Sexual Assault My trauma is keeping me up. self-blame

[Icantdeal]

I can't help but feel like there was SOMETHING I could have done differently.
I mean, at the time I felt like I didn't have a choice, but now I can't drop the feeling that I really did.

I wish I could make my mind focus on the fact that injustice happened to me, instead of on self-blame.
And I'm scared of asking my doctor for a referral, because that means I have to tell them what happened to me. And if a part of me still doesn't fully believe it was rape and not my own fault, will they be able to pick up on that and think I'm lying?

 

[Abstract]

I think its certainly possible for our internal critics stance on things to be what we say to others and for them to take that as the truth. I wish I could say otherwise. Not everyone is as informed about trauma as we would like. Could you write down the basics and just hand them it in written form and that way you control what comes out? It depends how well you know your dr. All you need from them is the referral. A therapist will be more clued in on how to deal with all this and be more knowledgeable.

I had terrible boundaries as a child and right into adulthood. That was definitely something I needed to work through in therapy, as well as the reasons I was like that. That however is a separate thing to the wrong acts done to me by others. No and stop mean no and no matter at what point. Processing experiences like this can be complex and that is why a good therapist is essential and the priority. I'm really sorry you are dealing with all of this.

 

[Icantdeal]

The written form sounds like a good idea :)

 

[joeylittle]

I'm still not convinced it was rape, but I have no doubt that my psyche reacted as though it was.

I can't help but feel like there was SOMETHING I could have done differently.
I mean, at the time I felt like I didn't have a choice, but now I can't drop the feeling that I really did.

I understand this. And I'd like you to know that what I'm about to say is meant in the spirit of support, not criticism.

You are right - you could have done things differently. But also, at the time, you didn't understand/believe that you could. Both of those things are true. And I would actually agree with you - I don't think it was all rape. But I also fully understand you knowing that your psyche had such a strong negative reaction, especially when you were in pain and did not have the ability to make it stop. So in that sense, yes, you experienced rape.

It's complicated stuff. I'll offer this, if it helps. My trauma began with me getting into a car willingly, even wantingly, but it was a terrible choice and I truly should have known better. I knew even then that I was doing something I was not supposed to do. But I liked the guy, and thought he liked me, and that just won out over all my judgement.

I will regret that choice forever. And it's something I struggle with, still - accepting that I did have a choice, and I made the wrong one.

But: he had motivations that were not the same as mine. What he wanted was not what I wanted to give. And in that regard, I am not to blame. I did not want what happened. He is responsible for his choice to take advantage of my youth, my naivete, and my pliability. He chose to hurt me, I didn't choose to be hurt.

So yes, you were dating this guy, and he said, lets go have sex, and you went with him into the bedroom. That was something you now know was a choice. Back then, you didn't perceive the choice. He made his own choice to use you sexually, and he chose to take what he wanted despite what I can assume was your obvious distress and discomfort, and unreadiness. You aren't responsible for his choice, there.

What you did, going into that room, was a mistake. What he did, by continuing to use you sexually despite your pain and wanting it to stop, was more than a mistake, it was morally wrong, and probably criminally wrong as well.

Can you see how a mistake and a moral wrong are not the same as each other? It's hard to come to terms with big mistakes, it really is. That's part of what you need to work on. But another thing that can maybe help, is letting yourself understand that he did a wrong thing. Not a mistake. And you were the victim in that situation.

 

[Icantdeal]

What you said makes sense.
Did I understand it right when I boil it down to I didn't know better, but he did, and he chose to act wrongly on that?

I mean... Like you said, he must have noticed my unwillingness, and after I told him to stop, there was really no doubt what my intentions were. He should have respected that.
When I think about that, I feel angry. And then I feel guilty for being angry, because my upbrining wrongfully taught me that being angry was forbidden.
I guess it's easier to deal with being angry at myself than being angry with others.

 

[joeylittle]

I didn't know better, but he did, and he chose to act wrongly on that?

Yep. You know better now, but that's what makes it hard to accept that back then, you didn't understand that there were options.

Like you said, he must have noticed my unwillingness, and after I told him to stop, there was really no doubt what my intentions were. He should have respected that.
When I think about that, I feel angry.

Yes. This is all correct.

And then I feel guilty for being angry, because my upbrining wrongfully taught me that being angry was forbidden.

I really understand this. I find it nearly impossible to get angry - I can understand that I want to get angry, and then it just turns into something else (usually, sadness). For me, it's not because of how I was raised, it's for other reasons, but the result is the same.

And yes, it's pretty normal to feel that anger, not know how to handle it, and then turn it on yourself. Just acknowledge that you are allowed to be angry at him for his actions. You might not be able to 'feel' it, but hopefully doing that can keep you from turning it back on yourself, or mixing it up with having gone into the bedroom. That was a mistake, and you will feel regret, frustration....regret is a really hard thing to feel. But please, try and keep it separate from what he did. He harmed you. You did not harm him.

 

[Icantdeal]

Thank you, that's very helpful :)

 

[8888]

It's not your fault. Your abuser chose to abuse you, that is his fault alone. You didn't let him take your clothes off, he made that choice on his own. No one deserves abuse and everyone deserves to heal, and you are no exception. Something that has helped me is picturing a similar situation happening to someone else. If it had happened to someone else would you blame that person for being abused? It's not as likely you would, and it may help you realize you deserve that same compassion from yourself.

 

[Gs172003]

I can't help but feel like there was SOMETHING I could have done differently.
I mean, at the time I...

Honey I do the same thing. I think it's the nature of the beast. I do it constantly.

 

[SpacemanSpiff]

Hi there. Just an fyi. If you are still feeling bad and need someone to talk to there is a website called rainn.org where you can chat live with someone.