My Trauma Has Happened Again

[JadedGhost13]

My trauma has happened again, and I do not mean I am reliving it through flashbacks. This is a new episode, but same outcome. I am just trying to hang tight until my mental health office opens up in a few hours to see if I can get an emergency session, my only fear with that is that I will have to go to the hospital and that will cause even more stress. I have the only working car we have at this point in time, as our other car is torn down getting some major restorations done to it. So this means that my spouse who drives a truck and is gone on a trip way North and will not be back for 3-5 days would be without a ride home if I was admitted somewhere causing even more stress in my house. Then there is the thing if I wait until weekend to go to somewhere and have him to take me, then I will be without a ride home when released. I live 300 miles from any family and as with a lot of people who suffer this terrible war inside, I have isolated and therefore have no friends I could call on to get a ride home if I needed one. So I am in a REALLY HUGE MESS!

Sorry to rant, I just needed to scream this somewhere. I was so broken last time I had this trauma happen to me, and this time it feels even deeper. It took me 5 years to learn to cope and halfway live after the last episode. I do not like where I know my mind is going to take me. I am not suicidal, so please do not ascertain that I am contemplating that. But what I am is a broken, shattered soul sitting in a million pieces in the dark, and quiet empty space of my home, but its so loud inside my head I wouldn't know that it is actually quiet in here. I am all alone and I do not know how to pick myself up this time.

 

[billie]

Go to the fridge and get some ice out. Hold it in your hands for a while. Also have some sips of water. (((hugs)))

 

[Mercy]

Hang in there. Your Mental Health office will be opening soon. This forum is exactly the right place to come for support. Do you have a trauma diary set up. It helps me keep track of where I have been and allows me to spot a trend I wasn't aware of.

 

[bell]

Agreed with what everyone else here has said. At this point, I also would totally try and distract myself with something funny on TV or a movie or something, anything to get my mind off the time. You can do this! And looking at the timestamp on your message, it looks like you might have already done so! Yeah!

 

[JadedGhost13]

My mental health office just opened a little while ago. The fastest I can get in is one week from today, the only other way to be seen sooner would mean checking in somewhere and I just cant, even though deep down I know I need it. Maybe next week, who knows.

I tried to nap, didnt happen, have screamed at the top of my lungs for hours now. Thank Goodness I have no close neighbors. Because I cannot get calmed down I am turning to my last resort, a herbal smoke. I looked at the clock earlier and thought of getting booze, its a shame, the beer store opens before the mental health office. I did resist the urge to drink, I've been sober for almost 6 months now, and I do. Not want to get back into the habit of drinking. Just not a good mix for me. This is going to be one helluva long week.

 

[bell]

Do you have any hobbies? Anything that when you do it, it takes your mind off the clock? Or, if you don't have any hobbies, is there anything that you'd like to learn? The trick here is to get your mind off the clock. Getting your mind off the clock, should help you from getting your mind off booze.

And when it comes to drinking, I know when I quit smoking, and I wanted a smoke months later, what really kept me going was, do I really want to wake up tomorrow and be at Day 1 again? It kept me moving forward (it's been over 10 years now!) and realizing that I am strong and that I can do this. (And realizing how much better my life is without the cigarettes!)

 

[Mercy]

Congratulations on your 6 months sober. That is a major victory! Good for you.
:tup:

 

[JadedGhost13]

bell, I do wish that I enjoyed my hobbies right now. I have not been in my studio since before Christmas and then it was only to wrap up some gifts. I also garden, but its way too cold for that!

I do not know if I will make it through the week. I woke up in the exact same condition and frame of mine I was in before I medicated myself so I could sleep. And to top it off I went to order some refills at my pharmacy and they will not have my medication until tomorrow.

One thing I do actually find somewhat enjoying is gourmet coffee, so I got into my collection and I am trying to relax with a cup of joe.

Do any of you relapse back into a deep state of symptoms? Or have you experienced more trauma? I feel like this is hitting me harder than the other times this has happened. Its like each time that I experience a trauma that my emotions and actions are more elevated than the time before. I do not know if the trauma is actually more painful or if it just feels more overwhelming because it is happening again. Either way, I know that I cannot continue a cycle like this with each episode being harder to bounce back from than the last.

Maybe Spring weather will help. I garden and grow not only veggies for my household, but I enjoy exotic plants as well. I have the plant lights helping me keep my potted exotics alive over the winter and if I am able I would like to add to my collection, so there is something that maybe I can divert with ( ordering exotic seed )

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

You're doing great! (((JadedGhost)))

 

[JadedGhost13]

I faltered this evening. I purchased wine and had a bottle with my 3 begrudged bites of whatever it was I warmed up in the microwave. The wine taste like crap by the way but I still finished the bottle because I dont like wine after its been open for a period of time. I did stop at one bottle though and I did purchase more than one bottle. So that is somewhat of a positive even though I did falter n my sobriety. However I controlled my drinking very well so I do know my mind isnt 100% non functuable today.

 

[bell]

POUR THE OTHER BOTTLES DOWN THE SINK.

(Sorry to yell at you, but just sayin'.)

And yes, it's good that you controlled your drinking.

And, as a fellow creative, go to your studio. Especially when you want to drink. Channel that drinkin' energy into a better place. I'm pulling for you!

 

[Mercy]

Do any of you relapse back into a deep state of symptoms?

Yes, I can go along managing most of my symptoms. At other times, depending on how much stress I have , my symptoms get really bad- flashbacks, hypervigilance, periferal vision making me turn my head only to find ther is nothing there, anxiety, cold sweats...

Its like each time that I experience a trauma that my emotions and actions are more elevated than the time before.

I hear you. That has happened for me too. Here's an image that might make sense. Image using bricks as representing life with traumas. Imagine a row of bricks 1 brick wide. Now put two more bricks in the center of the wall. That part of the wall is two bricks wide. With each trauma and flashback, add two more bricks to the center of the wall. Looking at the wall we can see that the center section is taller. Any subsequent trauma will find its way to the trauma section of the wall. The weight of those bricks are able to make the ground below them sink.

For me EMDR therapy has worked very well for me to prevent memories and recent events from stacking up.