Relationship My partner freezes when I talk to him

[Notgoodatnames]

Hi everyone,

Just looking for some feedback from either side of the aisle. This is a bit of a ramble - when I re-read it, I bolded the thing I think I am really trying to ask.

For Context: My partner has been going through a lot of changes in his life, and has spent a lot of the last year grumpy, angry, unreliable and uncommunicative. This is not to say he's not making an effort - he drove 100 miles with me to spend a day cutting tiles down from a 5 1/2" to a 5" to match the wall tiles on a project I was working on, in the freezing cold, which means a lot to me. He put a lot of thought into a Christmas present for me. But he also spent Valentine's Day last year not speaking to me, and then told me it was "only for white people anyway" and blew up at me over the summer, and spent all of August refusing to pick up my phone calls. He used to say he loved me, and talk about a future with us together, but at the moment he refuses to acknowledge that. I'm trying to stay calm and patient, but I'm also going through a lot of life changes at the moment and the whole situation is making me very anxious. Talking about how I feel also makes me anxious. I have a tendency to keep everything inside and just live in my head, as I have this very strong fear that if I say anything negative it will make me an unlovable person and I will be abandoned. (I'm still trying to work out why this is, and this isn't specific to my relationship with him). However, I'm trying to be braver about speaking out about my feelings, and trusting that it's ok for me to express them, and I won't be left alone.

Anyway, two days ago he ghosted me after we had made plans and I ended up having to lie to the people we were meeting, who were expecting him. When he resurfaced I was able to tell him (for the first time) about how hard it is for me dealing with the anxiety as to whether he will show up or not, and of being caught out in a lie if I cover for him and then he does something unexpected. And he was able to acknowledge that, and agreed to give me at least some kind of a heads up in the future, which was actually great progress. However, we then went on to have a longer conversation, where I told him how difficult the last year has been, and how the change in his circumstances is unsettling for me too, Or, I say "we had a conversation" but actually it was more like I talked and he literally froze. This isn't new - it's how he reacts in stressful situations. He plays possum, becomes completely still and silent and non-responsive. And he will stay like that until the talk veers into less emotionally charged topics and then he comes back to life. He looks like he is asleep, but I noticed this time that his jaw was really tense. And so part of me just feels terrible at putting him into that state.

I do feel a little better that at least I was able to share my feelings, but at the same time, I have so many questions and they are still all unanswered. I don't know if it's better to have shared so at least he knows what is going on with me (even if I don't know what is going on with him), or if it's a sign that it's obviously just too much to handle at the moment? The optimistic part of me hopes that at least if he knows, he can process when he's ready, but the other part of me is scared that we will never be able to have a conversation. If it's overwhelm, it doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't care about my feelings, or maybe doesn't even want to respond, right? It's more that he can't, and maybe he doesn't feel good about that either?

As an aside we were able to talk about the summer where he wouldn't speak to me for a month, but oddly he only remembers not speaking to me for a weekend. I can't tell if I'm being gaslighted, or if time moves differently when he is disassociating?

I don't know if would be healthier for both of us if I was better at talking about things, or if the only reason we've lasted so long is because I have a hard time talking about things, and he has a hard time hearing them!

As another aside, although I am 99% sure he is dealing with CPTSD he hasn't been diagnosed and in my head I have these fantasy conversation where we talk about it, and he is like "oh that's what it is! Let me go to therapy" but in reality he would probably freeze at best?

I love him, but I'm also anxious, and lonely at the moment.

 

[Movingforward10]

When he freezes like that, is he aware he does it? What does he think about it? Do he want to behave differently or does he feel there is nothing for him to address?

It sounds very difficult for you. And for him. I can't imagine he is happy either. Answering your questions: only way to know is to ask him?

Problem is, unless he wants to change this isn't going to change.
. it's good you recognise your fear of being abandoned. But he is already abandoning you in this relationship. You are allowed to set out your needs.
.if he stays like this, do you want this relationship?
What needs to change for you to be happy in it?
You should be able to voice your needs in a relationship.

 

[Lost in the Woods]

I freeze like that particularly with the people I love most. I was prescribed buspirone for emotional dysregulation and the freezes have not occurred since I started taking it. Also there is a big benefit talking about it.

 

[Notgoodatnames]

You should be able to voice your needs in a relationship.

Thank you for your reply. I agree, and I think this struggle is partly about me finding my voice, although obviously the freezing makes it more difficult.

.if he stays like this, do you want this relationship?

There will always be days where the answer to this is "no" but mostly for now, it is still "yes". I think I have to be brave enough to keep trying for now and see where that gets us.

 

[Notgoodatnames]

I freeze like that particularly with the people I love most

Thank you for sharing that! I think my biggest fear is that I don't matter.

I would like to talk to him about why he freezes, and if he is aware of it, but I'm afraid that that might cause him to freeze too. This time, after telling him how I felt, I basically said to him that there is a lot happening this year and that I wanted him to be on boards, and I suggested (not confrontationally) that I had said all I needed to say so if the conversation had been too much, he could leave, or otherwise we could go upstairs and spend some time together, and he chose the latter. I thought that maybe by giving him a way to nonverbally answer it might make things easier on him?

 

[Lost in the Woods]

I think he needs to understand what is happening. For me, that was the turning point towards healing. My wife and I are currently living apart and doing counseling. We have talked about this a lot. I have asked her to gently tell me when she thinks I am getting dysregulated.

