I apologize about his post being so long and so detailed. I don't really expect anyone to read the entire post, but I just need to write my story. I don't know why.
The first memory I have is from the age of 5 (I know this because my mother was married for a year) is of my mother undressing in front of me. She had no shame in showing me her body. I would frequently "catch" my mom in her lingerie. My mother would come into my room at night and she would make me play with her and insist that I rub her clitoris while she "relaxed". Usually, it was through her panties, but sometimes she was completely nude. She would also make me have sex with her. Tell me what to do. Tell me that this is what big people, men, did and that it was completely normal. She would tell me to say certain things that "big people say".
She would also tell me not to tell anyone because people wouldn't understand or that they would take her away. I thought this was relatively normal and did what I was told.
She, and her husband, would also call me into their bedroom sometimes and have me stand in the doorway or the corner and watch them have sex. At first, I thought that he was hurting her. She would scream and cry about what he was doing to her. Then, I realized, that these were the same things that she had me do to her.
When she wasn't home, he (the husband) would make me masturbate him. Usually, he had me masturbate him until ejaculation into the toilet. Sometimes, he would have me make him cum onto their bed or her underwear drawer. He would laugh after it was done and tell me that I will do whatever her wants. If I didn't, he would pick me up by the hair and punch me in the face. He would always tell my mom that I fell off a bike or got into a fight at school.
After a year, she left him. I think he beat her, too. We were all alone then, and she would make me do things to her, every night. She would get shit-faced drunk and pull me into her bed every night. Usually, she had me masturbate her, but sometimes should would make me have intercourse with her. She would say things like " this is what a husband does" or "this is what big people do". I truly thought it was normal.
We moved around a lot. After moving to 3 or 4 cities, we settled in Portland, Oregon. Her sister, Sally, was here. I would frequently stay with Sally and her autistic son (my cousin). I faintly remember my mother saying to her sister that I will do whatever she wants me to. She (my aunt) would make me sleep with her and, just like my mother, masturbate her. She also told her son and I to do things to each other. She had us play/kiss with each other's penis and she would masturbate while we did it. She would also have me have sex with her.
I was used as a sex toy, around the family, until I was 13ish and I moved out. I went to stay with a wonderful family that truly loved and respected each other. Their mom didn't have sex with them and their dad was loving and kind. I thought it was the strangest thing I had ever seen. I still thought, in the back of my mind, that they were just like us, they just hid it better.
My mother had sex with me until I was 13 or so. She made a hole in the wall, from my bedroom to the bathroom. She would make me watch her undress and take a shower and then have me "break in" and do things to her. She seemed to relish her son doing things to her.
I have recently made a list of "traumas" and things that I always thought might be different about me and my thoughts. It's a long list, and again, I apologize for the content and the terms used. I tried to be respectful to others with trauma, but I needed to say these things.
Things I Remember That Are, I Think, Technically Trauma
1) Mother using me for sex from (at least) the age of 5 until I was 13 or so.
2) Mother's Husband, Chuck, using me for sexual gratification. He also would beat and torture me.(Pick me up by the hair, punch me, slap me, tell me that he would kill my mom).
3) Mother and Chuck making me stand in the room and watch them have sex. I didn't know if my mom was being hurt or not.
4) As an older (10ish-13ish) Mother showing me pornographic magazines and acting out scenes from them. She even made a hole in the wall, from my bedroom to the bathroom, and would make me watch her through the hole. She would undress and shower. She would them make me come in and do things to her.
5) My mother, telling her sister, Sally, that I would be willing to do sexual things to her.
6) Sally using me (and her autistic son) as sexual toys for many years. She also made us do sexual things to each other and she would watch.
7) Being told, repeatedly, that I was borne bad or with a piece missing.
8) Falling into a fire when I was 6 or so and getting 3rd degree burns on my leg. The resulting treatment was a horrific experience. The doctor scrubbing my leg with ointment and a large "toothbrush".
9) Being moved from home to home, sometimes for weeks, sometimes for months at a time. Never knowing when I would have to start a new school or make new friends. Also never knowing who would abuse me and who wouldn't.
10) Growing up, living with alcoholics and drug users. Sometimes they would get angry and I had to learn what would “set them off”. Sometimes, I was wrong.
11) Being homeless 3 or 4 times when I was with my mother.
12) Being physically abused by mother, Chuck, my uncle Bob, and family friends.
13) Having to (almost) completely take care of myself as a young child. I usually needed to feed and clothe myself as no one around me was capable. I routinely cooked meals for myself and whomever I was living with at the time. I felt completely neglected and alone. If I couldn't do it for myself, it wouldn't get done.
14) Finding my mother after she had slit her wrists. I still remember the blood on the floor in big pools.
15) Having the police arrest my mother multiple times.
Memories That I have of Doing Strange (I think) Things
1) Playing “house or doctor” with girls from kindergarten to 1st grade. I would put a brown mitten on their vagina to mimic hair.
2) Fantasizing about my mom sexually.
3) Stealing my mother’s panties and smelling them at night. I still do that today with my girlfriend's panties.
4) Having “sex” with stuffed animals. From the age of 5 or so until my late teens.
5) Mixing violence against women with sexual gratification. I have learned that I am a sadist.
6) Constantly, from a very young age, sexualizing women. I still do to this day. That is all that I see women as.
7) Constantly living with the fear of death. From the time I can remember, I would have to think about all the possible ways that I could die. If I didn't think of something, or some way, it would happen. This is how I fall asleep to this day.
Again, I'm sorry for writing this, but I felt the need to get this stuff "out in the open". Take care to all of you and I wish you nothing but the best.
