My Therapist Did Nothing When I Reached Out For Help

[Marymickaela]

GWhizz,

I am truly shocked by your story and how dismissive your therapist was. If she had even showed caring and said to you to call if you feel as desperate as you described it would have helped, but she sounds truly callous and you are down playing it, trying to truly minimize how desperate you were feeling. As hard as it is to start over, and only you can make that decision and I don't know all your circumstances as it sounds like your choices are limited. I can only suggest you really dig deep into your inner soul and be truly honest that as hard as it may be to start over, you can find the strength and courage to do so. I truly know how hard it is. And I too when at my lowest was called attention seeking, which hurt me to the core. I was screaming for help, but was ignored. When we are in the depths of a severe depression, of course it's the depression speaking. We feel hopeless, our entire world is black, there is no happiness. Light, joy, laughter.

I can tell you thou, it will get better. I finally realized I had to find a reason to live, even thou every ounce of me wanted to die. I think it was shortly after my H met me in the psych ward with a therapist he said and my daughters were afraid they were going to come home and find me dead and weren't going to put up with me anymore. I was putting them thru so much pain. Came home and laid on that couch for almost a year or more sobbing to my H that as much as I wanted to die I would never do anything so as to reassure him, but still to express how black my world was.

I honestly don't know how I came out of it, expect a year later my psychiatrist put me in a wonderful partial hospitalization program that really talk me coping skills. I slowly started to recover. That was 11 to 12 year ago and yes, I'm still in therapy and have switched therapists probably 4 times as I outgrew the 1st one. 2nd wasn't a good fit, 3rd stayed with for 2 years, but I wanted to try EMDR to deal with the PTSD and have been with her for over 18 months. I saw her today and said I feel I'm really starting to recover so I guess mine is a lifelong battle, but my H said last night he has really noticed a big improvement in my mood, anger, I'm happier.


Will I ever be normal? Don't even know what normal is, but I am starting to like myself and just turned 66. I suspect you are much younger so please be your own cheerleader. You deserve to be well, happy, love yourself and be loved. Listen to what your gut is telling you to do and go for it.

We are here for you.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

my psychiatrist put me in a wonderful partial hospitalization program that really taught me some coping skills

Wow, I can so relate to this, as it was a PHP (Partial Hospitalization) where they taught me what the were referring to a coping toolkit so that I would be better equipped to cope on my own. And it was PHP that I realized how unhappy and a non-person in this world as I was that I decided to open up completely despite my inability to trust going into outpatient therapy. It turns out everything they were teaching us in PHP was DBT stuff, as well as some human communications and relationship basics.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

I saw her today and said I feel I'm really starting to recover so I guess mine is a lifelong battle, but my H said last night he has really noticed a big improvement in my mood, anger, I'm happier.

My changes too have not gone unnoticed. The DBT stuff and PHP if they had not happened I would be stuck where I was with cycles of S/I and S/H and Hospitalizations, no different that my past (I have been hospitalized probable over 50 times). This is the first time in my life I have actually had the urges due to what I am going thru and that I have been able to resist acting on them due to DBT Skills. That alone is like a miracle breakthrough when you look at how I was before. And this is the first time I have ever been able to tell the clinicians who work with me about such urges and not get hospitalized. Instead they are supporting and helping me in my efforts to manage such urges.

I have a very long and very hard path for recovery, due to the nature of my abuse it's not as simple as just coming to terms with my abuse, the abuse so corrupted my core values and beliefs and behaviors that I actually have to go back to the actual abuse, and discover how the abuse affected me and my thinking, so that I can make the changes to how I think. If I don't address my thinking my behaviors are so disruptive to my life that I would be better off dead. So as hard as it is, I am committed to having to this therapy path. It has a price, and right now that prices is I am experiencing the emotions and the pain I suppressed all these years.

Fortunately my abuse therapist is one of the best, and she works for our local rape/abuse recovery and advocacy center. And I have a lot of other supports like a trauma group run by someone who is also on the mobile crisis team in our area, and my regular therapist who helps me manage overall my life, and of course DBT group. So I have a lot of people in my safety net.

 

[joeylittle]

I'm sorry to hear all this @GWhizz - I know even getting to therapy has been hard for you in the past, so to actually seek help proactively and be let down...ugh, it is just awful.

She said that she understood me but that there is nothing she can do if I'm intent on it, that she'd discussed it with the MDT and they felt hospital wasn't for me because I'd had a bad experience before.

So, she's in training for trauma work, I believe you said? She could use crisis training. @BuckarooBanzai related the story of the pragmatic therapist - and that level of focusing on the hard reality is a very effective technique, in the hands of an experienced therapist who knows when to use it. It's not automatically wrong, what your therapist did.

