Relationship My Wife Has Ptsd

[Skaterdad]

This really stinks married 22 years and together 29 with three kids last one a senior in high school now and my wife has just been diagnosed with PTSD. She came home and announced a month ago that she wants a divorce which started couples therapy that lead to individual therapy.

Rewinding my wife was physically and sexually abused until age 16 at which point her aunt moved her to live with her 3000 miles away. Her dad was murdered when she was around 8 and her mom died when she was 13 at which point things got worse. Her dad was not her dad but that is the only man she remembers. After her mom passed poverty and more abuse was lived for three more years.

Fast forward, 22 years of unexplained outburst and arguments heaped with your normal or expected marital growing pains.and here we are. Started talking this evening and now I am sleeping in upstairs bedroom. I have been reading through forums before tonight's episode and my life made sense. All the extreme emotions and me always giving in to blame to keep the peace followed by my wife's guilt and apologies for being so mean and out of control. My oldest finally got feed up and said he was done with his mother unless she got help. Which lead to the marriage counseling and individual counseling and eventual diagnosis.

I love my wife with all my heart and since the diagnosis I assured my wife that I knew there was something more and I never blamed her and heaped a lot of blame on myself. Even with where we are my wife goes back and forth with self blame and sorrow and we would have been better of without her, a recurring theme over the years. To just taking a loaded shotgun of contempt and hate to me. She says I am crazy for staying or that she has not loved me for some years and we are good friends. We still do married folk stuff sex dates laughing hanging out but she likes to drop the separation bomb in some way. This is very confusing and hurtful to me and the kids.

Now she is threatening to leave her therapist because she is not the problem it is this screwed up marriage or me that is the problem. Me and the therapist want to pin her screwed up life and marriage on PTSD and not her pathetic husband who never saw her pain and stood up for her. This is a bipolar night mare for me everything I do makes it worse everything I don't do makes it worse.

Any piece of hope and sanity is appreciated my heart is crushed the only bright spots are my therapist sessions.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

(((Skaterdad)))

I am SO, SO sorry that PTSD has roared into your life, and like a tornado, has stripped away what you had with your family!

There are no words that can 'fix' the problem...but you have found a place where you can vent, find compassion, empathy, and friends. We have all been 'broken' by PTSD, but like dealing with the grief of a death, there will be 'steps', and coping skills you will learn to help keep your sanity.

I'm actually having to dash out the door to take my mom to appointments, but I will be praying for you and your family!

Blessings, Peace & Hope being sent your way.

AKJ :hug:

 

[Powder]

Skaterdad,

It's actually not abnormal for someone who went through childhood trauma to push people away, even people who they "trust." She's going through triggers right now, and I bet neither of you know what the trigger is.

For instance, maybe someone in the home has now reached the age of the man who abused her. It will help to locate her triggers and not feel the "chaos" and see the "pattern" instead.

She will NOT benefit by your self-blaming for not noticing that her troubled past led to PTSD. You are not a clinician; how could you know that? Just by being there for her, and helping her life have stability, you have been therapeutic for her.

She is pushing you and the therapist away because she feels neither of you can do anything to get her out of the extreme emotional numbness and pain alternating that she's been going through.

You need to help her to locate trauma-specific therapy for C PTSD, Link Removed is being talked about right now on this site. EMDR is another technique that helps some people with PTSD.

If her therapist is just a general counselor, then your wife is 100% correct, she may be adding to the problem rather than helping, like massaging a broken arm.

Get her into proper therapy for PTSD and maybe you can save your marriage. :) <3

Hope is there, all is not lost. Somewhere inside the anger for the abuser, she has let it out on you, with nowhere else for it to go. She can weave the fragments into one and not be so upset all the time.

 

[Powder]

CBT or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy combined with EMDR is what I am trying now and is pretty good. Exposure and desensitization is another therapy type.

The link above is a clinic that claims to use several proven techniques and several therapists with expertise in a team approach. I personally feel that is the "fast lane" approach to get to the bottom of the problem more quickly.

 

[rightkindofme]

That sounds really hard. I can't imagine going that long without understanding all the emotional upheaval. Woof.

You are in my prayers.

