My Relationship Problems... :(

[sisu]

My issues seem to involve relationships - both romantic and non romantic. I have lots of friends, but very few that know me well. I always keep people at an arms length by using my sense of humor. I am at a real loss right now because I feel like after this most recent break-up my sense of humor is gone. I am so raw and empty that I just cannot be anything but me - and right now that person isn't so wonderful.

I have felt so emotionally abandoned my whole life that I have steel reinforced walls of protection that surround me as a form of self preservation. These walls are such a hinderance to me, yet I am so afraid to let them crumble. Every non family member I let in past the walls has left me and hurt me. Going into a new relationship I fully expect to be dumped and for it to be unsuccessful. I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. It wasn't until a few years ago, while talking to my cousin, that I learned that not everyone feels like this. I was floored. I just figured everyone felt this way and that I was no different than anyone else.

Gotta go...will finish more soon...

 

[anthony]

I think you may find it is a common feeling in females, though certainly not all. Females are much more emotional than males. Statistically, females are more prone to be abused than males, and statistically by males... so nobody can exactly blame many women for the feelings they have, especially when they have been abandoned / left to feel that way for much of their life. Parents are not created equal, and your childhood has a lot to do with how you will cope with rejection and such as an adult.

I have certainly done my damage to females self-esteem and such over the years, until I matured further and worked my own shit out. Once I had me worked out I found I could be more honest with others to what I like, don't like. Maybe you need to find 'you' before trying to include anyone else within your life?

 

[sisu]

Exactly, and that is what I am working on - finding "me". This outlet is helping a lot, I am reading tons of different self help books and looking into counseling again. Writing my thoughts out and getting outside feeback is really cathartic. I am not dating, nor looking to date anyone right now. I know how it would go down because I am not whole right now.

Another thing that greatly effected me as a child is our neighbor, an old man who lived right across the street from us with his wife. He came over and talked to my parents from time to time, so I knew him. I didn't know his wife very well but she seemed very nice - like a grandmother. One day when I was about 6 years old, I was outside playing and the wife asked me if I wanted to come over for a fresh baked cookie. Uh, yes! What kid doesn't like cookies? So I went over and the man lifted me up and set me on the dining room table. He then proceeded to lay me back and remove my underpants and fondle me. I just looked over at the wife and she said he would be done in a minute. Tears were streaming down my face and I was so scared. She tricked me and he was doing stuff to me I didn't like. I was finally released and I ran home. I told my parents, but quickly behind me was the man - he denied everything and my parents just told him to leave our family alone. I was never validated, it was never talked about again and I was forever changed. I had forgotten all about it until I was in my early 20's and the memories started flooding back. My parents say they don't remember, but I remember it too clearly for it not to be true.

My trust was violated that day by the neighbors and my parents.

 

[kahlan]

Everyone leaves...I get that. Also not having close friends but many acquaintances from keeping everyone at a safe distance.

What your neighbor did is horrible and to have his wife complicit is mind boggling! Therapy is good for helping you resolve those types of issues if you have the right therapist. Right now I have a new one so its slow going and I'm not sure he's right for me. My last was amazing but no longer accepts my insurance and I can't afford out of pocket :(

What really, I think, sucks about having trust issues out the wazoo, is that when you do begin to break through those barriers and the person leaves(not necessarily because of you but their own issues) it just reinforces that belief that no one sticks around. I'm still working this out myself :s. I know what's wrong just can't figure out how to fix it! It does help, me at least, to know someone else is going on a similar journey and that gives me some strength! (Apologies if I'm a little all over the place I saw your thread while preparing to make a post so my thoughts are a little scattered)

 

[sisu]

What really, I think, sucks about having trust issues out the wazoo, is that when you do begin to break through those barriers and the person leaves(not necessarily because of you but their own issues) it just reinforces that belief that no one sticks around.

