My Way To Fight Back

[Deleted member 19804]

So I had a pretty good day. Well, compared to the last few weeks or maybe even months. I had trouble motivating myself to start studying, so I spent the entire morning and part of the afternoon reading fiction and watching a tv show (which I regret now). But when I had to go to therapy, I took my bike. I got lost on the way, but I made it there and that's what matters most - that I didn't give up.

Though I was 20 minutes late, therapy was pretty good. I did feel stupid and crazy and above all humiliated, because I admitted to her how afraid I had been the past few weeks that maybe I had HIV and how that fear took my life over completely. Thank God the tests came back negative, but boy was I afraid. I told my T that the fear of having such an illness probably affects me this much because not only does it hurt me, but it is potentially dangerous to those around me. And if I'm afraid of anything, it's seriously hurting or even losing someone I love, and the whole thing being my fault.

I agree with my T that my belief that I am not a good and worthy person is so strong that it affects everything in my life and that it needs to be treated. But she wanted to quit our sessions in trauma reprocessing and send me to a group where I could talk about my negative self-image and my social anxiety. That isn't what I want. Yes, I want those feelings to end, but not as badly as I want to get rid of my PTSD. When I was in high school and battling anorexia/bulimia, I had trouble keeping my grades up, but I still managed to stay in a very good school, have fun, play field hockey and get up at 7 a.m. every morning.
Now that I have PTSD combined with major depression, I have trouble passing my courses at uni, which used to be just a basic, relatively easy part of my life. I also have nightmares, anxiety attacks, extreme fear of (strange) men, very little energy etc. .etc., combined with depressive tendencies and dependence on the maximum dosage of Zoloft.

So I pretty much told her the contents of my post from May and she said it was very clear to her what I wanted now. I told her I realised it was going to be very difficult to get through all the walls I built up and actually even start real EMDR, but that I desperately wanted to try it. Even if it means I have to work on it every day.

She's found me a potential therapy group filled with people from 21 to 27 years old. And we're going to keep the EMDR treatment going. So I'm pretty happy about that.

Just got myself to do some studying, as I had seriously been slacking today. Went quite well, considering I started around 11 p.m. Now it's time for me to go to bed. Hope I'll do some more good work tomorrow morning.

 

[RussH]

Snow good for you!
I know all too well the feelings of not being a good person, or not being worthy, because I suffer with the same feelings. It is fairly common for those of us who have been traumatized. After all, in my case, if everyone is telling me I am no good and not worthy, then it must be true. But it's not true.

I am a christian, and as such I believe their is an enemy of my soul that would stop at nothing to make me feel worthless, and no good. However God has shown me time and time again that I am worth something, and I am good because He has called me good.

Snow I say that simply to tell you that you are a good, no a great person. You are priceless and a precious person whose worth cannot be measured by tanigable means.

Although we have never truly met, I admire your strength, yes your strength. Sure you have struggled and you have negative aspects of your being from your trauma, PTSD and all that, but you survived the trauma, not just physically, but you have survived mentally and emotionally. You are fighting to regain all that was stolen from you, and that takes strength and character. So sweet lady, when those feelings of worthlessness and being no good start attacking you, look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that you are worthy are you are a good person.

The person who traumatized you, and made you feel no good and worthless is a liar, and is controled by the father of lies. So sweetheart listen to the truth you are good and you are worthy to be liked, respected and accepted by others, but especially by yourself.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Thank you so much, Russ. You just showered me with kind words.. I don't know what to say. It means a lot.

I know I have survived physically, but does the same really go for the mental and emotional parts? I mean, I know I'm not crazy, but I am seriously damaged in those areas. It might not always show, as I thankfully have lots of good moments too, but I do feel like a part of me has been broken.

These days it's like everything's slipping through my hands, especially my study. I just can't seem to get myself to do the work along with taking normal care of myself. I feel like I'm on the verge of breaking down once again - and I've barely been doing anything.

I had a small fight with a b**chy coworker today. Normally I would just let her dominate me and put me down, but this time I felt so crappy that I refused to let her. She told me I have been very negative and naggy lately and wanted me to confess having communicated to her in a hostile and inappropriate way. Well all I've done is stand up for myself in a still polite, but urgent way. Because I am sick of her bullying. So I told her that of course I'm willing to discuss things with her in the future, but only if she would adjust her tone and the way she treats me in general. Ha, she didn't like that.

