My Way To Fight Back

[Deleted member 12723]

You sound so strong and confident now. I am really proud of you. If I was you I would just quit therapy and not even bother to confront her at all. After all she is dumping you and you deserve to be treated better. Very unprofessional of her Snow. Hugs.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Thank you so much, @gizmo . Your support means a lot to me. :hug:s back

 

[Deleted member 19804]

So now that things are a little less busy, I find myself pondering how to take on this going to the police thing. Especially the support system part. If I bring one or both of my parents, it may be nice but also do a lot of damage.
So far these are the pros and cons of bringing them with me to the police interview:

Pros:
- I would feel a little safer
- I would have an immediate shoulder to cry on
- they might be able to help me stay on track with my story and not leave out important details

Cons:
- I do not want my parents to know the rapist's full name and in the interview I would have to say it. My Dad has said more than once that he wishes he knew it so that he could get to him. Not that the rapist doesn't deserve pain for what he did, but I do not want my father to compromise who he is. The rapist does not deserve the sick pleasure of hurting him as well.
- it would probably be traumatic for them to hear the full story
- I might tend to leave out painful details because they are with me and I want to protect them. I know this point contradicts one of the pros. To be honest, I do not know which is more likely.

What do I do? I don't have much time left to report the rapist. I don't want to miss this chance, especially if it may help any other possible victims to build a case against him.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

So I've been feeling uneasy again these past few days. I noticed it yesterday when my grandpa was visiting. I felt like I needed to escape, to be alone. In a way that it cannot be coming from just my introverted side. I am once again thinking that my life is becoming all about running away. I play pc games and watch tv shows to avoid being in touch with my real feelings.

When someone asks me to talk about my PTSD, it is easy for me to tell them in general terms and symptom descriptions what's going on. I'll tell them "I'm okay, I've just had a few episodes of anxiety and I've been dissociating a lot, but I'll survive". Preferably these statements are then followed by me making a joke to downplay it, because actually talking about how I feel terrifies me. I think my Dad taught me that. He hasn't been doing great himself and I really hope he'll feel better soon. He's a really great guy, he just makes things so very difficult for himself.

Anyway, I think it is time for me to start actually processing all those emotions, not just the events that caused my PTSD. One girl in my class is a really big inspiration to me, because she is the most free-spirited, genuine person I have ever met. She is just one big piece of real personality, what you see is what you get. I hope to one day become close friends with her. Maybe for selfish reasons, because I want to learn from her how to deal with life. But I really do like and respect her.

I can't wait to wake up tomorrow morning, because my hypervigilance is going pretty wild again. I'm staying with my parents and I used the frying pan. I already checked if I switched it off several times, so I know it's fine. But I just cannot seem to get this little voice in my head to shut up; it keeps saying that maybe I accidentally switched it on again, but I just don't remember it. It is well-known to me that I often have small gaps in my short term memory. And then there will be a fire and people will get hurt and it will all be my fault.
So when I wake up in the morning, I will hopefully know that everything is fine. Looking forward to it.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Snow, I am scattered here and there as well and it really annoys and bothers me. I do something a bit off the past few days. I know it is just information overload and I need to focus on the one thing I am doing. I am glad you are looking forward to feeling better. Hugs.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Thank you gizmo :hug:

 

[Deleted member 19804]

So today I had my final appointment with my T. It went well in the sense that I avoided conflict and confrontation and didn't give her an opportunity to judge me. I felt so angry with her. She was saying things like that my PTSD was now pretty much over so I just had to focus on the few other things that I have trouble with, like taking good care of myself. I told her I had found a group for people with PTSD and their every day symptoms, which is sort of true. But I'm not sure yet if I'm going to contact them. I explained to her that although I don't have many nightmares anymore, I still freak out whenever someone touches me unexpectedly and that I dissociate a lot. She didn't seem to care much about that.