YES! This! How can I ever heal if everyone that I have ever let past my barrier has left me? The only thing I can think of doing is working on being so whole that I won't NEED anyone, so anyone who comes into my life is just the icing on the cake. Now to figure out how to do this... (plus I need to get a better "picker" - I don't make the best choices in men)

Even though I know 100% it would be a bad idea to go back to my ex-bf, and even though I know 100% this heartbreak would happen again at some point - there is still a part of me that would go back if he asked. I am embarrassed to admit that. Its almost like a suicide mission. I know the outcome will be total heart destruction, but I'd do it anyway. What is wrong with me? Its not so much that I don't want to be alone, although that may be part of it. I think I must have a skewed idea as to what love really is.

Growing up I was never told by my parents that I was smart, pretty, beautiful, etc. Nothing like that. On the way to my senior pictures, my mom said I looked pretty. I told her thank you and cried the whole way to the photographers and had to re-do my make-up. She had never told me that before and when I heard those words I lost it. Another time I asked my dad what charisma meant. He told me what it meant and then I asked him if I had charisma. He told me no. I was crushed.

As I became and adult and was out on my own more when people would compliment me, I would immediately say "stop" or laugh it off knowing that they had to be kidding. About 5 years ago I ran into an old co-worker and we were talking about our old boss. This boss was really mean to me for no apparent reason. This co-worker said, remember the boss was so mean to you back then, I said yes it was awful - she said it was because the boss was so intimidated by you because you are so beautiful. What?!? How could that be?

I still get compliments on my looks and apparently I am beautiful to others. I have spent my whole damn life thinking I was an uncharismatic troll because that is what I was raised to think.....and to find out in my 40's that this isn't true. What as waste. And now I have a hard time seeing the beauty in myself because I am so programmed not to see it.

 

[anthony]

Women have some tough issues IMO that get handed down generationally... and there was a movie (He's Just Not That Into You) that reflected this perfectly in a comedic way. A little boy throws dog poo at a little girl, she goes over to her mother crying and asks why, and she tells her daughter that means he likes her.

I think a lot of parents with good intentions cause an ongoing issue with their daughters into adulthood as a result. Then you just have the screwed up parents who make bad choices that compound women's issues as they develop. Before you know it, she's on a stripper pole and various other poles due to daddy issues.

I often wonder the truth about male / female species creation... because you just want to go slap the person responsible for the messed up logic and methodologies inherited and learnt.

@sisu please don't worry about the future though, as that can be just as destructive as worrying about your past with too much focus. You might date 100 guys who all leave you, but you will find one who won't, and wants to just be with you for who you are. Even as a guy I used to think that I was just damaged, screwed up, and would not be able to find someone that I actually just wanted to be with without all the pretentious nonsense that goes on in dating, then as you settle into a relationship. When I met Nicolette and I was really firm on honesty and not trying to please her by saying or doing something that wasn't me, and I wanted her to do the same thing... because all my experience has taught me that the honeymoon period is adding a layer of honeycomb as the foundation for the relationship... just waiting to crumble.

I took a different approach, and she was open and honest about likes and dislikes and who she was as a person, and six years later I still feel the same as those early days about her. That has never been the case prior. The right person with the right approach and the relationship left alone to develop if warranted with no false nonsense.

The moral is that you may fail 100 times, but eventually you will succeed.

 

[sisu]

Ha! That movie is funny - and I actually remember my mom saying that a boy was being mean to me because he like me. Or a girl was being mean to me because she was jealous. I (thankfully) figured out that was bullsh*t that I didn't want to tell my kids - however for myself it may be deep rooted in there somewhere...

I used to live in the "right now" and it was great. I am struggling with that at the moment because my "right now" kinda sucks right now. My past is not good and the future scares me. I am working on getting back to the "right now" again. I think it will help me a lot.

I am also struggling with this thought......when I love someone and am in a relationship with them, I accept them for who they are 100%. I don't want to or try to change them. I appreciate who they are as a person - flaws and all. But I think that this thought process is where I take a wrong turn. Because I feel this way and am very laid back/passive, I probably accept too much stuff that I shouldn't. I just move on and don't worry about those things. I need to be more assertive in MY needs. I still don't want to change anyone - but I just want to be more confident in my needs so I can communicate them. It IS okay for me to have needs to. (I have to keep telling myself this)

 

[sisu]

To add to the above post -

My ex-bf (J) was not a horrible person (I know I have bashed him a lot). I wouldn't have stayed with him for so long if he was. He was actually quite kind and caring most of the time. When we were together it was mostly at his house as he felt the safest there. Because it was his house, he always like to cook and take care of me. He would have dinner ready for when I arrived at his house - and have my favorite wine or some other favorite ready as well. He would wake me up in the morning by bringing me a cup of coffee exactly the way I like it. He was very affectionate and always held my hand in public - was also not afraid of any public displays of affection. We had a similar sense of humor and had plenty of good laughs. We really truly had fun together and always had a good time. I have never seen him angry, he has never yelled at me, I have really never seen any negative behavior from him except the surprise breakups.

