My T advised me to divorce

[EntWife]

For 10 years I've been seeing my T for my PTSD from being stalked by my exBF after I broke up with him because I caught him fondling my best friend while she was unconscious. My T readily admits she specializes in trauma and isn't good with relationship dynamics.

That being said, I'm having trouble sleeping after our session today because she advised that I give my husband (who was recently diagnosed with ADD and Dysthymia) an ultimatum that he either medicates his conditions or I leave him. She said she worries that I'm being treated less than I deserve and that he's purposefully forgetting to call the psychiatrist our couple's therapist has recommended and that I'm staying with him out of codependency and that if I left him it might be the "rock bottom" that convinces him to medicate his conditions.

In my view, divorcing him in the hopes that he'll take medication because of the divorce seems like the very definition of codependency. Our dog was just diagnosed with dementia and I can't stand the thought of moving out with her while she's having trouble with her routine life (nevermind a completely new life!). And I also can't stand the thought of leaving her with a man who's unable to remember to shut the back door before going to sleep (on the couch because he can only fall asleep while playing video games). If anything I'm being codependent with our dog!

I feel frustrated that I've worked really hard, on her advice, to stop gauging my happiness on my romantic relationships and now she's contradicting that advice. Yes, my husband has dysthymia and no, he DOESN'T treat me like I deserve (like he did for the half of our marriage before the Dysthymia), but he also puts checks on the fridge "so he won't forget to deposit them" and, 15 months later, has yet to deposit them. He's been blaming his job for his unhappiness, but has switched jobs twice and is finally admitting that "if you smell dog sh*t everywhere you go it's time to check your own shoes" instead of blaming the room you're currently in or all the people in it. He's just starting to entertain the notion that maybe my PTSD is NOT the cause of all our relationship problems (and that maybe his feelings if impending apocalypse are not because an apocalypse is impending and that maybe what's causing it is also causing his inability to get off the couch all weekend, respond to contact from his friends and family, trim his hair at least annually, or cope with his stress at three different jobs).

My T has helped me immensely with my PTSD, but now I'm ready to "break up" with her. I know she thinks my husband's dysthymia is because of some trauma he's repressed from his mom's own depression, which (she believes) caused his sister's bipolar, which caused our niece's ADHD, but she also thinks my Narcolepsy is due to my PTSD (nevermind that I started having sleep paralysis and hypnopompic hallucinations when was 4, which was more than 20 years before I was stalked and started having panic attacks or flash backs, AND that my dad, grandfather, and paternal cousin have the same symptoms). I can't help thinking both that my T isseeing trauma everywhere since she specializes in it AND that I don't feel comfortable with the idea of divorcing someone (who doesn't want me to) when he's suffering from a mental health condition.

That being said, if my husband decided he'd rather divorce than continue seeing our couple's therapist I'd see it as "him doing me a favor"...which also makes me think I'm not being codependent.

What a mess!!! ?

 

[Rumors]

She said she worries that I'm being treated less than I deserve

I think she said that she worries you are being treated less than you deserve.. and yes you are being codependent. You are choosing to stay in any relationship where your husband consistently does nothing to help himself and falls asleep on the couch every night playing video games. That is not super healthy.

I don't feel comfortable with the idea of divorcing someone (who doesn't want me to) when he's suffering from a mental health condition.

So if he refuses to get help or take medicine you are willing to live with someone for life that is that unhealthy? Why? Because he is mentally ill?
You have a lot to think about and perhaps her wording was strong in divorcing him, however her theory is correct. If he is unwilling to take steps that help him and you stay then you will be treated less than you deserve bc anyone who cannot take care of themselves isn't capable of being in a healthy relationship.

 

[EntWife]

You have a lot to think about and perhaps her wording was strong in divorcing him, however her theory is correct. If he is unwilling to take steps that help him and you stay then you will be treated less than you deserve bc anyone who cannot take care of themselves isn't capable of being in a healthy relationship.

So I should move in with my parents who also treat me less than I deserve? (Because my dad has social anxiety disorder and I learned codependency from my mom). I'll be able to get my own place in the fall and I'm holding-out on any decisions until then.

 

[Friday]

Mess indeed.

It might be interesting, if you did NOT take her advice, but continued to see her, what might happen? Not saying it’s a good idea, just an interesting one.

