cheetahspots
New Here
Hello all,
I joined this site about a week or two ago, during the midst of one of the worst "episodes" I'd had in at least a year, but didn't have the guts (or calmness) at the time to actually post. I have been lurking, but now I think.. it's time to just say hello.
A little about me: I am nearly 30 y/o now. I was diagnosed with complex PTSD and mild agoraphobia a little over two years ago. At that point I had just fled to a new town where I knew no one, to escape an abusive relationship, and I was extremely suicidal and refused to leave my apartment. I hit rock bottom and was doing nothing but hiding in my room all day and damaging myself (cutting to the point of large raised scarring), refusing to leave even to check the mail or feed myself. Actually my mail service was cut off. Any time someone would come up the stairs, I would have a full blown panic attack thinking it was someone coming to hurt me, even though it was completely harmless, such as a neighbor welcoming me or what have you. I realized that I had two options: either end my life, or get help. I opted for help, and have been in therapy every week ever since.
One thing I have discovered in my therapy is that my trauma was not just from this past abusive relationship (though it was by far the worst). I had a long string of abusive and co-dependent relationships throughout my early/mid 20s. Even further back, my older brother was extremely abusive to me from as early as I can remember. So apparently I have a history of trying to please/gain acceptance and love from males that really couldn't care less about treating me well, and if I can't make them approve of me in some way, I automatically think I am a failure. It sickens me to think that I have been so meek, such a doormat for so many years when the truth is I didn't need ANYONE'S approval to exist or be happy. I'm learning that now.
About a week and a half ago I had a bad PTSD episode where I was very seriously considering ending my life again.. but instead of looking for something to do it with, I reached for my phone and cried my eyes out to a family member instead. Which I took as a sign that I'm handling these episodes better. In the past, I would've bottled it up, or engaged in self harm. I also decided to look for a site where I could interact with others who understand the kind of thing I'm going through, because try as they may- my family members can't quite relate to my particular situation.
Sorry for the lengthy post, and thank you to anyone who reads this. If you are curious about what to call me, Cheetah or Chee is fine.
I joined this site about a week or two ago, during the midst of one of the worst "episodes" I'd had in at least a year, but didn't have the guts (or calmness) at the time to actually post. I have been lurking, but now I think.. it's time to just say hello.
A little about me: I am nearly 30 y/o now. I was diagnosed with complex PTSD and mild agoraphobia a little over two years ago. At that point I had just fled to a new town where I knew no one, to escape an abusive relationship, and I was extremely suicidal and refused to leave my apartment. I hit rock bottom and was doing nothing but hiding in my room all day and damaging myself (cutting to the point of large raised scarring), refusing to leave even to check the mail or feed myself. Actually my mail service was cut off. Any time someone would come up the stairs, I would have a full blown panic attack thinking it was someone coming to hurt me, even though it was completely harmless, such as a neighbor welcoming me or what have you. I realized that I had two options: either end my life, or get help. I opted for help, and have been in therapy every week ever since.
One thing I have discovered in my therapy is that my trauma was not just from this past abusive relationship (though it was by far the worst). I had a long string of abusive and co-dependent relationships throughout my early/mid 20s. Even further back, my older brother was extremely abusive to me from as early as I can remember. So apparently I have a history of trying to please/gain acceptance and love from males that really couldn't care less about treating me well, and if I can't make them approve of me in some way, I automatically think I am a failure. It sickens me to think that I have been so meek, such a doormat for so many years when the truth is I didn't need ANYONE'S approval to exist or be happy. I'm learning that now.
About a week and a half ago I had a bad PTSD episode where I was very seriously considering ending my life again.. but instead of looking for something to do it with, I reached for my phone and cried my eyes out to a family member instead. Which I took as a sign that I'm handling these episodes better. In the past, I would've bottled it up, or engaged in self harm. I also decided to look for a site where I could interact with others who understand the kind of thing I'm going through, because try as they may- my family members can't quite relate to my particular situation.
Sorry for the lengthy post, and thank you to anyone who reads this. If you are curious about what to call me, Cheetah or Chee is fine.