I have to work this entire weekend even though I have a lot of studying to do so it really sucks. I am seriously considering calling in sick tomorrow morning. I have better things to do than being bullied at a parttime job.

 

[RussH]

Snow, I am proud of you, you stood up for yourself. As for surviving. Yes you are alive. Yes you are damaged mentally and emotionally, but you have not given up on life, and you have not given up on yourself.
I don't know what your religious beliefs are, but the bible talks about pottery, and uses it as a metaphor of us, and how God deals with us, and guess what? We are all broken, damaged pottery in one way or another, and yet God still loves us, and uses us.

Snow I know that you are damaged and hurting, and I wish to God I could take the pain and sorrow off of you, and make you well. If it were possible I would take it from you, and shoulder the burden myself. I do care about you, and truly hate it that you went through what you did.

Know this; your abuser had no right to do what he did. He had no right to rob you of your innocence. He had no right to take from you your sense of self worth and dignity. You see when we are abused there is a part of our phyche that tells us the abuser would not have done this if I did not deserve it. They would not have done this if I were a good person. He would not have done this if I was worth something, but he did, so I must not be good I must have deserved it and I am not worth anything. does this sound familar? Trust me I know these feelings and thoughts. But the truth is sweetheart, what he did is his problem, his not being good his not being worthy. You did not deserve it! It is not a reflection of how good you are, it happened in spite of how good you are.

Snow, I will not snow (pardon the pun) you, it is possible you will never fully recover from the trauma,but you can control its outcome on your life. You can use your experience to help others who have been victimized. You can reach out in the strength you possess and help them. You can take that broken piece of pottery and let it be used for a thing of beauty, because you are beautiful.
I want to do something. I want to send you a pm and give you my e-mail. I check it everyday. If you are having a bad day and just need someone to talk to you can e-mail me some contact information and I will contact you. If you don't want to do this, that is fine. I just want you to know you are not alone

 

[Deleted member 19804]

@RussH I'm sorry, I must have forgotten to reply to your message. My apologies, I hope you know it was not out of disinterest, but purely because of my forgetfulness

I do recognise what you're saying. I already felt worthless before I was raped and saw the rape as a confirmation that "sex" must be all I'm good for. It shattered the last bits of self-worth I had left. Which is probably one of the reasons why it took me so long to recognise the abuse as such; I was completely convinced that I had deserved all that was done to me. I was nothing. I felt so sad and guilty; I had wanted to be a good person so badly and I had ruined it already. I did, however, really want to live a happy life and therefore I tried to compensate for my wrongdoings and unworthiness.

Luckily, though, I feel much better now. But whenever I forget to take my meds, I once again feel part of the pain I went through. I really hope I can get through this.

Currently, I have the life goal of starting my own family, working parttime and having a nice husband and not too many issues - financial or otherwise. I want to do some volenteering and stand up for what I believe in. I don't want a lot of possessions, or eternal beauty. I just want to be good and be happy.

 

[RussH]

@Snowwhite It is good to hear from you. I am glad you got my message. I figured you were busy. Snow, as mentioned, like you I suffer from feelings of no worth. Conversely, it is easy for me to see worth in others just not myself.

Having said that, I will again state you are a young lady of great worth and value. I am proud to know you, and I am honored to call you friend. I am confident you will see your dream fulfilled, and think you will make a wo younderful wife and mother some day.

Snow, there is a guy out there who will love you for who you are, and not just what you can give him in bed. He will value you as a person, and an equal. I really look forward to the day you meet him, and can tell me about him.

How did the classes go? Let me know.

Russ

 

[Deleted member 19804]

So a small update:

I finally announced my resignation at my job! Starting september 1st I no longer have to work for and with those selfish, ignorant bullies.

I'm still pretty scared of the results of my latest exam resit.. I'm afraid I didn't make it. Again.

I'm trying to get a better grip on my life and it seems to be working, though it is going very, very slowly.

