My T Wants Me To Write About My Friend's Death, No Really

[Britt.f7]

I literally started with one word. I wrote it down, then burned the paper.

I was thinking, after reading most of the posts today, that I would start with a sentence. I know I could write the whole story, but I need to feel it. So, if I write once sentence and then try to feel and think of how that child felt. Which sounds kind of silly to me and I know this is where the detachment comes in and the not validating what I went through. Thank you for your support as it has helped me think of my options.

I think that in order to get that far, to get to that point where I could place that little bit of trust in her (and back then it was a lot of trust), it was important that I wanted to trust her. I wanted to realize that she is on my side, no matter how it feels sometimes. I wanted to do what I could to know her better and share more.

Prime no, thank you for sharing all you have with me. I am new in this relationship with her and I think I'm still learning to trust. It's interesting that in the last session, before she told me about thinking of writing about it and letting the emotion lead, we talked about changing my way of thinking. I, often, think of dying, whether it be by my hand, naturally, or, heaven's forbid, another. She mentioned changing that way of thinking. And I said, yes, I wanted to. She said she wasn't so sure about that, which floored me at first. But, then she explained herself, and told me that in order to get to that place, that it wouldn't be easy, and it wouldn't be comfortable, because it is something I have known to be me for such a very long time(childhood). It would mean letting go. It makes me think of what you said about bottoming out. I know she can't do this for me, that I have to do it for myself. I think she is kind of leading me, not to her set destination, but to mine. It makes me think of a loose thread and she is unspooling it..I hold the other end but it is not tight. I'm finding it interesting right now that I am not seeing a rope, but a thread. A thin, fragile thread. For now that is okay. We will definitely have to build trust before I can get anywhere.

The movie you recalled is one of my husband's favorites. Mostly for the technicolor and the imagery. I usually think of that movie when I think of dying, wondering if it would be like it is for her. It is a very good movie, one you wouldn't imagine Robin Williams being in because of how dark it gets.

I will definitely have to feel that I am in a safe place before I unravel anything. I think of my friends often, especially, obviously, this last week. Reading everyone's advice and kind words and sharing what they went through, has been a blessing. I don't feel as alone. I realize I can get through this and I need to.

Thank you to everyone for giving me a glimpse of understanding and hope.

 

[shell]

I was totally detached from my trauma, and would talk about it like I was talking about something funny that happened or like I was talking about eating an apple.

For months I numbed, dissociated and even fell asleep while writing, despite not being tired, in order to avoid emotions.

What worked for me was finding the sadest songs I could find, putting them on one play list on my ipod, spending time listening to them, it brought it all out, and then turning it off. I would write anything that came up about that trauma for 30 minutes, and would be totally emotional connected.

 

[Whitneys story]

I have over many years learned two valuable insights.

1-To question for my benefit what is being asked or suggested. Break it down to manageable issues and review from my perspective. So often we react rather than act.

2-When something has lived in us for years, trauma; past programming take time! There is no magic time factor. First it has to be acknowledged. I personally had to allow myself that perspective showed they were horrible experience. Blaming others for what they allowed clouds the healing. No matter why they allowed has nothing to do with healing. We loose precious time!

JMHO The greatest part of the forum is sharing which gives examples of what helped and the choice to help ourselves!

 

[Britt.f7]

Shell, that is a great idea about the music. I hadn't thought of that, which is funny since I often change the music choices when I am needing to write about other things. Sometimes everything has to be just so.

Whitneys Story, I don't think I'll find blame for others. It was a different time. Schools now a days would make counselors available to your children. The one I really need to lose the blame for is myself. A friend(?) of mine told me earlier this year that I saved her life that day. I didn't remember that or think of that. I just thought of the friends I couldn't save. I think you are correct in saying that it is going to take time. It's been there a lot of years of feeling and thinking one way. I think I need to be patient with myself.

I am very thankful for this forum and everyone's stories, ideas, and support.

 

[AS1975]

Right now, I feel like I need to throw up...is it the coffee or the thought of doing this?

Probably both, coffee does that to me when I get a dry throat whether or not that is associated with an adrenaline surge. When I relive things, I get the adrenaline (I almost always get 'light' in the legs and arms, my vision and hearing improve and I get that ball of adrenaline in the stomach), I've even felt feelings like my lips going numb when reliving being burned.

I think getting the crud out is helping me, it is very beneficial in assisting me to sort out which bits of memory come from which event(s), to actually getting down what I was thinking/feeling/doing in individual events and sorting out the emotional yard sale that is popping out of that box.