Hello hello, my username is thatjpboy, JP standing for Japanese.
I'm here to tell my story anonymously, as in I will never reveal anything more in my writing.
I was adopted at birth in the Philippines from a mother who was a bargirl, and she drank heavily while she carried me. I was born a girl, though I feel that I'm not a girl, you will read why.
My biological father is a Japanese man who is going to forever be unknown to me, so there's been alot of problems.
I was adopted to the US and lived with a filipino woman (age 47) and her caucasian boyfriend (age 53).
Throughout my life, I hardly saw the boyfriend (or someone I call Dad) and when I did, he was here for two or three weeks, then he'd leave since he drove trucks. The relationship between these two were incredibly rocky, constantly on and off but my guardian (filipino lady) relied on him. He'd get mad at her and yell, then get mad at me and yell, calling me all sorts of things. Even though this happened, I was incredibly close to him. I was a child who loved a man that just was with the wrong woman, and he loved me back endearingly, even if I wasn't his own blood.
He told me things about her, how she would cheat and such and she would do the same vice versa. Because of this, I was constantly changing sides and finally chose a side, my guardian's. It was the wrong side I learn, years later.
One night I'm in my room, hearing them yell and argue and my door (-sadly-) is left open. Hours pass by with silence, then my dad comes into my room and sits on the ledge of my bed. He tells me this so clearly, it hurts my heart. "I'm sorry, but Daddy is leaving tomorrow. I won't be coming back." I am about 8 at this age. I begin to cry, this was my biggest fear, I cry so hard that my head is shaking and I feel a buzz in my soul. My dad hugs me close and tells me "I'm so sorry." many times. After crying for awhile, he tells me to lay down and go to sleep― I oblige and do so. After being so tired from crying, I fall asleep easily.
The next morning I run downstairs and ask my guardian, "Where's Dad?" She looks up from her cola-whiskey concoction and answers, "He's already gone." I don't believe it, I run outside to rhe garage and even open the garage door and I don't see his car in the driveway. I'm bawling and my guardian drags me back inside, yelling at me, then she strikes me across the face.
I don't remember what happened right after, but I surely remember what happened in the years after. I was a smart kid, I read too much about things I shouldn't have. I learned about sex on my own, then it was masturbation. I became hypersexual, always with sex on my mind to keep me from thinking about that past. Then after becoming hypersexual, I no longer felt like a girlー I became disgusted in my body parts, my chest and between my legs, I hated it all and still do. I became depressed and fell into a circle of psychosis, manic disorders, eating disorders. I self harmed throughout elementary and even into middle school. Throughout those years, my guardian would verbally abuse me and emotionally abuse me, which truly didn't help. I always fantasized that he'd come back, take me to a new state and live a new life because of her.
Now, I feel that I do have PTSDー or someway traumatized, and I'm actually going to go see my therapist in a week for this. I wake up from nightmares of it being reanacted in my head, I sometimes avoid looking at my window at night to avoid triggering a flashback.
When it escalates, I find myself crying and shaking and grabbing onto the nearest thing, hugging it like I hugged my dad before I left. As this happens, I'm saying "Please don't leave, please don't leave Dad" like I did before. It's hard to get out of that moment and lasts up to 3 hours, I get that terrible pain in my chest like it's actual heartbreak.
Even typing all of this brings that feeling again, but I want to help myself get over this, that's why I felt the need to write it out.
Is it even possible to get PTSD from something like what I experienced?
I'm here to tell my story anonymously, as in I will never reveal anything more in my writing.
I was adopted at birth in the Philippines from a mother who was a bargirl, and she drank heavily while she carried me. I was born a girl, though I feel that I'm not a girl, you will read why.
My biological father is a Japanese man who is going to forever be unknown to me, so there's been alot of problems.
I was adopted to the US and lived with a filipino woman (age 47) and her caucasian boyfriend (age 53).
Throughout my life, I hardly saw the boyfriend (or someone I call Dad) and when I did, he was here for two or three weeks, then he'd leave since he drove trucks. The relationship between these two were incredibly rocky, constantly on and off but my guardian (filipino lady) relied on him. He'd get mad at her and yell, then get mad at me and yell, calling me all sorts of things. Even though this happened, I was incredibly close to him. I was a child who loved a man that just was with the wrong woman, and he loved me back endearingly, even if I wasn't his own blood.
He told me things about her, how she would cheat and such and she would do the same vice versa. Because of this, I was constantly changing sides and finally chose a side, my guardian's. It was the wrong side I learn, years later.
One night I'm in my room, hearing them yell and argue and my door (-sadly-) is left open. Hours pass by with silence, then my dad comes into my room and sits on the ledge of my bed. He tells me this so clearly, it hurts my heart. "I'm sorry, but Daddy is leaving tomorrow. I won't be coming back." I am about 8 at this age. I begin to cry, this was my biggest fear, I cry so hard that my head is shaking and I feel a buzz in my soul. My dad hugs me close and tells me "I'm so sorry." many times. After crying for awhile, he tells me to lay down and go to sleep― I oblige and do so. After being so tired from crying, I fall asleep easily.
The next morning I run downstairs and ask my guardian, "Where's Dad?" She looks up from her cola-whiskey concoction and answers, "He's already gone." I don't believe it, I run outside to rhe garage and even open the garage door and I don't see his car in the driveway. I'm bawling and my guardian drags me back inside, yelling at me, then she strikes me across the face.
I don't remember what happened right after, but I surely remember what happened in the years after. I was a smart kid, I read too much about things I shouldn't have. I learned about sex on my own, then it was masturbation. I became hypersexual, always with sex on my mind to keep me from thinking about that past. Then after becoming hypersexual, I no longer felt like a girlー I became disgusted in my body parts, my chest and between my legs, I hated it all and still do. I became depressed and fell into a circle of psychosis, manic disorders, eating disorders. I self harmed throughout elementary and even into middle school. Throughout those years, my guardian would verbally abuse me and emotionally abuse me, which truly didn't help. I always fantasized that he'd come back, take me to a new state and live a new life because of her.
Now, I feel that I do have PTSDー or someway traumatized, and I'm actually going to go see my therapist in a week for this. I wake up from nightmares of it being reanacted in my head, I sometimes avoid looking at my window at night to avoid triggering a flashback.
When it escalates, I find myself crying and shaking and grabbing onto the nearest thing, hugging it like I hugged my dad before I left. As this happens, I'm saying "Please don't leave, please don't leave Dad" like I did before. It's hard to get out of that moment and lasts up to 3 hours, I get that terrible pain in my chest like it's actual heartbreak.
Even typing all of this brings that feeling again, but I want to help myself get over this, that's why I felt the need to write it out.
Is it even possible to get PTSD from something like what I experienced?
