My Parents Gaslighted Me For Years

[Deleted member 38242]

They didnt mean to abuse me, and that is It's own discussion, but this is just about a 20 year gaslighting issue. They finally came clean this year, and said "I thought it would hurt you to much" when talking about an incidence in my life. Their denial over what happened in the first place, and putting me on drugs for a schizophrenic at 17 was punishment enough I thought. But, they said it wasnt happening when clearly it was. I was 17 and getting brutally bullied by school kids, and others about being watched at my home basically "stalked." They kept saying they didnt see anyone, and either were cold when I tried to talk about it, or said I needed medication. I wasnt crazy, but they kept telling me I was and kept wanting me to take medication like heavy medication for schizophrenics. I wasnt crazy, and I was gaslighted into kearned helplessness as a teenager. Treated differently from my two siblings, and thought of as "the problem." Its over now , but Im almost 40, and the past 40 years are gone. They said sorry. They have had good lives like good lives, but they gave me this. I love them so much, but have been hurt so badly. I dont even know what to do. I know I cant to them for advice because they have given me diffrrnt advice from my siblings, and demand I be kind and understanding to anyone abusing me because that person has a reason such as a bad childhood. I had a bad childhood, and yet I have to be the martyred kind one. They raised me like that (i rebelled and was a little turd for a while, but not long compared to there abuse). I dont know what to do to put this away. They are older now, and have supported me a bit more the past five years financially because Im on disability due to the gaslighting, and ptsd. My brother and sister have great lives, and make money, and never lived like me. Its tough, but thank god they admitted it. I was ripped through with psychotic features to ptsd anytime the trauma was retriggered. I had two realities in memory, and life. The one that happened all tucked away in a bad diagnosis, and chemical lobotomy, and the one my parents said happened. I was crazy, and schizoidaffective, and it didnt happen. It was in my mind. I love them, but how do I put this away. Being the kid that was a leftover, and treated worse than everyone else.

 

[Deleted member 38242]

I could have gotten better if they would have not lied 20 years ago. I lost 20 years basically because the gaslighting disabled me more than the original trauma.

 

[J'qel]

I feel you. I have had to come to the realization that my mother (who still gaslights me) may be actually mentally ill, and has been, and very badly so, for as long as I have been alive, but society looked down on getting help so she never did and it just got worse every year. My father-while he didn't defend me or try to stop things (he had his own issues) has never gaslighted me, and I think he realizes that what she says she remembers and what actually happened are usually not even remotely related.

I've had people gaslight me as well after I got out of my parents house.

I wish I could give you some suggestions, but the best I can offer is:

Do you think it's possible that they may be delusional or recreating a reality where the traumatic things they did didn't happen in order to free themselves from the guilt and shame of having done them?

I'm still dealing with gaslighting now and the best I can do is ignore it and remind myself that reality with some is only of a very passing acquaintance to those who want to escape responsibility for their actions. Some people just want to believe that they're innocent so badly that they convince themselves of the lies they tell, and it breaks them. They start losing grip on what did happen and what they wished had happened. Often that makes someone nearby a victim.

And yes, gaslighting can be worse than trauma, because it's so hard sometimes to get to the truth of the matter when the people around you might be lying to your face.

Here's hoping it gets easier and someone with a better response than I have can give you some advice.

 

[turtlemoon]

I am so sorry that this happened to you. I really am. My own childhood was rife with abuse, physical and psychological. It is crazy how much that impacts you. I am forever feeling the need to check in with my partner, make sure they are not mad at me, apologizing for anything and everything, and live with a vague sense of dread and certainty that one day they will just rage out on me because that is what I deserve. My rational mind knows this is foolish, my partner knows me story well and is nothing but kind, gentle, and supportive and our relationship is built on trust and open honest communication. But those old wounds are still there.

I spent many years, at great emotional and financial expense trying to earn the love of certain members of my family. My mom in particular. I even let her live with me for 3 years, pulling all the same stuff, some of it even worse in its own awful way. After she moved away, the gas lighting continued. I had a full on and prolongued breakdown during all this, not realizing then that it was ptsd. Then was assaulted, got zero support from here and was at the point where even talking to her on the phone gave me intense panic. I never knew when she would start the gaslighting...

I actually just recently chose to go No Contact with her. It was due to maybe a minor thing, something that hurt me that she refused to talk to me about. I realized then that the relationship I wanted from her was nothing but a dream, one that would never come true. I still am grieving, haunted by memories both good and bad. But truly, shutting that door was probably the best thing I could have done for myself.

 

[J'qel]

Entirely get it. I spent about 250$ a year buying her jewellery, sometimes twice that, for birthdays and christmas (once I could afford it) because she has been known to throw gifts across the room while shrieking about what crap they are. The year before last she made the comment that I was "just buying her jewellery so I could inherit it when she died" and that "Well you aren't getting anything from us" in her will.

She got a 50$ giftcard this christmas. After she's complained about giftcards. She can honk on my bobo-the only reason she gets anything is that if I didn't she'd tear my father apart-and while he allowed it to happen, my happiest memories are of him. He acts like her hostage in our relationship. If I want to see him or talk to him I have to put up with her.

I even went no contact for three months-it was blissful. Then she yanked my chain again by leaving a message about my father's health (he's had heart and cancer issues-blessedly fine now, but...) so I called. He's fine, she was just letting me know he was having a few minor issues ... and she hasn't specified beyond that since.

*fumes*

I would love to get her out of my life, but as long as my father is alive and I care about him, I don't think I have much of a choice. I really don't want to abandon him to the woman who had him chopping wood a week after his heart surgery and calling him "lazy" because he was "just laying around the house".

My sibling is much the same and if something should happen to my father I expect there to be quite a scene at the funeral. With me thropwing her and possibly my sibling off the premises as they scream at eachother about how miserable and awful they were to my father (almost had this scene when my dad was in the ICU-*that* was fun-thankfully sibling was mature enough to simply leave when she started it up).

*sigh*

Family. For some, it's more of a curse than anything else.

 

[turtlemoon]

Eek. That is rough. Fortunately, mine is in another state and working on her 4th marriage. Not much to hold me hostage over anymore at this point, but guilt that I can't help her with her physical health problems or be around. I love her dearly and I always will, I just can't have her in my life. Wish I could, but the potential for further psychological crap is just too real. Good luck with yours, hopefully you do not have to deal with that often.