The first memory I have is from the age of 5 (I know this because my mother was married for a year) is of my mother undressing in front of me. She had no shame in showing me her body. I would frequently "catch" my mom in her lingerie. My mother would come into my room at night and she would make me play with her and insist that I rub her clitoris while she "relaxed". Usually, it was through her panties, but sometimes she was completely nude. She would also make me have sex with her. Tell me what to do. Tell me that this is what big people, men, did and that it was completely normal. She would tell me to say certain things that "big people say".
She would also tell me not to tell anyone because people wouldn't understand or that they would take her away. I thought this was relatively normal and did what I was told.
She, and her husband, would also call me into their bedroom sometimes and have me stand in the doorway or the corner and watch them have sex. At first, I thought that he was hurting her. She would scream and cry about what he was doing to her. Then, I realized, that these were the same things that she had me do to her.
When she wasn't home, he (the husband) would make me masturbate him. Usually, he had me masturbate him until ejaculation into the toilet. Sometimes, he would have me make him cum onto their bed or her underwear drawer. He would laugh after it was done and tell me that I will do whatever her wants. If I didn't, he would pick me up by the hair and punch me in the face. He would always tell my mom that I fell off a bike or got into a fight at school.
After a year, she left him. I think he beat her, too. We were all alone then, and she would make me do things to her, every night. She would get shit-faced drunk and pull me into her bed every night. Usually, she had me masturbate her, but sometimes should would make me have intercourse with her. She would say things like " this is what a husband does" or "this is what big people do". I truly thought it was normal.
We moved around a lot. After moving to 3 or 4 cities, we settled in Portland, Oregon. Her sister, Sally, was here. I would frequently stay with Sally and her autistic son (my cousin). I faintly remember my mother saying to her sister that I will do whatever she wants me to. She (my aunt) would make me sleep with her and, just like my mother, masturbate her. She also told her son and I to do things to each other. She had us play/kiss with each other's penis and she would masturbate while we did it. She would also have me have sex with her.
I was used as a sex toy, around the family, until I was 13ish and I moved out. I went to stay with a wonderful family that truly loved and respected each other. Their mom didn't have sex with them and their dad was loving and kind. I thought it was the strangest thing I had ever seen. I still thought, in the back of my mind, that they were just like us, they just hid it better.
My mother had sex with me until I was 13 or so. She made a hole in the wall, from my bedroom to the bathroom. She would make me watch her undress and take a shower and then have me "break in" and do things to her. She seemed to relish her son doing things to her.
I have recently made a list of "traumas" and things that I always thought might be different about me and my thoughts. It's a long list, and again, I apologize for the content and the terms used. I tried to be respectful to others with trauma, but I needed to say these things.
Things I Remember That Are, I Think, Technically Trauma
1) Mother using me for sex from (at least) the age of 5 until I was 13 or so.
2) Mother's Husband, Chuck, using me for sexual gratification. He also would beat and torture me.(Pick me up by the hair, punch me, slap me, tell me that he would kill my mom).
3) Mother and Chuck making me stand in the room and watch them have sex. I didn't know if my mom was being hurt or not.
4) As an older (10ish-13ish) Mother showing me pornographic magazines and acting out scenes from them. She even made a hole in the wall, from my bedroom to the bathroom, and would make me watch her through the hole. She would undress and shower. She would them make me come in and do things to her.
5) My mother, telling her sister, Sally, that I would be willing to do sexual things to her.
6) Sally using me (and her autistic son) as sexual toys for many years. She also made us do sexual things to each other and she would watch.
7) Being told, repeatedly, that I was borne bad or with a piece missing.
8) Falling into a fire when I was 6 or so and getting 3rd degree burns on my leg. The resulting treatment was a horrific experience. The doctor scrubbing my leg with ointment and a large "toothbrush".
9) Being moved from home to home, sometimes for weeks, sometimes for months at a time. Never knowing when I would have to start a new school or make new friends. Also never knowing who would abuse me and who wouldn't.
10) Growing up, living with alcoholics and drug users. Sometimes they would get angry and I had to learn what would “set them off”. Sometimes, I was wrong.
11) Being homeless 3 or 4 times when I was with my mother.
12) Being physically abused by mother, Chuck, my uncle Bob, and family friends.
13) Having to (almost) completely take care of myself as a young child. I usually needed to feed and clothe myself as no one around me was capable. I routinely cooked meals for myself and whomever I was living with at the time. I felt completely neglected and alone. If I couldn't do it for myself, it wouldn't get done.
14) Finding my mother after she had slit her wrists. I still remember the blood on the floor in big pools.
15) Having the police arrest my mother multiple times.
Memories That I have of Doing Strange (I think) Things
1) Playing “house or doctor” with girls from kindergarten to 1st grade. I would put a brown mitten on their vagina to mimic hair.
2) Fantasizing about my mom sexually.
3) Stealing my mother’s panties and smelling them at night. I still do that today with my girlfriend's panties.
4) Having “sex” with stuffed animals. From the age of 5 or so until my late teens.
5) Mixing violence against women with sexual gratification. I have learned that I am a sadist.
6) Constantly, from a very young age, sexualizing women. I still do to this day. That is all that I see women as.
7) Constantly living with the fear of death. From the time I can remember, I would have to think about all the possible ways that I could die. If I didn't think of something, or some way, it would happen. This is how I fall asleep to this day.
Again, I'm sorry for writing this, but I felt the need to get this stuff "out in the open". Take care to all of you and I wish you nothing but the best.
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