General My Sufferer Disappears...

[Marinelvr]

I've been with this guy for a little over a year now. He is a Marine Veteran who suffers from PTSD along with anxiety, high blood pressure, etc..

When we started dating, he was everything I have ever wanted and MORE in a guy. Extremely sensitive, compassionate, loyal, devoted, honest, you name it. He adored me. Over time, I began to see him slowly losing these qualities that I loved so much. Little arguments or fights that most couples recover from in ten minutes, takes him days to get over. And even after, he will still refer back to them in the future. I have been in enough serious relationships to know that these fights are normal and so mild and few and far. I have changed things about myself such as yelling or flipping out when I'm angry because I know this will never get anywhere with him. Whereas in other relationships it was just stuff that happened occasionally when you're really angry.

He has disconnected himself from me a few times before but just recently we had a really stupid argument and I haven't heard from him in a week. The last conversation we had was 6 days ago and he ended it by saying "I'll talk to you later". We normally talk all day everyday through text or phone calls, so needless to say, I'm really missing him. I just feel like I'm at the point where I give up. I can't chase him because 1) I don't want to and 2) it doesn't get me anywhere and just makes him more mad. But how do you continue a relationship with no communication? How long do I let the silence go on before I make the assumption that "we're done"?

I'm just so sad and beside myself. I've never loved someone so much and I want to be here for him and support him but I can't when he pushes me away.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Hey Marinelvr, welcome to the forum. I'm sorry to hear you're having a hard time with this guy you love... I can sort of relate to this behavior he's showing, I'm not a veteran in the slightest but also suffer from PTSD and I messed up a great relationship by acting like he did.

I used to flip at every little thing that happened, it would be an extremely big deal for me, I'd feel incredibly attacked/wounded/insulted and what not. I ended up breaking up with him, because I just couldn't deal with myself feeling this way, anymore. It wasn't healthy for my boyfriend, either. Sounds like your veteran is going through something similar, like he just can't handle it. Maybe you could ask him directly whether you are through or not, even though it's painful. You deserve to have some kind of idea of where you are headed.

It's possible that you can't help him. You can support somebody with PTSD but you can't help them (I think) unravel the mess in their own heads, it's something they need to figure out for themselves. If the only thing you are getting out of this is grief, then maybe being with him is not that good for either of you, at the moment.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Sorry your missing your partner Marinelvr :(. Sometimes all you can do is let them go off and be alone. It sucks.

 

[Barberian]

[Sufferer]

If you love someone set them free, if they come back they were yours all along, if they don't, they never were.

While there is some truth in that quote I probably messed up, a PTSD sufferer often has extremely low self esteem. Giving them space when they need it is important, but so is letting them know how you feel about them without crowding them is also important. If they get too much space, often it just reinforces their low self esteem. They will feel they aren't really loved and will go their separate ways.

If my wife gave up on me, I'm sure I'd end up leaving, living on the streets, and probably have a much, much shorter life span.

It does come down to him though. If he's not ready/able to be in a relationship, don't beat yourself up about it. You can only do so much. Take care of yourself first. If you don't, you won't be able and stable enough to help him.

 

[Marinelvr]

Thank you for the responses. It does help to hear other people's stories.

I am trying to be patient. It's so hard though. It's been one week today with no texts or phone calls. Every day makes me feel further and further away from him. I get so close to sending a text but I don't want to chase. I don't want him to think its ok for him to do this to me. On the other hand, I worry that he is waiting for me to make the move.

I know he wants/needs space but how long is too long before you have to assume a relationship is over? I can't hang on to something that isn't there.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Wow that is tough... when he comes back it may be time for some boundaries. Like, 'I can appreciate if you need alone time, but can you at least send me a text every few days to let me know you are alive. I do not have to respond, or I'll can only respond once, whatever you prefer..."

Even with PTSD, he still has to respect your feelings. Some of the best advice I got on here was to set some boundaries with my vet. He also had to set some with me. It is a learning experience for both of us. You sound like you are learning too.

Only you can tell how long it will take for you to decide the relationship is over. It's what you are willing to take or work with. At a certain point though, you just have to take care of you
:hug: