My Way To Fight Back

[joeylittle]

I am supposed to contact a support group for young people who have small struggles in everyday life, like procrastinating or anxiety in social situations. And I agree such a group would be good for me. But it's just so sudden. I mean, I can't even say the word "rape" in my native language because it terrifies me.

I think you should talk with her, of course. But when I read your post it struck me that you likely felt this frightened and kind of shoved into it when you started doing your work with your therapist. Possible? Progress isn't always a nice steady climb, sometimes there's a bit of leaping involved.

Perhaps you could do a good split of time with your therapist while you are getting attached to more of a group-therapy model.

But also, even though it's scary, it's also awesome. Healing is hard, but it's good, too.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Thank you for your support joeylittle :)

But when I read your post it struck me that you likely felt this frightened and kind of shoved into it when you started doing your work with your therapist. Possible?

Do you mean that I felt thrown in at the deep end? That's possible, but I wanted to get better. At first I wasn't ready and we beat around the bush for about 6 months, but then I really wanted to get better and I was ready to do the work. I feel like I've only barely started and now all of a sudden she's telling me we're done.

She knows that there is more trauma in my history, that I was sexually abused before. But apparently that isn't that important? When I think back at those times, including the rape, I still get triggered badly. Sometimes it takes hours for me to calm down. I guess I had expected to 'know' when I was healed, you know? That when someone would tell me I was healed I would actually feel like that was true.

I know it's irrational, but I can't help but feel rejected. Like she's shipping me off. I have been in contact with the leader of that therapy group before I really got into the EMDR, because my T had told me maybe I should work on my other smaller problems before I would be able to handle EMDR treatment. The group leader told me I was not allowed to enter the group therapy if I was still in trauma therapy. When I told my therapist about that, she said "well, of course you're not allowed to do that. It would mean you have to stop coming here and continue therapy over there." Well thanks a lot for telling me that in advance!
I felt so humiliated back then. That's when I told my T I really wanted to work on getting better, no matter the cost. So we did. And now, a few months later, it feels like she's so eager to get rid of me. I know it sounds ridiculous. I'm usually a very rational person. But right now I don't know what to do or feel anymore.

 

[RussH]

Snow, many years ago, 1989, I was in a bad accident, and suffered a badly broken ankle along with other injuries that required me to spend five days in the hospital. I remember when the Doctor told me they were sending me home. Now you would think that would be good news, but I was terrified.

I did not know how I was going to cope with my injuries, and I had also built, in my mind, a safe place at the hospital, and suddenly that safe place was being taken away, and I was afraid of what was out there beyond my hospital room.

I think perhaps you are experiencing this same kind of fear. You feel like your safe area is being removed and you are not sure how you will cope, but snow you will be fine.

I have seen a remarkable change in you this past year and you are doing so well, and I think you will do fine without the emdr. You, my dear friend, and doing remarkable in your healing and I am proud of you.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Russ, I love the way you explained this. I think you're right: it has taken me a lot of time and effort to completely open up to my T, to trust her, to tell her my darkest fears and secrets. And now it is just over. It feels like the rug is pulled out from under me, you know? Plus, now that I think of it, it may still be some attachment issues. I have felt rejected by her before and it took a lot for me to not run away at that instant. This time, however, all my insecurities and negative emotions are washing over me. That bad little voice inside me that I've been trying to get rid of now once again has room to speak up. It's saying things like that I shouldn't have trusted her and I'm a fool for thinking I deserve help, that I have embarrassed myself so terribly.. etc etc.

You are right, this is a good thing. I need to sort this out one step at a time without running away. Things will get better, it's just a very emotional (which in my world equals 'very scary') process that I need to go through now. But it will be worth it.

Thank you for your love and support as always, my friend :hug:

 

[Deleted member 19804]

So I've been talking about how I've had trouble with my therapy ending and I got a new insight today. I went to a lecture at my university about sexual abuse. The person who gave the lecture was a childhood sexual abuse survivor herself, and currently a psychologist. She talked about her own experiences, but also about how much even specialised mental health care lacks in knowledge and understanding of sexual abuse and what it does to people. How making a diagnosis and following through with one of the few options for trauma therapy by the book does not equal completely fixing the problem. And how many people still have to fight really hard to even get the right kind of treatment.

She told the story of one of her clients, who had one day told her doctor that she had been sexually abused by her brother. She was then referred to a mental health institution, where she got the diagnosis of depression. Then another therapist gave her one for an anxiety disorder. Then. when she still hadn't received help for her problems, she protested, which made another therapist diagnose her with a personality disorder. And so on. It took almost 25 years for someone to actually ask her how she felt about what had happened to her.

This may be an extreme example, but it shows how much so called professionals still have to learn on this topic. Apparently even among professionals specialised in treating victims of spousal agression, only 40% asks their client if they've been sexually abused! And even then, many of them find that topic too complex and ignore it or refer their client to someone else.

Her speech really struck a nerve with me. I have apparently finished EMDR treatment and so my therapist has declared me to be cured. She hasn't asked me how I feel. She has even completely ignored my multiple attempts to tell her that I have been sexually abused long before I was raped. And I mean I have actually said that I had been through similar things before.
Is it so bad of me that I do not feel like I've completely healed? That there are still pieces of my past that I need to process. Does that make me an attention seeker? Does that mean I'm overreacting? I don't feel like I am. It usually takes a lot to provoke any kind of negative feelings with me. I want to get better. I don't like being in therapy! I f*cking hate having to talk about those terrible parts of my past. I wish I could forget all about them. But I can't. That's why I'm in therapy.

During EMDR I did what my therapist told me to do. I talked about what was within the range of topics she wanted me to talk about. Yes, the rape was the biggest trauma and the trigger of my PTSD. But I have been abused before. And it really hurts that she won't listen to me when I try to talk about it. It's already hard enough bringing it up. I thought a therapist was supposed to care about these things.

Sorry for the negative tone today, I'm just feeling very emotional today due to the lecture and another event: my dad told me today that my grandpa's wife has just been diagnosed with ALS. It's just all too much.

 

[WillyKat]

A friend of mine is a psychologist and he tells me much the same thing. While there are many mental health professionals, many of them don't have the proper training for the many issues they deal with. Moreover, there aren't enough professionals to deal with all the need.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Thank you, Willykat. It's nice to know someone understands. :hug:

 

[RussH]

Snow, with all due respect to your therapist, I am not sure they can pronounce you cured when you yourself don't feel cured.

Sexual abuse is something that affects people in so many ways that understanding it is really difficult.

As for your being negative; I think you are a remarkable young lady, and I am proud of you.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I go into therapy for tune ups now when the need arises. Feel free to search for another therapist until you find the one that really understands where you are coming from. There is no cure for PTSD. Only managing symptoms and having more good days than bad.

I wish you well on your journey. I hope you continue with therapy until you feel that things are resolved for you.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Thank you @RussH and @gizmo :hug: It's so nice that you're here for me.

I agree that my therapist can't just pronounce me 'cured' when I really don't feel like I am. This has become more and more clear to me these past few days, since the fear, stress, hypervigilance and dissociation have been getting worse again. We have worked on the outer layers of my worst trauma and it has helped me a lot, but that doesn't mean that I'm cured and pretending to feel like shit. I think there is still a lot of emotions bottled up inside of me that need to be processed. Not to mention that there are 2 more traumas in my history that haven't even been touched yet.

I think you're right, gizmo: there is no cure for PTSD. Right now, that feels strangely comforting. Not that I wouldn't immediately get rid of it if I could - I'd throw it away in a heartbeat. But at least it explains why I don't feel cured : it's because I'm not! I can work from here. I already have experience in working on my PTSD and processing my traumas. At least there is an outlook on a better life. I've been really confused these past few weeks and it's good to see things more clearly.

Yesterday I spoke about this with my parents. They were very understanding and supportive. They usually are, but it still felt like a relief. My father expressed once again that he has a lot of trouble accepting that I was raped and that the rapist isn't behind bars. It's hard to see him hurt like that. I've seen that look many times before when I was anorexic. I wish I would no longer be a source of pain for my family. I know I'm also a source of love and joy for them, but the pain is there as well.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

You are not a source of pain to your parents. You were victimized and they are hurting with you. You are innocent.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

So my therapist told me last month she'd contact me when she got back from her holiday. Still haven't heard from her. I'm really starting to dislike her now, even though I don't want to go back anyway. A therapist just shouldn't leave their client behind like that.

I have made the decision not to pursue her idea of applying for group therapy about general issues in life, like procrastinating work or being shy. That is not my problem. Besides, they don't work with people who have PTSD. My T knows that and she's sending me there anyway. She must really be that arrogant to think she has cured me and can throw me out like this, even though I have specifically told her that I am not cured and that there is more than one trauma that I have to reprocess.

I have already learned so much over the years and for that I am very thankful to my therapists, my friends and family and this forum. I have become a lot more extroverted and I have gotten a much better self image. As I process my traumas, I get stronger in other parts of my life as well. I do not need to focus on the fact that I'm sometimes shy and that I tend to procrastinate study work or doing things that scare me. Because guess what, if my trauma has a less stronger effect on me, I will trust other people better and feel better about myself, making me less shy. It will also make me less tired and depressed and makes scary things seem less scary, so maybe I should be focusing on the core of my problems. I have talked to my parents about this and they completely agree. My dad was even finishing my sentences, haha. I asked him if I should contact my T to tell her I was going elsewhere, but according to him she should just hear it from my new T. What do you think? I wouldn't be doing it for her, I'd be doing it so that I can get these feelings out of my system and learn to confront someone. On the other hand, why would I even bother when she so clearly doesn't care?

My studies have been really busy and my life is still pretty chaotic. I have a LOT of deadlines and other stuff I have to do, but when I'm home I just watch tv shows instead of studying or going to the gym, which is bad. I'll try to do better this week.
The only stable thing right now seems to be a new guy I'm dating. He's the definition of a gentleman and we have a lot of fun together. I think this might turn into something real. But I've made a promise to myself that I will tell him about my history with mental illness before we get into a serious relationship. Not the details, just the important parts. He deserves to know what he's up against and it would be good for me to finally be with someone who knows (and hopefully loves) the real me; not the polished version of me.