TheAffectee
New Here
Hello everyone,
I'm TheAffectee, a man in the mid-to-late thirties.
I got a diagnosis for CPTSD earlier this year when I broke down from work related stress and got in contact with a psychologist in private healthcare. I recently read Pete Walker's CPTSD: From Striving to Thriving, which is also how I found this forum.
But I'll wind back a bit and share a short version of my story from the beginning to my current status.
The family I grew up in was my biological parents, me, and my ten-years-older half-brother. My father was a workaholic, distant and away from home for months at a time. My mother was a verbally and physically violent alcoholic. When my father wasn't home, she turned her full rage against me any time she became aware of my existence.
Already at an early age I became reluctant to speak with either of my parents for anything unless I absolutely had to; anything might set off a massive fight with screaming and destruction. Even when my mother wasn't actively hostile she was at best dismissive and cold. The only times my parents tried to speak kindly to me was when they tried to manipulate me against each other, or to convince me of what not to say to people with authority.
When my half-brother moved out my mothers alcoholism got worse and she began to actively keep me isolated from the few friends I had, by threatening and screaming at the parents of my friends.
I was frequently bullied and in trouble at school, but by far worse was the constant and unpredictable abuse from my mother at home. The least bad days of my childhood were the days I managed to avoid everyone at school and my existence was forgotten at home.
From around the age of 11 until I graduated from high school the only one I had to talk to was the family cat. I would not still be alive if the cat hadn't been there to keep me company through those years.
I broke contact immediately with my mother when I graduated from high school, much later I broke contact with my father as well. My mother has tried to keep harassing me and people around me over the years; I can't have my phone number listed publicly and people living at the same adress as me are at risk of getting woken by threatening drunken calls in the middle of the night.
In the 20 years since then I have put a lot of energy into trying to open up, developing the social skills I never got as a kid, and trying to correct hurtful defenses and sarcasm. And just keeping myself afloat with constant depression, suicidal ideation, numbness and dissociation, worthlessness, sleep problems, loneliness...
After high school I did military service, and then worked some odd jobs for a bit.
I went to university and got a bachelor's degree in an engineering field; a depressive episode in my final year made me spend a year and a half more than planned on the degree. After working in that field for five years I gave up on that career.
I then went to trade school for programming and found work as a developer. I have been at that job for three years.
I have had several breakdowns after periods of high stress at work and in education, each breakdown worse than the last. I think I'm having a harder time recovering my abilities to keep going each time as well.
After a breakdown at work a few years ago, I got placed on a waiting list for psychiatric evaluation in the public heath care system here. After a couple of years I was finally evaluated and was initially diagnosed with ADD and Aspergers.
My relief at finally getting some support and treatment soon turned sour, when I realized that the psychoeducation was completely ineffective and the stimulants just hid all my symptoms under a laser-like focus for work. In hindsight I know that I should have left immediately when their psychologist insisted that what I thought might be CPTSD symptoms were "irrelevant".
Around this new years I again had a massive breakdown with worsened depression, rage outbursts at work and in public, worsened suicidal ideation, complete social withdrawal, dissociation, etc. The uncontrollable rage was a new issue that I hadn't experienced before.
I went on sick leave and got in touch with a psychologist in private healthcare. After a second psychiatric evaluation the verdict is that I don't fulfill the requirements for ADD nor Aspergers, but CPTSD with depression does check all the boxes.
My depression, rage, social withdrawal, and emotional numbness began to slowly improve a few months after starting trauma therapy and quitting all medications. My life long constant suicidal ideation lessened to the point that I was often surprised at how quiet my thoughts were. According to my mood tracker this July was the best I have ever been since I began tracking several years ago.
Now in August I returned to work from sick leave, feeling slightly hopeful of being on the path of recovery.
I was let go within ten minutes after returning to work, and instantly all my issues that had been improving came back with a vengeance; I can only feel that I'm being punished for trying to get better.
I have dissociated to the point of having difficulty speaking. When I'm not completely numb I risk exploding at even the tiniest of things; like a button press not registering quickly enough.
I swing between total emotional numbness, to anxiety and vague pain, and occasionally to being taken by white hot screaming rage.
My yoga, meditation, and trauma exercises have stopped having almost any effect. I try to force myself to the gym while I still have a membership, but I have never actually felt better mentally for just exercising. Unfortunately I can't afford private health care while unemployed.
Looking for work is going to be an enormous uphill battle. My last job was completely remote, so I moved to the countryside in the hopes of saving up for the down-payment of an apartment somewhere better down the line. Now I'm stuck in a country town with no opportunities.
No one wants to initially hire someone who doesn't live nearby. Moving somewhere that has opportunities is difficult, because no one will accept a tenant here without an employer to vouch for their income. I'm stuck in a catch-22: can't get a job because I can't move, can't move because I don't have a job.
I have two friends I can chat with, but constantly being negative and complaining about how I'm doing isn't something that anyone will put up with for long. Instead I say nothing.
I haven't been in a romantic relationship in years. My emotional numbness, depression, negativity, and communication issues doesn't make me a very appealing partner; I don't want to drag someone else down with me either. At the same time I have a very hard time trusting and connecting emotionally, making romance a moot point. Still I'm lonely.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know what I want.
Nothing brings me joy.
I'm so tired of trying.
That's the severely abridged version of how I got here; the long version could probably fill a book.
