Relationship My Wife Has Ptsd

[Luigi]

I don't know how you all do it. It is really surprising to me how many people's first diagnosed moment they want to split up their families. I know it happens. I know it's the shame......if I can't live with myself so much that I have to dissociate, then I feel extra gross that you're watching me. And it's always been hard to know how much information, either about what's currently going on (could we talk about something else, please?) or knowing that something I need to tell you about is going to horrify you. I hate feeling like I'm spilling poison from my perps on the person I love.

The truth is a huge amount of this behavior, I'm certain, is displaced rage, a need for control, and shame. Which doesn't help you all at the other end of the whip very much!

I have a dear supporter (he's actually a brother that I was separated from, so he didn't experience the same abuse, but he knows all the characters) and he will listen to me morning, noon or night, help me shake off physical triggers, protect me around flashbacks, and he's an excellent wingman in scary situations. Anyway, sort of as a joke, he does this tai chi move (I don't know if I can describe it); basically he stretches out his arms as though he's going to catch something, as it gets closer her starts to turn the energy away as he turns away, and then he sort of gives it a thrust like he's throwing it away. The point is it's a comical reminder that he doesn't have to pick up every icky thing that comes his way. Even when all I'm doing is slinging icky things.

I'll be thanking my supporters in your honor tonight, and I'll say some prayers for you all to get some relief.

 

[Luigi]

One other thing I wanted to mention......I found this book, and a set of flashcards to go with it. It's called 'Talk to me Like I'm Someone You Love'. Surely, no sufferer should have that thrown at them. But find the directions there, and the quick index, a really great help in talking without escalating matters......might help in talking with your sufferers when there's an opportunity.

 

[Skaterdad]

Luigi thanks for the insightful words. My wife has moved out after asking for a divorce for the last three months. She has been all over the map emotionally she keeps saying she was a monster to me, she damaged our kids, or hates how she is when she is with me. She is now blaming me for everything that is going wrong with her life. This has been very tough and confussion

 

[amethist]

She is now blaming me for everything that is going wrong with her life

Hi Skaterdad

I think we all get the blame at some point and it is not easy to take when we can see just how it really is.

We now have a code to diffuse situations that are getting out of hand. Either one of us just has to say, "Say something nice to me", and it calms down instantly. I had to use that yesterday when I was getting blamed for something that had nothing to do with me.

Maybe you could use it when the blaming becomes too much, it just might work.

 

[Skaterdad]

OK it finally all makes sense but it sucks even more. My wife announced she wants a divorce a few months ago, then after refusing she agreed to separate and work on things. Well last week the tune went back to divorce and even this past after weekend, my birthday weekend, she fights with me about signing divorce papers. I never understood why she refused to accept that she has PTSD and that her past is what is standing in the way of her future and our marriage. Divorce just hides the truth and allows you to run. She is totally isolated and has no one I am her only friend and it saddens her that she is pushing me away and that she will be alone.

Well it all came out tonight she feels like I deserve better and that she is unlovable, she is tired of hurting me and the hurt she feels because of it. Right after that declaration she says she has been sleeping around, I don't know how many times and really don't want to know. She thought I hated her and did not love her until all of this broke out and now she has been carrying around the burden of violating our marital vows. She realizes that I do really love her but I think the burden of how she has treated me over the years and now the infidelity makes her question who she really is even more. She sees herself as a very selfish, self serving, abusive, and hateful person. I told her that she was abused and this is the effect of being abused.

This is pretty much bottom and she now has to face herself and see that she is better than how she sees herself. She packed her stuff and left to sleep / move into her apartment at 1AM this morning. Knowing this has allowed me to fight harder and be more vocal for some strange reason. I actually helped her load the car. I spoke honest and open about what she did and how this violates everything that she is. I forgave her and encouraged her to forgive herself. If we are together or not I asked her to promise me that she would not allow herself to sink down so deeply into her past. She has been very abusive to me and herself and infidelity is the last rung on the latter that I pray she steps off of and starts climbing up to something greater for her life.

I am not sure where to go from here I thought that this would destroy me but it did not. I had strangely prepared myself for this moment and accepted this as a possibility when reason went out the window and things got really really crazy. Reason says that I would be a fool to stay married to her but love and grace says see it through. I don't know what see it through means but I am at a very strange place now. I really started questioning myself, my wife kept pushing and pushing, I felt like I must be a horrible, unloving, and unlovable person. I was slowly starting to die inside. My wife's honesty with herself, her thoughts of me, and yes the painful announcement of infidelity was somehow liberating.

This does not put the blame on my wife, I was very much and enabler, but it does put the focus on the truth. PTSD hurts and has some serious impact on ones quality of life and relationships if not recognized and treated. This does excuse the choices but it gives perspective and the tools to make good choices when triggers are hit. For now I am at the cross roads of starting over in life and marriage I really need a lot of prayer and wisdom to prop me up and push me forward.

Regards,

Skaterdad

 

[Mtnativecohome]

I started questioning myself as well. You are lovable and great! You need to start loving yourself. You are strong keep plugging away.

 

[Skaterdad]

Thanks Mtnativecohome.