The flip side of this is communication. He was awful at this and I wasn't much better with him. Well, I could have been better but I knew how bad he was and I knew his reaction to anything negative that I have to say would be to break up. I don't even know how to explain this ~ so I'll give an example. When we dated for the first time everything seemed amazing - we talked about the future and we talked about us and our children, etc. but one night when I spoke more serious about the future, not naming a specific span of time or anything ~ I just said at some point I thing I want to be married again. Well, apparently that was it, he realized at that moment he wasn't ready for marriage again after 2 failed marriages so he had an epiphany that I would do better with someone else as he would never be what I needed. What?!? I didn't ask him to marry me, I wasn't even talking about us specifically getting married, I just simply said, "at some point in my life I think I would like to be married again." So he broke up with me and I didn't see it coming - it was ugly - we didn't speak for 2 years. Nothing. No emails, phone calls, texts, nothing. It was stupid and it never made sense to me.

We reconnected through facebook after 2 years and both seemed to be in a different place. The first time we dated I had been divorced for about 1 year and he had been divorced for about 3 months. I was barely ready for a new relationship and I was probably rebound girl for him. But we had a connection - I can't describe it. But you know it if you have it with someone. And because we were both in a different place and for me marriage is not something I am willing to entertain until my kids graduate high school. They are so successful right now that I am not willing to do anyting to jeopardize this. Anyway, we were together for the last 3 years. I was already gun shy to bring up anything major with him because of the first ugly break up. Luckily nothing big really came up - we are both busy single parents and only saw each other when we didn't have our kids. This was a couple weekends a month and one weekday each week. So not a whole lot. He is kind of needy and would call me many times per day - like some days 7-8 times. Sometimes it was annoying and sometimes I liked to feel that loved. But because I was gun shy, I didn't bring up any small issues either and I knew that he was such a bad communicator that he wouldn't either.

It was as if I was living in my worst case scenario. I needed to be able to communicate but I knew if I did then he would get mad and be gone again. But if I didn't communicate then I would be upset and well, you know... not a good situation. IF we had been able to communicate, then I am sure we would still be together. Even now, I am not 100% why we are not together as he was unable to clearly communicate this, but I know until he can comminicate then no relationship he is in will be successful.

I'm not even sure how to fix that, if I can fix that, if it can be fixed with therapy (I'm talking about his poor communication here).

I can commincate my needs and I can listen to others needs - I would much rather know the truth than guess what they are thinking. But when I know someones reaction then I get scared to communicate my needs. I couldn't trust his reaction, so I never said anything about things that I should have spoke up about....

I'm learning.....

 

[anthony]

IMO, I think both of you are probably at some fault because you knew the issue existed and avoided it, hoping something would change between last time and this time, and most of the issue lay with him because his response to discussing anything tough would be leaving. I don't like discussing some tough things at times with PTSD, and I may walk away and think about something for a day or two, then respond to Nicolette... but at the end of the day, I know the issue isn't going away so I'm forced to communicate because my other option is the relationship breaking down.

He had a choice, as did you... and there is fault in both as I see it... but yes, he wears most of it for a failure to communicate. You just stepped around it hoping it wouldn't be an issue again, though obviously it was.

Fixing is an action when something is broken, needs change, so forth. It has limitations, which in the case of human behaviour, stops with the person who has to change. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. The horse has to choose to drink. Humans are the same... if a person needs to change, you can highlight it to them, you can give them a range of possible solutions, but at the end of the day the buck stops with them. It is they who need to accept they must change by choosing something.

