My Introduction, And My Problem.

[Nephets]

First of all, I am very happy to have found this forum.
But I seriously need help.

I am totally lost right now. For the longest time I have not been a very social person. I hate crowds of people, and I especially hate people I've never met. Physical contact in public is impossible, even bumping into someone gets me to break out in cold sweats, and holding hands with someone makes me tense up until I feel like I have to punch something to make it go away. It's gotten to a point where my girlfriend of 3 years is being affected by my lack of affection. Also, I am a strong misanthropist, and hate humanity as a whole. I am very un-trusting of doctors, and I do not believe in the power of medication. I do not get alo

I have no idea what is causing all this. Recently, however, I started thinking about the issue while talking to my girlfriend about my inability to hold her hand or hug her in public (though I am fine at home). While I was young (from first grade through fifth grade), I was heavily bullied. Towards the end of my fifth grade year it became increasingly unbearable to a point where I was tempted to commit suicide many time, and attempted once. I was put in psychiatry, and was switched from doctor to doctor for about two years. At some points during this time I was heavily medicated to a bed-ridden state, and at some points I was not medicated at all.

I never pieced these events together before, but I am starting to think after reading some articles, that the bullying as a child, and the subsequent failed attempts at mental help, may have given me PTSD. I never knew PTSD could be inflicted this way, and assumed it only came about via rape and war. It really explains my distrust of doctors and hatred of medication, my nervousness in public, and especially my constant recoil away from physical contact in public. I am not scared of my past events, nor do I relive them, but I believe I may be subconsciously scarred from these events that I thought I was doing so well coping with.

This was a long time ago, I am now a Senior in High School and am 18, which puts the bullying at its earliest about 10 years ago.

It is really starting to affect my life, and am unsure what to do. Any help would be greatly appreciated, especially now that its really starting to affect my relationship, and I am about to move away to college alone.

 

[J-Diz]

Hey Nephets, I was a total anti-medication person as well until it literally changed my life. Don't want to sound like a drug company advocate but maybe something to consider?

 

[AngelaMarie]

Well done on being 18 years old and already working on your issues! Also, it seemed that as you wrote your post that you were figuring out where your difficulties were coming from about being in public.

Do you think you are afraid to show any affection in public because you are concerned you may be made fun of? You said you were bullied, if it involved physical contact do you think that may be the reason you have such difficulties with being touched?

I was bullied for years when I was young. It started at the age of 11 years old. It went on until I was about 15. I still remember the feeling. I still feel ill when I think of it. There is a boy at my children's school that is getting bullied right now. Everytime I hear about what is happening it brings me to tears or close to it. I knew a boy in school that did actually commit suicide due to being bullied. It hurts alot and leaves scars. However, you can overcome and become better.

You should be proud of the fact that you are searching for an answer and trying to solve the issue. I know as a mother I would be very proud of you.:tup:

Welcome to the forum! I hope you keep coming back. You can get lots of support here.:)

 

[Abrasky]

Welcome to the forum

 

[Nephets]

Thank you very much for your support.

I'm not concerned about being made fun of, that's not been a problem with me. The only thing I have a problem with is physical contact. I'm not scared to touch people, but when I hold someones hand or hug someone while in public, it's like my fight or flight reaction kicks in. Is it possible that my mind has associated contact while in crowds with physical violence? When I was bullied, it was often physical.

The wierd part is, I have always done very well with being in public, and I had thought I got over my issues, I've only really begun to notice this problem over the past year or so.

Should I talk to my parents about this? I don't want to put them through any stress.

 

[AmyO]

Hi, and welcome. It is possible that your mind has made a connection that you might not be aware of. I have found in dealing with my boys (who are being bullied and have Ptsd) that it is bringing things to the surface that they haven't thought about for a while. They are all very young and can't quite understand how to process it.

As a mom, I would love to help my boys but they don't know the words. I wouldn't mind the stress at all. If you have a good relationship with your parents (seems the case since you feel like you can talk to them) I am sure they would like to help any way they can. You are the one that knows them best and maybe they can give you some insight and a more personalized support that you need right now.

You should be proud of yourself though for taking the first step. Anger is a very big part of Ptsd and you are trying to change it. My heart cries for you that you even were bullied, no one should have to go through it. Keep strong and look for the light at the end of the tunnel, bud. You are so strong for even attempting to recover.