Thank you for reading. I hope we can get along.
I'm TheAffectee, a man in the mid-to-late thirties.
I got a diagnosis for CPTSD earlier this year when I broke down from work related stress and got in contact with a psychologist in private healthcare. I recently read Pete Walker's CPTSD: From Striving to Thriving, which is also how I found this forum.
But I'll wind back a bit and share a short version of my story from the beginning to my current status.
The family I grew up in was my biological parents, me, and my ten-years-older half-brother. My father was a workaholic, distant and away from home for months at a time. My mother was a verbally and physically violent alcoholic. When my father wasn't home, she turned her full rage against me any time she became aware of my existence.
Already at an early age I became reluctant to speak with either of my parents for anything unless I absolutely had to; anything might set off a massive fight with screaming and destruction. Even when my mother wasn't actively hostile she was at best dismissive and cold. The only times my parents tried to speak kindly to me was when they tried to manipulate me against each other, or to convince me of what not to say to people with authority.
When my half-brother moved out my mothers alcoholism got worse and she began to actively keep me isolated from the few friends I had, by threatening and screaming at the parents of my friends.
I was frequently bullied and in trouble at school, but by far worse was the constant and unpredictable abuse from my mother at home. The least bad days of my childhood were the days I managed to avoid everyone at school and my existence was forgotten at home.
From around the age of 11 until I graduated from high school the only one I had to talk to was the family cat. I would not still be alive if the cat hadn't been there to keep me company through those years.
I broke contact immediately with my mother when I graduated from high school, much later I broke contact with my father as well. My mother has tried to keep harassing me and people around me over the years; I can't have my phone number listed publicly and people living at the same adress as me are at risk of getting woken by threatening drunken calls in the middle of the night.
In the 20 years since then I have put a lot of energy into trying to open up, developing the social skills I never got as a kid, and trying to correct hurtful defenses and sarcasm. And just keeping myself afloat with constant depression, suicidal ideation, numbness and dissociation, worthlessness, sleep problems, loneliness...
After high school I did military service, and then worked some odd jobs for a bit.
I went to university and got a bachelor's degree in an engineering field; a depressive episode in my final year made me spend a year and a half more than planned on the degree. After working in that field for five years I gave up on that career.
I then went to trade school for programming and found work as a developer. I have been at that job for three years.
I have had several breakdowns after periods of high stress at work and in education, each breakdown worse than the last. I think I'm having a harder time recovering my abilities to keep going each time as well.
After a breakdown at work a few years ago, I got placed on a waiting list for psychiatric evaluation in the public heath care system here. After a couple of years I was finally evaluated and was initially diagnosed with ADD and Aspergers.
My relief at finally getting some support and treatment soon turned sour, when I realized that the psychoeducation was completely ineffective and the stimulants just hid all my symptoms under a laser-like focus for work. In hindsight I know that I should have left immediately when their psychologist insisted that what I thought might be CPTSD symptoms were "irrelevant".
Around this new years I again had a massive breakdown with worsened depression, rage outbursts at work and in public, worsened suicidal ideation, complete social withdrawal, dissociation, etc. The uncontrollable rage was a new issue that I hadn't experienced before.
I went on sick leave and got in touch with a psychologist in private healthcare. After a second psychiatric evaluation the verdict is that I don't fulfill the requirements for ADD nor Aspergers, but CPTSD with depression does check all the boxes.
My depression, rage, social withdrawal, and emotional numbness began to slowly improve a few months after starting trauma therapy and quitting all medications. My life long constant suicidal ideation lessened to the point that I was often surprised at how quiet my thoughts were. According to my mood tracker this July was the best I have ever been since I began tracking several years ago.
Now in August I returned to work from sick leave, feeling slightly hopeful of being on the path of recovery.
I was let go within ten minutes after returning to work, and instantly all my issues that had been improving came back with a vengeance; I can only feel that I'm being punished for trying to get better.
I have dissociated to the point of having difficulty speaking. When I'm not completely numb I risk exploding at even the tiniest of things; like a button press not registering quickly enough.
I swing between total emotional numbness, to anxiety and vague pain, and occasionally to being taken by white hot screaming rage.
My yoga, meditation, and trauma exercises have stopped having almost any effect. I try to force myself to the gym while I still have a membership, but I have never actually felt better mentally for just exercising. Unfortunately I can't afford private health care while unemployed.
Looking for work is going to be an enormous uphill battle. My last job was completely remote, so I moved to the countryside in the hopes of saving up for the down-payment of an apartment somewhere better down the line. Now I'm stuck in a country town with no opportunities.
No one wants to initially hire someone who doesn't live nearby. Moving somewhere that has opportunities is difficult, because no one will accept a tenant here without an employer to vouch for their income. I'm stuck in a catch-22: can't get a job because I can't move, can't move because I don't have a job.
I have two friends I can chat with, but constantly being negative and complaining about how I'm doing isn't something that anyone will put up with for long. Instead I say nothing.
I haven't been in a romantic relationship in years. My emotional numbness, depression, negativity, and communication issues doesn't make me a very appealing partner; I don't want to drag someone else down with me either. At the same time I have a very hard time trusting and connecting emotionally, making romance a moot point. Still I'm lonely.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know what I want.
Nothing brings me joy.
I'm so tired of trying.
That's the severely abridged version of how I got here; the long version could probably fill a book.
Thank you for reading. I hope we can get along.