BUT - that doesn't matter because it was really, really wrong for you. I got the impression, reading your account, that she knew you needed to talk crisis management and so she made sure to crack open her notes from the day they covered it in school, and reviewed some techniques, and went with the one she thought would work.

What she did a terrible job of was reading you. She really missed the mark, and the fact that she stuck to it,even knowing that you have a tendency to minimize - it's poor observation and sounds like a true deficit in either training or ability or both.

She admitted she was angry, I think it was at me expressing disappointment and telling her she isn't helping me.

Yeah, this is why you probably need to leave.

I have invested so much hope in her being able to help me. I don't want to accept that she can't or that she may be in fact making me feel worse..

I hear you. I've had some very flawed situations with my T over the last 6 months, and I've wondered whether he's still helping, or has started doing more harm than good.

But I'm the end - I can look at his ability and experience and I would still choose to be working with him, even though he made some mistakes with me.

It sounds like you know that you can't actually count on this T for crisis management. I'd think you could take one of two roads; either create a different crisis management plan, using some other (?) resource from MHS or privately (I've no clue if this is an option), and continue to do therapy with the T - or, find a new person who can meet all your needs.

Crisis work is a really specific skill. Not everyone knows how to work with a client struggling with self harm and suicidal thinking. In many ways, it's no-ones fault - it's just the situation. You shouldn't feel like you somehow made a mistake in trusting her, you were giving it (asking for help) a really serious try. She mis-read your state. But from what you wrote, you gave her ample opportunity to switch tactics. She just didn't know another one - or her pride kept her stuck in the 'if you are going to do it, no one can stop you' approach.

With what she said about anger, it sounds to me like maybe pride. Though she could also be angry st herself for not being better. You'll probably never know. Either way, she's making your suicidal crisis about her - not about you. And that's no good.

What are your other options for therapy? Are you totally stuck, or is there another way to go?

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

@joeylittle I think no one could have said it better. The very fact that this is an issue by itself not even considering other factors says that she should take a survey of her options, and consider some other avenues based on a carefully considered set of information.

I have had these same kind of problems my whole life, and thus never got the right care, and all I saw was control and judgemental stances, it was enough that around 2000 I dropped out of the system completely and lived without medicine and thus hypomanic most of the time, I got by 15 years that way, by some miracle I am surprised that I did not get hospitalized during that time. It was not until I moved, that my mania got worse and created a crisis, but from that came a lot of good, I got introduced to DBT, and every clinician along the way was actually giving me the right help, I have many working with me now and I would not trade them for anything. In fact a relative wanted us to do just that (moving), and I had to turn it down because I am getting the right care, and those working with me and not telling me what I should do or judging me or controlling me and thus making choices for me, they are there for me, guiding me, and giving me the tools so "I" am the one who is responsible for the choices and my path in life which includes my recovery path.

Having the right people helping you can make all the difference. As this is the first time in my life I have ever been able to tell my therapists and such that the abuse therapy work makes me want to cut to relieve the painful emotions and not get forced into the hospital for feeling that way. Instead they are all there helping me use my DBT skills to manage those feelings and not act on the urges.

It's an 180 degree turn from the past :joyful:.

I see a lot of similarity in my past clinicians with her current therapist issues, I strongly feel that she should take a step back so she can regain a clear perspective, and then survey what is available to her in terms of options.

I would recommend to her if there is a support group in her area for eating disorders or PTSD that she might attend one of there meetings, it's a great place to learn who is a good therapist and who is not for her particular needs and issues.

 

[Morphius]

I am over it now but I've had a few really rough weeks. I don't know how much I'm allowed to discuss her...

I'm so sorry to hear what a rough few weeks you've been having. I'm so glad you didn't end up doing what you intended that night. :hug:

For the record, your therapist sounds like a jerk. I've told my therapist about things similar to this and she said "If you ever feel like that, I want you to promise you'll call me, email me or reach out to the cops -- whichever you're more okay with doing. You'll be brave for it and we'll get through this together."

From the sounds of it, it doesn't sound to me like what a logical therapist would say or do. No, she can't change you mind, but a therapist is supposed to help nonetheless. I would suggest seeking treatment with someone else, if you can. I know how you feel in the fear it'll look like you're attention-seeking and that's okay. You're not. If anyone sees it that way, that's on them.

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

All of the above, by the way, is why I will only work with a seasoned professional regarding trauma issues.

While it is true that any therapist can and will make mistakes from time-to-time, those of us working on trauma issues are easily thrown by therapeutic error. Best to reduce the possibility of therapeutic error by working with a highly trained trauma specialist.

 

[GWhizz]

For the record, I don't have an eating disorder... But maybe I misread, sorry just back at work this week so only getting time to skim replies.