Trusted advisors can be wrong. We can also be in a place to simply not be able to accept very wise advice. Remaining secure in your own self, and your own beliefs, until you determine which? Would be the best sign -IMO/IME- that you’ve progressed past codependency to interdependence & independence. But it’s a risk. Because learning to accept -yet disagree- with others counsel? Is one of those “I’ve grown up.” moments. That you don’t really know you’ve arrived at, until you’re well past. And until it happens? Yep. Allowing others too much influence over us, radically alters lives lived. The safer bet, is to follow your instinct, and break up with anyone who disagrees with you. Rather than disagreeing with them, and remaining in their influence. Doesn’t necessarily mean you’re still codependent with her, because here’s another “I’ve grown up.” moment when we’re willing to cut ties with trusted advisors to stand on our own two feet, without assistance. Right or wrong. Our decisions are our own. Not up for comment.

So, personally, I don’t see this so much as a decision between your husband and your therapist... so much as a decision between your own selves. What’s important to you, and what do you believe in, and can you maintain that sense of integrity with both/either, her &/or him?

Heavy decisions.

 

[Deleted member 47099]

It might be interesting, if you did NOT take her advice, but continued to see her, what might happen? Not saying it’s a good idea, just an interesting one.

Trusted advisors can be wrong. We can also be in a place to simply not be able to accept very wise advice. Remaining secure in your own self, and your own beliefs, until you determine which? Would be the best sign -IMO/IME- that you’ve progressed past codependency to interdependence & independence. But it’s a risk. Because learning to accept -yet disagree- with others counsel? Is one of those “I’ve grown up.” moments.

This.
Knowing when to say "no" to our T's advice and when to say "yes" is a big, deep step of growth.

 

[scout86]

That being said, if my husband decided he'd rather divorce than continue seeing our couple's therapist I'd see it as "him doing me a favor"...which also makes me think I'm not being codependent.

That struck me as kind of brilliant, when I read it. (So I skipped everything else to mention this.) What would he say if you presented him with a choice like that? And I mean a real choice, not some kind of threat you throw out in a moment of anger and frustration. It's totally possible he's so stuck in his own stuff that he doesn't realize you're feeling this way. It's possible that, realizing it, MIGHT be that rock bottom that motivates him to make some changes. "Husband, I'm really frustrated with A,B, and C. I can't keep living like this. If there's no chance of improving things, I need to look after myself and leave. I'm thinking this might be hopeless because......(give specific examples)"

I don't think anybody gets treated the way they deserve ALL the time. (And sometimes we're lucky we don't.) It's easy to short change the people around us when we're deep in our own problems. Does your husband have a T of his own? Sounds like maybe he should, because he's got his own stuff to deal with.

Beyond that, your regular T admits to not being great with relationship stuff. (Honestly, this worries me a little because one of the most useful things my T has done is explain relationship stuff.) What does the couples T say? Have you had this conversation, the 3 of you? You CAN you know.

 

[grit]

I concur what most others already indicate here but I want to add a bit more from my own personal experience. I think one of the reasons there is a huge difference between a therapist and a friend or online chatter is that a professional should allow you to come to your own decisions and life changes unless you are in danger or in a life threatening situation which from what you post - is not the case.

A therapist you had for 10yrs who knows you well should respect your decision making boundaries and support you to manage the stress and the fall out of a bad marriage (if indeed that is what your marriage is for you). I think when a professional gives a direct advise and especially when as serious as "get divorce" to me that sounds the therapist is frustrated with you or with her life. It is also a telling comment you made that she is good in trauma but not good in relationships. really? Is that true? Cause you both carried on 10yrs relationships. So that statement is not 100% true. I feel you are capable of making a decision about your marriage. I think you are capable of changing you in your marriage from what you wrote here. I honestly feel it is worth exploring why your therapist feels she needs to tell you what to do definite ways all of sudden.

Regardless, your marriage to me sounds like there are a lot of stress of financial, mental health and other stuff and honestly I think there are myriad ways of dealing and one of them is to have a therapist that supports you fully to reach your full potential to make decisions for yourself. I will throw this out there, maybe the therapist had a bad day and may come back to this and salvage herself.