 

[LisawithPTSD]

Get her into proper therapy for PTSD and maybe you can save your marriage. :) <3 Hope is there, all is not lost. Somewhere inside the anger for the abuser, she has let it out on you, with nowhere else for it to go. She can weave the fragments into one and not be so upset all the time.

I was where you wife is. Muse has sound advice. It is not an easy road.

 

[Skaterdad]

Thanks Anglekeeper for blessings.

Muse thanks for being blunt. You are right self blame does not help but when everything is so intermingled it it is hard to see where you fit or contribute to the chaos and not blame yourself.

I don't know her trigger and I want to learn how to communicate in a loving and productive way.

Last nights discussion was focused on being normal before being married. I just listened because I was with her for 7 years before marriage. This morning was filled with apologies from her and I stepped in it along the way and she erupted.

The trigger in both cases was PTSD is real and beyond anything we could grasp or deal with on our own. I was blamed for blaming her and not looking at my own issues or contributions.

Right now worse than being separated is the thought of her being on her own and not dealing with this.Reading the forms, talking to my therapist, common sense, and general reading says that being alone is the worse thing to do.

Back to work and thanks to you all for being a new community of support and friendship.

 

[PDX Dad]

Skaterdad, I'll tell you what I'm going through and maybe it'll shed light on your situation.

Today is my 8th wedding anniversary with my wife, who suffers from Complex PTSD. This was mostly below the surface until our daughter was born four years ago, and then her problems came very strongly to the surface. It has been the worst four years of my life since, though strongly contrasted with the incredible love and joy that my sweet, beautiful daughter has brought to my life and she makes me more happy than I could imagine.

Emotionally, I am malnourished. I feel unappreciated by my wife. We haven't had sex for years. While she says she loves me, there are not many things she does that indicates this is true. A lot of negative statements, not many positive ones.

Overall, I have gone to great lengths to give her what she needs as she heals. She has been seeing a therapist for about a year and a half, which has improved her behavior which was very frequently bad. We have been seeing a marriage therapist for almost a year. In both cases, I have been saying we should have started much earlier than we did but, from reading the posts here, she's doing a lot more than most PTSD sufferers.

What is hard is that I cannot even predict if our marriage will be salvageable when she heals sufficiently, if she ever does. I am willing to stick with it, for the sake of our daughter but also for my wife, if I feel like there's a decent chance of a positive outcome. And obviously a positive outcome would be great for me too. But I can't tell at all if this is a reasonable hope.

Except for the C-PTSD, we are relatively lucky. We both work and make a good income. I have a wonderful network of friends and family, she much less so but she benefits from mine. We are both healthy and fit (though the C-PTSD takes its toll on her health via stress and to some extent my health). We have a nice home and some savings.

Here's what I'm struggling with - I really don't know whether it is better to stay married or to divorce. Or something in the middle I suppose (which is actually what we've been doing even if it has never been said out loud - not affairs or anything, just not really "married").

I simply cannot suppress all of my emotions all the time about her rejection of me, though I suppress perhaps 90% of them. But this rejection, the lack of emotional intimacy, the lack of any deep friendship even, is incredibly difficult to endure. And, since I get mad once a week about all the rejection, even if it is a rolling of my eyes that she catches, she doesn't feel she has sufficient space to heal. She feels I'm interfering. In short, she really can't be married in the normal sense of the word right now. She just needs me to step way back, and I have for the most part.

I am reaching the end of my rope though. The longer I go, the harder it is. Yet, I want to do whatever results in the greatest good, putting myself last. Except, putting myself last doesn't actually work long term. There's no such thing as a happy household if I'm unhappy, even if my wife is doing okay and my daughter is happy. My pain will take its toll on them.

A divorce will be a negative for my daughter, but perhaps less negative than an unhealthy, unsatisfying though low-conflict marriage stretched on too long. And if both of my wife and I are happier as a result of divorce, perhaps especially if we find happy marriages, then my daughter is probably better off. Though my wife is incapable of being happily married currently and likely will not be capable for at least five years if ever. I, however, am capable though not anxious to take this path.

A divorce may be a positive for my wife by giving her the space to heal and by unburdening her of the pressure to meet my expectations, which are for a healthy, loving marriage but to her seems to be almost impossibly high. However, it also may be more of a negative since she doesn't deal with stress well at all and being a part time single mom with less money than she's used to would be stressful. She'd probably need to work harder which would be stressful as well. She is working sort of hard to keep us together, but of course her healing and our daughter come first.