I was a bit unsure about what to say here next so I started a conversation with you but it probably needs to be put out on the forum to help not just me but everyone who comes here for support.

I keep asking the what next question. Am I stupid for wanting to make this work after my wife has done something so deeply painful. I have always told her that I love her and understand her hurt but she thought I was lying and that I hated her and left her to deel with herself. The truth is I have been a dart board of hope. I stayed and tried to comfort and support her as much as she would let me unfortunately I also enabled her to continue in her hurtful behavior and outburst. Anyhow she acted on her own emotional perspective and now sees that she made a huge mis-judgement and mistake. I forgive her but what now. If my kids find out this would destroy them and my wife.

I want to put all of this behind me and heal and see my wife stop living in the past and living in denial.

PTSD is real and this did not just happen it has been there for our 29 years of friendship and marriage. For her longer, this has been her reality for all of her life being sexually and physically abused as a child and living with the pain as an adult. This year was the worst with the kids going off to college and starting a new phase in life. Some would say midlife crisis. I can forgive my wife if she can allow herself to forgive herself and move on. I am broken but stronger now but it still hurts and I want to do what is right for everyone including myself.

 

[Mtnativecohome]

I hope that you are able to talk with someone professionally. I found it really helpful to talk with a counselor that specializes in child abuse sexual survivors. I tried counseling with the middle of the road counselor and they really had no clue about what was going on(not familiar with PTSD) . I go every week, and am building up courage to take care of myself. I tried everything and it took at least two years to come to the realization that I have no control over what he does, or his mental health outcome. It's so painful that after awhile we just get used to the pain and when you see one little glimmer of hope, you forget about in the meantime or until the next time. I think we should be happy at least 75% of the time, not 25%.

 

[Skaterdad]

Yes we are both in counseling finally with someone who understand abuse and PTSD. We went to middle of the road many times before not knowing what we were getting and offered no solution. The counselor we are with now is helping but some of what I posted happened right before finally finding a good therapist.

 

[BloomInWinter]

As a sufferer, I can tell you that your own self-care and that of your kids is of utmost importance. As much as possible, do things which make you happy. Let her know she's welcome to join you, but you're also ok with doing them on your own.

My hubby and I made a "timeout" area. He and my kids were taught a simple hand signal of the traffic cop "stop" stance that was able to get through to me in the middle of bad times to let me know when I was overstepping the line and hurting their feelings. For some reason, that signal, practiced by us when I was calm, helped me learn to go to my chosen safe area of the house and use my techniques to learn to ground myself.

My kids did it enough that now they feel fine walking away when I'm ranting. We worked hard in family therapy and their individual therapy to give them freedom to do what they need to do to feel safe. Going to their rooms, which I may not enter without permission any time, has done wonders.

I've been on this journey for over 3 years now, and it has gotten much better. Just learning the whys of what was happening to me really helped me see that my issues stem from inward and affect everyone around me though they don't deserve it. I don't deserve it either, but that's reality.

My hubby has three safe areas where he goes where I don't venture into. Our basement has an exercise area and a library. Also, he'll tinker in the garage. That makes a difference.

Hang in there. Assure your kids you love them and let them rant as much as they need to. Let them pick their own words and allow them to use them when your wife isn't around. Trust yourself that you'll find a way forward that works for you and them, because if you've lived with a sufferer this long, you are a survivor.

It will get better, and sooner than you think, whether or not she gets better.

 

[Skaterdad]

Wow that is awesome thanks BloomInWinter. I am doing more for myself slowly it is hard, I have been with my wife for so long I am not used to being alone. My kids 2 of my 3 are in college and they rant pretty good. The youngest graduates this year and he is just sucking it in but he is in therapy. I am chosen to step away more and she hates it I tell her I have to step away because I love you and this is not healthy.

Thank you so so much for the positive encouragement.

 

[Amadeus]

Skaterdad,

Thanks for sharing your painful journey over the last few months. It's December now, and I hope you are in a healthier place in the midst of all your trials.

I've been married for almost 20 years to a sufferer of PTSD, OCD, Anxiety & Depression. Fortunately she has been aware of her issues for over a decade, but (like so many others) it has taken a toll on our marriage. We have never used the scary "D-Word" (divorce), but lately I've been thinking seriously of sending her on an extended vacation (that may last for months) for everyone's sake. I have two boys, and we're all a bit sick and tired of her outbursts, rants, controlling tendencies, unreasonable expectations, etc. She was gone from the house for 10 days earlier this year (visiting family), and there was finally some tangible peace in the house. It was very refreshing. We haven't talked seriously about such a "vacation arrangement", but I am exasperated with her issues, and I do feel like she is hurting our kids through it all. I can take a lot, but I cannot handle my kids getting hurt. Perhaps some time away will give her some time to heal, as well as myself and our boys.

Reading your story was sad, but strangely "comforting" (maybe not the right word to use) knowing that I'm not alone in having to deal with all the issues that come along with living with a "sufferer". Your love for your wife is strong, beyond what I can imagine from all that you described. Perhaps this time on her own will give you both time to heal. All I know is that there has got to be a better way for all of us than just receiving the abuse, crying through the suffering, and lamenting the pain dealt out.

I am hoping and praying for better days for you (and everyone else on this forum).