 

[The Albatross]

Hmmm. The therapist is not "wrong" to broach the topic. Next session I'd likely clarify whether it was opening up a topic or "advise".

People advise many things... but most often if in fact it was advise... examine the intent. Most often it is to be assistive rather than hurtful. Fact: People do not need to take advise. Didn't read it all... bbl perhaps but to me, rather than working through the thoughts/feelings of the suggestion... focusing on what the shrink did seems easier.

 

[somerandomguy]

That's a pretty major recommendation. I'm wondering the same thing @The Albatross is ... Did it come out of nowhere, or did you specifically ask for advice from her on that topic?

 

[Tinyflame]

I think only you know what you want @EntWife , or what's been discussed, and maybe this has been said and I missed it? But your T sounds like they don't have a deep understanding of what ADD is or what it is like? Nor is it a 'mental illness', nor willful. And not everyone responds to meds, and for those who do, that's only part of the daily working solutions.

I think advice can be very good, and lucky if you have a good advisor, though the decision remains your own. But it also sort of presupposes for it to be good that it's based on as accurate and complete information as possible to start.

 

[EntWife]

What would he say if you presented him with a choice like that? And I mean a real choice, not some kind of threat you throw out in a moment of anger and frustration. It's totally possible he's so stuck in his own stuff that he doesn't realize you're feeling this way. It's possible that, realizing it, MIGHT be that rock bottom that motivates him to make some changes.

Honestly, what he realizes and what will motivate him to change aren't on my radar: just considering asking him these kinds of questions feels "codependent-ish," especially when the goal is for him to do (anything). I'm trying to focus on increasing my ability to feel happy and peaceful despite anything people around me are going through.

That's a pretty major recommendation. I'm wondering the same thing @The Albatross is ... Did it come out of nowhere, or did you specifically ask for advice from her on that topic?

It kind of came out of nowhere and this is the second of our monthly sessions she's given me this advice. Last month it was "you've come so far and you should get the opportunity to find someone as healthy as you are", which I immediately responded to with, "If everyone has childhood trauma, like you say, and less than 10% of us work though it, like you say, then it's extremely unlikely I'll be able to find someone who I'm attracted to, is single, is in my area, and has resolved all his childhood trauma." I guess she conceded defeat on that one since she didn't bring it up in the last session.

Back story (which I hadn't considered): she's convinced her husband has unresolved childhood trauma that causes their martial woes and the last time she did a mediation retreat she talked about being annoyed that her relationship issues keep popping into her mind and distracting her. It's only as I type this that I realize both that maybe her husband has something other than trauma going on and it's awfully codependent of her. ?

But your T sounds like they don't have a deep understanding of what ADD is or what it is like? Nor is it a 'mental illness', nor willful. And not everyone responds to meds, and for those who do, that's only part of the daily working solutions.

Like she said, she specializes in trauma and isn't good at working on relationship dynamics. I feel like I'm constantly having to explain my narcolepsy and the fact that ADD and Dysthymia aren't purposeful and emotionally abusive. She seems unable to believe that people can do things like leave the fridge door open and not remember doing it. She thinks it must be purposeful and a form of emotional abuse...what could someone possibly get out of leaving the fridge door open?! Especially when they obviously feel bad about doing it. I'm sure she'd say he's doing it for a subconscious reason he's not aware of (which would demonstrate more misunderstanding of ADD).

Geeze, the more I think about it, I'm only now realizing how resentful she sounds about her husband and how passive aggressive her described actions are towards him (she tells me them as examples of what she's found helpful...but when she's so resentful are they really "helping" her?) I don't want to be like her so why would I take advice from her? ?

 

[Rumors]

So I should move in with my parents who also treat me less than I deserve?

I think you are all over the board here. You never mentioned that your parents treated you poorly. You came on here alleging that your therapist told you to give your husband an ultimatum. You laid out that all he does is play video games and fall asleep on the couch. He refuses to see a doctor for medication and doesn't hear you when you ask him to take better care of himself. Im not telling you that you need to move in with anyone...however, I am telling you that your therapist isn't wrong about the fact you exhibit codependent tendencies. If you are just here looking for people to validate YOUR opinion then just stay with him. I was merely pointing out that from what you said, your therapist has some validity.