But thank you all for the support.

@joeylittle yes it has been a difficult matter in itself getting therapy established. I was initially dismissed by this very team, being told that you can only get PTSD from a single isolated event and not something that happened less than 6 months ago, even though I'd lived untreated with the symptoms for years until having children brought it up uncontrollably because I couldn't hide it when caring for another so closely. I was then told it was postnatal or due to moving city (although the move was years prior!).. Long story short, I fought with the director to get an official assessment as they refused one and was changed to this T who, to my surprise, went against the whole team and other T and diagnosed me. She won me over in doing so. This service specialises in BPD and used psychometric tests in the absence of a clinical assessment and veered towards BPD "traits" before I met my current T. She is skilled in DBT, and says she's very familiar with suicidal intention, however, admitted that giving me her number wasn't much help because she has never taught me specific skills that she could have helped me utilitse when I contacted her on her personal number the other week!

I agree she was unresponsive. I also understand she can't stop me, except for involuntary admission which would be difficult to achieve when I have full capacity. However, I spelled it out to her that I wanted to know if there was a better alternative, if they could help me etc. She never even attempted to explore this with me or rationalise my thoughts on it.

A few weeks ago, I had a bad reaction to a med. The on call team I spoke to at that time told me my team could set up group programmes for me immediately that week to teach specific coping strategies/skills as they felt one to one therapy was just too much for me at this time. However, when I spoke to my team during office hours, they disagreed and my T advised she knew me best and felt it best I continue with her at that time. Even though I only went downhill with her each week since and kept wanting to quit and eventually SI got to such a point that I felt I had nothing to lose in telling her.

I struggle to believe that an entire service/team can be so tragically inept. But even the on call who looked at the MDT notes pointed out to me that a risk had been identified, he himself felt I was high risk, yet he was confused that the usual PLAN was absent. He said he'd get my psychiatrist on it who the following day only offered a med I couldn't access and that wouldn't have been immediately effective anyway. I could have predicted this outcome. I believe they didn't bother set up a plan because they didn't believe I was serious. My T doesn't know that the only reason it didn't go ahead was because my partner never went away as planned, instead being home on the given night, immediately reacted to my actions and disappearance and got police involvement once he figured out the signs.

I really just feel they're spinning my wheels. I am so done with revolving my energy around a useless service. I am mentally exhausted. Afterall, the wrong type of therapy is ultimately more damaging than no therapy. My partner has been flagging this to me for a while now. I didn't want to believe it or be too paranoid. But I actually feel more empowered even now just stepping back and questioning it.

I don't have an option to pay privately right now. But my symptoms have not improved whilst attending this service, I can't see them being any worse on my own. I really wasn't offered any practical skills. And at least now I won't be coming out of sessions so dissociated I'm self harming in the carpark sitting in my car afterwards.

I know the feeling of not wanting to be hospitalised again. However, for me, it was a better option than leaving a toddler and infant without a mother. I just wish there was a responsive service that could identify my pain and offer remedy. I am thinking for now my GP is my best support. At least he can offer anti anxiety meds that can give some temporary but immediate relief when I struggle most.

Thanks for listening guys. I am just grateful to have third party opinions because I really never know whether to trust myself that they may not be helping, or whether it's simply me sabotaging relationships for myself to my own detriment.

 

[Muttly]

I'm really sorry that the service failed you so badly. You made so much effort to get more support. I have a friend who left therapy entirely and has used online support and improved, when she was stalled before that. She was not getting the therapeutic support she needed. I am not saying you should do this, just that is an option that work for some.

For me, I had a therapist who was really not equipped to deal with trauma. At some point he crossed the line of not helping to doing more harm than good. I had a similar experience to you, where I did something I've never done before and said "I need help". I was in a very bad place with self-harm and suicidal thoughts. I had a plan. I was deeply concerned because he was leaving on a three week trip. He said he could maybe set something up for me while he was gone but his tone was not at all happy. Even though, I said to please do that and he never did. Anyway, friends expressed there concern for me and that I needed to find someone else and it made a huge difference. Having someone who is there, but not really giving support, when you are someone who has a very hard time asking for help is not a good situation to be in. It can so easily reinforce all the cognitive distortions you have around needing help.

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

my team could set up group programmes for me immediately that week to teach specific coping strategies/skills

Is this option still available to you? Sounds very good.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

it seems to me that option if its available still is a very good one, as they are likely teaching DBT stuff as well as other things, and I know in my case skills have meant the difference between life or death for me literally.

 

[Angela Corgan]

I think that the person who wrote if they were really determined to 'off themselves they could is right. I agree you have to take responsibility but so does the T. I do think that a panicked response by your T to your statement wouldn't have been helpful but think a caring one and an emergency plan is essential.