Relationship My Wife Has Ptsd

[rightkindofme]

My husband read Ghosts in the Bedroom and he said it helped him a lot.

Hearing from you men makes me feel very sad. I'm really glad your wives have your love.

 

[Skaterdad]

Thanks everyone. Today is bad so your timing with support is timely;)

I am not sure where anything is going it is all in my wife's hands. Every harsh word spoken over the last few months is crushing me to the point of breaking. Thankfully I have therapy tonight bit it never fails whatever we cover in therapy is the topic of our next conflict. Not that I share my therapy sessions it is purely coincidence.

The distance, blame, and covert secrecy just puts me in a place of assuming the worst. Her cell is on its own plan now. Her email and bank accounts are private. I am just there for her company on dates I am not really a part of the evening or her lofe i am just a facilitator a distant friend. It hurts to think about it as she laid her head on my shoulder this morning.

It feels like I need some personal boundaries.

 

[Skaterdad]

Right kind of me don't feel sad. I think this is more of a heart check. If you know your spouse loves and support you walk your journey in the assurance of his support. Love is full of forgiveness and grace for all of us. Your healing is the greatest reward in your marriage.

My wife is not in a place of forgiveness or love. Her pain is to blinding to who she is and who I am and have been to her over the years. For now I am the recipiant of her hurt and anger. If you are in a different place be thankful and stay true to your course.

Love yourself, love your husband, and live.

 

[rightkindofme]

Reading this thread gives me some point of view on how I might hurt my husband though. I'm only 7 years into my marriage. I need to keep in mind how much his feelings matter even if I'm hurting.

 

[ISupportHer]

Every harsh word spoken over the last few months is crushing me to the point of breaking.

2 comments on this. First, we are humans and even as the best supporters, we can hurt. Just accepting this as a fact helped free me somewhat.

Second, even though we ARE human and react with hurt, one of the first things I feel we need to do is to examine our own feelings and look at how our responses fit in with the total picture. I am glad you are seeing a therapist, as it is an important step in this. The Therapist I saw at the time said I needed to model my behavior. If I stay rational and calm, it can go a long way. Problem is that it can set up inner conflict.

ISH

 

[ISupportHer]

Reading this thread gives me some point of view on how I might hurt my husband though.

My immediate thoughts in response to this are to state exactly what so many Supporters are told. That we, as Supporters, cannot take ownership of how our loved ones react to their trauma. The harsh reality is that each person has to find their own way. We can grease the wheels, so to speak, by how we act as Supporters but we can't do the work of healing.

Rightkindofme, if I could release you from any guilt, I would gladly do that. I acknowledge your awareness and I'd bet there are many Supporters who wish their loved ones had a similar awareness. The truth is that your husband also has to find his way and examine his feelings about what happened, how to keep a healthy relationship, etc. I know that I have many times responded to my wife's concern that she is hurting me with a statement of the facts. She is not responsible for what happened to her and therefore not responsible for my reactions. I own that. She may influence me but she should not take ownership of my reactions.

 

[Skaterdad]

ISupportHer, thank you. There is a lot of wisdom in all that you are saying.

Rightkindofme that is the truth if my wife acknowledge her awareness things would be much different.

For now I have to work on me as ISupportHer has stated and pray that my wife aknowledges how she hurts me and how her words push me away and not pull me closer.

I now know what is going on and I have to learn to manage my own expectations and response to my wife. As long as unforgiveness and blame provails I will continue to be the object of my wifes hurt and anger.

 

[hurtinghubby]

Hey Skaterdad,

Your post could have been written by me. I'm so sorry you are also going through this. My wife has had PTSD for years--she was sexually assaulted in the military and thrown off a roof, 4 stories. She's actually going to the VA's 3-week PTSD recovery program in a week, and to be honest, the boys and I are relieved. And I hate my relief. All the blaming, all the guilt all the confusion...I'm right there with you. Good luck, man.

 

[PDX Dad]

Thank you all for what you've contributed. I wish we could all sit down together and talk. But, this will have to suffice. Skaterdad, good luck. It sounds very, very difficult and heart-wrenching. I can partly imagine your pain. You deserve happiness as well as a sense of meaning. Sometimes the two are at odds with each other. Helping those in pain can be very meaningful, but not make for much happiness.

 

[Mtnativecohome]

I'm the female version of you, almost the exact same scenario. I'm hitting my breaking point and am divorcing with guilt. But the absolute lack of emotional and physical intimacy has left me completely alone. I have tried to support him in every respect and finally recognized I can't change or make things better for him. PTSD robs joy from those impacted by it.

 

[bell]

PTSD robs joy from those impacted by it.

This.

And as a sufferer, I'm sad to say that realizing that we hurt others amidst our own whirlwinds makes things doubly worse. And also as a sufferer, I thank all of you who stay through our storms and see the "real" us underneath, as we are there, just lost... that means more than anything, knowing that we are truly seen for who we are, not for the monster that PTSD sometimes turns us into.

 

[Skaterdad]

Yeah this is a tough time my wife wants me to see that my short comings are what triggered her PTSD. She accuses me of being self righteous and this is all my fault. I will admit as a man any accusation of being in adequate in any way is a tough pill to swallow. Accusation meaning in your face right between the eyes. If I said no or disagreed with anything that was important to her it launched into an argument or accusations that I do no support her. Unfortunately, I would shut down or cave in eventually to her request. I was viewed as week because I would not argue I just wanted to sit down and talk.

I wish I knew more on how to better communicate instead of just shutting down and making her feel un loved over the years.

Now she announced that she wants a divorce that she never wanted to work out our relationship during separation. She said that to give me time. I said no and would never agree to divorce unless we went to the right marriage counseling. Well of course that did not go well but I am so tired I told her to do what she had to do. The threats escalated the clams of infidelity and boyfriends were made. Threats of financial ruin, calling my parents to vent, and giving me account of her activities when we seperate where thrown at me if I would not sign uncontested divorce papers.

I feel like I am some monster who was a horrible person to his wife and she has to get away. All I am is confused and hurting and I just want to understand why this is happening. Well I stood my ground and we go to her counselor as a couple today. I am nervous I feel like I am going to be told that refusal to fight or passive attitude is the cause of all of this. I should have tried harder to push my wife to do what she could not do. That I was as much of an abuser as those who sexuall molested and beat her because I would not fight for her.

It is in Gods hands now I am so tired I just want a lfe. I will be 49 this year and my youngest of three will follow his siblings to college at the end of year. I can't live the rest of my life like this without some hope or direction.