What I hate most about this is that it's making me doubt myself again. Am I being a wimp? Am I holding on to PTSD even though it's already gone? I know that I have a complicated relationship with PTSD. That is, because it took me so much effort to find an explanation for why I was feeling like I was living in hell. It felt like a relief to finally have a name for what I had, even though until this day I keep struggling with believing I really have it. And without PTSD as a diagnosis, what the f*** else is going on with me? Am I making things seem worse than they are? Am I overreacting or unconsciously asking for attention? If there's anything I hate, it's people who feel sorry for themselves and want the whole world to hear their sob stories. Am I becoming one of them?
That would be so weird, because I always try to downplay things. I get really uncomfortable talking about my feelings and about things that aren't going well. When the conversation gets too close to me, I steer it away with a joke. Yes, I want people's support. I don't want to do this all alone. But at the same time it terrifies me to be completely open to someone about how I feel. I hate being the centre of attention, so I'm probably not being a drama queen, right?

I'm just really confused right now. I know I have come a long way thanks to EMDR and my T and I am grateful for that. But I just don't feel like I'm cured. I don't know what's best for me now. Should I keep going with trauma processing? I know there are still things that I haven't processed and that still haunt me. Or should I just suck it up and take responsibility on my own?

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Snow, I do not believe that your issues are resolved and PTSD is a lifelong experience I have learned.

Nothing wrong with you but something wrong with your therapist I believe.

You are not a drama queen. You have things left unresolved that still haunt you and I would hope that you would look for a therapist that is a better fit for you. Just my opinion.

You are not ready to just manage the symptoms yet, you have more work to process in my opinion.

I am so sorry that your therapist did this to you, left you dangling with no real hope.

It does eventually get better and it becomes all about managing symptoms. You will have PTSD for the duration of your life. There is hope for your healing and recovery and also hope for better days ahead of you if you do not give up on yourself.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

@gizmo thank you. I really needed to hear that. I've been struggling with whether I should find a new therapist, but I think I should. I also talked to a friend yesterday about what happened and she also said I need more help.
So I'm going to continue the search. Thank you for your support, it means a lot to me :hug:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

No worries. I am so glad that you are going on a search for a therapist that is the right fit for you and that will be qualified to help you. I went through so many therapists. I was pretty naïve when I first started therapy, my denial was so great that I had to go through a few.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

That must have been pretty frustrating. But you're probably right that I should keep looking. Obviously I am not the only one who did not find the perfect therapist immediately. I've found a few options and I'm taking a little time to consider them. When I'm more sure of which one is best for me, I'll start contacting that T.

Apart from all this, things are going ok. I'm having trouble to find enough willpower to study hard. But I have subscribed to 2 three hour sessions of exam training this week. Hopefully this will prepare me well for the exam, which is on friday.

I've been getting more serious with the guy I've been dating and I recently met his friends for the first time. I was nervous, but it went really well. I think this means that I am in a real relationship now. We just haven't had that talk yet. I guess we should get that part going some time soon. In any case I want him to know about my trauma and ptsd before we officially make that commitment. I really hope he'll still want to be with me after that.
He'a a really nice guy, much better than my exes. And we have a lot of fun together. He makes me feel safe and loved. So this could be the start of something beautiful.:shy:

 

[Deleted member 19804]

I've been thinking about a holiday I went on after my high school final exams. I was with a group of girlfriends and we hung out with a group of guys there. When we were going out one of the guys grabbed a girl under her skirt and they started laughing. I didn't think it was funny, but I didn't say anything. I didn't ask the girl if she was ok. I didn't confront the guy. This was about a month after I was raped. Back then, I had no idea that what had happened to me was rape. I blamed myself. There was absolutely nothing left of my self esteem. And when that guy assaulted the girl, I knew it was wrong, but I did not know how to stand up for her.

It is so important that people are educated about boundaries and how to end rape culture. I hate myself for not doing anything back then. I wish I'd had the courage to confront that asshole. I should have punched him in the face and never talked to him again. My friends didn't seem to care much and we kept hanging out with those guys. If I could go back in time, I would have done things differently.

I still have the dream of becoming a spokesperson for human rights when it comes to sexual assault. Maybe that can be a way for me to make up for not doing anything back then.