Supporter My Wife Has Ptsd From An Abusive Stepfather, How To Help?

[ptsdwifenstuff]

Long story but I need to share. Also a throwaway for obvious reasons. November of last year I get a job. Its a good job. high pay, great benefits, strong career path etc. However, my boss is insane. Asking too much of me, making me work long hours, and not really understanding what an accountant is supposed to do (she wasn't college educated) and constantly beating me up over things that were not my fault.

long story short, I lost the job.

I spent the next few months blaming myself, thinking of what more I could have done, and feeling worthless to myself and my family. I constantly contemplated suicide. It was terrible.

In spite of myself, I worked through it, faced my fears ( I now talk to and enjoy the company of all of my old co workers when I see them, instead of having it scare me or bring on anxiety) and I've actually started my own business, almost more as a distraction from the feelings I had more than anything else.

This is the first time I felt anything like this in my life. I've always been a fairly grounded guy, so this stuff really sent me for a loop.

Then I realized as I was feeling these feelings that I was reacting to things like my wife does: what I mean by this is she:

over reacts to loud noises, or certain topics shes worried about, and gets very angry often says very hurtful things to stop a conversation she doesn't want to continue Sleeps very poorly, and is often restless all night

doesn't remember VAST parts of her childhood (like more than 80% of it)

since I had experienced a lot of these things myself in my VERY small bout of PTSD (I feel fairly well balanced now thanks to some meditation, but it wasn't that bad a case)

My wife had a very traumatic childhood. her stepfather was abusive (possibly sexually, she can't remember) and the only things she can remember from her childhood were as follows

him breaking her dogs leg in front of her for not following rules forcing them to eat food directly off the floor for not listening being chained to a radiator in the basement being tied to a treadmill for eating too much

those are her only memories. I hate to think of what she can't remember.

I'm now worried about our child, though, as I can see her starting to react to things in the way her stepfather would: using "or else" in a lot of reactions, a little too free with the spanks, etc.

Its obvious to me that she has some form of PTSD (obv needs diagnosis) but herein lies the problem.

my wife hates psychiatrists. more as a punishment than anything, her stepdad would shuttle her off to therapy when she acted out against him, thinking that it must be her. The therapist they used however broke confidentiality and got her in even more trouble, so she trusts therapists very little. she has said to me many times that she hates therapists.

I want to get her diagnosed, and I want to help her. I'm not sure how to attack the subject. Its too bad it didn't come to me earlier as we just had a vacation, and it would have been the best time to sit her down and talk about it. Right now between the three year old, my wife's fulltime job and her side business, and my fulltime business, we barely ever talk. However, I want to sit her down and talk to her about this, and get her help. she tells me whenever we talk about the future that "she's always been miserable, and doesn't see any reason why that would change"

How can I help my lovely, smart, wonderful wife?

Thanks,


FOCUS: my wife shuns therapists, can't remember most of her childhood due to terrible abuse, and is still afraid of confronting her emotions. I know she needs help. How do I start the conversation?

 

[KuanYin]

Effective therapy is really difficult work. And that's true even if someone has a great relationship with their therapist. Overcoming trust issues could be exponentially more difficult if therapy has been used in the past in such a way that made the reason for going in the first place, worse. Is therapy something she is willing to consider now? Perhaps she would be in a better position to articulate her feelings and to advocate for herself. (And also not worry that getting help would somehow be used against her).

The thing that stood out for my the most in your post is your concern for your child. It's great that you want to be supportive of and are willing to help your wife. It's helpful to have a supportive partner. But I will say I think it's equally important, actually, probably more so, that you look to the safety/mental wellbeing of your child. It sounds like your wife has had a horrifically traumatic childhood. If her lack of trust in therapists (which Is understandable all things considered) and as such has not done work to help heal herself now, as an adult, she could be running the risk of continuing the cycle of abuse with her own child. Please understand that I am by no means saying she's going to do to others what was done to her. That's not what I'm saying at all. What I am trying to convey is that if healthy parenting wasn't modeled for her, and she hasn't had the opportunity to work through her own issues, it may make it harder for her to identify what "healthy" looks like and therefore more difficult for her to put that into practice with your child. Does that make sense?

 

[ptsdwifenstuff]

Effective therapy is really difficult work. And that's true even if someone has a great relationship wit...

Absolutely does make sense. We have both articulated (ie said out loud) that we need to develop our own idea of what a "healthy" parenting/childhood experience will be. For me: my father was terminally ill my entire childhood (alzheimers) and i spent most of my childhood taking care of him, and consoling my mother who had a mental breakdown as he got sicker and sicker.

So its an issue we talk about, and one that we work on. both of us are very quick to say "thats abusive!" to one another, and we shower out baby girl in love as often as we can. we read books on good parenting, go to groups etc. we're fully invested in being excellent parents.

Now she's 3. we get constant compliments about how awesome our child is, and we feel good about that. we're still learning obviously, but its not the primary issue. thank you for the concern, though, just the same.

