My New Boyfriend

[Changing4Best]

He's very emotionally needy, leagally separated and about to be having his divorce finalized. He lives way out in the mountains in a trailer and is lonely, being alone most all the time. I live alone here in town, am also lonely and probably am not as emotionally needy as he is though.

His ex-wife's son attacked him and threw him on the floor when he refused to give the kid more money. His ex-wife sided with her son, wanting this poor man to continue to dish out endless amounts of funds to the kid. The kid actually got HIM charged with assault when the police came, but all charges were later dropped. He showed me the newpaper clipping that delineates that fact.

I really like the guy, though he is somewhat older than I. My hubby of 23 year who died in 2005 was older than I too, in fact moreso than this man is.

I told him I have mental problems due to this Lyme Disease I've suffered from since 1985, but I did not specifically mention the PTSD. I do plan to soon, but it has not felt right just yet to do so. I need to talk to him in person about it I believe. He may not even know what it is, so I might need to explain it to him a bit.

I think he needs someone in his life enough that he'll be willing to overlook it and take it into stride. I have been in therapy for it a LONG time too, so my symptoms are not as bad as they once were.

Your thoughts and advice are welcome, thanks.

 

[JustBe]

Sounds scary to me Sheila. Please be careful.

 

[Changing4Best]

What sounds scary to you, Movin'On? Is it his neediness or something else?

He and I spent the day together today and all was very nice. Tomorrow we are going out to dinner. He is a friend of a friend of mine, who vouches for him, so that helps me to trust him too. He's also a Vet with honors, he showed me the papers, which makes me trust him even more.

We talked about a lot of things today and since he told me about someone in his family that had been sexually molested as a child, I was able to tell him that I had been too. I told him about having been in therapy for it for a long time and he understood. I felt a great weight lift off me when I was able to tell him, it was a relief that he took it well and was very understanding.

 

[JustBe]

Just a gut feeling from what you've shared so far. I hope I'm wrong.:confused:

 

[Jlso111187]

Be careful. Take things slow and make sure you really know him before jumping in to the relationship.

But, If he makes you happy and continues to be a good guy I am happy for you. Hope everything goes well, you deserve to be happy again.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I am glad you found someone Shelia. It is nice not to be lonely but I agree with the others to proceed with caution.

Wishing you the best with your new boyfriend. :)

 

[intothelight]

Sheila,

I think it is wonderful that you have found someone to talk to and socialize with as being alone is stressful. I think the part that I found concerning was the "emotionally needy", but it is good that you recognized this right away. Just remember to keep whatever boundaries you need in place as sometimes emotionally needy people can be like leeches and can suck the life right out of you.

Enjoy your time together and as long as the relationship has benefits for the both of you then everything is good.

Debbie

 

[Changing4Best]

I think it is wonderful that you have found someone to talk to and socialize with as being alone is stressful. I think the part that I found concerning was the "emotionally needy"...

Yes, I agree, but I am hoping that as time goes by and he sees that I am here for him, that his neediness will lessen or hopefully even subside alltogether.

I know that I will have to place boundaries, especially in time. Yesterday we agreed to meet this afternoon at 2, then when I called to ask him something this morning he wanted to push it up to 1:30. I was using a friend's phone and did not want to press the 2:00 time with her being with me and all, but I will be sure to discuss it with him and get his agreement that when we agree upon a time, it is that time and not an earlier one from now on.

I'm sure I will have to place phone boundaries upon the relationship too, as he sure can talk and talk, and I only get 250 minutes per month with this Safe-Link phone I have from Uncle Sam. At least if he calls and I don't feel like talking I can always just not answer the phone. However, I will have to probably as well work into his brain that when I don't answer, not to keep calling me every so often (or worse yet, every 5 minutes!) until I do answer. I'm only guessing on this last, but I have a feeling I shall need to make this boundary before it actually starts being needed even.

Still, I like the guy in general, he's got interesting stories and things to say, he's seems nice and he did mention that he knows that getting upset is bad for his health, so he does not let himself get upset. I rarely get upset either. I have a VERY long fuse. But I did tell him if it goes off, the person in front of me is IN TROUBLE!

We are all human afterall, and we all have our shortcomings. In a relationship, it is important to determine if the guy's shortcomings are able to be withstood. And one has to take into account one's own shortcomings too. Afterall, no one is perfect!

 

[Jlso111187]

You sound like you have a very good plan on laying out bounderies. Good job, make sure you stick to them. As for the changing of time sometimes things come up and times may have to change. Be flexible but not to flexible where he takes advantage of it, if he has a good excuse on why times need to be changed let him explain. But make it clear that just wanting to see you does not count as a need to change the time. By the sounds of it you know what your doing and you got things handled pretty well. Hope you guys have a good time.

 

[Changing4Best]

Well... our first date was a DISASTER, but at least he knows I have anxiety attacks and I dropped the fact that I have PTSD into a conversation we had this morning, but he started talking just as I was saying it, so I imagine I'll need to mention it again sometime soon.

It all started to go bad when he mentioned that he's been in the Hospital 3 times in the last year for dehydration and that at that moment he was feeling too hot, which could be a sign of dehydration. ANXIETY ATTCK # 1!

So he says we need to pull off the road so he can take off his jacket. OK... so we go by several turn offs and country farm roads where he could easily have turned off, but he didn't. My anxiety hightens. Finally I asked why he could not turn off NOW, and he said because he was affraid of being rear ended. So I looked in the rear-view-mirror and there was nothing there! I mentioned this and he said, they're back there, just too far for you to see them. I looked back again and there was nothing for a good half mile! I suggested he slow down so they would have plenty of time and warning that we were turning. Still he didn't turn off. BY NOW MY ANXIETY IS FULL BLOWN!!!

Finally in desperation I pointed out a place W-A-Y down the road where he could turn off, which finally he did turn into. However, anxiety takes awhile to wear off as you all know...

When we got to the restaurant, I took my PTSD Service dog with me, but he had to leave his dog in the van. All during dinner he was worried about her and needed to go check on her, because she sometimes steps on the doorlocks and unlocks them and there was a couple sitting in the car next to the van and he wondered if they were thinking of stealing his dog. So, we skipped dessert and got back on the road headed for home.

Oh yes, and he'd gotten a call from his ex-wife that morning, she begging him to come back "home." And I had to listen to this over and over... I assume either he was obcessing about it or maybe had forgotten he'd told me about it, but either way, I really did not want to hear about it!

He came for a short visit this morning, and was worried about his dog back at home. So he left. He's had her as his constant companion since the day he got her and I imagine she's very similar to him as my PTSD Service dog is to me, except he is not aware that she is being one and does not know what one is. From what I have heard, just barely of his war experiences, he's most likely PTSD also.

I think I'll just make this a FRIENDSHIP, and not a relationship!

 

[JustBe]

Good idea!:tup:

 

[Jlso111187]

I would just make it a friendship too. Your date sounded kinda scary.