General My Son Brian

[Damiea]

it is amazing what you can feel quitly about!! I remember when my sister died my grandmother later saying it was her fault because she wasn't with all of us when it happened!! her reasoning.. if she had been with us she would have been holding my sister or at least holding her hand.. so being that it would have prevented what had happened!

 

[Kathy]

Yes agreed Damiea, guilt is very powerful and seldom rational!

 

[Jim]

Maybe Jim needs to give himself a kick in the arse and try something that he likely knows will create pain for him. Pain is not always bad, especially if it brings understanding.

Ah kicking me own arse would be quite the magic act! Though I reckon certain female members of the household would volunteer to do it for me! ;-) All joking aside, point taken Anthony. I did do the guilt exercise with my girls. Bloody painful it was. We were all in tears. However. Learned much from it in the end. I will let the wife explain in more detail, once she's up to it.

Jim.

 

[becvan]

I'm glad to hear it's helping (all of YOU!) You should all be proud of yourselves for facing and doing such painful work to heal.

I'm proud of you all.

bec

 

[Kathy]

Thank you Bec. This latest exercise was rather difficult and I am not ready to share about it just yet. However I am pleased Jim joined us, as he needs to do the exercises as much as "the girls" do. :wink:

 

[anthony]

Oh don't worry Jim, I am teaching myself some exercises at present, as my being away from my boys is breaking my heart. I have not been the best lately... I have a lot to do on coming to terms with this one.

 

[Kathy]

Our hearts go out to you Anthony. It cannot be easy not seeing your boys when they are so very little, and changing every day practically as they do at that age. I do hope you are able to see them more in future.

 

[Kathy]

Oh dear, earlier this evening I realized that yesterday was the 6 month anniversary of Brian's death. I have been so occupied with worrying about Evie and Jacob the past few days that I completely forgot. I realize it is silly of me, however I feel like such a bad mother for forgetting. I've been in tears for 2 hours and have nearly made myself ill over it. Am I going to continue to think of him less? Forget him? Oftimes I think I cannot even remember what his voice anymore and that is very distressing.

 

[anthony]

Kathy, IMHO, the best thing for you to do is watch any home movies you may have of Brian, ensure you watch them regularly if needed, ensuring to your own self that he is not forgotten. I think you have pretty good reason to miss something at present with all the issues going on in your household Kathy. Its easy to punish ourselves for our mistakes, its harder to forgive ourselves for others mistakes. Why? Stick with the positives Kathy, human nature and the mind already do enough damage.

 

[Marlene]

Kathy,

My father died on a Monday. For months afterwards I would count the weeks off on Monday. It was my little ritual. Then when I had discovered that I stopped remembering to count the weeks off, I felt like you. I thought I was forgettting to remember my dad. It wasn't true. You can't forget someone you love so much. I did find that as my mind and life became involved with the day to day stuff of living that my last memories of my father (his last week alive) began to be replaced by other memories of earlier, happier times.

Life does go on, the sharp edge of grief dulls a bit as time passes. It sounds like a cliche, but it's true. Don't beat yourself up for your life going on. Brian is still in your heart and in your memories. You'll never forget him.

Hugs
Lisa

 

[Damiea]

I think the truest memory you can ever keep of anyone you love is the feelings you had for them.. the love you feel inside that is associated with this person. I have also done things like make a special photo album dedicated to this person with all my favorate photo's of them and stuff. We never had much vidieo's of my sister or grandmother but I think that would work as the same kind of idea. and I do think remembering all the good times.. like watching movies togeather with the family or going over pictures and laughing over funny times and remembering fun trips ext. will help you remember the good times and keep the image of him that is in your hearts and minds a happy more true image. I think its natural for your mind to want to try and forget the bad times or the tmes you faught and argued or times when he was upset and unhappy.

 

[anthony]

Welll said Lisa. To be perfectly honest Kathy, my brother died 18 years ago and I have not forgotten about him. Yes, I do miss his anniversary of the day he died, though quite honestly, these days I don't see that as a good thing to remember anyway. Instead of me being happy with the memories I have and do think about often with him, I would be depressed because of a day he died. I wish he was still here, though I have the memories and what is most important, when I think about him and miss him I have a picture of him in my room. I go look at the picture, think about the good times had with him, then close him up and put him away until next time.

18 years Kathy and he still lives in my heart, regardless a date to be sad! You already know I agree its not the same as losing your own child, however; the point is that if he is within your heart then a date doesn't matter. Its what's in your heart that matters, what's in your memory, not a date to be sad.

To be perfectly honest if you said to me that you had outright forgotten him, I would agree with you about being sad. If I forgot my brother fullstop, I know I would be and would want someone to tell me so. You haven't forgotten Brian Kathy, you simply forgot a date and what you have going on in your house is pretty good reason to miss something like a date, regardless its significance, you have a lot on your plate Kathy and that you must accept.