The bigger issue is getting my wife to turn her focus to herself so she can be happy. her entire life is a focus of willpower to make the lives of those around her better, while she is miserable. she afraid of therapy because of aformentioned reasons, so I want to try other things.

I actually used TREs (trauma Releasing Exercises) and meditation on myself to help me get over the stress of the last job, and it was amazing. I've told her I want to do TREs with her (look up trauma releasing exercises on amazon to find the book)
However every time I mention it, schedule an hour for us to do it etc, it seems to get put off..... I know she is actually really scared of how she'll react when she finally confronts this trauma, and that's why she avoids it. I think she is afraid she'll go crazy if she confronts the trauma from her past, instead of get better.

So that might be a little more specific. how do i help? I think doing a TRE with me at home before bed would get her mentally where she needs to be to talk about it more. is this healthy/safe/good?

 

[KuanYin]

It's great you're both aware of it! Some people aren't and that's definitely says a lot that you realize it and are working to do the best for your child.
As difficult as therapy may be, with the amount of trauma that you've described, it sounds like she could really benefit from professional help. Being in a safe environment where the therapist/psychiatrist is trained in working with childhood trauma is where the work can really be done. A good therapist will pace according to what the client can handle. I could go on YT and attempt EMDR on my own, but that could end up being disastrous. A safe (and by that I mean one with an experienced and competent T/P) environment is the best one to work out our issues. I'd encourage her to a least look for a therapist in your area. Psychology Today has a directory with pretty thorough profiles online. Maybe have her read some, pick out a few that she might be comfortable with (honestly pictures helped me in this decision, I needed someone whose appearance put me at ease, I read faces a lot tho). There's no harm or long term commitment in just calling and speaking with them. If she finds one that she thinks she may feel comfortable with, you could encourage her to make an appointment just to visit, to get a feel for the environment. (Heck, even just make a trip to see where the office is located!) Baby steps are still progress. I really do think that professional help could be very beneficial. I hope that helps.

 

[intothelight]

@ptsdwifenstuff Welcome to the forum!

since I had experienced a lot of these things myself in my VERY small bout of PTSD

PTSD is not something that is short and then goes away, it is a chronic disorder. Take the time and read about PTSD and its sources. The trauma has to be life threatening. Loosing a job can be life altering and can cause anxiety and depression, but not PTSD; however having depression and anxiety are symptoms associated with PTSD.

I want to get her diagnosed, and I want to help her.

The hard truth about this statement is that only she can make the decision to get help and be open to receiving that help. Because each individual is responsible for their own choices and decision, perhaps it is best that you seek help to keep yourself mentally healthy and to be the best parent you can be. Perhaps seeing a positive therapeutic experience will help to lessen her own fears.

we need to develop our own idea of what a "healthy" parenting/childhood experience will be.

That is a tough one especially coming from an abusive background or in your case from a family that was dominated by illness. Sometimes you have to start with what you know healthy parenting is NOT and build it up from there.

I hope you find the information and support on this site beneficial to you and your family.

 

[ptsdwifenstuff]

@ptsdwifenstuff Welcome to the forum!



PTSD is not something that is short an...

PTSD as defined by the National Center for PTSD says PTSD is any form of lingering stress that lasts from three months to several years. It's not a chronic illness, or at least its not a necessary part of the definition. If its chronic for you I'm sorry, but don't say I didn't have night terrors and substance abuse issues that nearly pulled my family apart for months on end. Thanks.

 

[StellaBlue]

Hi @ptsdwifenstuff, welcome to the forum. I think there are a couple of things that you are misunderstanding. It certainly sounds like your job loss was traumatic for you and that you experienced distressing symptoms. And there is no denying that your situation was stressful.

However, the first requirement for a diagnosis of PTSD in the DSM-5 is: Exposure to actual or threatened death, serious injury, or sexual violence in one (or more) of the following ways: 1) Directly experiencing the traumatic event(s); 2) Witnessing, in person, the event(s) as it occurred to others; 3) Learning that the traumatic event(s) occurred to a close family member or close friend. In cases of actual or threatened death of family member or friend, the event(s) must have been violent or accidental; 4) Experiencing repeated or extreme exposure to aversive details of the traumatic event(s) (e.g., first responders collecting human remains; police officers repeatedly exposed to details of child abuse).

This is referred to as Criterion A and is required before the other symptoms are assessed. Losing your job does not qualify for PTSD under this definition. However, from your description, you're wife's experiences do and she may be suffering from PTSD.

It is really wonderful that you were able to identify how your reactions to your job loss were causing you pain and that you were able to get yourself help and turned around before you spun too far out. However (again, with the howevers!), I would really caution you to not equate your stressful situation and your cure with your wife's past traumas, current symptoms and possible treatment (if she agrees). I think by doing so, you'll end up minimizing not only her past trauma(s) but also the immense amount of work she will need to do to heal.

I am not a PTSD supporter, but I think there is a lot of good information on this board for those who are or want to be supporters (including information on how to take care of yourself).

I wish you well and hope you can keep an open mind while reading through the material here.

 

[Ghostybear73]

Welcome to the forum!!!