 

[Notgoodatnames]

I think he needs to understand what is happening

I think that would be great. I'm not sure yet how to get there but I hope we can.

My wife and I are currently living apart and doing counseling. We have talked about this a lot. I have asked her to gently tell me when she thinks I am getting dysregulated

I wish the best to both of you. I feel like all anyone can hope for is a partner who is willing to put the work in. To me, these days, that is the most romantic thing in the world. Being fully vulnerable with someone is terrifying, but I just want to try and be honest and get honesty in return.

 

[Lost in the Woods]

There is a test, I think it is called PCL5, which is used for diagnosing PTSD. I scored 64 out of 80. I believe for a civilian 44 is a positive diagnosis and 50 for military. Perhaps that is something that could be used to open him up a little. I was diagnosed 2 weeks before my wife decided we needed to live apart. I didn’t really look into it until then. I was on such an emotional rollercoaster I started wondering if emotions could become dysregulated so I google emotional dysregulation and what I found was an emotional biography of my life. It was truly stunning. Since then, almost 6 months ago, my life has been totally dedicated to healing myself.

 

[Sues]

I freeze and disassociate when overwhelmed and triggered. When I was with my abuser, I would often freeze while he yelled/lectured/demanded things at/of me. I just told myself in my head to just put up with it and stand there and take it and then it will end (he will eventually stop). It would make it worse, and he would get angry that I didn't say anything, but when I did say something, that made it worse too.

I realize this is not what's going on in your situation, but maybe it can shed some light on what might possibly be going on in your partner's head.

CPTSD has also screwed with my memory, short term and long term. Sometimes I remember something and then forget it again. I say again, because it happens more than once with a memory. When I remember it again, I can remember that I remembered it previously. It's freaking weird, but so is my messed up brain. PTSD causes fragmented memories.

 

[Charbella]

It means he’s been pushed into fight or flight. Which sends most of us into looking for an exit. I can stay silent despite rage brewing within. I can also dissociate until the threat is over. Usually that means staying away from the person who triggered it for awhile. Mainly because I don’t feel safe around them and I’m unable to voice it.

You might try communicating in writing. Of If I care enough to repair the problem that’s how I usually handle my silence. Email, text, whatever. I wasn’t allowed a voice in my trauma because there were consequences for talking back. So when I’m pushed by someone I care about or an authority figure silence is my go to. I get all in my head if I’m trying to communicate and rehearse what I might say in a million ways until it’s too late to say it because the other person has moved forward in the conversation assuming I’m just listening. My therapist worked on yes no responses to bring me back around once my silence started. It’s helpful, softening your tone when you know you have something hard to discuss can help, so can a list of things you want to talk about. Ask him how to talk to him and be prepared to give him breaks in that conversation.

 

[Notgoodatnames]

I freeze and disassociate when overwhelmed and triggered. When I was with my abuser, I would often freeze while he yelled/lectured/demanded things at/of me. I just told myself in my head to just put up with it and stand there and take it and then it will end (he will eventually stop). It would make it worse, and he would get angry that I didn't say anything, but when I did say something, that made it worse too.

I realize this is not what's going on in your situation, but maybe it can shed some light on what might possibly be going on in your partner's head.

CPTSD has also screwed with my memory, short term and long term. Sometimes I remember something and then forget it again. I say again, because it happens more than once with a memory. When I remember it again, I can remember that I remembered it previously. It's freaking weird, but so is my messed up brain. PTSD causes fragmented memories.

Thank you for sharing that, and I'm so sorry you had to go through it.

I don't know all the details of what my partner went through as a child. Sometimes he shares bits and pieces but I try to stay neutral so he can take it at his own pace. I do think it's a response to something, and maybe even he doesn't know exactly what. At one point in the conversation I said something about wishing I knew what he thought or felt, and he muttered something about how he wished that too.

It means he’s been pushed into fight or flight. Which sends most of us into looking for an exit. I can stay silent despite rage brewing within. I can also dissociate until the threat is over. Usually that means staying away from the person who triggered it for awhile. Mainly because I don’t feel safe around them and I’m unable to voice it.

You might try communicating in writing. Of If I care enough to repair the problem that’s how I usually handle my silence. Email, text, whatever. I wasn’t allowed a voice in my trauma because there were consequences for talking back. So when I’m pushed by someone I care about or an authority figure silence is my go to. I get all in my head if I’m trying to communicate and rehearse what I might say in a million ways until it’s too late to say it because the other person has moved forward in the conversation assuming I’m just listening. My therapist worked on yes no responses to bring me back around once my silence started. It’s helpful, softening your tone when you know you have something hard to discuss can help, so can a list of things you want to talk about. Ask him how to talk to him and be prepared to give him breaks in that conversation.

Thank you! That is super helpful information.

I've noticed that he tends to ask for things over text. Like if he wants to come over to my house, even if we've just been together, I'll get a text a few minutes later asking if he can come. After the one-sided conversation we had the other night, he called me the next day and talked for an hour - about surface level things - but it was unlike him in general, and I think maybe it's him showing that he wants to be connected to me, even if he can't talk about things that aren't safe.

Talking about meaningful stuff via text is terrifying to me, as I struggle sometimes when I can't get an emotional read off someone, and also because it feels really vulnerable to write stuff down, because then it's just permanently out there. When I feel brave enough to try again I'll try and ask him how it would help him to communicate