imb4ur1973
New Here
Hi I'm 43, Father of 5, just this last October of 2015. I was diagnosed with not only 1 disorder but 6. I am already physically disabled, I have 4 spinal diseases, which have resulted in 14 bad spinal disks, direct result of work place injury that progressively worsened from 2000-currently. Back to October, I was struggling through life as many of us do, but I finally had enough and went in to find out why. To my suprise I was diagnosed with the follow 6 disorders which I've had for 38 years undiagnosed until now. Due to violence/drugs/abuse/abandonment/ in the home as a child
1. Major PTSD
2. Major Depression
3. Unspecified Anxiety
4. Anti-Social Personality
5. Passive-Aggressive personality
6. Complex Trauma
It would seem to many that the spinal issues alone are enough, because eventually soon I will lose my legs for good because of them. That mental stress is a lot and overbearing at times. Much like the flare ups my spine has my brain does to. I still can't tell you all my triggers and there's a lot of them, but I'm trying. I even have a ESA, which helps tons.
Everything that's lead me to this point is water under the bridge I can't change that. None of us can. But it still sucks.
Recently I tried taking on a cash side job, in effort to face the antisocial part, kill my boredom and feel part of the world again.
I divulged my disorder of having PTSD to the boss the first meeting we had and that I had a service dog who would be with me. I expressly addressed the issue of no matter how bad I screw up don't yell because it will trigger me and we don't want to go down that road. To this he said he could do it, so I went to work, as with any new job until you learn it you will make mistakes until you master the job or receive enough training to do things right. That is not the case here. He complained about my ESA even though my dog is in classes to qualify him as a full service dog once my legs go. He's always leashed and wearing his vest to identify him as a service animal. He tried using his breed against his as to why I couldn't have him with. I told him you can't tell an asthmatic to not have an asthma attack or leave there inhalers at home. He then complained it could cost him customers. Really cuz the public schools are going to complain about a man delivering wood chips with a service dog to the playgrounds that make it safe for kids to play. The first two times I made mistakes my brain rationalized that ok I screwed up but I learned. But boss man decided to raise his voice and yell, the first time it happened I felt bad even shameful for my mistake. But the other day I had court which is stressful enough well I went back to work that day after court. I had one small issue before the end of my day which started at 4am and didn't end until 11:30 that night. The next morning I slept in a bit, and called the boss. He immediately started yelling and screaming and bitchin at me first thing in the morning, so I hung up on his ass. I felt my triggers being hit, I waited till much later in the day to retalk with him, but again he went on the attack raising his voice and yelling, he then accused me of something I hadn't done which was my last straw. So I after telling him this conversation was done and to not yell at me he said he didn't care cuz he's the boss. So I said lastly this conversation is going nowhere and I'm done with it and hung up. Now he's blaming me for him being behind and bad mouthing me. I'm also afraid he won't pay me the wages I've earned.
The worst is all the flashbacks and replays my mind continues to have once triggered, it causes me to have mean, evil, vindictive, hateful thoughts which I don't like. The worst is all someone has to do is mention his name and my blood boils. Thoughts like these I know I can't act on but there are moments when I'm triggerd I could very well say f@ck it and follow thru. Fortunately that's not who I am. But for 38 years it's exactly what and who people thought I was and the battles in my head are difficult. I know there are many of you out there like or even not but still suffering. I hope you all the best. I may not know how or what to say but I wish no one ever had to suffer from anything.
Side note: finding out what is wrong with me made perfect sense after reading about my disorders, that was the easy part. Looking back at 38 years of friendships and relationships and jobs I lost because of this was very tough to swallow. I've had to walk away from everyone and everything I've ever known because none of those who have known me believe this is true. They think I'm either faking it or lying. None of them are willing to try and learn what's going on. And then you get the ones who compare everything else and everyone else to you and say it's not that bad, you'll be fine there's people who are much more worse than you. Really??? Or I love you and I'm here for you but they never visit or call. Or care to involve themselves.
Sorry I really don't have a point just needed to share somethings for my own self, anyways I read a lot of posts and I see lots of support and ideas here and concern for the other person so thanks
1. Major PTSD
2. Major Depression
3. Unspecified Anxiety
4. Anti-Social Personality
5. Passive-Aggressive personality
6. Complex Trauma
It would seem to many that the spinal issues alone are enough, because eventually soon I will lose my legs for good because of them. That mental stress is a lot and overbearing at times. Much like the flare ups my spine has my brain does to. I still can't tell you all my triggers and there's a lot of them, but I'm trying. I even have a ESA, which helps tons.
Everything that's lead me to this point is water under the bridge I can't change that. None of us can. But it still sucks.
Recently I tried taking on a cash side job, in effort to face the antisocial part, kill my boredom and feel part of the world again.
I divulged my disorder of having PTSD to the boss the first meeting we had and that I had a service dog who would be with me. I expressly addressed the issue of no matter how bad I screw up don't yell because it will trigger me and we don't want to go down that road. To this he said he could do it, so I went to work, as with any new job until you learn it you will make mistakes until you master the job or receive enough training to do things right. That is not the case here. He complained about my ESA even though my dog is in classes to qualify him as a full service dog once my legs go. He's always leashed and wearing his vest to identify him as a service animal. He tried using his breed against his as to why I couldn't have him with. I told him you can't tell an asthmatic to not have an asthma attack or leave there inhalers at home. He then complained it could cost him customers. Really cuz the public schools are going to complain about a man delivering wood chips with a service dog to the playgrounds that make it safe for kids to play. The first two times I made mistakes my brain rationalized that ok I screwed up but I learned. But boss man decided to raise his voice and yell, the first time it happened I felt bad even shameful for my mistake. But the other day I had court which is stressful enough well I went back to work that day after court. I had one small issue before the end of my day which started at 4am and didn't end until 11:30 that night. The next morning I slept in a bit, and called the boss. He immediately started yelling and screaming and bitchin at me first thing in the morning, so I hung up on his ass. I felt my triggers being hit, I waited till much later in the day to retalk with him, but again he went on the attack raising his voice and yelling, he then accused me of something I hadn't done which was my last straw. So I after telling him this conversation was done and to not yell at me he said he didn't care cuz he's the boss. So I said lastly this conversation is going nowhere and I'm done with it and hung up. Now he's blaming me for him being behind and bad mouthing me. I'm also afraid he won't pay me the wages I've earned.
The worst is all the flashbacks and replays my mind continues to have once triggered, it causes me to have mean, evil, vindictive, hateful thoughts which I don't like. The worst is all someone has to do is mention his name and my blood boils. Thoughts like these I know I can't act on but there are moments when I'm triggerd I could very well say f@ck it and follow thru. Fortunately that's not who I am. But for 38 years it's exactly what and who people thought I was and the battles in my head are difficult. I know there are many of you out there like or even not but still suffering. I hope you all the best. I may not know how or what to say but I wish no one ever had to suffer from anything.
Side note: finding out what is wrong with me made perfect sense after reading about my disorders, that was the easy part. Looking back at 38 years of friendships and relationships and jobs I lost because of this was very tough to swallow. I've had to walk away from everyone and everything I've ever known because none of those who have known me believe this is true. They think I'm either faking it or lying. None of them are willing to try and learn what's going on. And then you get the ones who compare everything else and everyone else to you and say it's not that bad, you'll be fine there's people who are much more worse than you. Really??? Or I love you and I'm here for you but they never visit or call. Or care to involve themselves.
Sorry I really don't have a point just needed to share somethings for my own self, anyways I read a lot of posts and I see lots of support and ideas here and concern for the other person so thanks