Oh and I got some new clothes in the mail today and that just makes me happy :)

 

[RussH]

Snow,
You are a special lady, and I am honored to have you as a friend. I bet you look terrific in your new clothes.

I am glad you will not have to work for those bullies, and I know this; you have survived a lot in your life, and that ability to survive tells me you are a strong person, and that strength will get you to the place you want to be both professionally and personally.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Thank you, Russ :) you made me smile.

I do really love the dress I got. It's a really sweet one: very light yellow with dark pink and blue roses all over it. It reaches all the way to the ground. I feel really good in it and, given my history with eating disorder, that says a lot. :)

We were visiting family today and though everyone gets along, I tend to have trouble to keep the conversation going. My family all lives in a completely different world, with different interests and a different way of life. It's often in events like these that after a while my thoughts start to wander and I end up getting flashbacks, which is exactly what happened today.

I hadn't had those in a while, but now I think I know why. All those days that I spend behind a computer screen, watching tv shows, playing a video game , I don't get flashbacks because there is pretty much no possibility of me being triggered. It is not what I want my life to be like forever, but at least this allows me to escape all the fear and the pain that the real world causes me. I'm not being overly dramatic when I say I have PTSD (I often downplay the symptoms and think I'm being some kind of attention w****)- I really do have it. And it's times like these when I am once again confronted with the truth.

Yes I have great meds and I'm apparently also very good at distracting myself, but all of that does nothing but help me run from the problem. But it will keep haunting me forever if I don't step up and confront it. It's so easy to tell yourself to stop being such a wuss and get on with your life. And at first it might actually work. But no matter how hard you try, you cannot outrun trauma. Sooner or later it will catch up with you and you'll be right back at where you started.

Truth is, I'm not fine. I'm pretty damn messed up. If it weren't for the medication, there would be absolutely nothing left of me.

 

[RussH]

@Snowwhite Normally I would not say thank you to medications, but if it means you being here, then I say thank you to your meds.

I am glad you like your dress, and I bet you do look good in it.

I also have trouble with large gatherings. I tend to find a place to park, and watch the others have fun and interact together. A lot of times I just don't feel like fit in. If we are in a group setting and we are discussing specific topics I do fine; it's when it is strictly a social gathering, and people are just chit-chatting that I feel like a third wheel, or just don't feel like I fit in.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

I know what you mean, Russ. It can make you feel so uncomfortable. I often feel like a socially awkward geek and of course that doesn't exactly make things better. I have had a lovely experience in my wirk group at uni. I learned so much about myself and the others there. I tend to place people on a pedestal - especially those who look beautiful and confident. Turns out one of those people actually really liked me from the start. It was a huge eye opener for me and I really hope you'll have a similar experience some time. You're a great guy, Russ.

I have been holding back a little about how I'm doing. Some things are going great, but at the same time I am not taking good enough care of myself. I haven't been eating very well and I've been getting back some of the anorexic tendencies. I'm not really dieting, but I am skipping meals and that is not good.

I'm not really putting much thought in it though - I almost never have an appetite for anything and the only real change seems to be that I'm no longer pushing myself enough to eat regularly and healthily. And the scary thing about this, is that part of me doesn't want this to stop. That part wants back control. But I won't let it. I have been fighting anorexia for too long to fall back now. PTSD already makes my life hard enough, I cannot combine that with eating disorder. Time to get myself together.

 

[RussH]

:Snow,

Thank you for sharing that. I appreciate your trusting me with this information, and I do care about your well-being.
I want to see you take care of yourself. You are much too valuable of a person to not do so. I don't want to see you start to spiral downward, and poor nutrition can affect our mental health.
However I do understand dealing with issues, and sometimes it is just hard to make ourselves do what we need to do.

Here is an idea: Come up with a list of foods you have never had, or have not had in a long time. it can be something simple:a fruit salad, bowl of ice cream (ok that's not healthy, but it is a reward), just something you like, or want to try. Maybe it is going to your favorite restaurant for a salad.
Then, set daily goals, small goals, and follow the completion of a goal with a reward.

Keep me posted on how you are doing.

I will send you another message shortly to tell you about my trip and send some pictures:)

Russ