ED My post traumatic stress triggers my eating disorder

[McCray]

I have been a girl of many different sizes. When I was 8 i got sexually abused. From there the weight kept coming on. Until age 14 i was 230 pounds with a BMI of 39 (35 is morbidly obese!). I am now 17 and 134 pounds.

But..it just is not enough for me. I want to weigh less. Due to my psychiatric issues among other disorders I have a large team of doctors. One who is more focused in specifically my weight loss and was the one who originally had me set out to lose the weight I did is very concerned. She said if I am under 130 in September I will be forced to visit a specialist. Recently I was put on Zoloft which makes me lose weight...but I want to be under 130. I know I can't get better if I do not want to. I just really have no interest in maintaining my current weight

I have a wonderful group of friends. One in particular pushes me to eat. Yesterday I stayed the night at his house, he was very saddened to see I have gotten skinnier. He prefers I be around 140. I love him and having his company. I would do anything to spend time with him, but I do not know how to explain my eating disorder or what it feels like. I wish I could spend time with him and not eat. But I am not allowed to have both. He insists I eat candy and Wendy's and other crap and if I decline he gets upset with me. When we are on the phone he asks me to eat certain things, and I usually can not bring myself to. I feel forced to lie in these situations. It feels as though I have to choose between pleasing him and being happy with my body. Why can't I just have both!?!

I often link the eating issues to post traumatic stress. When i developed this disorder is when i gained the weight. Now i want to be far away as possible from who I was. I feel when I don't eat..I am in control of my situation. I am earning back that control that I lost during sexual abuse. Now I feel both my post traumatic stress and my eating disorder hurts the friend I love so dearly and I am not sure what to do :(

 

[anthony]

@mycray I tend to agree that your friend is going about this the wrong way. Forcing you to eat doesn't solve your eating problem, and eating candy and rubbish doesn't solve anything either.

Tell me... why don't you want to eat?

It is a simple question, and I believe you know the answer.

 

[McCray]

I don't want to eat because i have a very strange concept about food and weight. It is kind of like money. Where the more I save and the lower my weight is the more pounds I have to spare. I won't "spend" those pounds unless it is absolutely necessary. On another note Zoloft has destroyed my appetite which has made this eating disorder far worse recently

 

[anthony]

Ok, firstly, the recommendations for Zoloft for the rare few who are severely affected by weight loss from taking it, are recommended to cease taking it. Your first course of action in all of this is to see your psychiatrist and have them change your medication.

Ok... now your thoughts.

There is nothing strange IMO about food and weight. Whilst your logic is sort of correct, you're choosing to only use one aspect of the full logic, being that if you save too much weight, then your body shuts down and you die. If you put on too much weight, as you've experienced, you create another health issue on the opposite spectrum, and thus can die from obesity.

You have to find the fine balance between the two, which is healthy. Something you have to teach yourself is that the extreme of either spectrum equals death.

Do you feel that you're more attractive at your current weight? Do you feel more popular with others? What societal affects does being so skinny give you, if any?

You say you feel in control when you don't eat. What control do you have by not eating exactly?

 

[McCray]

I feel more attractive at the weight I am right now..but even better when I was 130. However my ribs sticked out at that weight, and a sick part of me enjoys that. I like when I can see my ribs and my hip bones sticking out. I know that sounds awful :/

I've never been very "social" to the outside world. I have my good 3 or so friends and that's about it. I prefer my small group of friends though. I wouldn't say I am more popular when I lose weight..However people become very concerned

When I stop eating I feel I can control what I way!That seems to be the only aspect of my life that I can control

 

[Chava]

I had to be treated separately for my eating disorder (specialist doctor, therapist, nutritionist). But I can relate to the feelings of control you get. Although it really controls you at some point, like an addiction, sorry if that's a cliché you've probably heard a hundred times. Are you looking for other ways to feel like you have some control in your life? Other goals you can work towards? I know my control issues really were focused on my body because that's where the chaos had been. Staying underweight helped me subdue all the feelings I could not handle. I did get to a healthy weight and felt terrible in every way. That's when I went to a trauma specialist...so we could work on the intense range of feelings, all the energy that had been subdued by eating disorder was now locked into chronic pain. So we worked a lot on how I could learn how to listen to my body, relearn cues, respond in a kind and responsible way, etc. It has been very helpful (somatic therapist, like Somatic Experiencing).

For me, Pilates feels really helpful. It takes a lot of concentration and effort and makes me feels powerful. Principles of Pilates include things like "concentration", "precision". "control"....so seems like something so perfect I could over do it. But you can't really. It's not a calorie burning mindless method. You really work on getting to know your body, respect it, and feel inspired by strength.

Part of my eating disorder helped me blot out the rest of my existence. I didn't have to deal with anything because my eating disorder was my non-stop crisis. With my trauma, I think I very easily fell into constant physical crisis...and that felt normal. It simplified my life. I couldn't bother with relationships or other stresses...I just focused on my eating disorder and let it consume all of my attention.

So, if you haven't already, maybe push yourself to expand your life in new ways....try a new class, start a new project....pull your attention into something else for a while. And look out for other things that can help you feel control....maybe martial arts like karate, yoga, etc.

It's hard. Keep in good touch with your therapy people and honest about your fears and concerns so they can help you find new solutions. As you get older, nobody gives a damn what you weigh. They also don't care if you're popular. But with my friends having their own kids, I'm less popular because of my needs and crisises sometimes. Others wear out on our self-destruction fast. For the friends I manage to have, it's only because I was friendly and funny and interesting. And if anything, they resent that I am thin. But mostly, it's meaningless past about age 20...more so as people get into their 20s. You have to give your whole self a chance to develop and not be hidden and squandered beneath your eating disorder....but I know it takes time and it's a battle. Hang in there.

 

[anthony]

That seems to be the only aspect of my life that I can control

Maybe that is the issue right there? You feel as though your life is out of your control, yet want to really feel in control of something, so your weight is that thing? Again... this is your life, so I'm not judging. You are the one affected, not me.

Do you want to change, or are you happy the way you are?

Do you feel you really are in control of atleast a healthy you, even though under-weight?