Sexual Assault My trauma is keeping me up. self-blame

[Icantdeal]

I know the sticky said that this forum is focused around people who have ptsd, but my country doesn't have a forum for this as far as I'm aware, and I'm hoping someone might have some words for me. I feel alone in this, and even though I don't have a diagnosis, there's definitely some trauma.

I was abused when I was 16 by someone I should have been able to trust. When I tell others about what happened and how I blame myself, they always tell me it wasn’t my fault. That if it happened to anyone else, I would have blamed the abuser, not the victim. And it’s true.

BUT
the thought/realisation I’m losing sleep over is this: I could have avoided it. If I wasn’t so terrible at putting up boundaries, it wouldn’t have happened. I could have left at any point, but I let him talk me into staying. I let him lead me to the bedroom. I let him take my clothes off.

People tell me I was young and scared and insecure, and he took advantage of that. He was the one who exploited my weaknesses, he was the adult, he should have known better. Guess what, so should I.
The thought is bothering me, and I can’t sleep.

And I see where people are coming from. And they’re right, and I shouldn’t blame myself, but I do, and it hurts.
I can’t make it stop once it starts, the self blame. I just gotta wait it out.

Is there any way I can make the flood of negative thoughts stop, at least long enough for me to get some sleep?
How do I break out of the self-blame?
How do I learn to live with what happened?

 

[Justmehere]

Have you thought about counseling?

 

[Icantdeal]

I can't afford it at the moment.
I was given some free sessions, but the therapist seemed more concerned with making sure I wasn't keeping myself from being happy with regards to admitting my true gender preference to myself.
... And also with my life story, even though none of it had anything to do with what happened to me.

I didn't feel like talking to her helped, so I said goodbye after 9 sessions. I can't afford a therapist at the moment.

 

[BigBirdsSister]

I am so sorry you are going through so much pain. He was an adult, you were a minor and that creates an uneven power dynamic. He abused that and you. It is in no way what so ever your fault. The self blame is horrible to have to cope with, so I truely feel for you. I was in a simalar situation, in which I felt like it was my fault because I didn't say no "hard enough". In my situation, I was coerced into it and have recently been having similar feelings of self blame to yours. But you know what? It wasn't my fault and it isnt your fault either. You're not alone. So many have been through similar situations. Your pain and feelings are valid.

 

[Justmehere]

What about talking with your GP about seeing if there is a way to get trauma-specific therapy? I didn’t find general life talk therapy helpful either.

Shame is a tough issue many struggle with after sexual assault. You are taking a good step in the right direction by seeking to connect with others about it.

The truth is that you and I are not so powerful as to control someone so much as to be at blame for their actions. You are only responsible for you.

Some believe that self blame after trauma is a way that people try to make sense and avoid feeling helpless and powerless. For me, it helped me to feel less ashamed by taking back my voice and building good boundaries in my life now.

To stop the self blame, you can also try grounding techniques or challenges to cognitive distortions.

Check out these threads for more info:
Grounding Techniques : Group Effort Article
Grounding 101

We also have a whole sub-forum about Core Beliefs/ Cognitive Distortions. Read through it and I think you’ll see you are not alone in the struggle.

It can get better though.

 

[SpacemanSpiff]

Thanks for sharing your story. As others have said you sharing about your trauma is an excellent step in the right direction and even if only on an internet forum for the time being. The thing I personally do when the thoughts get overwhelming is to distract myself. If I'm laying in bed I get up and play video games or if I need to I'll put headphones on and blast my favorite band. If you just let them simmer they will fester and infect you with more negative thoughts. I feel breaking the cycle can ease the flashbacks a bit.

And as a side note you are welcome here because you are a human being who desires to heal. Labels are just labels. We care for you. :)

 

[joeylittle]

People tell me I was young and scared and insecure, and he took advantage of that. He was the one who exploited my weaknesses, he was the adult, he should have known better. Guess what, so should I.
The thought is bothering me, and I can’t sleep.

I understand the moral ambiguity in this - it can be incredibly confusing to figure out where the line sits between a painful, consequential mistake, vs. something that was done to you. I think the hardest part is, it can be both things. There are often many small pieces, individual moments of choice, that all add up to create a singular event.

Do you think you can write more about what happened? Sometimes, it helps.

 

[Icantdeal]

I can try, but I don't know where to start. It might help if you asked some questions. Is there anything particular?

 

[Abstract]

Would like to tell us in a few sentences what you at blame for? If able. Or if easier why others have said it isn't your fault.

 

[Icantdeal]

I'll try.
It was one of the first boyfriends I'd had. I was 16 (that's 11 years ago), he was 22.
We had been seeing each other for a couple of weeks, and he'd been talking about wanting to have sex. I wasn't that into him, but he was a really good friend of some friends of mine, and I was scared they'd get angry with me for rejecting him. I was also young and confused and insecure, and I guess it felt good that at least someone liked me.

Anyways. I was at his place one night, and he told me now would be a good time to have the sex. I don't think I said yes, but I didn't say no either. We went to the bedroom, and without any foreplay or time to build things up, we got started. It hurt very bad, and I got scared and told him to pull out. He kept saying "hold on a little longer, I'm almost there", and I kept begging him to stop.
Sometimes when I think of it, it feels like it was only 10 seconds. Other times it feels like minutes. I don't know why my brain distorts the time like that.

When he finally pulled out, I tried to get out of bed an put my clothes on, but he kept kissing and grabbing me and trying to pull me back into bed. I did eventually manage to leave, though.

I blame myself because I should have put up boundaries. I shouldn't have let him pressure me into doing it, I shouldn't have gone with him to the bedroom, I should have stopped it before it began and just left.
This is where the people I've told normally rationalise my actions by telling me I was insecure and scared, and that I was young and didn't know better.
... And they usually also say he must have known how insecure I was, and that he should have taken better care of me and respected my wish to stop it.

It took me many years to classify it as a rape. I was in denial for the longest time, and I suppressed the memories until they all came flooding back one evening 3 years later, and I was reduced to a sobbing mess.
I'm still not convinced it was rape, but I have no doubt that my psyche reacted as though it was.

It's affected all my relationships, my trust in others, and my ability to perform sexually. I feel like he killed my sexuality before it began.

I keep blaming myself, because I feel like if I had been smarter and mentally stronger, it wouldn't have happened. I feel like it was completely avoidable had I done things differently, and thereby my own fault.

 

[Freida]

I think going back to therapy would be good to help you sort this out. A situation like this will take more than 9 sessions - because there are so many things for you to work for. First off -- helping you understand you didn't do anything wrong and you are NOT to blame for what happened.

. I was 16 (that's 11 years ago), he was 22.

he was a predator who went after a child. Yes - you were 16 but that's still a child. He was 22. He was a predator.

I was scared they'd get angry with me for rejecting him. I was also young and confused and insecure, and I guess it felt good that at least someone liked me.

You were a teenager who had completely normal feelings for her age - and he took advantage of that. He was a predator

I'm still not convinced it was rape, but I have no doubt that my psyche reacted as though it was.

It was rape. Or sexual assault. or whatever word fits best for you to help accept that you were harmed and you didn't deserve to be

I keep blaming myself, because I feel like if I had been smarter and mentally stronger, it wouldn't have happened. I feel like it was completely avoidable had I done things differently, and thereby my own fault.

No darlin - there was NOTHING you could have done differently--- because you didn't do anything wrong. You had no control over this situation - no matter what you tell yourself. You were a victim of a crime caused by someone else. You are not to blame. This was not your fault. And we will keep repeating that to you for as long as necessary.

 

[Icantdeal]

Thank you :)