We aren't always in need of fixing, but we may need to make a choice due to another we love, and our choice is based on pleasing them, not us. Another choice is accepting the sacrifice you're about to make and not using it as collateral later against the person. You choose to change, or not to change, and we all have that choice for everything we do.

Sisu, you're not the only one who prefers the truth. I don't read between the lines well... thus the truth works best for me. The reason I don't read between the lines well is because I don't guess into what others are saying, and that is something I chose to change about myself. No interpreting or reading between the lines, instead just give it to me direct and I will do the same. I tend to function a lot better that way, and anyone around me who doesn't like it, well... they choose to stay or go.

It's funny about the 'right now' though, as when the present does suck, we often look for happier times elsewhere in ourselves. Go figure! :rolleyes:

 

[sisu]

Yes, I did go back into the relationship knowing that it is possible his communication skills would be the same. I was also too afraid to be rejected again by him so I didn't test his communication skills too much during the relationship. I own those things.

In my relationships - any of them with all people - I need to feel some self-worth. I need to gain that self-worth inside of me somehow. With my childhood and failed romantic relationships, my self-worth is nearly nil. Both my marriage and this last long relationship resulted in not only suprise endings, but both men had no desire to work on the issues. Now granted both of them had their own set of issues that needed to be faced, but damn - I just wanted to feel like I was worth the effort.

In my friendships, I only let people so close to me and tend to keep them outside the wall of protection. When they leave it doesn't hurt as bad because they had not gotten past the walls. I don't like this about me, but I don't know how to change it.

I feel like an island as I go through life. They only people are through the wall are my family - especially my children. I'm not sure if this is normal or not. Do most people have walls of protection up? I can almost feel my walls around me. Sometimes I think I feel too much - that I care too much. I'm not sure. These are things I am in process of figuring out.

 

[anthony]

No arguments here... people have to own their own stuff, and if they didn't want to work on fixing their own shit, then that is their fault and they own those aspects. Been there myself... totally ignorant and went through relationships because I was an ignoramus. Took me some years to work that out for myself based on whether I want something or not. Even if they didn't want you... that is still their issue and not yours. You can only do so much, then the rest is their shit.

Dump all those bad feelings Sisu right at their feet... let them own their own stuff. If that doesn't work... well... just create an "I hate x" website to let the world know. Maybe not the right way... but could be refreshing and cathartic!

 

[sisu]

Ha! An "I hate x" site .... could be funny stuff. If it weren't for my kids, I'd have the ex-husband on my new site already. LOL!!

Well, yesterday was weirdly cathartic. The ex-bf texted me and I responded with an answer that didn't really require another response from him. But he responded anyway and appeared chatty, so I continued to talk to him. We texted for almost 2 hours and then about an hour later he called me. We talked for about an hour and a half. It was catching up on what had been going on, it was about his state of mind and it was also clearing up all of that negative shit I was making up in my own mind. He is 100% disabled with the VA and the Army - his PTSD is a very severe case. He has also been very physically ill and has to get a biopsy next week and is a little scared. He physically & mentally cannot handle a relationship with anyone right now, other than with his kids which is not optional. He doesn't want to be with someone else - he just cannot be with anyone and he handled the break-up poorly.

I told him that he needs to get more counseling once he gets his physical issues taken care of. It was nice to just flat out say what I was thinking instead of holding back in fear he would break up. We are already broken up - so nothing worse can happen. He has an older daughter from his first marriage that will not talk to him - she says she is done with him. (he is obviously not good with any type of relationships) So everytime he tries to call her, she texts me. We chat for a while and he knows this is going on. He wants me to keep talking to her as apparently she needs that connection. My birthday was recently and he and all of his siblings wished me a happy birthday on facebook. Not that this is anything super fancy - but it was nice knowing I wasn't thrown under the bus and his family still liked me. Actually they all apparently like me and know how good I was to their brother. This is the weirdest break up I've ever had.

So as horrible as this might sound....and while its hard knowing how physically and mentally he is struggling, its nice to know that it wasn't me and that he just didn't fall out of love with me. He still loves me, he is just not capable of a romantic relationship period. I feel a little lighter today. (Dang! I feel guilty about feeling better too - I am a mess)