A divorce, though emotionally and financially very difficult for me for a while, would probably be positive for me long term. But I would feel guilt about it I'm sure for a long time. I am self employed and make good money, so I can be flexibly enough to care for our daughter half time will earning a good salary and supporting my wife to some degree. There's the shame of divorce, perhaps needing to sell our house which I'd hate, but those things are not a very big deal in the long run.

I think it is important to say that I have learned I simply cannot be happy with our marriage unless it is a good marriage. I simply won't be a great partner if our marriage is a "C minus," I'll be somewhat checked out.

Writing all this out helps, and I can clearly see that I need to speak very frankly with my wife, which as I'm sure you all know is terribly difficult to do with PTSD sufferers, especially C-PTSD sufferers. It is a very touchy conversation, probably best had with the marriage therapist. But I shouldn't start the conversation "So, should we stay married or get a divorce?" I actually have had sensitive conversations on the topic but my wife can't go very deep on emotional issues so all I get from here is "We're going to marriage counseling aren't we? Doesn't that show I care?" The counselor is good, but we still have a lot of territory to cover.

It also reminds me that, in her own ways, she's trying to improve. She has made strides, it is just that we are so very far from where I think we need to be. We've reached the moon but our destination is Pluto. Or, as I said one time, the war is over but the country must be rebuilt. So maybe she's given me her answer, which is that she wants to stay married and really try.

I am taking a long time to reach the bottom line, which is this: I don't know if she's capable now or in the future of actually being married. And that is mostly out of my hands. If she's not capable, then dragging it on doesn't do any good.

Uhg, this sucks. I never even imagined that I would be in this situation. But you know what, I really am despite all this relatively happy. I have a lot of good friends, great parents, a wonderful daughter, and I DO love my wife (I know I didn't get into my feelings for her). I truly do. It is the intensity of that love that makes me feel so heartbroken that she rejects me, though she says she's not rejecting ME, its just rejecting intimacy of any kind. Yet, I wonder...I wonder if there's so much poison in her and that she's taken so much out on me that we are beyond repair. OR, if this sets the stage for an incredibly strong marriage later, with a massive amount of work. I want to be married to HER, but if she doesn't want to be married to me then....

Sorry such a long post.

 

[ISupportHer]

I feel I have some ability to say I know what you are going through. At one point, my wife told me that her Therapist said she was displacing her anger onto me since I am male. There is a much deeper explanation, of course.

There are a few books for partners of those who were sexually abused that I found helpful in explaining some of the underlying behaviors. Perhaps you have already done that.

I must admit that my wife never actually used the word divorce. We have been married 35 years. I, of course, cannot offer guarantees. I CAN, however, offer hope. Things got better for us after a very rough period of years. I hope that you and your wife can get through it too. PTSD will always be a part of my relationship but it did get better for both of us.

 

[Skaterdad]

Wow I am not alone in this. PDX DAD I have been at this for almost 29 years, 23 married and 6 dating. This really sucks and it is a hurt like nothing else. We just found out two months ago that my wife has PTSD right after my wife pretty much crushed my family and announced she wants a divorce. This caught everyone by suprise and sent me and my kids into a taill spin. That is a story by itself.

I love my wife as much as a man can love a women but I had no idea of the depth of my wifes hurt. In the the early years with kids things were good but then the preassures of raising a family kicked in. I started working more and my wife stayed home which made for a perfect recipe to pull the past into full view.

I had no clue what was driving some of the rage, hurt, anger, and negative outlook. Well I did not understand how serious a traumatic past could impact you until now.

I have always made space for my wife knowing what she went through as a child and teen and took a lot of blame and heat for things that went wrong in our marriage in my wifes life. She feels like i should have fought with her and pushed her to do more for herself. I did but my suggestions were not always received and deemed as criticism. I was called some pretty hurtful things from a mans point of view but I stayed and was there for her. I was not perfect but I was kind and loving to my wife but over time the emotional beatings put me on guard and I walked on eggshells.

