General My Son Brian

[Jen]

Take a well deserved rest as often as you can Kathy they will be fine!
Jen

 

[Tammy]

Hi Kathy,
sorry it has been a while. I am going to give you the same response that Alex gives me wheneverI question mymothering skills. "Onlyagood mother worries about whether sheis good or bad!" I personally think itis in the job description to always worry about your abilities.

And as far as the forgetting dates is concerned... My Nana was one of my best friends, shepassed awayon the 24th August 2004and not once have I actually remembered on the date. I have had comments about how I am different and weird on that day, but I have never actually remembered until the next day. I think it is our way of coping in some sick twisted way. I am also well aware of the guilt felt by not remembering!!! I know your grief would be much worse as you lost a son and my thoughts are continually with you and your family. At least you have each other to talk to and lean on...
Tammy

 

[Damiea]

at some point as your children get older they become something more then just "your children" they become your friend also. So in hard times they see you as a mother and look to you for support but also as a friend and wish to help and support you in a more adult mannor.. rather then child-parent it becomes more adult- adult and friend-friend. Just as we here understand the need to vent sometimes and release that pent up emotion eather in yelling or in tears.. part of a loving family is understanding that and not taking personal insult when someone is just upset. Don't add more heart ace and worry to your life right now by trying to be perfect and the strongest.. family is there to lean on in hard times and being a mother its hard to see your children as strong enough and adult enough to understand and be that suport for you.

 

[Kathy]

Thank you once again everyone, I do so appreciate the support and kind thoughts. Tammy, I am relieved to hear someone else thinks of the dates as I do. Evie is like this as well, remembers all dates good and bad, and feels terrible when she forgets. I read somewhere recently that the 3 month, 6 month, 9 month and 1 year marks after a death are typically very difficult for grievers. As we just passed the 6 month mark, that is possibly why we are all having a difficult time at present.

 

[grace5555]

Kathy, I am sorry you are having such a hard time and missing your son so much. I don't know anything "right" to say so I just will say my thoughts and prayers are with you all.

Grace

 

[EmoxxKid]

I want to start off by saying...I am so sorry for your what you went through. I am sorry for your son....For you family and everyone really.

I can't even understand how much that must hurt.

I will keep you in my mind and heart....

Be Blessed,

Geneva

 

[Tammy]

Dear Kathy,
I once read in a book that it takes one year and one day to fully understand that someone has'gone'. Before that time I believe that on the special days (the person's birthday, the first Christmas without them, the first mothers day without them etc) we are still expecting that person to ring or to walk through the door. Although I won't say it gets easier, apparently it does make a difference after that one year and one day... So here's to you and your family getting through that time together.

Tammy

 

[Kathy]

Thank you Grace and Geneva, I appreciate the kind words. My son's death has truly been the worst experience of my life. Previously I thought the shooting involving my brother-in-law's family was the worst. That indeed was most terrible but the pain I feel over my own child dying far surpasses it. I do hope this is the last casualty of my brother-in-law's actions. All the grief in our family appears to be connected to that fateful night. Tammy, thank you for confirming what I had heard/read regarding dates and time. If it takes a year and a day, I suppose we are halfway through. I am hoping the next 6 months will be easier than the previous for all of us.

 

[Jen]

I do believe that you will only go forward now Kathy!:hello:

 

[Kathy]

Thank you Jen I certainly hope you are correct!

I had a most terrible thought about my poor Brian last night, and I felt guilty about it, I felt not to share it here, however best to get it out of my system I suppose. I would tell Evie to do the same thing in her diary, and this thread is like a diary to me. I do hope no one is offended by what I am about to say. My apologies in advance if anyone is; I am truly not making a sweeping statement about PTSD sufferers in general, moreso about my son specifically.

Evie is currently up north with my son Travis, who does not have PTSD. Travis is about as "normal and boring" as they come. :wink: In any event, Evie had some difficulty with feeling homesick after she arrived up north, however Travis has helped her to get through it. Truly he has been very good with her overall. They have become quite close and he has helped her tremendously, especially with her self-esteem.

Now. Evie and Brian were extremely close, they shared a special bond due to both having PTSD. In retrospect however, they often fed off of each other's illness. Brian often enabled Evie's behaviour and vice versa. They spent much time complaining together about the rest of the family, doing foolish things together, which I believe they found fun at the time. They were partners in crime so to speak. Though not so fun now obviously, as Brian is no longer with us.

Though the last 6 months have been difficult for her, Evie has grown tremendously. She has overcome much in her struggles with PTSD. Brian did not wish to receive help for his PTSD, though we were trying to convince him. So my horrible thought is this... if Brian were still with us, would Evie be as far along in her recovery as she is, or would Brian have been a hindrance? Knowing the relationship she and Brian shared, I honestly suspect the latter. Of course I want my dear son back, I do not wish him dead, so this thought is both confusing and shocking to me. That I should even think it makes me feel as a horrible mother all over again. However, after Brian's death, we discovered he had been into hard drugs as well as the drinking. Additionally we had his friend (who also has PTSD) visiting us temporarily, and during that time he offered both Evie and Jacob IV drugs. After Evie told us about it, Jim asked him to leave.

Brian was very protective of Evie however I can't help wondering if in his illness he would, among other things, try to get her to use hardcore drugs with him. As I say I feel terrible for thinking it, and it in no way reflects my love for Brian. But seeing how much more responsible and helpful Travis is with her does make me wonder.

 

[Damiea]

Kathy I would think that you having these thoughts is just a part of your process for dealing with his death. I think it is natural to start seeing outside issues that revolve around him and things that "might have happened" both good and bad. As in any one person.. or any relationship between people.. no one can know for sure what might have happened. Every step someone takes in lifes journey has decisisions they must make.. those choices make each person's path different then any others.. and no one knows what those choices will cause in the future. You can look back and see how some choices caused some things to happen.. and sometimes you can't see the connection. Worrying about all the "what if's" only takes you on a non stop loop of all the tiny little possibilitys that "might" have happened. But its not a bad thing to start seeing all different aspects of Brian's death.. I think its just a step that happens when dealing with it. You just start seeing things that arn't so focused on him personally and his direct death. It doesn't mean you are a bad mother at all to suddenly find these thoughts pop up.

 

[Jim]

Watch it Kathleen - being too hard on yourself once again. Brian was always the "black sheep" of the family. If we are honest - we always had troubles with him. Doesn't mean we love him any less by admitting so. Then or now.

Jim.