General My Son Brian

[Damiea]

I was thinking some.. you mentioned you thought he was mostly in denial and that you thought he might understand some? I know sometimes children at that age will start the argument for attention but I know sometimes even with adults an argument is used for venting anger, frustration, fear, all kinds of feelings they are for whatever reason unable to express in other ways. Could it be possible that in the back of his mind he sort of understands and uses fights to argue with everyone to try and convince himself it isn't true? I would think this more possible from an adult.. but you never know. If you just didn't argue with him.. or talk with him when he was having a fight it might change the outbursts he uses to cope with it maybe. Just an idea! I know seeing kids so upset is awfull and it being over such a personal issue must make it harder on all of you.

 

[Tammy]

dear Kathy,
I agree with Clare about the book idea. When I was six years old my favourite uncle passed away. My Mum tried to explain it to me but found herself as a loss for words due to it being her big brother and they were so close. I was in grade one at a catholic school at the time and when my Mum told my teacher, I was taken to the library to find a lot of books on the subject which I read with the teacher! I know it helped me as even today, 16years on I am still in touch with that teacher.

It is so heartbreaking to see a child in pain, as everyone else has said to. Perhaps though for his birthday, someone could write him a card or a letter from his Dad explaining that he is in heaven and is very sorry that he can't be there. SOme people think this is often a bad idea, but maybe it will help your grandson come to terms with it. Just a thought anyway.

I am sorry for the pain you and your family continue to feel.
Tammy

 

[Frankie]

Kathy, I am so sorry for your loss, losing a child is the worst thing that a parent can go through.

I can imagine that you also feel anger and ask yourself why??? and If ??? those are, of course, questions with no answers !

My cousin's son died tragically in a car accident, due to speeding, in July of this year, he was only 18. And I know they are also angry at him !

I can only imagine the pain they are going through and can also imagine your pain as well !

Let me also add that I sense a lot of compassion, love and strength in you and Jim, and your daughter Evie (it is Evie ? right ?) all the hard and painful things you have gone through, and yet here you are sharing your pain and joys and encouraging and supporting others !

Maybe by doing so, it helps your healing process ? I would hope so :) God Bless !

 

[Kathy]

Thank you Frankie, I appreciate your kind words. It is most refreshing to hear from someone who understands the situation so very well! I have been rather sensitive of late. I try not to be, however it is difficult. Allow me to extend my condolences to your cousins for their loss. Yes Evie is my daughter's name, username Batgirl here on the forum. I do hope you are correct, in that being open here helps myself and my family. There are times when I wonder about that very aspect. Thank you again for the encouragement.

 

[Kathy]

Thank you to all for your suggestions regarding Liam, I am most appreciative. Jim and I are planning on finding a book for him, as he loves to read. Additionally Evie offered to write and draw a homemade book for him, she has made several other homemade books for the grandchildren, which are really quite beautiful. Some of them I feel should be submitted to publishers, however obviously I will leave that to Evie, when she feels comfortable.

I apologize for not commenting much in here lately. Travis' birthday yesterday reminded us all once again that Brian is not here to share good times with the family. It was most painful, last night I was very miserable. Additionally, Brian's birthday is coming up in 4 weeks' time, and then Christmas of course. I am not looking forward to the next few weeks.

I must now be honest. Since I began this thread, I have had difficulties with certain comments in here. I believe I am beginning to understand in a small way (though I could never fully understand) the sensitivity of those of you who are PTSD sufferers. It is most difficult to remain objective whilst you are in such pain, and comments seem rather insensitive. I do apologize though if I have seemed snappy, not my intention. The majority of the comments have been very helpful, I do appreciate the input and suggestions.

 

[batgirl]

Mum I really don't think you have anything to apologize for. You are being so totally harsh with yourself. I haven't seen you being snappish at all in here. Even if you were, you're human and you're in a lot of pain and if anyone doesn't have the common sense to appreciate that, tough for them.

 

[Kathy]

Thank you Sweetness, I appreciate that.

 

[Frankie]

Kathy,

Your daughter is so right, you have nothing to apologize for ! You are in pain, the worst possible pain anyone can ever feel. You have every right to feel the way you feel. And everyone should understand that !

I remember telling my cousin "Nothing will ever hurt or scare you as much anymore, you have felt and are facing the worst hurt ever" "life as you knew it has changed"

And I also told her "you have every right to grieve your son AND be angry at him, and scream at him"

There will always be a missing link to your heart, but us "humans" are sooooo strong ! We do heal, in time ! And in time you will remember your son with a smile, remembering the good times ! :)

 

[Kathy]

Thank you once more Frankie, you do seem rather a sensible person, and I like sensible! ;) It is lovely to have you here on the forum.

 

[Frankie]

Thank-you Kathy, I am a positive person by nature and it has helped me a lot in dealing with lots of things myself ! I always see the glass half full :)

One of the major hurdles I have had to accept is my mom's alzeihmers (for the past 6 years). This has made me learn to be more patient and understanding and yes, sensitible !

My sense of humor does help tremendously ! All this is helping me understand and accept my bf's PTSD much better !

And I am so very happy I found this site :)

 

[Jim]

Never have said much in this thread. However. With my daughter being ill again, I am thinking about my son. Even before he died, always felt I failed him somehow. Had a huge blow out with him when he was 16. Never quite recovered from that one. We didn't speak for nearly 2 years, relationship was always volatile after that. Just didn't see eye to eye, on anything. Couple of months before his death, I apologized for how I treated him when younger. Always had been quite hard on him. Glad I did that. However. Can't help feeling it was too little too late. And now - when my daughter defies me, like she did tonight, I see Brian in her and it scares the shit out of me.

Jim.

 

[2quilt]

Do you want to talk to her about how that scares you?