his head but never anything like this. I don’t know if the mixture of his grandpa, us moving and him being in a new unit with people he didn’t know just pushed him over the edge. And then I left him for a week to top it off. While I was gone he was texting me that he missed me and asking when I was coming home and then he ends up telling me he stopped loving me when I was gone and was pretending about everything he said?
 

Sweetpea76

Moderator
Yep... sounds like his stress cup overflowed. Give this a read, it’s really helpful!

 
Yep... sounds like his stress cup overflowed. Give this a read, it’s really helpful!

Thank you! I will definitely give that a read. I’m thinking that I should try to talk to him in person instead of giving the letter. I was planning to wait a couple more weeks and see if he will come talk to me. Does this sound okay? How long does it usually take your husband to be okay with talking? Mine seems pretty similar to the bear that your husband becomes.
 

Sweetpea76

Moderator
I have to gauge it... sometimes he’s fine after a few days, sometimes he’s bad off for months. Once he was symptomatic for damn near a year. Everybody is individual though, so there is no “typical”. I’ve been with mine for more than 8 years, and he still throws me for a loop every so often.

I’d try talking to him in person if he seems more relaxed or warmer... but I wouldn’t push anything just yet. With that being said, I wouldn’t wait forever either. Maybe take it week by week.
 
I have to gauge it... sometimes he’s fine after a few days, sometimes he’s bad off for months. Once he was symptomatic for damn near a year. Everybody is individual though, so there is no “typical”. I’ve been with mine for more than 8 years, and he still throws me for a loop every so often.

I’d try talking to him in person if he seems more relaxed or warmer... but I wouldn’t push anything just yet. With that being said, I wouldn’t wait forever either. Maybe take it week by week.
I have no problem taking it week but week. I plan to stay here for a year. But should I text him every week like his uncle suggested?
 
Top