My Thoughts Are Driving Me Crazy

[Snowflake]

Hi everyone-I am looking for feedback and I hope what I say makes sense. Sorry if it doesn't.

My marriage is rough. TBH haven't had sex in over two years-I am okay with this since I am dealing with childhood SA issues. His reasons for not holding me etc are I am fat, old and not sexy. (I am 49, 5'11 and 190)

Anyhow his personality is like my mother. Yes-I guess I married her. My parents abused me in many ways-sexually and verbally was the worse. My husband is just controlling and verbal. Anyhow-a part of me wants him to "love" me and another part expects him to beat me/assault me/rape me/restraint me-like my parents did to me. I almost want him too-because that is what I learned as a child-what love was like.

Are my thoughts crazy? I am afraid and ashamed to talk about this in therapy -and not sure how.

 

[VikVikViktorious]

I'm sure others will also tell you this- it is vital to discuss those things in therapy. And also, it is completely normal. Messed up? Sure. It is so complex how the brain works, and so many things don't make any sense- but it's just the way it works.

It could take many months if not years of therapy to rewire your brain. Might have some very unpleasant emotions along the way. But those things are necessary for change. Change never really comes easy.

I wish you the best. Not sure if you are able to talk to your husband about how you feel/how he makes you feel. It's a difficult convo to have- especially since these things are impossible for a mom sufferer to understand.

 

[Snowflake]

I'm sure others will also tell you this- it is vital to discuss those things in therapy. And a...

Thank you for your response -I do feel foolish for posting. I really count on feedback-and when I get no responses it concerns me that I am bad, or stupid, or crazy.

 

[VikVikViktorious]

Please don't feel foolish for posting. I would say 100% of the members in this site a) do not judge b) relate to what you are saying c) understand the mechanics of what you are saying even if they can't relate.

Furthermore, even if they don't understand the mechanics whatsover, I'd imagine they are very empathic.

There is no such thing as a "silly reason to feel xyz..." Trust me- especially as a male SA survivor- I struggled with this as well. I can't share my pain with even my best of friends, because they wouldn't understand. I'm sure "omg your uncle touched your pipi a few times get over it" would be their initial thought/response. It's totally natural- and I would not judge them for it. It is near impossible to understand or empathize if it hasn't happened to you.

And that is why we are here :)

 

[shimmerz]

Are my thoughts crazy?

No, your thoughts aren't crazy. Traumatized people have just these types of conflicts. Because they have been put into impossible situations. Normally life and death situations. We get our wires crossed about them. Abuse can feel like love and love can feel like death.

I think the idea behind healing is identifying those conflicts (just like you have detailed in this posting) and working on a happy medium.

Nope, your thoughts aren't crazy. What has happened to you is.