General My Son Brian

[Kathy]

I suppose you are both correct however I do feel guilty as I am relieved I needn't worry about him making Evie's situation worse! I know Evie is an adult capable of making her own choices however she looked up to Brian ever so much...

 

[Marlene]

Kathy,

I agree with Damiea that this part of processing and dealing with a death and the grief that goes with it.

For a long time, everyone in the family remembered my father with only the good things. Then reality started creeping back in. I remember, at one point in dealing with my traumas, the thought that if my father were still alive that I wouldn't be as far along in my recovery as I was. I was floored and felt like I was betraying him and his memory. See...my father and my self-esteem are closely tied because no matter how hard I tried, it was never enough with him so it was never enough for me either.

I asked my mom one day in a phone conversation if she thought that if my father had lived, and learned everything that she had learned about my past and what I had been through, did she think that it would have changed him one bit. Even if changing meant helping me. Her response was the same as mine...it wouldn't have happened.

You've gotten past the stage of remembering only the good and are remembering the truth. Big step, that. Tough, but necessary.

Lisa

 

[Deleted member 541]

Kathy,

Brian was human, had his faults... Just like all of us here on this earth. Brian also had PTSD. At the time of his death, he wasn't ready to face his PTSD. So he did what a lot of us here have done. Drugs, booze, humor, and yes sometimes meanness..

Did it make him a bad person...NO!!!!! Absolutely not!!!!!!! It made him a person with PTSD that wasn't ready to face his demons....

Kathy it took me YEARS to face this shit. Years of doing everything that Brian did before I stopped and figured out that life wasn't working for me anymore. Yes I hurt my daughter along they way too. I regret that more than anything in this world... Can I change it???? No!!! I can only try to be a better person today.

Brian didn't get the time Kathy, and he wasn't ready.....He died a man troubled with PTSD.......It doesn't mean that he was a bad person...

Wendy

 

[Kathy]

I don't recall saying Brian was a bad person. I loved Brian, I would do anything to have my son back.

 

[Jen]

Hi Kathy you are having a hard time of it at the moment!
I find it hard to be able to give you advice as your situation is something that I havent experienced and hope I never will. Just know Kathy that we are here for you to give support whenever you need it and I feel that you are very lucky to have your man Jim there with you:smile:

 

[Kathy]

Thank you Jen, I am taking a bit of a break from this thread again, it does get rather difficult at times.

Additionally Evie is returning from her trip later today, and Jacob returns home on Tuesday, so I must prepare myself !

 

[Kathy]

My Grandson's Anxiety

I am still feeling a trifle out of sorts about Brian since my last post, so forgive me for not commenting. For now I wish to speak a little about my grandson Liam, Brian's son. He is turning 5 in a few days, and I am helping to prepare for his party. Since Brian's death he is being raised by my son Travis and his wife Krista. He has settled in quite nicely, he quite likes having 3 other little boys to play with, and he visits Nana, Granddad and Auntie Evie at least twice a week - we are Travis and Krista's free babysitting service ! :rolleyes:

However, he still does remember and miss Brian, and we have never been able to explain to him adequately that Brian is deceased. Honestly I don't believe he fully understands the concept of death. He is continuously telling everyone that Brian is deployed. As a military child he well understands deployment; he believes Brian will be back sometime. Only the other day he was asking, "Nana, when are we going to the airstrip to greet Daddy?" I told him we will not be doing so, as Daddy is gone permanently and will not be returning, however he then argued with me about it and became upset. I believe there is a bit of denial about it going on for him, though I'm uncertain what to do about it. As I say, if we tell him directly that Brian is dead he argues and sometimes throws tantrums. We have taken him to Brian's grave on several occasions, and he did see Brian in his casket, however he still clings to the idea that Brian will come back some day.

Additionally, Liam has become most attached to Travis, which is good, we are pleased about it. However, when Travis has to go away on missions for a few days, Liam inevitably throws a fit. He cannot handle Travis being away. We purchased a fun calendar with stickers for him, to show him when Travis would be coming back and so on. It works somewhat however he still has much anxiety.

I am especially concerned about his upcoming party, as he keeps saying "Maybe Daddy (Brian) will ring me on my birthday". As I say we have talked at length to him about Brian's death, however he still does not grasp the concept totally and denies what has happened. He is too young for therapy, and he is simply grieving. Evie has started doing art therapy with him, where she gets him to draw and talk, and she draws things he requests as well. That seems to help a little bit.

For the most part he is a happy little boy however he does miss his daddy terribly and this is one more reason for me to be angry with Brian for behaving so recklessly.

 

[becvan]

Oh Kathy, that must be so difficult and frustrating for you to watch and experience. I have no clue nor advice on this (out of my scope of experience.) Just vent when you need to..

bec

 

[Kathy]

That is perfectly all right Bec, I do not expect anyone has the answers. As you say venting and writing about such things is most helpful, I certainly do not expect others to solve the situation for me, with Brian's death or anything concerning it. Truly I don't believe there is a solution, moreso just something my family and I must live through. So, I do simply appreciate the support and suggestions of others. Thank you.

 

[Damiea]

It is very hard for children to understand.. I think you are right in that he is in denial and just plan doesn't understand it all. All I can say is when my grandmother died.. we are all a very close family too... my oldest daughter was around that same age and she had a very hard time understanding too. She didn't have the deployment excuse but it did take her a good long time to understand she really wasn't coming back. I think it was a slow process for her to come to terms and figgure it all out in her young mind. This is very different from what you are experiancing seeing as it was a loved grandmother and not a parent. But the same as any person I would think talking and suport and understanding sound like the best bet unless something changes. I do think when he comes to term with it.. and actually cry's and greaves for his father knowing he is gone.. it should get better for him seeing as that would truly let him see Travis and Krista as the people that will alwase be there for him from now on.

 

[Claire]

Hello Kathy, it sounds very hard. Has their been a family pet that Liam has seen die? Or a wild animal? Sometimes a pet mouse or goldfish can be a way of seeing it and understanding, burying it and being sad. The way kids understand stuff like that is so basic. It can be a way of going through the process of understanding what death is.

He's very young so maybe he's just not old eough to fully grasp it yet? The way he is understanding it eg. he's gone away, is quite logical really. Maybe you could look into story books aimed at young children on the subject? Maybe that would be another way of helping him understand?

 

[Jim]

Poor little fella was struggling with missing Brian again today. Got into a fight with Granddad (yours truly) over it. He's a fiesty one. We hunt and live on a farm, so he's seen many dead animals. Doesn't seem to make the connection. Book might be an idea though Claire. Thank you, much appreciated.

Jim.