Sometimes she would appologizes but it does not seem to matter. All the blaming and verbal attacks are overlooked and she feels like I left her to deal with herself. Her attacks were cries for help and she feels Iike I should have done more been more. She totally looks past me and puts her PTSD episode and unhappiness on my neglect.

Over the last few months nothing has made sense until I found this site. I love my wife and my children love their mom but somethings never made sense to any of us until now. I would always hold my wife on a pedestal to my kids and let them know that there mom had it hard and that she is an incredible and loving person. However, things get tough sometimes and the past collides with the present. This site in so many ways represent my lifes story the pain, the struggles, the uncertainty.

So now your question, should we stick it out or give it over to divorce? I can only speak from my perspective of 29 years. Today is the lowest point in my life everyday when I wake up my heart is ripped out fresh and stomped on. My wife thinks I am stupid for staying around for the last 8 years because of her harsh words and treatment. Any sane person would have bailed a long time ago. I love my wife is all I can say she has made no promises to stay committed once we seperate but to at least try.

I want to leave at timse but I see something beyond my own hurt. Maybe I am just a stepping stone to healing but I feal like it would be selfish to bail inspite of the pain. I am not dellusional and the constant pain and anxiety does not give me some twisted euphoria. This sucks but God is holding me up for my wife and my adult children and I have to stay commited to my love for my wife.

It may become necessary to put boundaries and if my wife steps totally out of the marriage I will have to find my peace. One thing gives me peace and clarity today, PTSD is real and the women I love is hurting as a result. IF she choses to move on I will still have to answer to the commitment I made to love. If my wife refuses to accept that PTSD is real and the impact it has had on our marriage and family is real that will be her choice. I will not, however, provide any additional hurdles in her healing.

IT IS NOT EASY friendship, intimacy, and sex just went away over night and I became the enemy to her happines. It is a daily roller coaster of hold me you suck get away. She has been in therapy for a month and that at times makes it worst, her therapist wants us to work through this but that enrages her. Everyone is against her and I am the innocent angel.

So simply put if you can find the strength hold on, there is a beautiful women inside the pain. Hold on for you, if this chapter in your life is forced to close your heart and spirit will be free to carry on.

 

[Skaterdad]

Thanks what book did you read? Right now hope and good friends are al I have. Everything I do seems to come into question. Where was this attention when I asked for it.
My kids saw my efforts and my wife's rejection over the years.

Her pain would leave her tired, unengaged, and unwilling to live. Even this is my fault. I begged her, encouraged her and cried with her to move and live. But she would push back, or stay still, or take a step forward. Yes I need hope right now her move out day is the weekend of my birthday this month. Ugh.

 

[ISupportHer]

This is a quote from a post I made last year to someone else. I could not find the original post but did not look real hard at the moment.

I would share this however. Your story sounds familiar in that things kind of exploded here. There were hints of depression and even an anti-depressant medication, then to me at least, it just went BOOM. Something like 14 psych admits, ECT (shock therapy), things like having to cut down the clothes line in the basement or having to take control of meds that were hidden as a source for her way "out"

Sounds like this has just started for you and I recognize the panic I felt when this happened here. It is many times amazing to me how so many of us have similar responses and feelings.

OK, back to the quote. I hope this helps. I won't assume that it will be a fix because there are so many variables for all of us. It there was a quick fix, we all would not have to be here!

From 2012: "Try "Allies in Healing:When the person you love was was sexually abused as a child" By Laura Davis.
Available at Amazon, also is on the shelf at my local Barnes & Noble book store.

Also try "Ghosts in the Bedroom: A guide for partners of incest survivors" by Ken Graber. Also available at Amazon

If you do a search here on the forum, I have posted in the past about how these books helped me. They are not "all will be OK" books. Frank discussions and not only helps explain why some things you see in a partner are occurring but also some of what we feel as the partners/supporters.

As one who may have tread the path you are one a few years ahead of you, no situations are exactly the same and I am by no means an expert, but I would say that I hope you can get a grasp on how you feel about it, look at yourself first. I am not articulating it well.

The "Ghosts" book, as I recall, starts with OUR feelings first. Some guys in particular may have trouble with the whole sexual component. The importance of expressing absolute support and belief in what your parnert says happened, etc.

Hope these books help. Actually, you may not even have to buy them. They may be at your public library.

ISH"